Metallover's Self Insert Adventure Book 2 - The Redux
by metallover
Summary: AU. OC. SI. It's ba-ack! That's right, one of the most irreverent, self-important, ridiculous Awakening stories is back! Join our intrepid Self-Inserter Ben as he bumbles his way through personal relationships and battlefields as we make our way through the post-Plegia time-skip and towards the Valm invasion!
1. Chapter 1

**(The following is a work of fanfiction and love. Fire Emblem Awakening and all related terminology remain property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. Please don't sue me.)**

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 **WARNING: The following story contains gratuitous foul language, coarse humor and vivid scenes of gore and other stuff that may make people uncomfortable. And possibly lemony stuff later on (if I can grow a pair already). You have been warned.**

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 **STOP! This is an alternate retelling and continuation of the story** _ **Metallover's Self Insert Adventure**_ **, following from Chapter 12. If you haven't read up to there in the original story, this one isn't going to make a whole lot of sense to you.**

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 **Metallover's Self Insert Adventure Redux**

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 **Chapter the First – or "Concerning the circumstances of the birth of a certain blue haired pain-in-my-ass"**

Time is a funny thing.

For instance have you ever played Steins;Gate? Great game, but brings up a lot of good, technical points about the concept of time travel that I, with my literature degree, would not have otherwise considered. Such as the fact that if you duct tape a cellphone to a microwave you can use it to send text messages to the past, but you'll end up getting abducted by a secret organization.

Or, more importantly, there are an infinite number of world lines.

An infinite number of possibilities.

That bug you smooshed? On another world line you may have let it live, and gone on to rule over Macedonia. Or that girl you couldn't work up the courage to ask out? On another world line you could have had the balls, only to wake up with your head in a jar after she went all Jeffry Dahmer on your ass because she was secretly a psycho. Trust me when I say that yandere isn't as fun IRL…

A butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the planet, as they say.

So when I say that this is merely one of those myriad possibilities, take it with a grain of salt. Because, quite frankly, I'm a lit major. Not a physics or philosophy major.

* * *

Let's begin our new story with a brief recap, shall we? I, your intrepid narrator, got really, really drunk and ended up in the world of Fire Emblem Awakening. I would have preferred Blazing Sword, but we play with the hand we're dealt. After mouthing off at Chrom and Frederick I somehow managed to take Robin's place as the tactician of the Shepherds, and everything basically proceeded according to script. Tharja fell in love with me, I banged Panne, Maribelle tried to marry me and I told her in no uncertain terms to fuck off, and I managed to friend-zone myself with Cordelia. I also befriended Lon'qu and Ricken. That's a thing. Now I was in the process of pissing off all the Ylissean nobility by creating a permanent standing army. Our new story begins one day close to six months after my little 'talk' with Cordelia outside the bar. Maribelle had just gone back to Themis, and once again I could breathe a sigh of relief…

Or, I would have, anyway, if breathing hadn't hurt.

True to my instructions Ricken had whipped up a training routine fit for only the hardiest of athletes. I actually think Frederick had been impressed. Apparently a lot of the routine had come from him to begin with, but with more emphasis on strength as well as stamina thrown into the mix. Ricken had done well. I'd have to get him laid again.

Or so I thought, but the pain all over my body made me want to kill him in equal measures.

Where that kid had pulled this routine from, I would never know. But at least he could be counted on for the weird shit like this when I needed it. I'd have to poach him from Chrom eventually.

On this particular evening I gave a little groan and sunk a little deeper into my chair. I was in my office in the barracks for the army, doing my best to recover enough to hobble back to the palace.

Lon'qu had beat the crap out of me this morning with a training sword, and then me and the boys had proceeded to run til we puked, followed by some more lovely exercises. And a lunch break. It was ham. Why am I talking about lunch? Because there really wasn't a lot going on these days. Peace was really quite nice.

Until things such as I was holding managed to piss me off again.

A lovely little slip of paper from the innkeeper at the place Lucina and Laurent were staying detailing how, exactly, they had managed to rack up a fifty gold coin bill over the last seven or eight months.

Let me put that shit into perspective for you. That's, roughly speaking in terms of IRL finance, five grand. Ish. There's not exactly a direct exchange rate, so… yeah.

I was still pissed, though.

So, that day after getting my ass kicked up and down various training yards all day _and still_ having to do my regular day job I found myself hobbling halfway across Ylisstol and up the stairs to Laurent and Lucina's rooms in the inn, cursing the fact they were on, like, the second floor. My legs hurt. However, I mustered the energy and beat on Lucina's door three times, as was my custom, before taking a step back and literally kicking the door in. They could add it to my tab.

"Silence is fucking golden," I growled, stepping into the room.

Lucina and Laurent both looked up with wide eyes at the sound of splintering wood and the raining shards of door, Laurent from the floor where his nose was buried in an astrology book and Lucina from her bed where she was polishing Falchion on her lap. Laurent just looked confused, but the look of red-faced rage that crossed Lucina's face after a few seconds was a match for my own.

"What in Naga's name-" she started.

"The fuck is this shit, Princess!?" I snarled, shoving the invoice into her chest.

She snatched the paper from me, blinking rapidly as she read it and gritting her teeth. I clearly had one chance her to not get impaled on that big-ass sword she was so fond of, but my blood was up and I was pissed. So pissed it took a few moments while she was reading to realize that I'd totally brushed her boob while I was shoving the invoice at her. She was filling out nicely, indeed. Definitely taking after her mother. After a few moments Lucina frowned, holding the paper out to me again.

"I do not see the problem here," she said in a much more subdued voice.

I gave her a feral grin, my eyes no doubt wide and manic.

Oh.

Oh that bitch.

She knew she done a bad.

"Really?" I asked, my voice turning sickly sweet. "Because I can think of a number of issues. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but bathing is usually reserved for the nobility and royalty, yes?"

"Indeed, of which I am-"

"Not here you're not, you silly twat! Not now! Hell, I live in the fucking palace and still have to settle for a rag and a bucket most days, what makes you think you're so damn special!? And you, you scrawny puke! Don't think I didn't see your contributions to this clusterfuck!"

Laurent glanced up, eyes wide. Clearly he was thinking that if he held perfectly still and made no sound I'd forget he was there. The T-Rex defense never worked on my parents, and it sure as fuck wasn't about to work on me.

"Why have you charged so many fucking science books to me!?" I snarled.

"I had thought to further research the theory you presented me-"

"I am the Grandmaster of fuck-mothering Tactics! I am a retainer to the Exalt! It would be as simple as writing a goddamn letter and you'd be into the royal library, you fucking banana!"

"Banana?" Laurent parroted, quirking his head.

"And the food!" I continued, reading off the invoice. "You two are eating better than I am! I could feed half my fucking regiment on what you're eating! Not to mention all the stupid little expenses! Sixteen silver on bed sheets!? Scented soaps, running five silver a fucking pop!? Sword oil!? I run a fucking army! Just! Fucking! _Ask_! Fuck!"

I took a deep, calming breath after my rant. Seizing the chance Lucina stepped forward, crossing her arms and having the decency to at least look chastised.

"I will admit that we… went a little overboard," she said stiffly, not meeting my gaze. "It had been so long since I had bathed properly before we came back to this time…"

"My thirst for knowledge overpowered my common sense," Laurent sighed. "I apologize."

I ran a hand over the chrome-dome, sighing myself. I'd gotten it out of my system, so I wasn't too pissed anymore. However this was clearly an issue I would need to address. I could legit not afford to do this again.

"Pack up your shit. You're both moving into the barracks with me and the army."

* * *

The next morning's breakfast was just as awkward as I was expecting it to be, if not more-so. To my not-so-great surprise, I found Chrom sitting at the officer's table next to 'Marth', 'Isaac' and Ricken. The kid was ignoring everything, busily fulfilling his role as my adjutant and assistant as he shoveled the tasteless oats that we often ate for breakfast into his mouth, occasionally stopping long enough to tear a hunk of bread off the small loaf sitting next to his bowl. Ricken had been an absolute godsend to me, helping with all the clerical duties that came with creating a standing army; so I'd decided to give the kid the rank of Major.

'Marth' was awkwardly eying Chrom across the table while 'Isaac' watched on in bleary disinterest, clearly barely conscious. Obviously I'd be sticking him on paperwork-buffer duty with Ricken. Lucina, though… she was a problem. What the shit would I do with her? Whatever; when in doubt, personal assistant.

The barracks refractory was packed and noisy, like it always was at this time, with the men and women from the various squads that made up my single test regiment of official armed forces chowing down and basically shooting the shit before daily training and duties began.

"Good morning, all," I called out as I entered.

"Good morning, Lieutenant-General, sir!" came the immediate response from every set of lungs, excluding those at the officer's table, in the room.

I grinned, my morning ego boost waking me up faster than any cup of tea or coffee ever would, as I sat down at the table with Chrom and the others. Yeah, I'd let Frederick have the General rank. He was more experienced, much as I hated to admit it, but we'd both agreed that my men were my responsibility, not his.

"How long was it before you ordered them to do that?" Marth asked, quirking her brow above her one visible eye.

"About as long as it's gonna take you to pay back that hotel tab," I shot back without missing a beat, glancing up at Chrom. "And what the hell are you doing here so early?"

The Exalt fidgeted in his blue training gear and white cape, pausing with his spoon of congealed oats hanging halfway between his bowl and his mouth as he grinned guiltily.

"I'm… inspecting your experiment?" he said.

"Nice try," I scoffed. "Let me guess. Sumia's pregnancy hormones making her crazy?"

"Ben that is the Queen Consort of Ylisse and you should show some more respect to her and dear sweet gods above yes I just needed a break," Chrom said all in one breath.

I resisted the urge to snicker, instead reaching over the table and placing a comforting hand on the man's shoulder. This was the kind of thing I'd just feel bad about making fun of. Like kicking a retarded puppy. It was too damn easy, no sport.

"Welcome to adulthood, bro," I said. "Sucks, don't it? She's gotta be due soon, though, yeah?"

"Any day now. And do not get me wrong, I love Sumia with all my heart," Chrom said quickly. "But… peanuts and pickles? At three tolls past midnight? I can't take it anymore. I need that child to be born so that my wife goes back to normal!"

I glanced over at Lucina, a shit-eating grin on my face, and actually snorted as I failed to stop myself from laughing at the look on her face. It was a combination of embarrassment and guilt, and it was by far more delicious than the breakfast oats.

"Forgive me, Marth," Chrom said, clearing his throat embarrassedly. "I forget myself. It's just been so long since I've had a good night's sleep…"

"She cannot be… that bad…" Marth said hesitantly.

"Kid, you have no idea," I laughed. "Women's hormones go nuts when they carry a child. Part of having a new life growing inside of you. However, that also means that they, in turn, go nuts. The crying and the anger and… Chrom why do you look like you're about to cry?"

The Prince shook his head, sniffling a little. "It's just… finally, someone gets it."

"Do you need a hug?"

"No."

"C'mon, bro. Bring it in."

"Do not touch me."

"Don't be like that."

"I will stab you with this spoon."

"Okay, fine, be a grouch," I shrugged dismissively, turning away. "You can inspect by running the damn drills with us all day if you're going to be like that. No special treatment."

Chrom blinked a few times, cocking his head before he broke out into a grin. "Do you really think you can keep up with me?"

"During weapons training? Fuck no," I laughed. "But the running? The obstacle courses? I think I got a good six month head start on you there, bitch."

"Challenge accepted," Chrom growled, his grin turning predatory.

* * *

I let out a weak groan, falling flat on my ass and panting heavily. Six months and Lon'qu still beat the ever loving fuck out of me. I mean, I put up more of a fight now, but his 'learn by doing' philosophy was getting real old, real fast. My head was spinning from the last blow from that fucking training sword of his, a decent sized lump already forming on the side of my head.

"Get up," the stoic Feroxi bastard grunted.

"I hope… you get crushed… by a gallon… of dicks…" I panted, pulling myself back up with great effort.

In the other training fields the majority of the infantry were drilling with swords and spears under the NCOs, veterans from town militias or service to various other lords throughout Ylisse, and in a field all on their own Chrom and 'Marth' ran drills. She hadn't stopped smiling since they'd started wailing on each other with their training swords, and it was starting to get a little weird-

I yelped, Lon'qu's training sword smashing my wrist hard enough to make my hand numb.

"Pay attention!" he snapped.

"Fuck it, I'ma crush you like a gallon of dicks myself!" I snarled.

He did this every time. Pissed me off until I eventually snapped and threw caution to the wind. Then proceeded to beat me until I passed out. It didn't happen every day, me losing it; sometimes I went a few days, sometimes a week, but eventually that smug bastard riled me up. He'd explained, in that stoic alpha-swordsman way, that it was to release me from the subconscious restraints that held me back. That to truly see how far I'd progressed I needed to be clear and focused, the way only good old white-hot rage would do.

Judging from the look on his face as I drove him back across the training area, I was improving. But, judging from the end of his training sword currently travelling at the speed of sound around my guard and towards my own face, I still had a long way to go.

The next thing I knew I was lying spread-eagled on the ground, an angel hovering over me. The stunning vision of beauty's long golden hair was framed by the sun behind it, casting a brilliant white halo around it that matched its flowing white robes-

"Jesus fuck, Libra!" I yelped when I realized who I was falling in love with. "Grow a fucking beard or something, bro! Stop confusing me!"

The priest simply laughed, lifting the staff he'd been holding over me away. Damn it if he still wasn't the prettiest man I'd ever met…

"I see your jaw is healed now," he said, his amused voice like the chimes of bells-

Oh dear sweet lord stop thinking about him like that HE'S A FUCKING DUDE.

"Lon'qu broke my jaw again, huh?" I sighed, shaking my head a little.

"Learn to duck," came the swordsman's reply from behind Libra.

"A gallon of dicks, dude," I groaned. "I swear, one day. A gallon of dicks."

"I don't even want to know," Libra chuckled, holding his hands up.

The priest had been pretty good about helping us out with the army stuff. He helped with the axe drills, and he was never far away when we were drilling. He'd been pretty busy during the drills when we first started out, but now that everyone had grasped the 'pointy end faces away from you' concept of blade work he contented himself with watching over us with a serene and quite frankly ridiculously attractive smile on his face.

But he's a dude.

Fortunately I was saved from my growing concerns over my sexuality when one of the Staff Sergeants came jogging up, snapping to attention when he reached us.

"Sir, repairs on the wooden horses are complete," the man, another former militiaman named Gerald I'd picked up out of Southtown, said.

I nodded, climbing up and out of the dirt. "Get the boys ready, then. Time for some real training."

Gerald nodded once, spinning on his heel and jogging towards the drilling squads to pass my orders on. For my part I moved to where Chrom and 'Marth' were whollopping each other with their practice swords, crossing my arms and sinking to a hip.

"So, remember when I said no special treatment?" I asked when they finally stopped.

"Yes…" Chrom said slowly.

Judging from the look on his face the grin on my own was making him uncomfortable. "Fall in with B-squad, both of you. I'll show you how it's done with A-squad. Lon'qu, fuck you very much for kicking my ass again today. Same time tomorrow."

"Wouldn't miss it," the swordsman replied. "But I'd like to stay and watch the show all the same."

"You're always welcome to join in," I suggested, already moving.

"I'm not really one for fighting with a shield," Lon'qu chuckled. "And it's much more fun to watch."

"Should we… be worried?" Chrom asked hesitantly.

"That depends," I shrugged. "Ever been hit by a charging war-horse before?"

"N-no," the Exalt said.

"Then Chrom, my friend, my brotha-from-anotha-motha, today is gonna be your lucky day, because Ben here loves to make people's wishes come true," I laughed.

"I wish you would stop talking for a week," Lucina said without hesitation.

"And I wish you'd grow some tits so you're at least decent eye-candy," I fired back. "But we all don't get what we want."

Chrom frowned at our exchange, but remained silent. Good lord I was not looking forward to when he found out I was constantly sexually harassing his daughter…

The 'Wooden Horses' were an ingenious design by myself, Miriel and Ricken to help prepare infantry to deal with Valm's ridiculous amount of cavalry. Basically, there was a line of wooden horses, padded with leather to make them a little fleshier, mounted on some tracks. Using a complex system of ropes, pulleys and counterweights, they could be sent charging down the tracks towards the waiting infantry. I had Frederick try it out, and he agreed that the weight we had it set at was an accurate representation of a cavalry charge.

The crazy bastard had stopped the charge by himself.

Quite frankly, I'd already broken my collar bone three times, and my arm twice. This exercise always made Libra a busy man. I don't know if you've ever tried to stop a charging horse with a spear and a shield, but if you get it wrong you are gonna get smooshed. As we had all learned particularly quickly. However, thanks to our dogged determination and the pride of being the First Ylissean Royal Infantry Regiment, we had almost mastered it. To be fair, though, this was training for the worst-case scenario. I'd been working on plans and tactics to see to it that we didn't have to face down a line of pissed off horses careening at us at eighty kilometers an hour, not to mention all the traps and other tools I was developing with Ricken. But as they say, prior planning prevents piss-poor performance. I wasn't about to let the First be caught with their pants down when we got to Valm.

So it was, standing side by side with my troops, holding a spear in one hand and a wooden buckler in the other, I found myself staring down a line of wooden pain flying towards me.

"Shields up, dig in!" I shouted.

With a clatter the shields all came forward, and we dug our spears into the hard-packed earth.

"Brace!" I warned.

The second and third ranks came forward, bracing us with their hands on our shoulders to help absorb some of the impact. The wooden horses hit our line with all the force of a fucking truck, and I felt something in my shoulder go. Again. Shields cracked, and lances shattered, but the line held and the horses were brought up short.

"Forward!" I snarled.

With a resounding shout we pushed them back. The line separated, and the fourth rank rushed forward and began to hack at the wooden horses with practice weapons. The second and third ranks followed, as the first fell back to trade places with the fifth rank in case there was a second charge.

We had successfully repelled the cavalry charge. It took less than ten minutes from start to finish.

"Alright, everyone out of the way," I called, favoring my injured side. "Set it up, give B-squad a turn! Take five, have a snack and some water, any injuries go find Libra! Remember we've still got the courses to run after this!"

As we passed by B-squad, my own squad laughing and congratulating each other on a flawless performance, I gave Lucina and Chrom a grin and a thumbs up with my uninjured hand.

They both looked fucking terrified as they marched forward, holding shields and practice spears.

I'd made sure they'd both be in the front rank.

No special treatment.

…

My shoulder hurt… where the fuck was that gorgeous, gorgeous healing man?

* * *

That evening Lucina let out a weak groan as she put her feet up on my coffee table, Laurent giving her a questioning glance. The two of them were bunking with me, in the sense that sharing a common area was 'bunking with', anyway. I had one wing of the officer's quarters to myself in the barracks complex I had set up base in, and it had just made sense. At the time, anyway. The sight of Lucina's dirty socks on my table did nothing to endear the situation to me.

"Bitch get your dirty-ass feet off my table," I snapped, hobbling towards the large barrel with fresh water in one corner of the room. Clearly, I was not holding up much better and it was making me grumpy. Plus, thanks to my crappy lungs, my nearly-bottomless supply of asthma-rated vullenaries was starting to dwindle, so I'd have to either find time to get more or send Elle to pick them up for me, and neither was a winning prospect.

She just gave me a weak glare, wiggling her toes a little for good measure. I think we were both too tired to argue at this stage. Laurent, too, looked a little exhausted. I'd had him basically being Ricken's bitch all day. Which meant, after fixing the Wooden Horses, training in magecraft until they dropped and then copious amounts of paperwork. Chrom had slinked off after the second round of obstacle courses. Fucker hadn't even made it to the warm-down jog. To be fair, though, the warm-down jog was a good thirty Ks… meh. He was a busy man, running a country and still trying to hide from his pregnant wife and over-attentive retainer. Hell, I'd rather have taken the run any day.

"And you idiots do that every day?" Lucina groaned. "I will admit to being impressed. My arm is still numb…"

"What, you go soft sitting in that hotel room mooching off me?" I asked innocently as I slipped my shirt off and began scrubbing at myself with a rag and the water I'd drawn into a smaller basin.

"I am too tired to even express my disgust that you are doing that in front of us," Lucina groaned. "I thought my endurance was adequate…"

"There's a difference between endurance and strength, Princess," I chuckled. "We're training for both."

We lapsed into silence, Laurent idly leafing through an advanced magic theory book he'd pinched from the library while Lucina stared into space, clearly struggling to stay awake. Elle, my maid/servant/kicking-puppy would be along soon with dinner no doubt, so all I had to do was clean up and try to stay awake until she arrived…

"Ben! What are you doing?"

I glanced up, my tired eyes struggling to focus as a dark shape glided across the space and eventually resolving as Tharja when she got closer. She and I had recently begun an… 'intimate' relationship, despite my better judgement. I'd made sure she knew it was only a physical relationship, though. I didn't want a wife or even a girlfriend. She'd accepted that, claiming that it was enough for her. I'd felt bad at first, but what can I say? I'm weak. She'd become a lot sweeter in private, though.

My eyes widened as I realized I hadn't told her yet that I had moved Lucina and Laurent into the suite. Behind her the two time-travelers froze, eyes widening at the sight of Tharja with a sunny smile on her face.

This was going to end badly…

"Er… Tharja-" I tried.

"Hush, you," she giggled, licking her lips as she looked me up and down. With slow, deliberate motions she pulled the sodden rag out of my hands and pushed me back against the bench, running her fingers over my chest. "Mmm, I do love the look of you after you've been training. It means I get to clean you."

"Tharja, seriously-"

"Oh? Would you prefer I do it with my tongue again? I can do that for you… 'master'."

"Tharja for the love of fuck look behind you!" I practically shrieked.

All the colour drained from her face for a moment, finding its way to my own as I blushed. She spun so fast her hair whipped up and flicked me in the face, giving a little squeak as she noticed Lucina and Laurent. Both of whom looked for all the world like they'd just seen Grima wearing nothing but speedos tap-dancing through the room. You could have heard an ant fart in the silence.

"Well, this is painfully awkward," I groaned, stepping forward and wrapping an arm around Tharja's waist. "Not how I would have liked it to get out, but we're… uh… how do I put this delicately… banging. Bumping uglies. Makin' the beast with two backs. Problems? Tough shit."

Tharja's gaze whipped up at me, conflicting emotions playing across her face before she finally shuddered and looked down, hiding her face with her fringe and clearly wishing she could die on the spot.

"As shocking as this is, I do not care," Lucina said after a moment. "Actually, now that I think about it, it's not that shocking at all. The two of you living in sin has nothing to do with us. Right Isaac?"

"B-but Morgan-"

" _Right_ , Isaac?"

"Indeed," Laurent nodded quickly. "I… er… need to take rest. Good even to you, Sir Ben. Lady Tharja."

With that the skinny mage practically sprinted out of the room.

"What about dinner?" I called after him, pointedly ignoring that slip about Morgan. I'd decided it was more fun not knowing where I was concerned.

"I find myself with no appetite!" he answered, closing the door to his room.

I shrugged, grinning down to Lucina.

"If you believe I am going to skip a meal after that hellish workout you are mistaken," she deadpanned. "Get dressed already. The sight of your fur is making me ill."

"It's called chest hair, and all men have it," I said defensively.

"On their backs?" Lucina asked, arching one perfect brow.

"Well excuse me for not being some perfect fucking anime protagonist," I growled. "Not like a little girl like you understands the allure of a real man. Right Tharja?"

With trembling, wooden steps the dark mage silently crossed the space, looming over Lucina.

"If you tell anyone of this, I will not even hex you. I will simply kill you," she said, her voice a strangled whisper.

Lucina paled again, simply nodding.

Good god the yandere in that room at that moment got me to half-mast, I shit you not.

* * *

The next morning after a very awkward dinner and an even more awkward breakfast (to be spiteful I'd made sure Tharja and I had been as loud as possible last night) I made my way to the Ylisstol palace for the monthly 'retainers meeting' with Chrom and Frederick, Lucina and Elle in tow. Usually I'd have brought Ricken, but with Laurent they were almost through with some sort of organizational shit and he'd wanted to get over the last hurdle or something. I hadn't really been listening. Plus, this way I could continue to passive-aggressively harass Lucina and she couldn't do shit about it. It was win-win for me.

It was with that thought in my mind and a skip in my step that I approached Chrom's office, coming up short when a heavily pregnant Sumia came waddling around the corner.

"Ben!" she snapped, her face going red as soon as she saw me. "What did you do to Chrom yesterday!? He was exhausted! Were you trying to kill him!?"

'Marth's' mouth practically fell open at the sight of her mother so needlessly enraged, but Sumia wasn't done yet.

"He's the Exalt of Ylisse! His country needs him, and we can't have him practically dying after one lopsided training day!" she snapped. Tears began welling up in her eyes as she gave a sob before continuing. "It's not fair that you get to spend the day with him, either, when all I get to do is sit around and wait to pop! I just love him so much!"

"Oh for god's sake…" I groaned. "Chrom! Get your ass out here already! Sumia. Sumia, stop crying. I'm sorry I was so harsh on Chrom yesterday, but he wanted to do the same routine we do every day, and I swear we weren't any rougher on him than any of the other boys, myself included. Stop crying, okay? I know Chrom loves you. So stop crying. Please."

"I love you, too, Ben!" Sumia wailed, wrapping her arms around me in a big, teary, messy hug. "Not like Chrom, but you do so much for us and for me!"

Ooh, she had it bad…

Patting her on the back I noticed Chrom peeking out of his office's door, terror writ clear on his face. I gave him the most meaningful glare I had ever given, and the pleading look he gave me basically signed the requisition orders Lucina was carrying then and there.

"Sumia, I love you too, okay? In a totally platonic way. So cheer up. I'll come and read with you this evening, I promise, okay?"

"W-will you rub my f-feet, too?"

"Yes, fine, whatever," I sighed.

I mean, Elle would rub her feet, but why split hairs? I had a maid, I'd sure as fuck be using her.

After another few minutes of back petting, platitudes and assuring Sumia that no, she wasn't fat at all, just pregnant, we finally managed to get into Chrom's office and shut the door behind us. Just in time to see the top of Chrom's head appear from beneath the lip of his table.

"You rat bastard," I hissed, narrowing my eyes.

"I don't care what you've come to ask for today, you can have it," Chrom said, straightening and clearing his throat. "Good day Marth and… er…"

"Thundercat," I supplied. "Marth, hand the nice coward the paperwork. Frederick, I notice you weren't exactly leaping to assist your Queen. Fuck you for that. Some butler you are."

The knight glanced up, great dark rings around his eyes from a lack of sleep. He gave a slight sigh, before shaking his head.

"I was reading these reports," he said lamely.

"Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what it is," I deadpanned. "Sheesh, not even born yet and that kid's being a pain in your asses. What's it going to be like when she is here?"

'Marth's' gaze snapped up, glaring at me with her one visible eye but remaining silent.

"How do you know it will be a girl?" Chrom asked, taking his seat. "It could be a boy, you know. Ah, what I'd give for a little baby boy to train with, to teach the ways of the world, to follow in my footsteps…"

"You know what, Chrom?" I said, pointedly grinning at Lucina. "That sounds amazing. There is absolutely no possible way I can say anything else in the face of what you just said. It's so beautiful it almost brings a tear to my eye."

Lucina sighed through her nose, retreating to stand at my shoulder like the assistant she was supposed to be. While we'd been talking Elle had been preparing tea, and was now serving it to us as we discussed the management of the realm. Eventually the discussion turned to the other nobility in the country, and I could only scoff at the news.

"Like I give a fuck what Duke Burrito's saying about us. We already got all of his best soldiers."

Chrom sighed while Frederick shook his head. Duke Beorhito was a fat, nasty ass-hole I'd slugged during the victory celebration and subsequently dueled a few months ago. Well, okay, his second had stabbed me and I'd killed him, but the Duke was still around and still making my damn life difficult. Apparently this time by saying that I had plans to usurp Chrom's authority and throne.

"Okay, for future reference," I said, leaning forward. "I don't want your fancy-ass chair. I don't want your power, and I sure as fuck don't want the problems that come with it. I'm in charge of barely three hundred men right now and I'm stretched to my limit, and that fat bastard honestly thinks I can deal with more? He's got a pretty damn high opinion of me, doesn't he?"

"And yet you just made me sign for permission to found two more regiments?" Chrom smirked. "I know you have no interest in my position-"

"Hell, do you even have interest in your position?" I scoffed.

"Anyway-"

"If anyone's in a position to take your throne one would think it would be Frederick, right?" I said, ignoring Chrom and turning to the knight-butler. "How 'bout it, big guy? Wanna be Exalt?"

'Marth' sighed behind me and slapped me upside my head, making Chrom chuckle a little.

"Thank you, Marth," he said. "In any case, we need to think of a way to put their minds at ease. Just because Duke Beorhito is the only one making these claims does not mean he's the only one that feels that way."

"Okay, so I lay low for a little while," I shrugged. "Make myself scarce around the capital. Go on some training missions in the wilderness.

"I would prefer to strengthen your ties to House Ylisse, rather than distance you," Chrom explained. "Make it look like I'm keeping you on a short leash."

"You're not… actually going to start interfering with my projects, are you?" I asked hesitantly. "Because by all means, take part, but-"

"Peace, Ben," Chrom said, holding up his hands. "I have no interest in your 'armed forces' except the end result. As for whatever else you have going on, I have no interest at all. I do trust you."

"Then why make me write the damn reports!?"

"Propriety," Frederick grunted.

"In any case, I feel that the strengthening of ties between our houses would be beneficial. Tell me, my friend, how do you… uh… feel about Lissa?"

"If she sticks another frog in my boots I'ma kill her. Why?" I growled.

"Well," Chrom said, clearly growing uncomfortable. "It's just that, well, if you were a part of the Royal Family itself the Dukes' claims would have no ground to stand on-"

And then it clicked.

No. Fucking. Way.

I'd just managed to get out of one marriage to nobility. Hell if I was doing that song and dance again.

"Chrom, stop," I sighed. "I understand what you're going for here, but I respectfully decline. Press the matter and I will not-so-respectfully decline. Tell me, what exactly do you think Lissa would say if she found out you were trying to marry her off just because I was making your political life hard?"

"It's not about that," Chrom snapped, clearly embarrassed. "This is… how things are done here. I'm not particularly thrilled at the thought, thank you very much."

"Oh, fuck you! What happened to all that 'brother' talk!?"

"You know what I mean!" Chrom groaned exasperatedly. "I would have my sister find love and happiness the way I did."

"So let her," I shrugged.

"It is not that simple," Frederick muttered, his voice subdued.

"Okay, while that's a problem for another day, and I swear to fuck if you try to marry her off for political gains I will vehemently oppose it, I have a suggestion regarding the current circumstances. I become your first-born's godfather."

"I… what? We do not have that… tradition? Here," Chrom said.

"A godfather basically is someone who takes an interest in ensuring the child is raised properly and if, heaven forbid, something should ever happen to you or Sumia, I would be responsible for caring for the child until they come of age."

Judging from the sharp intake of breath behind me Lucina wasn't impressed by the thought. Although Chrom nodded, considering.

"Usually this involves a baptism, so it's like, sworn under God or something. It wouldn't quite come as close as marriage, but I think it'd do," I went on. "It's something of a dying tradition where I'm from, but in other places near my homeland the word for godparent translates to co-father or co-mother and it's a lot bigger a deal, know what I mean? I'm not saying I want to usurp your kids now, too. Fuck no!" there was a subtle stab in my side from Lucina's fingers at that one, "but it would be just like making me part of the family. Any of my children would be 'god-siblings' and be like cousins. Any of this making sense to you?"

"How much of an 'interest' are we talking?" Chrom asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"Stick my head in every once and a while, ensure her studies are going well, make sure she's stable and happy. Bring ridiculous presents on her birthday and spoil her rotten. Think a cross between a close uncle and a grandparent."

"You really are fixated on my firstborn being a girl," Chrom laughed. "Very well. When the child is born, I will name you her Godfather. I will have some of the scribes begin to circulate what it means; hopefully we can start a tradition out of this so that it is a little less jarring. And… thank you. For not taking my earlier offer. I'm glad I can give Lissa the chance to experience love properly."

"A friend should always underestimate your virtues and an enemy overestimate your faults," I quoted, doing my best Brando impersonation. Which wasn't very good, to be honest, but dammit if I wasn't going to take advantage of this situation…

"That's… surprisingly deep," Chrom said slowly. "Even if you did say it in a stupid voice."

I snickered, shaking my head. Oh, he hadn't heard anything yet… I also spun in my chair, giving 'Marth' a shit-eating victory grin. The look on her face was like someone had shoved a cactus down her throat.

I laughed. I laughed for days.

Once I stopped laughing, though, I had a thought. Something of a family tradition I wanted to carry over here. So, still chuckling a little to myself, I made a special trip to the most prestigious jeweler in Ylisse. That I could pay to keep his mouth shut.

* * *

So it was that the day finally came. Sumia went into labor and a panicked Frederick came and practically abducted me from the army's training grounds to bring me to the castle. Fortunately he stopped long enough to let me grab my little surprise from my room. While I was there I told Lucina the good news, that she was about to be born, and the poor girl turned green. I guess being nervous about yourself being born, hoping you were all hale and healthy, was a thing.

I didn't get time to consider this, though, as Frederick once more spirited me away, dragging my sorry ass all the way to the castle. As we approached Chrom and Sumia's apartments Sumia gave a shrieking cry of pain, and Chrom all but fell out of the door onto Frederick. Cordelia, Sumia's best friend, was already waiting outside the door with an anxious look on her face. I gave her a weak grin and a little wave as we approached, which she returned with a terse nod.

"Oh gods above I can't take this!" Chrom groaned, just as green as Lucina had been.

"Come on you pussy, this is your kid not mine," I laughed, slipping past him.

Sumia had been overjoyed at the whole 'godfather' concept. To the point that she'd been insistent that I be there to witness the birth with Chrom. I'd done a little research, talked to some midwives here, and I'd decided that the current medical levels for delivering babies was good enough that I wouldn't interfere. I had insisted, however, that they wash their hands down with the purest grain alcohol I could get my own hands on, though. However right now it appeared I'd have to beat Chrom off the bottle. The man, following me into his own rooms a lot slower, had gone from green to an interesting shade of pale.

The Queen-Consort of Ylisse was propped up with pillows, huffing and red-faced as a pair of old midwives crowded her vajayjay. I politely averted my eyes as I crossed the room, taking up position at her far side so Chrom wouldn't have to walk past the business area. I'd barely stopped moving when her hand shot out, gripping my own in a vice-like hold and making me wince.

"So how's it going?" I asked.

"How do you think!?" she shouted, trailing off into another yowl of pain.

"I think you're under a little stress," I ground out through gritted teeth as she mashed my hand into paste.

"You're not helping!" she moaned. "I can't take it anymore! Someone pull it out of me already!"

"Chrom!" I hissed, watching where the man was frozen halfway across the room.

He glanced up at me, his eyes vacant. I nodded to Sumia's other hand, raising my brows emphatically. He took the hint and moved over to take Sumia's other hand, her grip on my own lessening as she zeroed in on her husband.

"Sumia, for god's sake, breathe," I said. "In and out. Like me. Hoo-hoo-hah. Hoo-hoo-hah."

With a shuddering nod she attempted to emulate my breathing pattern, some of the tension leaving her shoulders as she did so. I say some because she still looked like a corpse going into rigor mortis, but you can't very well say that to a woman giving birth while she has a death-grip on your hand. I glanced up, struggling not to laugh as I caught Chrom copying the breathing pattern, too. The poor bastard looked terrified. And I couldn't blame him. Even I was a little tense. I was talking a big game and doing my best to keep my cool, but this was a first for me, too. I was just desensitized thanks to modern media back home.

"Have we got a betting pool on what the gender's gonna be going yet?" I asked Chrom.

"W-what? N-no, I… what?" he said woodenly.

"Ten gold coins says it's a girl," I said with a grin.

Before Chrom could respond Sumia reached up, grabbing my collar and dragging me close to her face. The sheer, unadulterated, unfiltered emotion on her face, namely rage, almost made me piss my pants.

"THIS IS NOT THE TIME!" she snarled, before falling back into her birthing position.

"R-right, sorry," I said quickly. "Just… keep breathing. In and out."

Dear lord I thought she was about to kill me.

"It's coming!" one of the midwives called helpfully from the end of the bed.

Sumia let out another cry that sounded like a wounded animal, her knuckles going white as she broke mine and Chrom's.

"I can see the head!" the other midwife supplied.

"Oooh… get it out! Get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out!" Sumia screamed.

"Push, my lady, push!" the first midwife said.

"Oh gods," Chrom groaned, having gone back to being green.

"Almost there, one last push!" the other midwife said.

And with one last, anguished cry from her mother little Lucina was brought into this world. Sumia collapsed backwards, panting and still gripping out hands for dear life, her skin covered in sweat and her hair a mess. Chrom didn't look much better, and for a few moments there was a tense silence finally broken when Lucina gave her first mewling cries. Chrom sagged in relief, tears at the corners of the big man's eyes as Sumia gave a weak laugh, her grip finally loosening on our hands.

"It's a girl!" one of the midwives, I lost track of which, declared.

"A girl…" Chrom repeated, dazed. "I have a little girl… let me see her, I want to see my daughter."

The Exalt began to move around to where the midwives were still kneeling at the end of the bed, and suddenly a thought occurred to me.

"Uh, Chrom, maybe you should-"

"Aaaand there's the afterbirth!" one of the midwives crowed.

Chrom, who had just reached the end of the bed, gave a high-pitched whine and fell backwards. The Exalt of Ylisse, the literal strongest and most important man I had ever known, who had faced down Plegia's armies without so much as breaking stride, passed out like a bitch. He went rigid and just leaned backwards, impacting the floor with a hollow thud.

"I tried to warn you, bro," I laughed.

Sumia sighed weakly, shaking her head slightly as she accepted the still-crying Lucina from one of the midwives and looking up at me. "Can you make sure he's not dead, please?"

I nodded, still laughing as I moved around to where Chrom was lying. I nudged him with the tip of my boot a few times until he stirred, then knelt down to cover his eyes with my hand.

"C'mon, big guy, let's go meet your little girl," I said, helping him up with my other hand.

He leaned heavily on me until I uncovered his eyes when we were safely at the side of the bed, the midwives both clearly trying not to laugh at the Exalt fainting. I stepped back, standing with the two older ladies as the happy family met their daughter for the first time. It then occurred to me that I hadn't seen Lissa all day, which was weird considering she was a trained cleric as well, but that would be a question for later.

"I have something for the baby," I said after a few minutes. "It's kind of a silly little family tradition where I'm from. My grandmother bought a gold ring for each grandchild that was born, each one with that child's birthstone set in it. I, uh, figured, since I'm the Godfather and all, well, uh…"

I pulled a small velvet pouch out of my pocket, handing it to Chrom and looking at the ground.

"Where I'm from her birthstone is diamond. It's not much, probably nothing fitting for a princess, but…"

Chrom shook his head. "We'll treasure it. As I'm sure she will, also."

I glanced up, meeting the sunny smiles of the royal family. Chrom showed the ring to Sumia, a simple golden band, engraved with the feather pattern from the background on my own family crest. The diamond itself was nothing special; thankfully they hadn't had the same marketing boom that the real world had experienced thanks to crafty advertisers, so I'd actually paid more for the gold than the stone. But a decent sized gem was set into a clasp stylized to look like the brand of the Exalt, the symbol of House Ylisse. Judging from their faces, it looked like I'd done good.

* * *

I'd finally made my way back to the barracks sometime after nightfall. Chrom had been ecstatic once he'd recovered from his initial shock, and once the ladies in waiting had cleaned Sumia up everyone had wanted to see the new baby. Frederick's slack-jawed face when presented with the child of his Lord and Lady had been priceless. I'd whished for a camera so hard at that moment I thought one would pop into my hands. Cordelia had burst into tears, which had in turn set Sumia off again, and I had simply rolled my eyes.

Eventually, though, when Sumia was resting and everyone else was drinking in the Shepherds' barracks, I'd snuck off. I'd raised a toast to Lucina's health so I wouldn't offend Chrom, but I'd stopped drinking entirely after the victory party fiasco, and I intended to keep it that way. Being around the others sober while they were getting totally shit-faced wasn't as fun as it sounded.

As I stepped into the common room I shared with the time-travelling Lucina and Laurent I realized a figure was sitting hunched in one of the chairs, their face in their hands and their elbows resting on their knees. Lucina glanced up as I came in, and expectant and hopeful look on her face.

"You're up late," I said.

"And you are late returning," she said, a strange waver in her voice. "Is everything… a-am I… was it…"

I sighed a little, grinning as I crossed the space and put a hand on her shoulder. "Everything's fine. You were born without any complications, although your father fainted like a little girl."

Lucina blinked up at me for a few moments before sighing and looking back down, her shoulders starting to tremble as relief flooder her posture.

"That is good," she said, her voice thick with emotion and holding a hint of self depreciation. "I know it is foolish of me, but I just… I could not shake the feeling of nervousness…"

I nodded, stepping back and reaching into my pocket for the other thing I'd gotten from the jeweler in town. I held the little velvet pouch out to the Princess, and she looked up at me with confusion on her face.

"It's not much, probably nothing fit for a princess, but… here. Happy birthday, Lucina."

She rose slowly to her feet, one shaking hand accepting the pouch from me and looking inside. She pulled the small golden necklace out, the charm hanging from it catching and reflecting the weak light in the room.

"I gave a ring with the same stone to your parents for you when you grow up," I said softly. "It's a silly little family tradition. I figured you were a little too old for me to be giving a diamond ring, so… I hope this is good enough."

Lucina nodded, choking back a sob. "I… never came of age before I lost my parents. I-if you gave them the ring in the past, I was never old enough t-to receive it from them before they died… thank you, Ben."

I nodded, shrugging a little in the darkness.

This felt weird. I had wanted to do something nice for her birthday, but maybe next time I'd make a cake or something. This was… too much for me. I needed to make a dick or a fart joke or something to break this mood we had-

Before I could even finish that thought Lucina stepped closer to me, coming up on her toes to plant a soft, tender kiss on my lips before wrapping her arms around me and resting her head on my shoulder. On instinct I returned the hug, eyes going wide over the top of her head as I internally screamed.

"Thank you," she whispered again, before disengaging from me and disappearing into her room.

And leaving a very confused Ben standing there, wondering what in the name of unholy fuck had just happened.

* * *

 **AN: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's ba~ack! I'm endeavoring to keep these ANs short now. Yeah, stylized version of childbirth there. I know it takes a LOT longer, but for comedic and pacing purposes I took artistic liberty with it. Kinda gross stuff, but again something no one ever touches on. I may have crossed a line there, but what is this story if not to cross lines?**

 **So, important stuff; everything in the original Self Insert Adventure up to and including chapter 12 has happened, but we're going off on a different world line here. So no, Severa is no longer the SI's child and Cordelia is no longer Morgan's mother. I wanted to finish the story, but I didn't want the SI character to be tied down when there's just so much fun to be had with the characters introduced in Valm. Why a separate story, though? Because I felt like the last one works better as a story about a man that is a rough caricature of me coming to terms with his demons and finding peace in an alien world. This story, when I actually manage to work on it, will be a story about said man becoming a serious power and eventually RULING THE WORLD. Kidding. But I will finish the story of Awakening this time. Eventually. I am still maintaining my semi-retirement status here.**

 **And a big shout-out to all my friends working with me on the Invisible Ties Audio Drama Project. You're all amazing. This story is for you.**

 **Yes, I promise my next update is Future's End.**

 **Don't forget I'm on Twitter - metalloverCAB**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter the Second, or "The Most Expedious Growth of my Officer Cadre"**

* * *

Few things in the world, the real world or the Fire Emblem world I currently found myself in, are more beautiful than boobs. For most men, anyway. And quite a few women. A distant second is the boo-tay, but that's not what we're talking about right now. Beautiful sunset? Honey, if you're watching that with a man you'd better believe he's ogling your chest. Wonderful scenery? Eyes will almost always be glued to the sweater yams.

The female form is a thing of beauty. I have much respect for it. All women are beautiful in their own way, and I truly believe this from the bottom of my soul.

I also believe that a woman's truest, most unfiltered beauty can only be found during the peak of coitus. In other words, during fuckin'.

Yeah, we're going there. There is a point to this rant, though.

What I'm trying to get at here is that it takes a lot, A LOT, to turn a man off during the act.

For me? One fucking word.

"Ohh, harder daddy…"

"What!? No! Nooooooooooo!"

I stopped the movement of my hips, eyes wide with shock and not a little disgust.

I was kneeling behind a very naked Tharja who was on all fours, this position having become a favorite of hers for some reason, both of us panting and having a right good old time in my room in the palace. Until she'd called me 'daddy'. Now, my fetishes are many and varied, but I would like to state for the record that _this is not one of them._

"Why'd you stop?" she moaned into the sheets, gyrating her hips against me a little.

"Woman the fuck did you just say?" I asked in response.

"Wh-what? I called you da-"

"Oh my god no don't say it again! Ah! Ahhhh!"

"Why? I heard from some of the maids that men like this kind of thing…"

"Does it feel like I like it!? I have never been more flaccid!"

True enough, I'd gone soft. Tharja's own eyes went wide as the other foot dropped, sliding off of me and turning around on her knees.

"I-I-I'm so sorry! I just wanted to… do something special for tonight, and…" she trailed off, shoulders starting to quiver as a blush rose up her neck.

She was, funnily enough, totally submissive in the bedroom. For me, anyway. I'd hate to see some other guy with her. Actually, that could be pretty funny… But I digress. So far everything we had tried had been at my gentle, subtle and not-so-subtle urgings. Clearly she'd wanted to try something new on her own first, but this one was… an unfortunate choice. There was plenty of other stuff we hadn't done yet she could have picked. Well, there was… some stuff? Maybe? If she'd done some research? Yeah, okay, we'd been going a little nuts lately. But c'mon, can you blame me? With those boingy bits throwing themselves at me regularly? No man could resist that forever.

With a sigh I flopped down on the rumpled and discarded sheets, my head missing the pillows by a good foot. I mean really, who needed a bed this big? Once I was comfortable I reached up and gently tugged Tharja down to rest on my shoulder, holding her close.

"Not that I don't appreciate the effort," I said, "But that one's off-limits. So is 'onii-chan' or big brother or any other incestuous crap."

I finished my sentence by brushing her hair aside and planting a kiss on her forehead. She gave a little nod as she snuggled in closer to me, her sweat-slick body still radiating heat.

"It's just… I'm going to be away from you for so long…" she muttered plaintively.

I sighed again, giving her a squeeze. Part of my big plans to fuck with Grima and Valm were, of course, preparing an over-leveled defense. Training the army, over-levelling my characters, having the mages come up with lovely area of effect spells… which was why Tharja was going away the next day. There were some ancient texts in her family's estate in Plegia that would help her immensely with this task, apparently. So I was sending her and Gaius, who I was paying in cookies, to go and get them. Gaius' job was two-fold, though; guard Tharja and look for any and all Chon'sinian expats he could find that were willing to come back with him. Mostly because I wanted to learn the language, and that surly bastard Lon'qu wasn't talking, but also because I wanted some local-looking spies once we got over there. I was playing long-term here.

"It's not going to be that long," I sighed. "Just a couple of months. I'm sure if you get bored Gaius would be more than willing to be your fuck-bu-"

"No!" Tharja said quickly before calming a little. "I… I know you don't feel the same way, but… you're the only man I'll ever… the only one I've ever…"

I sighed again, the guilt-trip hitting me hard.

Rolling my eyes I rolled her off of me, positioning myself near her waist as I did so. She gave a series of confused gasps as I did this and began to run my hand up the inside of her thigh.

"Wh-what are you…" she began to ask, trailing off as my hand rose higher, my intentions becoming clear.

"What? Neither of us are done yet," I shrugged, lowering my head between her perfect thighs. "Just no more pet names, okay? Or I'm gonna start calling you Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck."

* * *

The next morning I muttered beneath my breath as I stomped into my office in the barracks. As nice as the palace was having to get up early and walk here was a gigantic pain in the ass. Breakfast with Chrom and Sumia was nice, too. She was looking good, and wee baby Lucina was doing well, too. I had been checking in on them regularly, making sure that Lucina was healthy and Sumia was okay, too. Not a lot of guys know this, but pregnancy doesn't really stop just 'cause the kid's popped out. There's all kinds of nasty shit, physically and mentally, to watch out for for the first few months afterwards. I was leaving the physical side to the royal physicians and Sumia's maids, but I could at least monitor her mental health a little better than the doctors in this era. Last thing I needed was for one of my precious fliers to be thrown into a sanitarium for having post-partum depression…

Plus, for reason's I'm not entirely sure of, Chrom and Sumia had kind of adopted me as, like, a surrogate brother or something. I had paid close attention, and none of House Ylisse's other retainers were treated with the same level of respect and equality I was. Not even Frederick. I got the feeling Chrom was trying to replace Emmeryn with me a little at first, but I shook that idea from my head pretty quickly. She and I were polar opposites; Emm had been, or still was thank you Spot Pass, a paragon of cool unshakable stability. I was a quick-tempered irreverent ass-hole, and I will freely admit it, known far and wide for regularly ignoring Ylissean social protocol. Still, though, they seemed rather attached to me for reasons beyond my understanding, so I felt obligated to take care of them. Curse my older-brother complex.

Tharja and Gaius had left earlier that morning, just before dawn. For the first time in a while I was left wondering where I'd be getting laid, but compared to the other crap I had to deal with that was small-fry worries.

To my surprise, and minor irritation, as I entered my office I found Virion waiting with Ricken. The mage waiting for me was a regular thing. He'd become a great adjutant, launching himself into whatever tasks I had for him with single-minded gusto that, on occasion, scared me a little. Now, on the other hand, I was still a little shitted off with Virion for the way he had cut and run during the victory banquet in the palace a few months ago. He'd been laying low ever since, trying desperately to salvage his social status after entering the event with me and my subsequent head-butting of an ass-hole Duke. Clearly he'd been playing for allies for when he eventually returned to Rosanne. It was pretty obvious. Hell, it's what I would've done. But he'd picked the wrong side; he hadn't picked my side. And I'm first to admit that if you cross me I'm your worst fucking enemy.

"Ah, good morning, friend Ben," he greeted with a slight bow. "I hope this day finds you well?"

"Virion," I said, feigning surprise. "Huh. I was beginning to forget what you looked like. How are you, old chap?"

"Ah, I am well," he said, still putting on airs. "In fact, I find myself with an abundance of free time. Time I have come to offer to you as a member of your budding army."

I glanced at Ricken, quirking one brow. He subtly shrugged, hugging the clip-board he was constantly carrying since I'd made it for him to his chest as he moved to stand beside me. A subtle hint that Virion wasn't going to find allies here.

"I see," I nodded. "I would be worried about what your noble friends would think of that."

"I would not," Virion scoffed. "They are no friends of mine nor House Virion."

"So you come crawling back after ditching me at that fucking party?" I asked plainly, dropping the act. "Funny how that happens just after I get an army. Isn't the timing weird, Ricken?"

"Weird, sir," the young mage agreed.

"Desertion in this army is a capital offence, Virion," I went on. "I don't think you could handle it."

This had the exact reaction I was hoping for. Virion opened his mouth to respond, his eyes going wide with surprise before clamping his mouth shut again as shame flooded his face and he looked away.

Yeah. Bask in it, fucker.

"I… have led men before," he said, rallying a little. "I would be of great use to-"

"My officers are promoted on merit, not bloodline," I cut him off, crossing my arms. "I could find a place for you in Third Platoon with the other archers, but you'd have to follow Sergeant…"

"Rossi, sir," Ricken supplied.

"Sergeant Rossi's orders," I continued. "Who answers to Major Ricken here."

Virion seemed to deflate a little before nodding. "Very well. If I must first prove my worth, than prove it I shall."

I glanced at Ricken again and he gave a small, helpless shrug. Truth of the matter was that while long-term my strategy of promoting through merit would be better, short term it left us with very few competent or even experienced leaders. And Virion, as he so often loved to point out after a few glasses of wine, had led his forces in his homeland personally. Even if he hadn't done a good job, and I didn't know if he had or not, it was still more than the others I had. At the moment Ricken was playing Major for the newly minted Third Platoon. A kid who had only just recently lost his v-card, with battlefield experience as a follower, not a leader. He and I had already talked about his inexperience, and he was more than willing to step down as Major for a permanent role as my adjutant. Problem was, even then we didn't have a Colonel to lead Second Platoon. My hands were tied here. I needed his experience.

With a great sigh I ran my hand down my face. I hoped I wouldn't regret this.

"Virion, I'm going to give you one shot. One. Shot. I'll institute you at the rank of Colonel, answerable only to me. You'll have command of Second Platoon, mostly lighter infantry than First Platoon and support squads like archers and scouts. Once we get the Second and Third regiments running, I'll be putting you in charge of one of them, but that probably won't be for a while. Virion, I'll only say this once. I'm not playing here. This is serious. You fuck this up, people will die, and you'll be thrown in a brig and then hung for incompetence. Am I clear?"

The archer swallowed and nodded gracefully, a small grin rising to his face after a moment. "Of course, Sir. However, you should know that I am an exemplary archer. One shot is all I'll need. I won't let you down."

"Make another pun like that and I'll give you a shield and stick you in the front line for the wooden horse exercises," I warned.

"It's broken again," Ricken piped up.

"Seriously?" I groaned. "I mean, sure we're hitting the things pretty damn hard, but didn't we build them to last?"

"Er… I do not follow," Virion said hesitantly.

"Don't worry," I sighed. "If Ricken's Third Platoon can get it working again you'll see just before lunch. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go see Lon'qu for my daily beating. Ricken, show Virion around. I'll meet you both on the training grounds later."

* * *

Much to my continued surprise I had a couple of extra spectators for my training that morning. Lon'qu was standing in his usual position swinging his sword in lazy arcs to warm himself up. However, it was Lissa, not Libra, waiting patiently to one side with a staff in her hands. Libra was touring the ordered ranks of soldiers drilling and sparring instead, a very bored-seeming Nowi following him like a bad smell. On second thought Lissa looked just as bored, continually glancing back and forth between me and Lon'qu as I lifted my practice sword.

"What's with the audience?" I asked.

"Reasons," Lon'qu deadpanned.

A thought occurred to me, and I couldn't help but grin a little.

"Assassins after the princess or something?" I snickered. "Or is she just interested in ogling the man-meat?"

The way that Lon'qu had tensed up at the remark about 'assassins' pretty much answered my question, as well as answering the lingering question of who Lucina's uncle would be. However, he rallied pretty quickly sensing I was just kidding and shook his head.

"Shut up and fight," he growled, launching himself at me.

The next few hours passed in a haze of blows to the head and healing magic, Lon'qu pummeling me mercilessly as Lissa healed me. Her healing magic was a lot more pleasant than Libra's for some weird reason. More calming and soothing. Must've been a woman thing. Or maybe because it was that I knew for a fact Lissa was actually female and I didn't have to feel weird about being attracted to her. Dunno. Pretty sure by that stage I was nursing a concussion.

"Okay, you I get," I said to Lissa as she held her staff over me. "But what's with little-miss-jailbait-dragon following Padre around?"

Lissa, Lon'qu and I were sitting in the shade, myself and Lon'qu sipping from waterskins as Lissa healed me. I'd managed to slip around Lon'qu's guard again a couple of times today, but the student was far from surpassing the master.

Lissa glanced up, watching Nowi bouncing innocently along behind Libra, an adorable bored pout on her face. "I think she's just been bored lately."

I nodded. "Well, she can come on a mission with me. I'm guessing, since I'd like to take Lon'qu as well, you'll be joining us too?"

They both glanced up at me in surprise. I hadn't mentioned anything about this before, but I was still a spur of the moment kind of guy. Figured I may as well go see if I could find Robin the other day, so that's where we were going. I'd sent out some of the trackers I was molding into scouts from the Second Platoon to find someone resembling him in the south; they'd turned up three people fitting his physical description and one fitting his circumstances. So I was going to take a small squad, leave Virion and Ricken in charge, and go find him. Because why the fuck not? It'd be good to see how Virion handled responsibility, and I'm sure Libra would relish the break…

Good lord this was a horrible idea. Maybe I was letting the concussion do the talking.

"Really!?" Lissa beamed. "You mean I'll get to go out of the palace and-"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Lon'qu cut her off.

"Well I'm the General, and I know what's going on already. Assassins, right? What better way to deal with them than lure em out into the open and stick em with pointy metal sticks?"

Again Lissa and Lon'qu looked at me in shocked awe, blinking. Lissa was the first to recover while Lon'qu was still gaping like a fish.

"You really are a genius," she said in a hushed whisper.

"No, I know how to listen," I groaned, rolling my eyes and lying out my ass. "I know how to read people. Take in rumors. Sort fact from fiction. This is something I wanted to take care of myself, honestly, so if we can nip this in the bud I'll be a happy, happy man."

"Aw, you do care," Lissa giggled.

"Or maybe I just want to throw you at them for putting frogs in my damn boots," I deadpanned, narrowing my eyes. "Either way, we leave in the morning. Don't tell Frederick, it'll just make him worry."

"This is a terrible idea," Lon'qu deadpanned.

"I wasn't asking your opinion," I shot back.

"And I'm not giving you my opinion, I'm stating a fact. Putting her in harm's way-"

"Is the last thing they'll expect us to do," I cut him off. "Think about it. Assassins are trained to skulk, hide in shadows. A big, fancy city like Ylisstol has a fuckton of places to hide. Out on the open road? With one of the best trackers in the country watching our six? We'll see em coming a mile away."

Lon'qu wilted a little, my logic clearly overpowering his desire to see the young blonde safe. Truth of the matter was Lissa was far from the delicate porcelain doll she had been during the early days of the Plegian War. She was a Shepherd now, and while she was one of the dedicated healers she was still a badass. I'd seen her brave enemy fire with nothing to protect her except her leather corset and weird dress cage thingy to drag wounded soldiers to safety. Hell, I was an idiot and even I didn't pull that shit. It took a special type of stupid, mixed with a lot of bravery, to be the medic.

So, of course, Lissa was clearly all for my plan.

"C'mon, Lon, it'll be fine," she pestered. "I'm tougher now than I used to be!"

"Don't call me that," Lon'qu sighed, deflating. "Fine. But I don't like it."

"You don't like anything," I snorted.

"Yay! I'll go tell Nowi!" Lissa cheered, standing and running towards the training grounds.

Lon'qu and I sat in silence for a moment, watching the girls talk excitedly under the serene and watchful, and so, so attractive, gaze of Libra. Nowi seemed overjoyed by the news, throwing her arms around Lissa's neck in a big hug as the two girls laughed and spun.

"So…" I said as we continued to watch, breaking the silence. "It's 'Lon' now, huh? You sly dog, you."

The only response I got was the crack of Lon'qu's training sword snapping up and smashing me in the back of the head as I snickered.

* * *

The next morning I'd had Elle wake me early, before sunrise, and I was standing at Ylisstol's southern gate in the pre-dawn fog. Of course, Lon'qu had gone right to Chrom about my plan, so I wasn't standing alone. Olivia and Gregor were both waiting with me, the timid dancing girl doing everything she could to keep me between her and the old mercenary. As for Gregor, judging by the way he was swaying back and forth I'd say he was still drunk from the previous night. Nowi was there too, yawning from her perch atop the packs sitting in a pile near the gate, wrapped up in my travelling coat. Because god forbid the girl wear her own fucking clothes. No women ever did that. Something about men's hoodies and jackets just has like a magnet for women. This was especially true because Olivia was _wearing my fucking travelling cloak_. Meaning I was standing there in my shirt and jeans, shivering miserably as we waited for the last two members of our party.

Amazingly enough I'd managed to ditch Lucina, too, which meant I'd finally be able to relax. She'd been a little… weird around me since her birthday. Not that we'd ever been close, but the quantity and quality of the snark she was throwing my way was greatly diminished, and I was actually somewhat disappointed by that.

"I'm bored!" Nowi groaned.

"We'll be leaving soon," I sighed.

"I wanna leave now!"

"Wow. Look at all these fucks I don't give."

"That's mean."

"You have no idea."

I glared at her over my shoulder, the dragon girl giving a playful little pout before she smiled again and snuggled tighter in my coat. She wasn't as stupid as she let on, meaning she knew exactly how pissed I was that she had my coat. I shook my head, turning to Olivia.

"So, him I get," I said, nodding at Gregor. "But what are you doing here?"

The dancer fidgeted, clasping her hands and trying to hide beneath my oversized cloak at the attention.

"I… want to collect some herbs," she said at length. "A-and… I wanted… to talk to you more. About your homeland."

"Curious, huh? Sure, I don't mind. Be plenty of time to talk on the road."

Especially now that I didn't have my bitchy blue-haired shadow following my every damn move…

Olivia seemed to perk up, smiling radiantly beneath the hood of my cloak. I kept forgetting just how goddamn attractive she was. However we both turned as Gregor let out a low groan, holding a hand to his head.

"Gregor is thinking he is making with the puking," the mercenary muttered.

"Will you just go get some damn water?" I sighed. "Dunk your head in it and sober up already. It'll be a long, miserable day for you if you don't."

"Is true, yes," Gregor nodded. "Gregor being right back."

With that he lumbered off towards the gatehouse, dunking his head in the horse watering trough without an ounce of hesitation. I shook my head as Olivia edged closer to me. For some reason the big guy really intimidated her. I was half expecting her to say she didn't want to come with us now. But maybe that was wishful thinking because I wanted my damn cloak back. Honestly I was surprised she even tolerated my presence when she was so timid around other men, but I was supposed to be playing Robin so I can see her being predisposed to being more open to me.

… maybe I could get laid here? Nah, not worth risking fathering a little prat like Inigo.

After another ten minutes or so of awkward silence punctuated by groans from the inebriated mercenary Lon'qu and Lissa finally decided to show. She looked as chirper and happy as ever, like I wasn't about to use her as the largest worm on a hook in existence, and Lon'qu just looked tired. Like walking through a pre-dawn town full of fog had made him antsy. Which, given the circumstances, no doubt had.

That's what the fucker got for that blow to the head yesterday.

"Wow, you all look miserable," Lissa said, sunny cheer practically radiating off of her.

"I hate you right now," I deadpanned. "Let's just go."

Lissa surprised everyone, though, when she came right up to me and slugged me in the arm. All of a sudden it was easy to see how she and Chrom were related. She didn't quite pack his wallop, but she didn't hit light either… must've been a familial trait from being related to Naga.

"What, I wasn't good enough to marry?" she asked with an impish grin.

"Oh not this shit again. I thought I was doing you a favor," I groaned before clearing my throat and deadpanning. "Look, you're not my type. It's not you, it's me. You make me want to be a better person. We're just at two different stages of our lives. Any of this working?"

Lissa snorted before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"Ah, you're silly," she said when she finally calmed down. "But thank you for talking some sense into my brother."

"And…" I prompted.

"And for giving me the chance to choose my own husband," Lissa droned, rolling her eyes before hitting me again. "You know a year ago I would have been disappointed you turned his offer down. It's amazing how fast a girl can get over a crush."

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes. "Can we leave now?"

"Wait," Lon'qu said, tossing something from beneath his cloak at me.

"For fuck's sake what now?"

On instinct I caught it, marveling at the short sword now resting in my hand. It wasn't particularly special as far as swords go, the same sort of weapon given to the palace guards as a side-arm if their fancy polearms weren't up to a job. So it was nicer than usual, but it was no Falchion.

"Figured it was time to stop playing with sticks," Lon'qu said, the ghost of a smirk on his face.

"Why, so you can actually stab me now? Joy. I'm the luckiest girl in the world," I said back, tying the straps on the sheathe to my belt.

"I want a present, too!" Nowi declared, standing up on our packs and throwing her arms in the air.

"You've already got my damn jacket, what more could you want!?" I snapped.

"I've seen Marth's fancy new necklace," the manakete said dangerously. "I want. A present."

"So keep the jacket and be happy or stay in Ylisstol, I'm broke," I sighed. "Everyone move out. I'm sick of standing here."

We only got a few meters out of the palace gates, Nowi and Lissa traipsing on ahead while Lon'qu sighed and rushed to keep up with them and Gregor stumbling along at the rear, when Olivia came up alongside me.

"So what's this about you giving Marth a present?" she asked with a glint in her eye, her usual timidity gone.

"It was her birthday," I deadpanned, not making eye contact.

"I'm sure it was that," Olivia said with a big grin.

I sighed, coming to a stop. "Yo, Gregor. Keep up, old man. Do I gotta hold your hand or what? Walk with us."

The way Olivia's face dropped almost made me drop my poker face, but I held it in. And spent the rest of the day laughing inside at her discomfort. Bitch try to tease me. Don't fuck with the master.

* * *

The day passed in a standard travelling haze of boredom broken up by a light lunch, followed by more boredom. I answered as many questions about home's society and people as I could for Olivia and Lissa, once she joined in, but the concept of horseless carriages went right over their heads. Unfortunately my knowledge of internal combustion engines is only marginally better than that of an average person's, so I couldn't really explain it to them that well. We ended up talking history, though, one of the things I kinda specialized in back home. You can't really engage with a piece of literature unless you understood the time it was written in after all. I'd loved the colonial and post-colonial eras; all the exploration, the changing world, filling in the edges of the map… Olivia, in particular, seemed to be pretty interested in what I had to say. Nowi just spent the day flitting back and forth between bugging Gregor and really bugging Lon'qu. While still wearing my jacket.

"So the people in your homeland are as divided as they are here?" Lissa asked as we set down our packs near the fire pit Lon'qu was just starting to light.

"If not more-so," I snorted. "I don't think there's been a period in history where people weren't killing each other."

Seriously, if anyone knows of even a month of time when there was no war in our world hit me up.

"That's so sad," Olivia said quietly.

"It's just human nature," I shrugged. "Except that it's called 'peacekeeping' now."

Across the fire Gregor flopped down on his back, positioning his pack as a pillow, pulling a canvas sheet up to his neck and rolling onto his side. And almost instantly starting to snore. No doubt he still had a hand on his sword under that sheet, though. He was a pretty successful mercenary despite how he acted.

The plan was to travel light, so we were suffering through a cold dinner of travelling food; crappy cheese, hard bread and jerky. My favorites. … yes, that was sarcasm. I sighed, rolling out my neck and subtly glancing around. If the assassins were smart, this is where they'd attack us. Hell, even if they weren't smart. I 'wasn't posting a guard because we were in safe territory', so I'm sure they'd be stupid enough to take the bait. And with power hitters like Lon'qu and Gregor? They were fucked.

After eating my rations as fast as I could so I didn't have to taste them I pulled a disposable fire tome out of my pack, flipping it open on my lap and beginning to concentrate.

"Ooh, watcha doing?" Nowi asked, flopping onto my back and perching her chin on my shoulder.

"Trying to concentrate," I said, glaring at her out of the corner of my eye.

I let out a breath, holding my hand up and muttering the incantation. It wasn't really about what you said. The incantation is just there to help you focus. It works with the spellbook to focus the mana, the life-force, in the body and push it out to react with the od in the air. Then hey-presto you got magic. So, of course, my incantation wasn't as… serious as the others'.

"Yo, fire, get your ass out here and burn shit."

A few sparks leapt from my palm before I became, once more, distracted.

"Nom."

I glanced out of the corner of my eye again at Nowi, who was now nibbling on my ear.

"Nowi."

"Mmm?"

"Why are you chewing on my ear?"

She finally released my ear, grinning through half-lidded eyes that I'm sure on anyone else would be rather seductive. Unfortunately this was Nowi, and she looked like a twelve year old.

"You don't like it?"

"I'm trying to concentrate."

"I'll be gentle," she promised, her hot breath on my ear as-

"Contacts," Lon'qu muttered across the fire.

"Oh thank you god," I mumbled as Nowi removed herself from my person.

I rose to my feet, spellbook still in one hand as I turned around to look at the ring of assassins that had surrounded our little campsite. Lon'qu was shielding Lissa, their backs to mine as Nowi and Olivia watched the other points of the compass and Gregor continued to snore.

"It wasn't smart to leave the city," one of the assassins said.

"You walked right into our hands," another said.

"Give us the girl and we'll make this quick," a third added.

"Resist, and-"

"Oh my god will you shut the fuck up," I growled, silencing the fourth assassin. "What, you ass holes got a script planned out where you all get to say a piece? Fucking hell."

They shifted, glancing back and forth between each other. Clearly they weren't used to people back-chatting them when surrounded.

"I don't think you understand," one of them said.

"We have you trapped," another added.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes," one of the assassins nodded.

"Really?"

"Yes, we do."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Silence! I'll hear no more of your prattle! You're surrounded! There's no one to come help you! Yes, we're sure you fell into our trap!"

"Funny," I scoffed. "From where I'm standing it looks more like you fell into mine. Everyone hit the dirt."

With that warning Lon'qu dragged Lissa down as Olivia and Nowi ducked and I extended my hand. Sure, I wasn't at the stage where I could make fire with my mind yet. But controlling flames that were already there? That I could do no problem.

A tongue of flames leapt up from the fire, the pit momentarily going out as the flames were sucked into a ring around us before the dry sticks caught again. The reason I'd had everyone duck was simple. I couldn't quite control this yet. But I could sure as shit point the flames in the right direction. With a grin I made a fist and shouted, flames flying out in every direction around us at waist height.

"EXPLOOOOOOSION!" I cried as the campsite lit up.

The effect was devastating and immediate. The assassins hiding in the shadows all cried out as one as flames singed their faces, clothes and exposed flesh. Of course, there was no real impact to the spell; this was a distraction. All I was doing was directing flames, there was no stopping power. I had something else for that.

Bellowing like an ox Gregor cast his sheet off, sword already drawn, and raced towards the closest assassins like a damn freight train. I'm pretty sure some of them shit their pants when they saw him coming. Lon'qu, too, darted forward, shouting "Protect the Princess!" over his shoulder while he got to run off and play hero with Gregor. I shrugged, casually sliding my spellbook back into the bag hanging off my shoulder and drawing my sword. If they wanted me to play rearguard I was cool with that.

Nowi laughed, throwing off my jacket and transforming into her dragon form, adding to the general pandemonium by spitting gouts of magical blue dragon-fire at the assassins not already engaged with the other two guys. Leaving me to stand there and guard Lissa and Olivia. The poor schmucks really didn't last long, but faced with experts and a dragon I don't think anyone would. Really, Lon'qu was canonically supposed to be able to handle all of these guys himself.

"That's the last of them," Lon'qu reported, flicking his sword clean and sliding it into its sheathe.

"Awesomesauce," I sighed, sheathing my own weapon. Which I hadn't even used, but whatever.

Lissa darted out from behind me, running right up to Lon'qu with her staff. "Here, hold still and let me tend to your wounds."

"I'm fine," he said. "Are you hurt?"

Lissa shook her head, clutching her staff close. "No. Thanks to you."

"Hey, we helped," I called out.

"Oy. Leaving to youngsters be," Gregor muttered, steering me away with one meaty hand on my shoulder and a big grin on his face. "Gregor is thinking we set up new clean campsite, yes?"

I had to roll my eyes when I realized that Nowi and Olivia were grinning just as widely as the mercenary. I mean, I knew for a fact that Lissa and Lon'qu weren't at the S-rank yet, but they were close. Clearly something was brewing between them.

Whatever. I was tired and wanted to sleep. They could work it out themselves.

* * *

It should come to no one's surprise that I woke with a certain manakete clinging to me inside my bedroll the next morning. Fortunately we were both still clothed, otherwise I would have already been running, but it was still somewhat impressive that she'd managed to crawl into my bedroll without me noticing.

Rather than freak out and get my balls pummeled again like last time I took a deep breath and just looked at the early morning sky. The sun hadn't risen yet, and the sky had that weird kind of grey tint that pre-dawn always does. I glanced around, mindful of not waking the manakete that could eat me in three bites if she wanted to, taking in the morning countryside. Lon'qu had his back to me and the fire, watching the fields around us with Lissa sleeping right next to him. Gregor snored like someone sawing wood not far away, and Olivia slept on her side not far away from me (yet still on the opposite side of the camp as Gregor).

"Nowi. Nowi wake up. I'm not a hugging pillow. Get the hell off'a me."

She gave a cute little groan, nuzzling closer to my side and grinding her body against me.

Was… was she trying to seduce me?

"Noooooooooowi. Wake up. Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake-"

"Awright, awright, 'm up," she groaned.

"Wanna explain this?" I asked.

"I got cold," she said with a yawn.

"Would you like to get up so I can get up?"

"I've got a better idea. Why don't we both go back to sleep for a little while?"

"I wanted to be in Southtown today, thank you."

Nowi groaned again, wrapping her legs around one of mine.

"But it's cold out there, and you're so warm!"

"You're a fucking dragon, you don't get cold. Also, you have my coat. What more could you possibly want from me?"

"Fine, I'll get up. But you owe me one."

I let out a relieved sigh as she disentangled herself from me and crawled out of my bedroll. I sat up, giving a stretch before glancing at her.

"So what do I owe you?" I deadpanned.

"I'll think of something," she promised with a wink.

I let out another yawn as I climbed to my feet, choosing to ignore her games. Instead I set about waking the others up, and we were back on the road by dawn. Much to Lissa's incessant complaining.

"C'mon, I thought you were doing this to take a break!" she complained.

"No, I specifically said I was going on a mission," I reminded her. "Your assassin problem is dealt with, go back to Ylisstol! I'll even pay Gregor to bring you back."

"Hoy, do not be the dragging of Gregor into this," the old man grumbled.

"No, I'm not that delicate," Lissa pouted. "I signed on for this mission. Besides, what happens if you get hurt?"

"I limp home," I deadpanned.

"It's not that bad," Nowi laughed, coming to my defense. "I was getting bored being cooped up in the city all the time. I like the countryside! It's much nicer. I feel like I can stretch my wings out here!"

I rolled my eyes, neglecting to mention that she was still wearing my jacket and I wanted it back. However, Olivia was still bundled under my cloak, and I couldn't call Nowi out on it without calling out Olivia, who has this amazing kicked-puppy expression that just turned me into putty in her hands…

"Honestly, I'm a city boy," I said with a shrug. "I like the faceless anonymity. The convenience of having everything close by. If the streets didn't stink like piss and shit it wouldn't be so bad."

"Ylisstol does not stink like… like…" Lissa blustered, actually going a little red in the face.

"The palace might not," I shrugged. "Try checking out the slums. All cities smell, even the ones back in my homeland. That's just what happens when you put a bunch of humans together."

Of course there was a big difference between excrement and airborne pollutants, but mentioning that would just confuse them a little more.

"I'm not saying the city's bad," Nowi said quickly. "I like the city, too!"

"But sometimes it's just nice to get out and get back to nature," I conceded. "Without an angry Taguel trying to tear out your throat every few minutes."

"What?" Gregor asked curiously.

I waved him off. "Long story. Involving a lot of Taguel-style training. It sucked. The end."

Gregor snorted, shaking his head as we continued to walk.

That was the thing about travelling in this damn place. The walking. It explained why there were no over-weight Shepherds, that's for damn sure. Walk everywhere. It was driving me nuts. At least it was aiding in my own attempts to be a statuesque hunk of man candy like all the other damn people I spent my time with. Even Gregor was in better shape than me, and he was no doubt twice my age. Made me feel bad.

The rest of the day passed without incident. Nowi transformed and flew for a bit, but the rest of us just continued to walk as she swooped and spun over our heads. We didn't even break for lunch, eating while we walked. We did, however, break at the edge of a stream to refill our waterskins. And, of course, Nowi had to yank off her boots and wade out into the stream 'to cool off', soaking herself in the process.

"If you get a cold I'm not taking care of you," I warned her.

"That's fine! Dragons don't get sick!" she laughed.

I think it was just my imagination, but as we were getting ready to leave the way she wiped the water down her thin body with her hands in the absence of a towel was pretty damn overly-erotic. When our eyes met she gave me a shy grin and looked away, leaving me to shake my head and wonder what the fuck she was playing at.

Women, dude…

Just as the sun began to sink below the horizon we came on Southtown. The small town had bounced back nicely since being sacked by bandits at the start of the war with Plegia, the rebuilding long since complete. My forward scouts came out to meet us as we entered the town proper, emerging from the inn with a few of the locals.

"Sir," one of them said, stepping forward with a sharp salute.

I waved the others back, stepping forward and nodding at the man. His name was Eli, and he'd been a woodsman in the western provinces before he'd heard my job offers. Now he was one of the better scouts I had, passing his knowledge on to the others as they all trained together.

"Report, Eli."

"Target Alpha is in a small farm to the east," Eli said with a grin, clearly happy I'd remembered his name.

"Good work," I nodded. "You and your men have done well. Start heading back to Ylisstol and await further orders at the barracks."

"Sir!" Eli said, snapping to a salute again. The men behind him did the same, and within moments they had all shouldered their packs and were fast becoming dots in the distance on the road.

Leaving me alone with the mayor and the elder, both of whom I recognized, and three others I didn't. A young woman and two children, a boy and a girl.

"Milord!" the mayor said, coming forward to greet me. "Welcome back to Southtown! Again, we can't thank you enough for saving us from those bandits!"

"Hell, I'm surprised you remember me," I scoffed. "I'm glad to see the town doing well, though."

"Of course we remember you, milord," the elder said. "These youngsters in particular wanted to see you when word got out of your arrival."

The three of them stepped forward, the girls dropping polite curtseys while the boy gave an awkward bow. I quirked my head, making a thoughtful sound. The older girl looked like the Village Maiden model from the game.

"Thank you, milord, for saving us," the maiden said, not meeting my gaze. "You may not remember us, but you were hurt saving us from the bandits."

A scratched my bald head for a moment, squinting at the trio before it clicked. I remembered them! The ones I'd rescued from the bandits before meeting up with Chrom, Lissa and Frederick, when I'd freaked out because I thought I'd just killed a couple of actors.

"I'm glad to see the three of you doing well," I said with my best Chrom-smile.

"A-and you, milord," she said without looking up. "To think that the Lord of Tactics himself rescued us…"

"Well, as fun as this is, we need to keep moving," I said, clapping my hands.

"Please, milord, you can stay one night, can't you?" the mayor asked. "We would be honored to play host to the Lord of Tactics and the Princess! Perhaps even for their weddi-"

"Sorry, we're on the clock," I shrugged. "Perhaps another time."

Fucking hero worship, man… I still hated it.

And why did everyone keep trying to marry me off!?

* * *

After another hour or so of walking dusk had begun to grow into evening, and just as I was beginning to consider calling a halt for the night to camp we came upon our goal. We'd been following a rutted dirt track through fields of wheat, still little more than green shoots at this part of the season. The swaying of the juvenile plants was oddly hypnotic, and even better the short stalks left nowhere for anyone to sneak up on us. Likewise, Robin would see us coming a mile away. Which was good, because I didn't want to spook him.

Eventually we came upon his farmhouse. And I use the word 'house' there generously. I hadn't really thought about how the current technological level would affect outliers to the society. It was little more than a shack. Mud brick walls supported by evenly spaced timber, a thatched roof, ill-fitting wooden shutters over empty windows and a dirt floor inside. It was… rustic. Again, I use that word lightly. I mean I was a lit major and I was struggling to find the words to describe it. There was a small lean-to on one side of the 'house' with all kinds of farming implements, and a rough stable a short way away, obviously full going by the various snorts, clucks and the ungodly stink of shit. Judging from the fact there was no visible well I had to assume there was a permanent water source nearby to draw from. It wouldn't be a bad life, really. But Robin was wasted on it.

"Nice place," I muttered, glancing around a little.

"Is good land," Gregor commented. "Could see old man Gregor tilling fields like these, yes."

"You'd be bored within a week," I snickered.

"I'd need to put a farm somewhere with lots of bandits," Lon'qu added. "I know I'd get bored otherwise."

The three of us laughed quietly, leery of frightening the farmhouse's occupant. Behind us I heard three feminine sighs before Nowi disdainfully muttered. "Men."

There was smoke rising from the hole in the roof that served as a chimney, and we could see the light of the fire inside the house, so someone was home. If this wasn't Robin's place I'd be having words with my scouts first of all, but it would at least give us the chance to find out where he was.

"Hello!" I called out. "We're from Ylisstol, looking for someone named 'Robin'! Hello?"

"Coming!" someone called from within.

The person that came out from the door of the house was thin, but still had strong-looking limbs, no doubt from working the fields. White hair, long seeing as Robin had clearly been neglecting it, hung down past his shoulders as he stepped to meet us. I signaled the others to hang back a little as I stepped forward to meet Robin, struggling to get a good look at him in the dark seeing as he was backlit by the fire from inside.

"Well, well, visited by the Lord of Tactics himself? I must be the luckiest girl in the world. To what do I owe this honor?"

I stopped, the gears in my head turning.

Something was wrong, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it…

His voice sounded off…

The way he carried himself wasn't quite right…

It was almost like…

"Sweet mother of fuck you're a woman!" I exclaimed.

Robin, out of the firelight and standing before us in the dusk, stopped before me, quirking a brow and sinking to a hip. Only… it wasn't Robin. It was FemRobin. Lady Robin.

"Er… yeah, last time I checked," she laughed awkwardly.

This Robin had tits.

She was wearing the costume, at least, minus the coat. Cream shirt, black pants, sturdy boots, nothing really to write home about. But the look in her eyes, the intelligence that stared right through me… there was no doubt. She was Robin.

And she was so fucking hot! I hadn't prepared for this eventuality! I had assumed that because I was male Robin would be too! This… I… what…? Her boobs were huge! Even though she was dirty and ragged from farming medieval style she was still so damn pretty!

"Hiya! I'm Lissa!" the Princess chirped, surging forward. "That's Nowi and Olivia! We're Shepherds!"

"Yes, so I've heard," Robin laughed, shaking Lissa's offered hand. "It's an honor to play host to the Lord of Tactics and royalty."

"You know who I am?" Lissa giggled awkwardly.

"Who wouldn't know the brave Princess of the Shepherds who came to Southtown's aid?" Robin laughed. "And it's nice to meet you as well, Miss Nowi and Miss Olivia."

"L-likewise," Olivia stammered, bowing her head.

I stepped forward again, bringing myself face to face with Robin.

"Are… you sure you're Robin?"

"I am," she laughed, stepping back. "What's this about?"

"But… you're a woman," I persisted.

"Yes, funnily enough Robin is a unisex name."

"Okay, one last time, you're absolutely sure you're a woman?"

"I bleed a week a month, I'm a woman," Robin snapped.

"Charming," Gregor guffawed.

"Well with all due respect I've got six armed strangers invading my farm at night, one of which keeps questioning whether or not I am, in fact, a woman," Robin replied hotly. "Was I supposed to invite you inside for dinner and tea?"

"I like her already," Lon'qu muttered to Gregor.

"Okay, clearly I'm making an ass of myself here," I sighed, closing my eyes and pinching the skin between my brows.

"Clearly," Lissa deadpanned.

"Look, I'm sorry," I said as honestly as I could. "I've been looking for you for a while and my reports all said you were a man. Clearly I'm going to have to have words with my scouts after this. But you're right, and I've been an undue ass hole to you. For that, Lady Robin, I apologize."

"See, you can behave when you try," Lissa snickered, elbowing me in the ribs.

Robin was silent, glaring at me. Our gazes locked, and this time I quirked a brow up at her. Of course she had to be taller than me. Why was everyone taller than me!?

"You know who I am," she said, a statement rather than a question. I knew she had amnesia, and clearly she knew I knew.

"I know of you, my lady," I corrected. "We've never actually met before. Quite honestly, though, we need to talk."

"Well then, come inside. It'll be cozy but we'll all fit," she said, turning on her heel and walking back to the house without another word.

I gave a sigh as we followed her. First hurdle clear. At least she was willing to hear me out, despite my idiocy.

Still, though, given her backstory that may indeed have been the easy part.

* * *

 **AN: Kind of a bridging chapter this time, not a lot going on. Mostly setting up for more stuff later. This episode was bought to you by the ten-hour loop of the Megumin Explosion song from Konosuba. I used it to harness the crazy while I was writing the majority of this chapter. As for who our intrepid Self Inserter fathers? You'll just have to read and find out. I have a no spoilers policy. Also, massive shout-out to Something Witty Entertainment for finishing the first arc of Sword Art Online Abridged. They did an incredible job; without their story to inspire me, this one wouldn't have happened.**

 **Oh, and fuck you Nintendo for that little April Fools joke.** _ **Fire Emblem Battle of Revolution**_ **indeed. Bastards.**

 **The first episode of the Invisible Ties Audio Drama is live! Check it out on YouTube by searching our channel 'Neckties You Can't See' and give us a listen!**

 **Follow me on Twitter - metalloverCAB**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part the Third, or "The Continued Expedious and Quite Often Awkward Growth of My Officer Cadre"**

The air in Robin's little shack- I mean house- could only be described as tense. She and I sat facing each other, practically glaring across the small table between us. Twin cups of tea sat, untouched, as I waited for her to digest the story I'd just told her.

"So to recap," I began, "You are a tactician from Plegia, trained your entire life to be the best of the best. I don't know why you have amnesia, but I want you, Robin, to assist me with the creation and running of the Ylissean Army."

She nodded, her brow furrowed in thought. Of course, I knew a whole helluva lot more than that, but I couldn't really go into much more detail with our audience sitting right behind me. Olivia, Nowi, Lon'qu, Lissa and Gregor sat quietly, waiting for us to finish as they sipped from their own cups of tea. Where Robin had pulled the cups from I had no idea. Why she had so many tea cups, I also had no idea. Maybe her social life was better than I expected of someone out in the middle of nowhere.

"So I'm… Plegian," Robin said at length.

"At least half," I agreed. "I don't actually know where your mother was from."

"I see…" she muttered, absently rubbing at her face.

"And you remember none of this?" I asked, playing the part.

"I don't," she sighed. "If anyone else had come here with such an outrageous story…"

"I trust Ben," Lissa piped up. "I mean, I trust him where this is concerned. I wouldn't really trust him to, like, look after my kids or anything."

"Lissa?"

"Yes, Ben?"

"Stop talking."

Robin snorted, smiling a little as I essentially told the kingdom's princess to shut up.

"Look, I'm not here to force you," I sighed, leaning back in my chair. "Personally, I could use the help. I really could. But this is entirely your call. It's a big job, and I won't, and can't, force you to take it on. You've got a good life here, and if I do my job right it'll be a safe life. But you're meant for more than… this."

I indicated around me at the shack, earning a grunt from Gregor. "Is fine shack," the mercenary muttered.

Robin went silent, looking down at the dirt between her feet as she considered what I'd said.

"For the last two years," she said, speaking slowly, "I've felt out of place. I've worked as hard as I could, turning this farm into something sustainable. I've literally worked until I passed out in the fields. But it never quite felt right. I tried so hard to be a part of the community, but I don't really… mesh with the people of Southtown. And you come, out of the blue, and drop the answer to the question why in my lap. Tell me, Sir Ben, do you believe in destiny?"

"I believe we make our own destiny," I said without thinking. "We're not tied to some scripted fate. Everything can change."

Or in my case, everything _will_ change because I'm not playing nice with the timeline anymore.

Robin nodded slowly, blinking her long, beautiful lashes at me as she digested what I'd just said. The collar of her shirt hung down, offering a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage… I was going to have my work cut out for me behaving myself around this woman.

"If it helps, I'm prepared to offer you a lump sum to come aboard," I shrugged. "In addition to your monthly stipend."

"Money's not really the issue," Robin said. "Somehow I feel like you're still keeping something from me. But… I'll do it. I'll join you and help you build this army."

"Oh thank Naga," I groaned, sagging in my seat. "You have no idea how much easier this is going to make my life."

"Is there anything else I should know?" Robin laughed as we both stood.

"Nothing I can think of-"

"He does have a pretty bad relationship with most of the nobility in Ylisse," Lon'qu cut in. "Given that head-butting incident and all."

"I didn't see you jumping in to stop me at the time," I snapped. "Hell, I threw the first punch but you threw the second."

"You threw a headbutt," Lon'qu reminded me with a smirk.

"Oh whatever!"

"Oh! Oh! And he's grouchy," Nowi added. "Like, really grouchy. Even when he is getting regular sex."

"Nowi, c'mon," I groaned, hiding my face with my hand.

"Speaking of, is quite womanizer, yes?" Gregor added with a shit-eating grin. "Has stories of many conquests in Ylisstol."

"Many exaggerated stories," I ground out, finally beginning to blush. "Three people! I've had sex with three people since I got here! Now, if you lot are just about done embarrassing me… wait, sorry Olivia, would you like a turn?"

"M-me!?" the dancer squeaked.

"Everyone else has made me look like a dumbass," I said sarcastically. "Go ahead, take your best shot."

"Uh… um… I… your back hair is gross."

I groaned as all the others burst into laughter, Robin included, and hid my face with both hands. Note to self; none of them are as stupid as they let on.

"I fucking hate you all," I shouted above their laugher, only making them laugh harder.

"Alright," Robin chuckled. "Now that I know what things to avoid, I'd say it's settled. I look forward to working with you, General."

I frowned as I shook her hand, trying my best not to blush too much as the others continued laughing behind us. To be fair, I was an ass-hole most of the time, so it kind of was about time I got some comeuppance, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

"We can leave in the morning," Robin said, her voice still tinged with laughter. It was like the fucking ringing of bells, I swear to god… "I should have enough blankets here for everyone…"

My new tactician spent the next ten minutes handing out surprisingly well-cared for blankets for everyone to use. That, coupled with our bedrolls, meant we would at least have a warm and comfortable sleep, even if the ground was dirt. I waited until last, though, trying to set a good example as General, and Robin pulled the blanket off her bed before handing it to me.

"Here," she said with a soft smile.

"What'll you use?" I asked seriously.

"Well I'm not sharing with you," Robin laughed.

"You know, I think you're going to get along real well with my assistant," I deadpanned.

Robin laughed as she crossed the room, bending down and reaching inside the trunk she'd pulled all the blankets out of. I won't lie, I spent the entire time she was elbow deep in that trunk looking at her perfect ass. She emerged after a scant few seconds, though, holding a black bundle in her hands. At the sight of the bundle I grew giddy, a grin rising to my face as Robin unfurled her coat and slipped it around her shoulders, switching the spellbook wrapped within from hand to hand as she did so.

"This coat is warmer than the blankets anyway. And more comfortable. I'll be fine."

"That a spellbook?" I asked, still grinning.

"Yeah, I used it to keep the wolves and bandits away for the first year before they got the hint," Robin explained. "I will also be sleeping with it tonight."

"Alright, seriously, I'm really not that bad," I sighed.

* * *

The return trip to Ylisstol went a lot smoother than the trip out, most notably because of the assassins we'd left to rot on the side of the road. I did notice that Lissa and Lon'qu were in that pre-relationship 'let's spend all our damn time together but not fuck' stage, so I left them be. I spent the majority of the trip explaining the organizational structure and ranks of the army I'd been instituting, though, and while Gregor and Nowi kinda faded in and out Robin paid rapt attention. Olivia, too, funny enough. I think she was just bored.

I'd been having thoughts about the army, too. Or the officers, anyway. Nothing was really set in stone yet; we'd barely been an organization for more than a few months. Virion, I was going to put in charge of First Platoon. I know, I know, not the smartest move to put an archer in charge of an infantry platoon, but I do recall him being relatively useful if you reclassed him to a Dark Knight, which was a sword-user. Plus, he had the experience to lead the men; just because Chrom was in the front rank every fucking time didn't mean the rest of us had to be. Virion could very successfully lead from behind the front rank, even if he stayed an archer; I had a few archers in first platoon. Meaning I could leave Ricken as major, and stick him in charge of the combat support units in second platoon; the majority of the archers and mages (once I finally got around to talking to the Ylissean Mage College and adding mages, anyway), and the lighter infantry. Which meant that I could be free to oversee the rest of the regiments I was planning to found. Which _then_ meant I could make Robin my adjutant (she'd probably do a better job than Ricken anyway), Lucina as my assistant/bodyguard/battering-ram, and make third platoon straight up my support group. Healers, siege experts like engineers and sappers, cooks, blacksmiths, a regimental band, all that kind of stuff. And who better to lead this platoon than the lovely utility player who had spent the entire return journey to Ylisstol picking herbs by the side of the road between listening to me prattle on about the army's structure?

"Say, Olivia," I called as we neared Ylisstol.

"Yes?"

"Do you have… any plans for the future?"

Olivia stopped dead, eyes going wide as she got that deer-in-the-headlights expression on her face.

"Oh, calm down," I sighed. "I'm asking because I have an idea."

"Is this like that twerking thing?" she asked slowly.

"What's twerking?" Robin asked curiously from my side. Seriously, the woman was like a sponge for any and all knowledge.

"A horrible abomination we shall never speak of again," I deadpanned, glaring pointedly at Olivia. "And no. I have a job offer for you. Captain."

"C-captain?" Olivia repeated. "You want me… to be a pirate?"

"Yes, Olivia, I want you to be a pirate," I said, totally straight-faced.

"R-really?" she asked, confusion growing on her face.

"No you fu- urgh… dunce. It's a rank. An army rank. I want you to be in charge of the support platoon in the First. You'd be in charge of Third Platoon. The cooks, the healers, the people that support us."

The cooks, the sigs and the medics. In essence, she'd be the single most important, and depending how you looked at it also the most powerful, person in the army.

"What!? M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me!? Wh-wh-wh-wh-" she started to blabber.

"Stop. Please. Take a breath. In. And out. Okay. Again. In. And out. You good now?"

Olivia nodded, Robin shooting me a curious glance.

"Look, if you've got better shit going on, then please, by all means turn me down," I said. "But don't think I didn't notice the way you took care of all of us, helping the healers and around the camp, following me out onto the damn battlefield despite wearing less cotton than one end of an ear cleaner. I want that. I want that commitment. I want that drive to help others."

Olivia blushed up to her ears, her face so red I was worried she was going to have a nosebleed or burst a blood vessel. It was cute, but not in a 'stick my dick in it' way. I actually found myself becoming rather attached to Olivia, and not just because it was fun to watch her walk or run or… do anything, really.

"What rank would I get?" Robin asked curiously while Olivia was internally debating.

"Depends on what she says," I shrugged. "I could make you both Captains, though. I'm the General, I can do that."

"Sounds like an abuse of power to me," Robin said with a grin.

"What is power if not to be abused for the greater good?" I asked philosophically. "I eat the same rations as the other soldiers, do the same training, and use the same equipment. If I want to make people who deserve it my officers, than that I shall do."

"Never mind the fact that now two of them are beautiful women," Robin added slyly.

"Got a high opinion of yourself, don't you," I drawled, turning back to Olivia. "So? What's the verdict? Yay or nay?"

"I… don't know," she mumbled, looking away.

I followed her gaze to Lon'qu and Lissa, a faint ghost of a smile on the swordsman's face as Lissa laughed cheerily, holding on to his arm as she-

Oh.

Oh fuck.

… oh for fuck's sake… not again…

Thinking back, Olivia and Lon'qu had been getting kinda cozy towards the end of the Plegian war. Now Lissa muscles in and steals her man away because she's too timid to make a move? Ooh, this had the stank of love-sick all over it, and after how emotionally draining it was putting up with Cordelia's version of this crazy…

"You don't have to give me your answer right away," I sighed. "Sooner would be better than later though-"

"I! I… I'll do it," she said eventually, turning back to me with a determined set to her features. "I'll be your Captain."

"Good," I said with a smile. "Glad to have you aboard, Captain Olivia. Although I don't know where we're going to put your rank badges on your… uh… clothes?"

Olivia looked down at her skimpy outfit, blushing heavily again as if she never really noticed just how much skin she showed off.

"Y-you… you have u-uniforms… right?" she mumbled.

"Smooth," Robin whispered to me, a shit-eating grin on her face.

Yup. She and Lucina getting together was going to be the death of me.

* * *

I had been excited to get back to Ylisstol for three main reasons. Aside from, of course, the fact I didn't really trust Virion as far as I could throw him yet. And I'd been working out and he was still a skinny bitch, so I'm sure I could have thrown him pretty damn far.

Reason number one: Miriel was scheduled to finish the glasses I'd asked her to make a few weeks ago. Honestly? I could care less about the glasses. I wanted to get my hands on more 'shrooms. Getting Lucina, Robin, Virion, Ricken, Olivia, Miriel, Vaike (because he was still pussyfooting around Miriel and I wanted Laurent to be born) and maybe even Nowi all together in a room, tripping balls on 'shrooms sounded like the greatest fucking thing ever. Or it could be the biggest fucking mistake ever. Time would tell.

Reason number two: I'd stopped writing my little 'Adventures of Lyn and Eliwood and Hector' novel because it was hard to see. And now Sumia and Cordelia were hounding me for more. To be fair, I had just started Eliwood's story arc when I'd thrown in the towel… I don't know if anyone else wears glasses, but if you've ever tried writing by candlelight without them when you can already hardly see without them? You're going to get fucking sore eyes and an even worse headache. Plus, I was starting to get the itch. I wanted to write again.

And reason the third was that I wanted to hear from the scouts I had combing the southern islands off of Plegia. I was trying to speed up things and boost morale for Ylisstol. There was talk among the church-folk about Emmeryn being canonized and sainted. How would their morale react if I brought back a living saint? I _would_ find her before the fucking endgame. But that would have to wait. I could be patient when it was necessary. I just… didn't like doing it.

So, the afternoon we returned and after I'd dumped Olivia and Robin in a spare room at the Barracks and told them to make nice as roommates, I found myself jogging back to Ylisstol's castle. Best bet for finding Miriel would no doubt be in the library. I got the feeling sometimes, or really at all times, that she'd live there if she could. Hell, some days it felt like she did.

Of course, it came to no surprise that I found her leaned over one of the tables, using a thick book as a pillow with her glasses askew as she napped, a thin trail of drool running from her mouth as her back gently rose and fell in time with the cute little snores she was making.

If this were an H-game I'd probably be given a couple of choices to raise flags here…

[ ] Wake her up with a wet willy. No one likes wet willies.

[ ] Wake her up gently, brushing the hair out of her face and being all tender and shit.

[ ] Use this opportunity to get your fuck on while she's still asleep. If the Rance games have taught us anything, it's that it can only end well…

Heh. Yeah right. I think I'd been away from home too long. I settled for giving her chair a light kick and stepping back a few paces. "Yo, Miriel. Wakey-wakey hands off snakey. You got the goods or what?"

The mage snorted, shooting up. Her bleary eyes blinked a few times behind her askew glasses as she took in the room, her half-asleep gaze falling on me as she wiped a little drool from the corner of her mouth on her robe's sleeve.

"Ah. Ben. Apologies, sometimes I feel the need to take a few moments rest."

I shrugged. "I'd be more judgmental if I hadn't passed out in my textbooks back home myself."

The exam periods were always a bitch. Studying was exhausting.

Miriel gave me a conspiratorial smirk, relaxing a little. I was worried that my failed attempts at academia were raising flags, to be honest, but once I had my glasses I was leaving her to Vaike. I did not want to father Laurent, and I'm pretty sure… he would actually be indifferent to me being his father. I don't think he really cared much for anything but science and experimenting.

"Right, glasses," I said, clapping my hands excitedly.

"Ah, yes," Miriel said, reaching into her robe and pulling out a small package.

I unwrapped them, giving a small smile as I pulled out a pair of reading glasses with a bare metal frame. I could paint it if it really bugged me. I tried them on, giving an even bigger grin as the world shot into focus almost immediately, a relieved sigh escaping my lips as I looked around.

"Ah, I can see again! Everything's so clear and vivid and… and you're a woman. Huh. Wow."

"Amusing," Miriel deadpanned.

"Aw, you're no fun," I moaned playfully. "Seriously, though. Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Monetary compensation is not necessary," she said. "If, however, you do feel indebted to me you may assist with further experimentation."

"Sounds kinky," I chuckled. "Just call when you need me. Seriously. This is a big deal to me. Thanks."

Miriel cleared her throat, looking away slightly. With my new glasses I could clearly see the slight blush rising to her cheeks as she brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Dammit, I was trying not to raise flags!

"I-it is nothing worth thanking… I mean, your thanks are accepted."

"Alrighty, I got work to do," I said. "Call me when you need me; I can't drop everything immediately, but we can work out some time for me to help."

"That is acceptable," Miriel nodded.

"Good. Now excuse me while I go and ogle the other cute women around the palace now that I can see."

"Other?" Miriel repeated, her blush spreading as I left.

Dammit! Bad! Bad Ben! Stop! Raising! Flags!

"Oh, and get me more of those mushrooms if you can!" I called over my shoulder with a wicked grin. "I wanna see the… medicinal applications on other people."

…

I wonder if the Fire Emblem world had weed?

Something worth looking into later. I'd add it to the list.

* * *

I returned to the Army Barracks with a skip in my step, having finally seen Ylisstol properly for the first time. My vision, while not terrible, did tend to leave out a lot of detail. I was a decent fighter, so I like to think, without the glasses, but reading and shit still gave me a headache.

Unfortunately, the sound of feminine laughter from the living area that all our rooms were off of took the skip right out of my step.

Honestly, I'd been hoping for a little more time before Lucina got her claws into Robin, but…

"Seriously? And he just fell down?"

"Like a tree. Right on top of me. And he absolutely reeked of ale."

Lucina and Robin both burst into laughter again as I stepped into the room, neither doing anything to stifle their mirth as they saw my frowning countenance.

"Ooh, fancy headgear," Robin chuckled, pointing at my glasses.

"I see you've met Marth. My assistant."

"I have, and let me tell you I will put up with far less than she has," Robin warned, a joking hint of laughter taking the edge off her words.

"That's why I keep her around as my kicking puppy," I deadpanned. "How'd things go while we were gone?"

"Adequately," Lucina nodded. "Ricken has a full report for you, and will deliver it in the morning. I've spoken to both Lady Olivia and Lady Robin about your proposed changes to the officer structure. They are sound decisions."

"You say that like you're surprised," I scoffed. "And like you have a say in what I do. Assistant."

Lucina scoffed right back, crossing her arms and sinking to a hip. "Was it not you that told me to 'keep an eye on things'?"

"You need to have a little more faith in me, Princess," I sighed.

"You have performed adequately thus far, not shown me any reason to place 'faith' in you."

"Woman I am a tactical god and you will worship me as such."

Lucina opened her mouth to respond, but closed it with a wolfish grin. And then I realized that Olivia and Robin were currently behind her and hadn't seen her reaction. I went pale as Lucina's grin was replaced by a stricken expression. She turned away, feigning hurt.

"Of course, sir," she said with a little waver in her tone. "Please, just be gentler this time."

This, admittedly, brought me up short. The evil looks I got from the other two kicked my brain into over-drive as I began to comprehend what, exactly, she was doing. My jaw dropped, leaving me gaping like a fish. I hadn't expected this from Lucina, especially after the way she'd been behaving lately. Clearly I'd have to up my game. If I survived the next few minutes, anyway.

"Woman you will fix this giant misunderstanding before I get dragged to a sexual harassment court!" I half-shouted out of desperation.

Lucina did an adequate job of faking a flinch, Olivia clearly sold. Robin grinned, clearly more observant and a little harder to fool than the other as Olivia stomped forward.

"You pig!" Olivia growled, _actually fucking growled_ , just before she slapped me across the face.

Of course, Lucina couldn't keep a straight face, and she and Robin burst into laughter at the no-doubt horrified look on my face.

Olivia had hit me. Olivia. The most timid, fragile, shy woman among the Shepherds. Had hit me.

"I'd say that's just about enough," Robin laughed.

Olivia went pale as she looked back and forth between the two laughing women and the nice red hand-mark on my face, her eyes wide as saucers as she realized she'd been played.

"Relax, I've been hit harder," I sighed. "And you, Marth, are a bane on my existence."

"The feeling is mutual," she said, holding her stomach and wiping a tear from her visible eye. "I apologize, Lady Olivia. I did not expect you to actually hit him."

Olivia mumbled something unintelligible before blushing up to her ears and darting back into the room she would be sharing with Robin, practically leaving a trail of flames in her wake she moved so fast.

"You were right, General," Robin continued to chuckle. "I do like her."

"Brilliant," I groaned. "Absolutely fucking brilliant. There's two of them now."

"Perhaps you will behave now?" Lucina prompted.

"Not on your fucking life," I snapped. "This means war."

"Then it shall be war," Lucina said seriously. "Are you sure you want to do this, though?"

"Oh I've never been surer about anything in my fucking life. I will make you suffer."

"Bring it on. I have been enduring far worse than even you can muster since I was a girl."

"Honey, you ain't seen nothing yet. I will rain fucking fire down from the heavens on your sorry ass."

It took a moment to realize that while we had been talking we'd been stomping closer to one another, and were now nose to nose. It also took Robin clearing her throat, an impish grin on her face as she watched the two of us blush.

"So, should I leave you two alone? I don't want to get in the way when you… give in to your desires."

Lucina let out a high squeak as she realized we were less than an inch apart, and for the second time that day I found myself slapped in the face.

Only this time it fucking _hurt_.

Amazingly enough, though, the glasses didn't fly off my face.

Bonus points for Miriel being able to predict this outcome and plan accordingly.

* * *

A few days later I sagged in my seat outside one of Ylisstol's fancy little cafes, giving a sigh like my soul was leaving my body. I'm sure if you looked hard enough you'd see a little cartoon cloud coming out of my mouth with my sigh, complete with an SD version of my face as my soul drifted to heaven. Yeah, I know it's a tired anime convention, but dammit that's what it felt like.

"Those two women will be the death of me."

The changes I'd proposed to the structure of the army had gone over well. Ricken seemed a little non-pulsed I was taking him away from his role as my adjutant, but I'd bull-shitted him with lines about him being one of the only trustworthy people I knew and how I needed that to lead the second platoon, and he'd bought it hook, line and sinker. Sometimes I felt bad for the kid being so gullible, but it made him easier to coral. Virion had been ecstatic about what he saw as a huge promotion, even after I told him, in no uncertain terms, he was still on a short leash. At least he was taking his job seriously, spending almost all his waking hours with his men and constantly polishing the rank badges on his chest. Olivia… was coping. Barely. She knew her shit, she just had to get used to telling others how to do it.

And of course, Lucina and Robin had become the tag-team from hell. They hounded me. They tortured me. I hadn't had a moment's peace since we arrived back in Ylisstol thanks to-

"I believe this may be some form of divine punishment for surrounding yourself with naught but beautiful women."

I glanced up at my lunch date, Cordelia grinning over the rim of her tea cup at my suffering.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a horrible man-whore and I deserve to be punished," I sighed.

We were meeting for lunch at my invitation, the newly minted Wing Commander of Ylisstol's Pegasus Knights eagerly having accepted. She'd been just as busy as me for the last few weeks, rebuilding the Pegasus Knight Order from basically scratch. She was leading almost daily expeditions to the mountains in the west where the pegasai roosted for her recruits to try and bond with them and claim a mount, among also running training regimes and instructing recruits who already had their mounts on how to make their own weapons, but she'd still made time for me to bitch and moan. Honestly, anyone else would have buckled under the pressure. Even I'd had to enlist Ricken and now Robin and Olivia as well to help me manage, and here Cordelia was going it solo. I was already beginning to come up with some excuse to offload Robin on her for a few days at the least, help her at least get her paperwork under control or something. Definitely not just to get her out of my proverbial hair.

Cordelia set down her cup with a small giggle, grinning at my plain speech. "I do not recall you being that bad. Have things changed since we've drifted apart?"

"I have two annoying, bitchy shadows now if that's what you meant," I mumbled. "Aside from that I've been too busy for anything even remotely resembling fun. Argh… fuck it, I'm gonna sick Tharja on them when she gets back."

Cordelia let out a musical little giggle, prompting me to chuckle along with her. I'd missed this, just having someone to talk to that wasn't after my dick. I missed Cordelia. And despite my drunken douche-baggery at the victory party she had been more than willing to continue spending time with me.

God damn she was too good for me.

"So how is Tharja?" Cordelia asked conversationally.

I gave a noncommittal sound, shrugging. "Clingy. Annoying. Abrasive. You know, the usual."

"And clearly you miss her now that she's gone," Cordelia pointed out with a grin.

"Yes, and it's honestly nice to have the chance to miss her. I wasn't getting that much space before she left."

"You are bored," Cordelia snickered. "It's adorable."

"It is not, and I am not," I pouted. "If anything I'm blue-balled. What about you, find any hunky man-flesh to fill your down-time?"

"Yes, and I am sitting right across from him," Cordelia laughed, rolling her eyes in an exaggerated fashion so I knew she was joking.

"You have shite taste," I chuckled, leaning back again.

We were in one of the nicer cafes on Ylisstol's main drag, the main street behind us bustling with activity as it always was at this time of day. Both Cordelia and I had a penchant for people watching, and we lapsed into silence as we watched the crowd passing by. The weather was beautiful, as it so often was in fall at this time of year, apparently. Sitting in the sun it was still quite pleasant out, the new jacket I'd bought to replace the one that Nowi had claimed sitting unused on the back of my chair. The food here was decent, too, and I often found myself returning to this establishment when I had the opportunity. The sandwiches were good, but then it was kind of hard to fuck up a sandwich, and the tea was decent. I'd kill for a cup of coffee but the tea here was actually really strong, so it was as close as I was liable to get until I found some of the fucking beans.

Someone, somewhere, had to be growing the damn things. They were already somewhere on the list between rice and weed, and the list grew daily.

"Do you… ever wonder what things would be like if you had done something differently?" Cordelia asked suddenly.

I glanced back at her, watching as she ran one perfect finger along the edge of her teacup, staring into the distance with an unfocussed look in her eyes.

"I honestly try not to," I admitted, looking back to the foot traffic on the street. "That way madness lies. Why spend all day thinking about what you can't change when you should be focusing on what you can, ya know?"

"That is an admirable view-point, but still I cannot help myself. I find myself dwelling, thinking what it would be like…"

" _To be with him."_ No doubt that's how the sentence ended. Ah, lovesickness. It hurt worse than a broken bone, took longer to heal than getting stabbed. It took me years to get over my first girlfriend, and from everything I could see about Cordelia's situation she'd secretly loved Chrom as long as I'd loved that woman. It was just something that needed to go away in its own time.

"You know what'll fix that? Liquor," I chuckled.

"That is your answer to everything," Cordelia sighed, before giving a weak laugh. "Do tell, though, why was it that you had the midwives wash their hands in alcohol?"

"When it's pure enough it acts as a disinfectant," I explained. "Kills bacteria, kills germs. If you ever have a stomach ache just take a shot of vodka or something equally as potent. You'll usually feel better pretty damn fast."

"That might just be the alcohol," Cordelia laughed.

"Hey, the end justifies the means, right?" I shrugged.

"You are still a very strange man," Cordelia managed, right before she burst into laughter.

* * *

About an hour after my lunch with Cordelia I had finished my paperwork early for a change and was stretching my legs before the afternoon training session. Because quite honestly, Ricken had apparently gotten the wooden horses working again and after the session I doubted I'd be able to move my legs, let alone stretch them.

I wondered what, exactly, I'd be doing for the next hour or so as I strutted through the common area. Lucina was out training with the second platoon, and I wouldn't be able to give her shit about not being able to keep up with the first platoon until dinner time. Robin was with Ricken as he explained to her the nitty-gritty about keeping that pummeling horse-shaped rack of pain in working order, something I had honestly considered boycotting. Virion was with the boys in the first talking tactics; it was all well and good for them to follow orders, but I needed the soldiers to be able to actually think for themselves, too, if they found themselves cut off from command. Olivia was god only knew where, playing quartermaster. Now there was a role I was happy to offload.

Things were going surprisingly well lately. I was sure that something would come along soon enough and fuck it all up, but why worry about tomorrow when I didn't have to?

"Wellp, guess I'll just go rub one out…" I muttered to myself, changing direction and angling for my room.

It was a life motto. When in doubt, rub one out.

Not like I had anything better to do with my time. I sure as fuck wasn't about to ask Frederick to get some tea, and Vaike and the other Shepherds were, I found, only bearable in small doses. Plus Lon'qu and Lissa were making kissy faces at each other, and…Yeah. It was better to just abuse myself and then do nothing until training.

I practically pranced into my room, kicking the door closed with the back of my foot as I did a little spin. I was in a good mood, so what?

Adding to the little dance I was doing I gave two quick kicks, my already loose boots flying off and landing in a heap by the wall.

With an expert flick of my fingers my pants were open and falling around my ankles, followed very closely by my trunks.

I finally slowed, stretching out my arm and then my neck. Didn't want to pull something.

Heh. Bad pun, check. All systems were go.

And then turned to my bed.

My very much _already occupied_ bed.

Now usually I'm pretty quick on the uptake with this kind of thing. Someone sneaking into my bed, unfortunately, wasn't something I was unaccustomed to. But Tharja was still off on a mission. Maribelle had finally taken the damned hint. While Elle had been a little… clingy lately I couldn't see her pulling a stunt like this… I… I couldn't… who the hell else was there!? Were Panne or Raimi waiting for round two? No way, I wasn't that good. Cordelia? Pfft, not even in my dreams, she was waaaaaaaaaay too good for me.

…

Well, only one thing for it.

With great trepidation I pulled back the covers, the afternoon sunlight streaming in through the open window merrily to illuminate…

"Nowi? What the fuck?"

There, curled up in the sun around one of my pillows and beneath my sheet, was Nowi.

Fortunately the little manakete was still fully-clothed, but this was still odd. Speaking of, she'd been acting a little off lately, too. So… I guess the question of the day was 'what the fuck was she doing in my bed'?

Her modest chest rose and fell in time with the cute little snores she was giving, the dust particles from the crappy medieval fabric dancing about her pale skin in the sunlight and turning the scene almost ethereal, as if she had a glowing golden aura about her. Her long hair was messy, but unknotted, and I almost lost to the temptation to run my hands through it.

I frowned, my right hand tensing into a fist as I felt my balls turning blue. I glared upwards at the heavens.

"Stop. Fucking. Tempting. Me," I hissed at whatever gods this world held, pouring every ounce of my vitriol into my words.

This was the second time I'd been presented with this particular bad-anime-trope. It was kinda cute the first time, with Miriel. This time, when I had basically been ready to go? Not so great.

I heaved a sigh, turning and going for the pants I'd left lying in the middle of the floor when I was greeted by yet another bad anime trope. A clattering of plates and dishes sounded from the door that I knew for a fucking fact I'd closed behind me, Elle standing there with shock clearly writ on her face. And why not? Here was her grown-ass master, already approaching middle-age by local standards, standing over a manakete that looked twelve at best.

"Okay, Elle, I know what you're thinking," I said calmly. "But there's a rational explanation for this."

"O-of course, Master," she said slowly.

"I was just about to jerk off-"

"Master!" Elle chirped indignantly, blushing to the ears. "Why? Wh-when you have Lady Tharja? You've never even once… I mean, I was told when I entered your employ… that is the older ladies… I've always been by your side and… and yet you've never… with me…"

"Stop. Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop for the love of fuck stop," I groaned. "I was not assaulting Nowi. My intentions were pure. I was gonna jerk it in my room _alone_. I don't know why she's here."

"I-I-I see," Elle mumbled, looking down.

"Elle," I repeated for good measure. "I was not about to assault Nowi."

"I understand sir."

"Then say it with me. I was not about to assault Nowi."

"Yo-you were not about to assault Lady Nowi."

"There you go," I sighed. "Now that you're here and my boner is well and truly gone why don't you brew some-"

"Ben? Ben where are you? Training will begin soon and Sir Virion sent me to find you!"

I froze, my mouth going slack and my eyes widening to the point I thought my eyeballs were in danger of popping right out.

This was the worst possible outcome.

This was the worst possible scenario.

This… this… was…

Lucina.

Lucina was coming.

…

I was about to die.

Unless…

"Stall her!" I hissed at Elle before I slammed the door in her face.

I did a diving roll for my pants, coming up with a panicked look on my face as I desperately got one leg in the right hole.

"Elle? Where is that slacker, Virion wants to start a little earlier."

"I-I-I-I d-d-d-don't… I'm… not- ah, that is to say…"

"You walked in on him doing something deplorable again, didn't you?"

 _Oh god fucking dammit, ONE TIME!_

With that thought in my head distracting me I missed the other hole on my pants and face-planted, giving a loud and annoyed grunt as I twisted to avoid breaking my nose. Fortunately I'd left my glasses in my office, but in this position…

"Ben what did I tell you I would do to you- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

My arse was on display for whoever was unlucky enough to open the door.

"Trying to explain this is just going to make things worse," I said, my voice muffled by the floor as I flailed about, trying desperately to get my pants on.

"Stop jumping around like an idiot!" Lucina shrieked, her Marth persona well and truly forgotten as she desperately tried to hide her face with her hands. "Stop I said! What if something- EEK!"

Whoop. My balls had gotten away from me for a second there.

A second, equally terrifying feminine laugh rang out as I finally managed to get my hairy ass into my jeans. I rolled over onto my back, doing up the buttons as I went, to find Robin practically pissing her pants with laughter, holding her stomach and doubled over. Of course I couldn't dwell on this because _holy fuck Lucina was coming at me with a sword and I was about to die!_

With an enraged yowl she brought the iron blade down where I'd been before I'd rolled over, fate and luck alone having saved my life.

"Are you trying to kill me!?" I shouted, darting to my feet.

"Just beat some sense into you!" Lucina snarled, blushing furiously. "It's still sheathed, and I'll stop after breaking a few bones! Accept your punishment!"

"Fuck you this is a misunderstanding!" I cried, giving a leaping roll to get behind the hysterical woman.

Lucina brought her sword around, missing me by a hair as I darted from the room, interposing Robin and Elle between myself and-

And both of the other women stepped aside, allowing Lucina another clear shot at me.

"Some human shields you are!" I snapped, backpedaling away from Lucina until my back hit the wall.

Lucina, practically hyperventilating now in rage as she stomped towards me, grinned a malicious 'I'ma hurt you' smile as she advanced. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I straightened, set my face in a scowl, and stepped towards her.

My mind was made up. There was only one way out of this.

"So you're willing to accept punishment now?" she asked breathlessly.

God, it looked like she was enjoying this…

"Come find out," I said dangerously, my back foot sliding backwards as I sank into a familiar stance.

Lucina's grin reached manic proportions as she shouted and charged. I darted in low, feinting for her legs. As she pulled back I popped up, face to face with the Princess.

Panne's rule number twenty-tree: Taguels use every weapon available to them in a fight.

This was gonna either end with me escaping or dead. There would be no middle ground here.

With a small grin of my own at the surprised look on Lucina's face I closed the last of the distance, pressing my lips to hers.

And she did exactly what I thought she would and froze, eyes going wide as her blush actually intensified.

I slipped around her, diving for the hallway.

"I'm out!" I cried after me, pounding down the hallway to freedom as fast as I could without looking back.

Of course, over my shoulder I heard Nowi asking "What's all the noise?"

We could address all these issues _after_ we were all exhausted from training.

Preferably after Lucina had some time to cool off.

Looked like I was sleeping in the Palace for a while…

* * *

That evening I dragged my sorry carcass back into my quarters, freshly bathed after the night-exercises I'd been running with Virion and the First Platoon. Some of the men looked a little surprised to see me there with them now that they had a dedicated commanding officer, but Virion had adapted instantly and allowed me to take command. He'd slipped into the role of my second so perfectly it was almost suspicious, and I was beginning to wonder what he was up to.

But my paranoia would have to wait until I was fully conscious again. It had been a long day, and I was looking forward to finding somewhere to pass out, preferably soon. It had been a while since I'd had such a good workout, and I was sore.

Fuck going to the Palace. I'd take the chance with Lucina.

In fact I was so tired and sore that I totally missed the light from the lantern Robin had lit, coming up short as I entered the living area between all our rooms. The tactician (the REAL tactician, I should say) was sitting hunched over the low table I'd co-opted as our coffee table in the middle of the chairs, her eyes darting back and forth as she read at a speed that could only be matched by me now that I had my glasses and maybe Miriel. She was wearing some sort of nightgown, her coat thrown on over top. Clearly someone couldn't sleep.

"What, counting sheep didn't work?" I asked with a tired grin.

Robin jolted, looking up with a surprised expression before relaxing. With a slight sigh she leaned back, brushing the hair out of her face.

"Something like that," she said. "You did a lot of work for this army. Tactics, rosters, positions for individual squads, hell even the squad compositions themselves. I'm impressed. Are you sure you even need me?"

I let out a weak groan, sinking into a chair opposite hers before speaking.

"Take a good look at me," I chuckled. "I'm a wreck. All the paperwork, the training, the responsibility… I couldn't keep that pace up much longer."

Robin nodded, a small smile quirking at the corner of her lips. "Still. I think I misjudged you."

"I play a convincing fool, huh?" I grinned. "It's camouflage. The nobility here hate me. And as long as they think I'm an idiot they won't act. If they start to see me as a genuine threat to their power…"

"They'll take action," Robin finished with a nod. "I see. You really are a lot smarter than you let on."

"Hey, that's my line," I huffed.

"My apologies, General, please forgive me," Robin laughed.

We sat in silence for a few moments, me drifting in and out of consciousness as Robin continued turning pages at a much slower rate. It looked like me being here was distracting her, but just as I made up my mind to try and drag my ass to bed she spoke up, halting me.

"So how do you know me?" she asked softly.

"Beg pardon?"

She glanced up, her piercing pale grey gaze boring into my own.

"You knew who I was, what I was," Robin explained, her voice still low. "I'm curious, and more than a little concerned, at how you had such information. From everything I've heard you've only held power here for the last year, and only really started using it for the last month."

"That is a very good question," I said with a tired smirk. "Robin, make no mistake, a lot of people know who you are. I want to keep this quiet, okay? But… the Hierophant of the Grimleal that took the throne in Gangrel's wake? You know him, yeah?"

"I know of him," Robin said slowly. "Validar, right? He's… been part of the Grimleal for the better part of fifty years, all his life. Reports state he stepped in to stop a power vacuum, but now they can't find anyone else to take the position, so he's stuck as King. He even appointed a new Hierophant, if I recall."

I looked into Robin's captivating gaze, her eyes holding me enraptured for a moment as I considered what to do next. God damn she was an attractive woman. Not in the same way that Cordelia or Tharja were; she had an aura, an intensity to her gaze that I'd never seen on anyone else. I mean, sure it didn't hurt that she was ridiculously hot, too, but it was those damn eyes, like two perfect granite orbs staring right into my soul. If I mishandled this at worst she'd leave. I couldn't have that. She'd know if I lied, too. It was like she saw right through everything everyone said to her.

I took a breath, our locked gaze never breaking. I didn't need to tell her the whole truth about Grima possessing her, but I did need to tell her something.

"He's also your father," I said slowly.

To her credit she didn't express shock other than a quick inhalation of breath, her eyes widening slightly as she rocked back with the news.

"What the reports don't say," I continued, "Is that it was part of his plan to pit Ylisse and Plegia against each other to be rid of Gangrel. He manipulated the previous king into starting a war so he could oust him from power and claim it himself."

"M-my… father? Did that?" Robin asked, her voice a whisper.

"I don't have solid proof," I admitted. "More like a gut feeling from watching the patterns and such. Plus, having his right hand as advisor to the late king was a pretty big tell."

Robin smirked, running a hand down her face. "Yes, that does seem somewhat obvious. This is… a lot to take in."

"Robin, from all accounts you were in Ylisse because you were trying to escape from your father," I said seriously. "I'm guessing you lost your memories because either he or some of his agents caught up with you. I also don't want you thinking that his… madness is hereditary, or any other shit like that. Understand? From what I've already seen you're better than him."

Robin gave a little smile, clapping the book she'd been reading closed.

"Thank you, General, but… I'd like to think on this."

"If you decide to leave, I ask you at least tell me first," I called after her.

Robin stopped, glancing back at me over her shoulder.

"What… what's his endgame?" she asked hesitantly.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," I sighed.

"Ben. Please."

I gave a tired sigh before speaking, running a hand over the stubble on my head.

"Planetary annihilation. The End of Days. Armageddon. The bastard wants to revive the Fell Dragon Grima. And you're going to help me stop him. Or, ya know, die trying."

What? It's always a possibility.

* * *

 **AN: I can't believe it's been a year since I finished the original** _ **Self Insert Adventure**_ **. Wow time flies when you work full time…**

 **The Invisible Ties Audio Drama is live! Check us out by searching for our YouTube channel** _ **Neckties You Can't See**_ **!**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter the fourth, or "according to our illustrious Queen-consort I must revise my vocabulary"**

* * *

So anyone that's been following my exploits will have noticed by now that I have a… er… 'colorful' vocabulary.

Okay, I swear a lot. Like, a lotta-lot.

I can't help it. Before ending up in Ylisse I lived in low socio-economic areas of Australia. Think rednecks, but we call them 'bogans'. I don't actually know why. But yes. My life was basically a script from the show Housos, and that's what I was associating with since my youth. Also, Australians swear a lot more than the Hemsworth brothers and Margot Robbie would have you all believe.

Anyway, I digress.

I swear a lot. This has often landed me in hot water. In fact I had various friends get told by their wives 'he's not allowed around our kids any more'.

So it came as little surprise to me that I eventually attracted the wrath of the highest authority in Ylisse, even higher than Chrom.

His wife.

I sat in Chrom's study, flanked at the shoulder by both Robin and Lucina. Except they both had a hand on my shoulders, holding me firmly in place. Lucina even had her other hand resting not-so-subtly on the pommel of her sword as I looked strickenly at the woman sitting across from me in Chrom's chair. The Exalt stood behind his wife, looking awkward like he wanted to be literally anywhere else.

"What the fuck do you mean I swear too much!? Are you serious right now!? You're the goddamn Queen! How the fuck do you not have any better shit to worry about!?"

Sumia simply steepled her fingers, quirking one perfect brow at me as I dug myself deeper and deeper into this hole.

What? I was angry.

"Ben, you are a General of Ylisse now," she explained calmly. "You are a retainer to the Exalt himself. You are an important man and need to set a good example."

"Fuck you and everyone that looks like you! I'm creating a fucking army from the ground up!" I shouted, rising to my feet. "You may not have anything better to do, but I-"

I was cut off when both of the women at my side forced me back into my chair, earning a nod from Sumia.

"Thank you, ladies," she said with a queenly smile.

"Now, Ben," she continued. "I know you're an intelligent man. I know you can be very eloquent when you want to be; I can see it in your writing. All I'm asking is for you to go one month without swearing. One single month to prove to me you can break the habit."

"And if I fail? Or revert back to the potty-mouth?" I asked, glaring daggers at the Queen.

"If you revert back then I shall accept defeat," Sumia sighed. "After all, I do, in fact, have better things to do, like you so eloquently said. However, if you do fail I shall be cutting your army's funding."

"You can't fucking do that!" I cried, leaping to my feet again.

Only to have Lucina and Robin both jam me back into my chair.

"I can't, no," Sumia explained. "But him? My husband agrees with me on this, don't you Chrom?"

"Er… yes, dear," Chrom mumbled, giving me an apologetic look.

"Traitor! Fuck you, man, what happened to bros before hoes!?" I snarled. "You're really going to let her shoot your military in the foot like this!? And you, Sumia! Stop talking like a fucking monarch! It's starting to irritate the shit out of me!"

"Ben, watch your language," Sumia said mildly. "And what of little Lucina? What would you do if she picked up your foul mouth? You're her godfather, you should be setting an example for her."

I heard Lucina snicker a little, glancing up to see her grinning and looking away from me.

Never mind the fact that she had, in fact, already begun to pick up my foul language.

"I will be having Robin and Marth watch you to ensure that you behave," Sumia went on. "They will report back to me immediately if you do cuss."

"I'm not an idiot, Sumia," I sighed frustratedly. "I can turn it off when I have to."

"So prove it," she insisted. "Go one month without cursing and I will bother you no more."

"Not good enough," I growled. "I go one month without cursing, I want a damned reward."

"Very well, I'll give you another maid," Chrom sighed.

"Fuck you I want cash!" I snapped. "And a bigger barracks! And Bertha!"

"Bertha?" Sumia parroted.

"Yeah, head kitchen maid, big red-haired lady. I want her."

"Far be it from us to question your preferences…" Robin snickered.

"I want her because she's good at her job, you fucking twat," I said with a glare.

"Seeing as I don't expect you to last the week, let alone a month, I'll accept these terms," Sumia sighed.

"Fuck yes you will," I growled. "Now let's set the terms. What do you consider a curse word?"

"About sixty percent of all your utterances?" Robin muttered from my side.

"Not helpful," I growled.

"You know what your curse words are," Sumia said plainly. "I will not repeat them."

"Okay, so let's say we do George Carlin's seven," I sighed.

"Who? What?" Chrom asked.

"He was an entertainer back in my homeland," I ground out. "Coined a bit about seven words you couldn't say on… er… stage. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Later he added fart, turd and twat. For good measure, and because I want to squeeze a lot of money out of you for this gargantuan pain in my ass, let's add ass, hell, damn, bastard and bitch to the list. Because when I win this little bull-shittery right here, I'm going to rub your fucking face in it."

Sumia blushed, blinking and in awe of my tirade.

"Did you get all that, Marth?" Robin asked with a snicker. "Quite the list. Should we write it down?"

"We hear them often enough I think we'll be fine," Lucina deadpanned.

"Alright, it's settled," I sighed, slumping in my chair. "Challenge starts once I exit the room. This month is going to fucking suck."

"I'm sure you'll survive," Sumia deadpanned.

I perked up, a wicked grin forming on my face. "Okay, but I'm going to need one last hurrah to get this out of my system. I can have that much at least, right?"

"What do you mean…" Sumia started to say, growing silent as I stood.

South Park the movie had been the fucking bane of my existence during high school thanks to that mother fucking 'Blame Canada' song. Now it was going to do me a little good. In a very evil sort of way.

"Marth, cover your ears," I said, my grin widening as my eyes took on the light of madness. "Damn shit respect my fucking authoritah! Dog shit taco! Fuck! Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-shit-hell-damn-fart! Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle! Fuck shit cock ass titties boner bitch muff pussy cunt butthole _Barbara Streisand!_ "

The room grew silent, the only sounds my ragged breathing as my shoulders heaved and I grinned at the floor. Shit. That had almost been as good as sex. Sumia and Lucina both wore utterly astonished, offended faces. Robin looked like she was about to burst into laughter at any second, chewing on her quivering lip and pinching her arm. Chrom…

The silence was broken as Chrom slowly started to applaud.

* * *

"You know," Chrom said half an hour later, "I don't see why she had to kick me out of the palace, too."

"You know what you did," I ground out, carefully avoiding the usual additives I'd stick in that sentence.

"I genuinely don't, that's my issue!" Chrom defended. "Besides, it's my palace! How can someone kick me out of my own palace!? She's really taking this queen thing too far…"

"You're an idiot," I sighed.

"Aw, come on. Marth, help me out here," Chrom pleaded.

"I would never presume, milord," 'Marth' said coldly.

Chrom gave me a curious glance at the more-aloof-than-usual tone she was taking, to which I just grinned. It probably wasn't easy to admit the man you idolized wasn't as brilliant as you thought.

"I think you're both idiots," Robin chuckled. "And what's 'taco'? Is it a curse word, too?"

"It's a food," I groaned.

"Made with dog shit?" Robin chuckled.

"It's a crispy corn bread shell full of ground meat, salad and other stuff," I explained. "I kinda want one now. Thank you for that."

I'd have to get Elle experimenting with making taco shells and tortillas now…

"That actually sounds pretty good," Chrom said. "Let's go get something to eat, I'm hungry now."

"You're always hungry," I shot back.

Chrom shrugged. "I'm a big guy. I need to eat. Are you coming?"

"Ffffffffff… yes," I said, sighing. "I'm starving. Let's eat."

Robin and Lucina both snickered as I very nearly lost Sumia's challenge five minutes into it, but I ignored them as Chrom and I headed into Ylisstol. It was mid-morning now, and I had the entire morning to myself. Robin had been a godsend, taking away so much of the paperwork I usually had to do that I honestly had to rethink my schedule. I felt guilty actually having free time. Hell, she was so good she had free time herself, enough to follow my sorry ass around and make sure I didn't swear, anyway…

It was going to be a long-ass month.

At least I could still swear in my head.

Fuck shit balls.

Ah. Not perfect, but better than nothing.

* * *

It had been a few days since the challenge started. And I would like to state, unequivocally and for the record, that training without swearing fucking sucks.

Getting pummeled and having to scream "I like that tunic!" or "your mom is a classy lady!" just lacks the same stress relief factor, ya know? There were even more injuries than normal, mostly because the men kept laughing and tripping. And then there were the over-working injuries because I made those fuckers run twice as far for laughing at me.

But… I kept running as well, so…

Meh. Whatever. I was tired, I was stressed, and I was hungry.

And Lucina was still fucking following me.

"I have to admit, I'm amazed you managed to keep pace," I said, my voice betraying how dead tired I was.

"That?" Lucina gasped. "That was… nothing! We used to… used to fight… three times as hard… back in the fu… future…"

"Then why do you sound so much more out of breath than me? The guy with the shitty lungs?"

"Because we're going up stairs!" Lucina snapped. "Why!? Why are you going to the roof… now of all times!?"

True to my bitchy blue-haired shadow's complaining, we were currently tromping up the stairs to the open roof space of the barracks. I had something of a nightly ritual, something I liked to do as often as I could, just before dinner.

"So stay down stairs," I shrugged. "I don't much like the idea of you invading my alone time."

"Lady Robin entrusted me… to watch over you this… evening," Lucina ground out through clenched teeth. "I shall… not fail her…"

"Oh my god, are you ever fu… ugh… are you ever not on?" I asked, biting my tongue so I didn't slip up and cuss.

"And that… is why I cannot leave you alone," Lucina said.

"And if I'm going up here to pleasure myself?" I asked pointedly.

Lucina simply stopped, glaring up at me.

"Hey, that was suggestive but I didn't curse," I pointed out.

"Forget it, I'm too tired to argue," Lucina groaned.

I shook my head, pushing open the door to the roof. It wasn't really a roof space, more like an observation deck built into the roof. Ylisse had, for the most part, sloping tiled roofs, but a few places had decks like these. I think Sumia had a flower garden on the one in the Palace. But yeah, I'd claimed this as my little hidey-hole. Half was covered by a canvas shade-sail, with an old lounge chair I'd swiped from the Palace sitting near the door. Chrom hadn't even noticed it missing, but Frederick had given me dirty looks for a few weeks. Well, dirtier considering the way he always glared at me, anyway. But the reason I really schlepped all the way up here was simple, and leaning against the wall near the couch.

"Get comfy," I suggested with a grin. "You look a little tired there."

"I hate you," Lucina groaned, sinking down to the couch.

I just chuckled, picking up the length of wood leaning up against the wall.

"A training sword?" Lucina asked incredulously. "Have you not trained enough for one day? You will wind up hurting yourself."

I shrugged, forcing my tired muscles to run through the training exercises that Lon'qu had beat into me. Fortunately for me, they were beginner kendo routines, and while I hadn't officially taken kendo I had jerked around as a kid with practicing I copied off YouTube videos.

…

What!?

All boys do it!

Stop judging me!

Anyway. It was a nice evening, the sky beginning to shift from day to dusk and that lovely orange-purple colour that only lasts about twenty minutes. As exhausted as I was, I loved doing this. It was calming, and almost like a second round of warm down exercises. The wind blew nicely up here, and quite often I found myself coming to read in the sun during nice days when I had time. But right now I was running my drills, and even though I was letting my thoughts wander I had the presence of mind to maintain my form and practice properly.

The sun had sunk below the horizon, the first stars beginning to shine in the sky before Lucina finally spoke again.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?" I asked between swings. "Training? I'd say that's… pretty self-explanatory… Princess."

"You are going to overwork your muscles and hurt yourself," Lucina insisted. "I know you have something of a vulenary addiction, but your body needs time to rest and recover naturally. You're a smart enough man to know that, so why do you persist?"

I sighed, gasping for breath and wiping away the sweat from my brow as I lowered the training sword.

"Because I'm not you," I said, pointing the weapon at her. "I haven't been trained all my life for this. I haven't got the blood of a fu… grrr… I haven't got the blood a deity flowing in my veins. I'm nothing special. So I train."

Lucina went silent as I spun the sword in my grip, going back to my drills and swinging at imaginary Lon'qu dummies. I think I was starting to develop some aggression issues towards the man at this point…

But it was true. I was nothing special. I was no chosen hero, sent from afar to save the world. I was just a guy that had gotten drunk one night and ended up here, in Ylisse, where I was still nothing special. I was surrounded, all day every day, by the most brilliant people ever to exist in this world. Knights, mages, fucking grade-a heroes. And here I was, a college drop-out who couldn't hold down a job to save his life, trying to lead them? How the fuck do I put that into words so that she'd understand it?

Better yet, how the fuck do I get her to leave me the hell alone?

"You were thinking curse words just now," Lucina said, taking a few steps towards me.

I sighed again, breathing heavily as I lowered my training swords again. "That obvious, huh? What am I thinking now, then?"

 _Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off…_

Lucina gave a little chuckle, closer almost to a giggle, as she stopped a few feet away from me.

"I believe that you give yourself far too little credit," she said, her tone softer than before.

"Spare me, Princess," I sighed, tossing the training sword around her onto the sofa. "I'm not you, I'm not your father or Frederick, I'm not even Robin. I'm me. Imperfect. Flabby. Weak. And I'm supposed to keep you and those men inside alive? I… can't be those things. I have to be perfect. I have to be… better."

"Better than what?" Lucina asked, drifting closer.

"Better than me," I replied honestly. "You want the truth? I hate you. I really, really hate you. But for all that, I trust you. You and all the Shepherds. I know that if I look on the battlefield, you'll be there. I trust you to have my back. I… want you all to feel the same."

Lucina sighed lightly through her nose, frowning thoughtfully before stepping forward again and slapping me upside the head.

"Hey, ow! What the fu-"

She stopped me by putting a finger on my lips, smiling at me. "Idiot. I told you, you give yourself far too little credit. Were you unworthy of my trust, I would not have followed you. The others all feel the same way. And so you know, I hate you, too. But… I trust you with my life. Now, when was the last time you looked in a mirror?"

I shrugged. "Don't like mirrors. Got body image issues, don't like looking at myself."

Lucina actually did giggle this time, reaching down and tugging my shirt up before patting my stomach. My now apparently flat stomach.

"What? What? Holy sh-"

Lucina giggled again, placing her finger on my lips to stop me swearing a second time.

"That's two you owe me now," she said, grinning mischievously.

"Yeah, and? Want a cookie? Stop touching me," I deadpanned.

"You know, I can come back later if you guys want?"

Lucina and I both froze as Robin's voice drifted over from the open door. Sure enough, there she was leaning against the door jamb with her arms crossed and that fucking wicked grin on her face. I looked down, and it did indeed look for all the world like Lucina was feeling me up. Our faces were very close. It was easy to see how Robin would misconstrue this. With a sigh I closed my eyes and braced myself, biting my tongue and intent on weathering this storm without swearing.

The blow never came, though, Lucina simply stepping away from me and looking down with a blush on her face that was rapidly spreading to her ears.

"Dinner's ready," Robin added, a note of laughter in her voice, before she spun and disappeared back into the fort.

I glanced at Lucina, still frozen and glaring at the ground.

"What, not gonna hit me?" I asked with a grin.

"I find myself regrettably too tired for even that," she deadpanned, grimacing.

* * *

The next day was the start of a three-day rest period I had suggested for the men. One weekend a month I gave them Saturday and Monday off on top of our usual Sunday rest-day. Long enough for the boys to go back to their families if they lived nearby, or just relax and unwind a little. Can't work at full tilt the entire time without burning out, so rest periods like these were important.

It was just after breakfast and I was in the little corner of my quarters I'd turned into a bathroom sort of thing, contemplating shaving and simply looking at my shirtless self in the mirror.

I was… well, not ripped, but fit. I was flat. I had pecs. Fucking pecs. Not man-boobs, honest to god pecs. I wasn't ripped, like I said; I didn't have abs like Vaike or Sully, but my gut was gone. Even the skin was tighter. My arms had gotten larger, and my legs and butt were pretty damn toned.

I looked good.

I mean, until you factored in the hair, but I was still impressed with my progress.

So, of course, I started to flex a little. I was no Vaike, but I'd still fuck me.

"What are you doing?"

I spun, instantly blushing as Robin giggled at me from the open door.

"Didn't I lock that?" I asked, a little too quickly.

"Apparently not," Robin smirked. "By all means, keep up the show. I was just starting to feel the fire in my loins. Take me, you sexy, hairy man!"

"Oh shut the fu-... I hate you. Are you trying to make me swear?"

"Aw, I thought I was being more subtle than that."

"Vaike has a betting pool going on, doesn't he?"

"Odds are saying you won't last a week."

"I hate you all."

I growled as Robin burst out laughing, wiping tears from her eyes as she doubled over. She had taken to teasing me a lot more than Lucina had. Also, it appeared that she was intent on sticking around for a little while longer. It was a good thing, too, because I was getting used to her doing my paperwork. But… damn she was worse than Lucina sometimes. At least Lucina never started our exchanges. Just… usually wound up finishing them these days. Maybe Robin was coaching her?

…

Oh god please tell me Robin wasn't coaching her.

"I'll have you know I was about to shave," I said defensively, holding up the straight razor. "I feel like I've lost the urge now, though. Thank you very much."

"You can actually shave with a straight razor?" Robin asked, still chuckling. "I've noticed most of the others just go to a barber. It's cute when Ricken does it; the poor boy barely has peach fuzz."

"Yes, I can shave," I sighed. "Virion attempted to teach me. It usually involves a lot of cursing and bleeding, followed by me dumping a vulenary on my head afterwards, though, and I'm honestly not feeling it today."

"Well, we can't have our Lieutenant General, our vaunted Lord of Tactics, be wandering around all scruffy looking," Robin said, notes of teasing laughter still in her voice as she walked into the room.

I watched with a quirked brow as she dragged the chair from my desk across the room, placing it in front of the tub I'd filled with water and the mirror above it.

"Sit," she instructed, rolling up the sleeves of her coat.

"Oh, you a barber now, too?" I asked snarkily.

Robin just smirked, flicking her wrist and using a small tongue of flames to warm up the water in the bowl. With practiced motions she dunked a towel in the hot water and wrung it out before wrapping it around my face and head, effectively silencing me. I watched as she mixed up the shaving foam, the contents of which I was terrified to inquire about given the technological level of Ylisse, with the little shaving brush.

"I had to wear a lot of hats back in Southtown to make ends meet, especially during the winter months," she explained. "This is one of the ones I found more fun. I've already trimmed Ricken and Marth's hair while I've been here, and I'm supposed to do Olivia tomorrow."

"I can trim my own beard, thanks," I said, my voice muffled by the towel. My ex-girlfriend had tried to trim my beard before. Results were me without a moustache for a month. To say I've never let another soul near my beard since would be pretty accurate.

"Aw, you're no fun," Robin chuckled as she removed the towel on my face.

"Are you seriously going to do this?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"Yup," Robin chirped, picking up my razor and the leather sharpening strap.

"May I ask why?"

"What, I can't do something nice for the hero that came and saved me from my monotonous daily life?" she asked, feigning hurt as she began to lather my face and head up.

"Seems a little out of character for you, is all," I deadpanned.

Robin smirked, leaning down to my ear. "Just relax," she whispered.

I sighed out my nose and leaned my head back, deciding 'whatever' and resigning myself to letting the women in my life call the shots.

"What, you don't want me to that badly?" Robin laughed, flicking the razor around her fingers in a way that made me more than slightly nervous.

"No, just… feel like I'm losing control of my life," I shrugged. "You really want to, then go for broke. Just don't cut me."

With unnervingly gentle fingers she stroked the edge of my jaw before running the razor from my jawline down my neck. I tensed a little, but Robin just chuckled again, running the razor down my jaw and neck a second time.

"Relax," she repeated in my ear. "I'm not going to hurt you. I have pretty steady hands, you know."

"Mmm-hmm," was all I managed.

Honestly? Having a woman I knew for a fact was a killing machine with a razor at my throat wasn't as relaxing as I think she thought it was.

Once she was done under my jaw and moved onto my face, though, I relaxed a little more. The feeling of a razor running over your face when you're not in control is a very unique one. Bonus points if it's a straight razor. I'd been focusing on my breathing, entering a sort of meditative state. I still wouldn't say I was 'relaxed' but I wasn't as tense now.

"You know," Robin said softly, "I don't think I've thanked you yet."

"What for?" I asked unconsciously.

"Taking me in," she explained. "Giving me… a purpose. A place to belong."

"We still on that? To paraphrase a certain mercenary, 'was fine shack'."

Robin giggled a little leaning my head forward to rest my chin on my chest before she started running the razor over the back of my head.

"It was a good life," she agreed. "But… it didn't feel right. Not like this. Like… being here. With you and the others. This feels… right. Like I belong."

This… was starting to feel kinda nice.

I let out a breath, allowing myself to relax a little more.

It was like one of those ASMR things, but a hundred times better.

"So I'm guessing, then," I said, my words coming out slowly, "that you're over your little crisis from the other day?"

"Of course not," Robin chuckled. "If what you said is true, then my father is trying to destroy the world. That's… heavy. But with all of you that feels so distant. I feel… safe with you."

"Woman don't play with me."

"I was being serious, thank you," Robin laughed, slapping the top of my head. "There, done. And no cuts or scratches."

I opened my eyes and slowly sat up, running a hand over the top of my head. It had been shaved… a lot closer than I usually got. She was really good at this. And she was fast, too.

"Well then… thank you," I said, standing and turning. "I appreciate… it…"

Robin was standing right behind me, hands clasped behind her back and a big grin on her face. I rolled my eyes, rinsing off my head and face before pulling on one of my low-key casual shirts and fastening on my sword belt. Because I had one of those now. Unfortunately, Olivia and Nowi both still had my jacket and coat, so I'd be doing without. The one I'd worn when I'd had lunch with Cordelia was way too nice for such an occasion.

"I'm going to the Shepherds barracks," I explained. "I'm assuming that you're coming with me?"

"Of course," Robin laughed. "From everything I've heard that's where you're most likely to lose this little contest."

"Yeah, great," I sighed.

"So what are we going to bug the Shepherds for?" Robin asked, leaning forward a little and offering a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage beneath her collar.

"I'm still technically their tactician," I sighed. "I do need to pop in from time to time and make sure they're all still alive. Plus Anna's there and she said she'd be done with the preliminary numbers for the armaments order."

Robin bumped her shoulder into mine as we walked, grinning at me. Rather than fixate on why I had to be so short that most of the women here were my height I decided to ask the obvious question.

"What?"

"I meant what I said before," she said with a sunny smile.

"About the sex or about the place to belong?"

Robin barked a laugh, giving me a shove as she sped up her pace. "I'll leave that one to your imagination, mister genius. C'mon, keep up."

"Woman, stop touching me."

Yup. That lady would be the death of me.

* * *

The Shepherds' barracks was just as I remembered it. Run-down, ugly, and full of sweaty, smelly soldiers. And yet it still felt like coming home, in a sense. Some people were missing now, of course; Chrom, Lissa and Sumia were at the palace playing royalty now, and Lon'qu was probably not far away from the blonde princess he was clearly trying to hide how hard he was trying to get up into. Maribelle was in Themis. Thankfully. Tharja and Gaius were both still on their respective missions in Plegia. Virion and Olivia were busy running my army, using today to catch up on reports and organize our uniforms, respectively. I was actually rather excited about the uniforms, come to think of it… Ricken had never really been a presence at the barracks, but was off working on recruiting more mages for our second platoon because god forbid the kid ever handed in paperwork even a minute late. So the barracks wasn't quite as full as it had once been.

Still, though, the little place was crowded. It was small, it always felt crowded. But, put Vaike and Gregor in a room together? It just feels crowded.

And of course, true to form, the first thing I saw when I came around the corner was Stahl flying through the air after a particularly brutal lance-swing by Sully.

Robin and I both let out a sympathetic "oooooooh," as Stahl slid for a few meters before hopping back to his feet obliviously. He saw us standing there, giving his usual dopey grin and wave before Sully was back on him again, totally ignoring our presence.

Man, if she fucked like she fought Frederick was in for a very good time.

…

…

Come to think of it, that did sound pretty alluring…

No. Bad. Bad Ben. Do not. Father. Any of the second gen characters.

"Just ignore them," I sighed as we skirted what was beginning to look like a man fighting off a bear. "Actually, if Vaike bugs me I may just throw him at Sully instead."

Robin smirked, shaking her head a little as we stepped into the barracks. I instantly cringed, though, as a high-pitched auditory attack was launched on me moments before I was hit in the stomach.

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" Nowi squealed, crossing the barracks in a space of time that would make Usain Bolt jealous. Before, predictably, tackling and hugging me around the middle.

"Nowi. Stop. Hello. Stop touching. Please stop touching."

"Aww… but nobody here's any fun!" Nowi groaned.

"And trust me, neither am I," I deadpanned.

"Oh, I'm sure we could find something to do," Nowi said with a wink, her voice low and-

"Alright, off," I groaned. "I can't deal with this today."

The little manakete blew me a raspberry as I half-shoved her off of me before darting through the barracks to pester Donnel, who was doing the morning's dishes over in the corner. Vaike was napping in one of the chairs, and Anna was working on something at one of the desks along the far wall, offering me a lazy wave before going back to the stacks of paper in front of her. Gregor and Libra were god only knew where, and judging from the sounds of distant small talk Cordelia was out in the stable with someone.

I could hear Robin trying not to laugh behind me as I glared at Nowi and ran a hand over my head, sighing and shaking my head. A familiar flash of brown caught my attention, though, and I perked up.

"Panne. Welcome back," I said.

The Taguel glanced up as she entered from the stable, giving me a nod. "Manspawn. Hello."

"How was your little sojourn through the forests of Ylisstol? Find anything interesting?" I asked, stepping though the barracks.

"Fruitless," Panne said, her frown deepening. "I was hoping I had been impregnated, but now we must wait for the next cycle to-"

"No we must not, find another baby-daddy!" I growled, cutting her off.

This time Robin did burst out laughing, holding her stomach and doubling over as she wiped tears from her eyes.

"So that's one, then, I take it," she finally managed, straightening. "Who are two and three?"

"Not here," I growled, biting back the tirade of expletives on the tip of my tongue with great effort. "And technically she was two."

"Who are one and three, then?" Robin asked slyly.

"One is in Regna Ferox, and three should be back in a few weeks," I sighed.

I was really, really looking forward to her meeting Tharja, though. The yuri had always been strong with those supports, I was looking forward to shipping it IRL.

Panne, for her part, just quirked her head before shrugging. "Very well," was all she said before turning away and choosing a chair, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.

I froze for a moment, quirking my own head as Robin stepped past me to talk to Anna. Without thinking about it, I had just burned a bridge. Damn Sumia for distracting me like this… I would get my revenge for this loss.

What? Panne had been a good lay.

I still maintain I'm not a furry, though.

"Okay, as weird as that was," Anna chirped, jumping to her feet excitedly, "and waaaaaaay over-sharing by the way, I have good news for you."

"If you proposition me for sex too I swear I'll stab you," I warned, tapping the sword at my hip.

"Hey, you had your chance, buster," Anna laughed. "No, I mean I've got the final figures for the armor and weapons you ordered."

"Ooh, fancy," I said, perking up a little myself. "Lemme see, lemme see."

Anna motioned me over to her desk, moving aside and pointing to an absurdly large number on a sheet of paper. I quirked a brow, lifting the paper and looking at her working. Anna was meticulous about this kind of thing, and I trusted her implicitly where cash was involved, but I never signed a contract I didn't read or make a purchase this large I didn't inspect first.

Robin leaned forward, stopping just short of brushing her boobs against me as she read over my shoulder. Times like these reminded me she really was a tactician, where I was just playing at one.

"I assume I can expect a few prototype sets in the next few weeks?" I said, perusing the sheets.

"Pfft, what do you take me for, a novice?" Anna scoffed. "I'll have the first prototypes to you in a few days. The basic stuff for your Second Platoon and the heavier gear for the First. Scouting and support kits are going to take a little longer. What did Olivia think of the uniforms?"

"She's doing a stocktake and organizing them for distribution now," I mumbled, still going through the papers. "I think she's on the verge of a breakdown, but I haven't seen her in a few days. Could you give her a hand? As a favor to a friend?"

"No problem, but favors cost extra," Anna said with a wink.

"You're the salt of the earth, Anna," I sighed, handing the papers to her. "I'll owe you one. Meanwhile, this all seems to be, while expensive, in order. Put it through your contacts and I'll organize the money on Tuesday."

"A pleasure doing business with you, sir!" Anna cheered.

Yeah, no doubt she was hella happy about this. I'd seen her huge fucking mark-up. But even that was reasonable; she'd organized all this single-handed, not to mention the rush-order I'd put on it. I didn't have to like the price, but it was logically reasonable.

"You know," Anna said, a sly grin settling on her face, "you've been oddly well-behaved today. Haven't sworn once. I'd say that's either really impressive or really weird."

"Don't start, you know exactly what's going on," I warned.

"Aw, did some mean old queen take your balls and put them in her purse?" Anna asked, placing both palms on the sides of my face and squishing it around. "And you're not even her husband! That's low!"

"Anna I swear to whatever gods you hold dear I will stab you stop touching me," I growled, slapping her hands away.

"But your skin is so nice and smooth today!" Anna laughed.

I opened my mouth, only to hesitate as a familiar warm shape clambered up my back and perched on my shoulders. Two little hands began rubbing the top of my head as Nowi gave a girlish giggle.

"It is! It's so smooth!" she laughed.

I rounded on Robin, a promise of death in my eyes. "You planned this, didn't you woman!?"

"No, but I'm starting to wish I had," she laughed.

"Okay, that's enough."

A cool, feminine voice spoke as the weight of the young-seeming manakete was lifted from my shoulders, Cordelia intervening. She set the pouting dragon down on the ground, smiling and shaking her head.

"Cordelia, light of my life, thank you so much," I said, deflating. "You have no idea how close I was to…"

I trailed off as a blushing Cordelia gently ran her hand over the top of my head, a guilty grin on her face. "They were not kidding, it really is smoother today."

I gave a wordless, dangerous growl and Cordelia stepped back, hands held up non-threateningly.

"Okay, I'm going back to cloister myself away in the barracks before I snap and kill one of you," I said seriously.

I turned away, coming face to face with a grinning Vaike. "Heard you can't swear."

"Apparently not," I said slowly.

Vaike nodded, a serious expression crossing his face for a moment. Then, I think to everyone's surprise, Vaike slapped me across the face.

I stood there for a few moments, red flashing across my vision before I took a deep, calming breath.

"Vaike."

"Yes'm?"

"I can't swear."

"I know, why'd ya think I slapped you?"

"I have not, however, been forbidden from acts of intense violence."

Vaike's grin faltered, his eyes widening as he realized what he'd done.

Or more accurately what he'd unleashed.

"Hey, Ben, buddy, I was, was just kiddin' around-"

"Vaike, I've been having a really bad week so far," I said calmly, rolling out my neck. "Thank you for offering to be my stress relief."

Then I laid him flat with a straight right. As Vaike fell I let out a wordless cry of rage, leaping into the air and following him down to the ground with my elbow.

I couldn't swear, but I could sure as hell still make it so that the dumb mother-fucker couldn't talk for a week.

* * *

That evening, after an extended healing session with both Libra and Vaike where the two of us were lectured by the beautiful priest – who is still unfortunately a dude – about the sanctity of friendship, I finally managed to trudge into the common room in the barracks.

I was tired. I was sore. And my mouth was bloody from biting my tongue all day.

But I'd made it. Despite everyone's best efforts I'd lasted a week without swearing now.

And I wanted to die.

"And you're still following me," I growled out loud to a feminine laugh from behind me.

Robin, true to her word to Sumia, had followed me around with Lucina all week. It wasn't so bad when it was during work hours, but during my personal time I was starting to feel a little… stifled.

And she was just so. Damn. Perky.

I was growing to hate her. Despite how pretty she was I was growing to hate her.

At least Lucina spent the entire time glaring at me with silent hostility.

"So not sick of me yet, then, huh?" I asked, practically falling into the first chair I spotted.

Laurent glanced up from whatever paperwork he had spread out on the coffee table, offering us a polite nod before his writing quill began to move again. Ricken and Olivia were nowhere to be seen, and judging from the sounds in Lucina's room she was currently bathing.

A not wholly unpleasant thought, considering she'd filled out nicely in the last few months, but not really worth dying for.

Yet, anyway.

Robin scoffed, moving around the table to perch on the arm of Laurent's chair, crossing her arms with a grin.

"It's fun watching you suffer," she admitted with a wink.

"You really are a sadist, aren't you?" I sighed. "You'll get along reeeeeal well with Tharja."

Laurent spluttered, choking on his own spit at my comment and doing his best to cough up a lung. When he looked up again his eyes were wide behind askew glasses and his hair was a mess. The kid was too easy.

"From everything I've heard I don't know if I want to," Robin laughed.

"Trust me, once you get a good look at her chest…" I muttered.

Seriously, I didn't even like big racks! Justice over plot, ya know? But Tharja just had such an anatomically impossible figure… she had to use magic to keep her waist that damn thin with tits like that. There was no other logical explanation. She was, like, zero percent excess body fat.

Oh god Cordelia was right, maybe I was missing her.

"I will admit to being a little curious," Robin chuckled.

"Curiosity is good," I nodded sagely. "Curiosity helps us grow. Never be afraid to try new things. And let Laurent and I watch."

"Leave me out of this!" Laurent shrieked, going red to his ears.

Robin burst out laughing so hard she slipped off the arm of his chair and landed on the floor, but I just chuckled a little.

"You sure you're your father's son?" I asked.

"I take after my mother," the skinny mage deadpanned.

Well, he wasn't lying there…

"Did I not ask you to refrain from breaking my friend?" Lucina asked, stepping out of her room as she dried her hair on a towel. "And why is Robin rolling around on the floor?"

"I'm okay!" the tactician gasped between laughs.

I glanced up as the damp, steamy scents of a bath carried the flowered soapy smells to me and frowned. "Woman I swear to whatever gods you hold dear, if you've dragged a full bath into this barracks-"

"And put it where?" Lucina snapped. "True to your orders I have been bathing in a bucket, but I refuse to suffer with ice cold water. Laurent heated it up for me."

"Way to score affection points, bro," I said to the mage.

Laurent simply blinked, quirking his head at my VN speak. Robin threw one hand up, groping for the arm of the chair again before finally pulling herself back up. She was a messy laugher, that much was for sure. There were tears in her eyes and her face was red, not to mention her hair was an absolute disaster.

"Is the water still warm? Mind if I use it?" she asked Lucina, notes of laughter still in her voice.

"By all means," Lucina said with a small smile.

"Can't you just heat up your own water?" I asked.

"Hey, there's a person attached to this spellbook," Robin fake-pouted.

"Huh, and here I thought the only thing attached to that spellbook was a pair of ti…. That was close."

Robin clicked her tongue, grinning as she turned away. "So close," she muttered.

"And on that note I bid you all good night," I sighed, standing.

"No, please, don't leave us," Lucina deadpanned, rolling her eyes.

"Ooh, Princess you know _exactly_ what I want to say right now," I growled as I stomped towards my room.

"Wanna tell us anyway?" Robin asked cheekily.

"Good night ladies," I said emphatically. "And Isaac."

Laurent blinked a few times before remembering his alias, nodding before going back to his paperwork. The kid was smart, but sometimes he needed to be reminded of little things like that.

I closed the door to my room, breathing a deep sigh of relief as I was plunged into comfortable, silent darkness. I didn't even bother with the lamp, simply kicking off my boots, pulling off my shirt and beelining for my bed. I was just going to sleep in my jeans. Wouldn't be the first time, and sure as shit wouldn't be the last time. Elle's denim was actually really quite nice and comfortable, more-so than the synthetic shit back home, anyway. Made for good pajamas in a pinch, if you're used to sleeping in jeans anyway.

…

Where the fuck had Elle been lately, anyway? Wasn't my maid supposed to be, I don't know, around me all the time? Or something? Maybe she was moonlighting. Didn't I pay her well, though? Scratch that, didn't Chrom pay her well? I'd have to make a mental note about grilling her next time she showed her face.

With that thought I flopped down onto my bed, groaning in delight as my face hit my pillow. I groped around for the edge of my blanket, coming dangerously close to not bothering until my fingers found-

"God da… Nowi! What the fuuuuuu… graaaaaah! What! Are! You! Doing!?"

In the moonlight I could see the lump on my bed shift as the manakete sat up, blinking groggily at me before giving me a mischievous smile.

"I was sleeping."

"In my bed!?"

"It's comfy. And smells nice."

"Robin put you up to this, didn't she?" I groaned, Nowi quirking her head as I turned back to the door. "You will not defeat me, woman! I will beat Sumia's challenge! Stop! Stop trying to make me lose or I swear to god I'll kill you!"

I spun back to Nowi, my eyes narrowing dangerously.

"And you," I hissed. "You have been very clingy lately. Stop it. My room, my bed, my barracks. You want in either ask or join the army. Now get out."

"Awwww!" Nowi groaned, latching onto me with her arms around my chest. "But you're so much more fun than the others! You're just grumpy because Tharja isn't here and you're not getting laid."

"Where did you learn to speak like that?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"Dunno," Nowi chirped, smiling up at me with her chin resting on my chest. "I am a thousand years old. I know aaaaaaaaaaaall kinds of things."

With another, longer, even more exasperated sigh I stood, grabbing Nowi by the scruff and dragging her to my door before tossing the protesting manakete out on her ass.

"Not tonight, not any night, you look like a fuuuuuuuuu… like a twelve year old, now fuuuuu… argh! Go away!"

And then I slammed the door to the howling laughter of the other residents of the common area.

Judging from the big grin on Nowi's face this was far from over.

God damn why were all the women here so thirsty!?

I needed locks for this door. Big locks.

"Urgh. Yup, I am losing control of my life," I groaned, shuffling back towards the bed.

* * *

The next morning I awoke with a pounding headache. It was time to start work again after the extended weekend, and I had been so stressed I'd barely slept at all. I hated the world and everyone in it, with the exception of maybe Tharja and Elle who both apparently only existed to make my life easier.

And of course when I got to my office the first things I saw were Robin standing with my itinerary for the day on a clipboard, and Lucina lounging on the sofa I kept along one wall to nap on when I burned out.

"Ladies, good morning," I said, my voice hollow.

"Someone didn't sleep well," Robin chuckled. "What, twelve-year-old manaketes keep you up?"

"What's on for today?" I asked, running a hand over my head and ignoring her.

"Big day today," Robin said, switching gears instantly as she set into work mode. "Regular training, as well as some administrative stuff. The prototype armors are supposed to arrive today."

"Have them brought up here and call the Platoon leaders for a meeting."

"Alright. There was another missive from the Duke Southland about using his land for training exercises."

"Unless he said yes then I don't care."

"He did finally cave, yes."

"Good, send him a fruit basket and some wine and start organizing the trip with Ricken and Isaac."

"Already on it, just waiting for Anna to supply the wine. A couple of vintage bottles, he'll love it. Uhhh… oh, Sammy in First Platoon's wife just had a baby, and he's requesting leave to go see it. I think it was a little boy?"

"Give him the week off and tell Anna to add an extra bottle to that list. Give it to Sammy as congratulations. And tell him to choose a godfather."

"I think he asked Mal in Second Platoon, they come from the same village."

"Good. Anything else?"

"There's… a small group of people from Chon'sin here to see you, something about a ginger man sending them?"

"Have them brought up immediately," I said, falling into the chair behind my desk.

"Oh, and one more thing," Robin added, turning for the door and hesitating. "There's a girl here, too. Says she's related to you."

"I only have brothers, and I'm positive any of my cousins would not survive a week here," I deadpanned. "Turn the con-woman away and bring up the Chon'sinians. Is that how it's pronounced?"

"I believe so," Robin chuckled.

"Wait," Lucina called out. "This… relative. Did she give you her name?"

"Uh, no, she was pretty evasive about it," Robin said.

"What did she look like?" Lucina persisted, her voice taking on a strange, yearning quality.

"Uh… pale skin, skinny, black hair," Robin listed off.

"Hazel eyes?" Lucina asked quickly, bolting to her feet. "With little flecks of violet in the irises?"

"Y-yeah, I think so," Robin said, taken aback. "She was wearing a hood, I didn't get that good a look at her-"

"Take me to her," Lucina said, letting slip and allowing the old Exalt tone to enter her voice.

Robin quirked a brow at the abrupt change in 'Marth's' tone, but I held up a forestalling hand. "Bring her up here first. Clearly this is something I should deal with."

Lucina gave me a thankful look as she carefully sat back down, Robin shrugging and moving to carry out my orders.

With another long sigh I reached into my desk and pulled out a bottle of amber liquid, sitting the whiskey on my desk within easy reach.

This month did not appear to be getting any easier.

* * *

 **AN: Hey, look at that, the c-word finally snuck in there. In my defense, I only use it when I really have to. You'll notice I didn't include the n-word. That's because it's a racial slur, not a curse word, and I still refuse to even commit it to text. That's the one line metallover ain't crossing.**

 **A lovely wish-fulfilment chapter for you all. Hopefully it was fun to read. Wrote it mostly as a birthday present to myself. Yes, the not-swearing story arc shall continue for another chapter at the very least. In fact the next chapter is going to be the culmination of a few plot threads. Look forward to it!**

 **(P)atreon plans are on hold. Will advise with next upload.**

 **Follow me on Twitter – metalloverCAB**

 **The Invisible Ties Audio Drama is live! Check us out by looking up our channel Neckties You Can't See!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter the fifth, or 'why do all these shenanigans have to happen when half of my vocabulary is unusable?'**

The tension in my office was so thick you could cut it with a knife as we waited for Robin to return. Of course, this was mostly from Lucina. I knew for a fact that no one I was actually related to could be here, at least not one of the women related to me anyway. It could be a grifter or a con artist, but I decided it could also be another one of Lucina's time travelling buddies, so I'd at least hear them out.

I was feeling nasty though, so lord help them if this was a con…

The princess, in particular, was pacing back and forth in front of my desk and making it very hard to write up the leave papers for Sammy. It was the sway of her hips as she walked; it was hypnotic. I couldn't help it, I'm a sucker for a nice ass. And, if I'm being entirely honest, there were few asses finer.

"Woman stop pacing you're giving me a headache."

And a boner, but I couldn't very well say that without getting stabbed.

Lucina paused just long enough to glare at me before resuming her pacing, clearly ignoring me.

"What, you getting lonely with only me and Laurent to talk to? You're breakin' my heart, Princess. I thought we had something," I said, feigning hurt.

"I will break your face in a moment," she growled.

I grinned, relenting and holding my hands up in the universal 'I mean no harm' symbol. It was kinda funny the way that some of my speech and mannerisms were rubbing off on her, but to be fair at this point she'd only had me for company for the last year or so, even with Laurent; the kid wasn't much of a talker. Of course she'd pick up on a little of my habits and mannerisms. Took a lot less time than that for my last girlfriend. I'd probably picked up some of hers without noticing, too.

"You're lucky I've got lots of space now," I snickered, putting the finishing touches on the leave of absence form.

Lucina stopped to glare at me again, her gaze falling on the bottle sitting on my desk. "Didn't you stop drinking?"

"Socially, yes," I replied. "I still need a hard drink after work some days. You ever try running an army before?"

"Yes," Lucina answered immediately.

"Okay, let me rephrase that; have you ever tried running a successful army before?"

"That is not funny," she growled.

"I can't swear, I'm not letting you take my booze away, too," I deadpanned.

"I swear I do not know why I bother with you," Lucina muttered, going back to pacing.

"A paycheck," I shot back. "You bother because I give you a stable income and a roof over your head, not to mention the fact you and Laurent both still owe me a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun-time huge amount of money."

Lucina didn't respond, just grinning over her shoulder at me as I sighed again. "I hate you."

Fortunately, Robin chose that moment to make her reappearance, cool as a cucumber as I sat fuming in my chair. She cleared her throat, obviously trying to remain in professional-mode as she showed a hooded person into the office.

"I'll bring the Chon'sinians to the conference room on the second floor," she said as she closed the door behind her, but not without giving me that damn lopsided smirk.

There was a moment of awkward silence before I sighed and rose to my feet, resting my palms on the table.

"So? Which one are you, and how are you 'related' to me?" I asked, cutting to the chase, liberally over-using air quotes.

The girl, because I'd be worried if a boy had tits like that, nodded and pulled off her hood. Noire glanced nervously at me before looking up at Lucina with wide eyes.

"Lucina!?" she exclaimed before clamping her hands over her mouth in a panic.

"Noire!" the former Exalt said, crossing the space in an instant and wrapping the skinny girl in a tight Chrom-hug. "You are here! You are okay! I was so worried!"

"L-Luce…" Noire said, giving me a worried glance.

"I already know," I sighed as Lucina stepped back.

Noire nodded, a nervous grin rising to her face as she stepped forward. "Th-that's… good. Father, I miss-"

"What?" I asked, cutting her off.

"What-what?" Noire asked, taken aback.

"The fuuuuuuuuuuuuunnel did you just call me!? And shut up, Princess!" I snarled, Lucina chuckling in the background.

"I-I-I-I thought you said you… I mean, I… hold on…" Noire stammered before reaching into her top.

Oh boy, here comes the split personality…

"BLOOD AND THUNDER!" Noire snarled, her voice sounding an awful lot like my mother's when she was pissed off at me. "I am righteous fury! I am your future daughter! You said you knew of this!"

"I know you're from the future, I didn't know who your father is," I deadpanned. "If I'm your father then prove it."

Noire simply quirked a brow in a very familiar fashion before glancing at my desk. With quick strides she crossed the room and grabbed the bottle of scotch, opening it, tilting her head back and upending it. Within moments she had downed the entire bottle, and with a harsh sigh she thumped the now empty glass back on the table with a challenging look.

Jeez, lucky for me that was the rot-gut I kept for when I reeeeeeally needed to get shit-faced. I'd be pissed if she'd pulled that with my good stuff.

"Noire!" Lucina hissed.

I quirked a brow of my own as Noire looked at me challengingly.

"While impressive, that doesn't really prove anything," I pointed out.

A momentary look of panic crossed Noire's features, the girl wrapping her hand around Tharja's little amulet again before her face hardened and she nodded with determination.

"Then why don't you… feel me up? If you're my f-father you won't feel anything from doing it."

"Noire!" Lucina screeched, jaw dropping.

"Ho-kay," I shrugged, standing and shuffling around my desk. "Lucina, take a note; she came on to me."

And without further ado I stuck out my hands and began to fondle a furiously-blushing Noire's breasts. They were actually quite impressive. Not quite on the level of her mother's, but they had a firmer perkiness that someone as physically inactive as a mage lacked. A little tighter, firmer on the right side, but I guess that was to be expected of an archer…

Oh…

I looked down, eyes widening as I beheld my crotch.

Nothing.

Not even a damn twitch.

My dick had never lied to me before. Which could only mean…

"Yup, you're mine alright," I sighed, stepping back. "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingles. I thought that Tharja was… you know what, it's not important. Ships. Shiny. Shaman."

"Er… father, are you… okay?" Noire asked slowly.

"No, I'm not okay," I groaned. "I just found out I have a daughter and I can't even swear about it because Lucina's funky mother has banned me from fanning swearing for a month. I'm not okay."

I reached down, pulling a second bottle out of my desk. This one was grain alcohol. It was practically gasoline. It was my 'end of the world stash'. I took a swig, sighing as the harsh liquor burned its way down before holding the bottle up to the girls. Lucina crossed her arms and Noire shook her head.

"That first b-bottle's gonna hit me like a c-cart soon," she said timidly.

"Okay, well… uh… nice to meet you? Sweetie?" I shrugged, struggling. "Sorry for the whole… groping thing…"

Noire sniffled before launching herself at me, sobbing into my shoulder as I awkwardly patted her back. Lucina, for her part, politely averted her eyes.

This was, without a doubt, the worst possible timing. I had so much going on right now, and I just had to have this shit dropped on top of me…

That's not to say I hadn't fantasized about what it would be like to be Noire's father. Or Severa's, or Morgan's, or even Yarne or Inigo's. Brady, not so much. But yeah. It wasn't like I was totally unprepared for this.

It was… a complicated feeling.

Especially given that I had been so adamant about remaining single.

But then, Tharja and I had a kind of open relationship kind of thing going on…

"Argh, fandangle it," I groaned over Noire's head. "Feel a little better yet, kid?"

"I'm n-not a kid," Noire sniffled without looking up.

"You must be pretty interested by my shirt, huh?" I asked with a smirk.

Noire half-laughed, half-sobbed as she leaned back from me. And immediately swayed dangerously.

"Aaaaaaaand there's the scotch," I laughed. "Princess, can you get Noire into my room to sleep this off? We'll get her set up with her own quarters later."

"Very well," Lucina sighed. "But I'm doing this for her, not because you asked me to."

"Nice tsundere," I said, giving her the thumbs-up.

"I don't know what that means, I don't want to know what that means, I'll see you in the conference room."

Noire moaned as Lucina hoisted her up on one shoulder, struggling weakly in an endearingly drunken manner.

"Nooooooooo! I wanna… wanna join the army, too! Ima be an archer and *hic* general like m'dad! Ugh… gonna puke…"

"Not in my office!" "Not on my cape!"

I couldn't help but snicker as Lucina dragged a reeling Noire away, the girl, my little girl apparently, giggling a little as she muttered something about 'idiots in stereo'. My grin faded as I gave a sigh, reaching for the bottle again.

Wouldn't be the first time I'd bull-shitted my way through a shift at work drunk off my ass…

* * *

After lunch I had some free time, so rather than do what I'd usually do and train I decided to track down my errant maid.

Of course, owing to my bet with Sumia, Robin tagged along, too.

I decided to start with the palace, because I still had rooms there and it seemed to be the most logical starting place.

My meeting with the Chon'sinians, now fortunately all the newest members of the Third Platoon, had been surprisingly informative. Gaius hadn't sent back immigrants, he'd sent back refugees. Which was good, because they were clearly very motivated to oust Imperial Valm from power. I mean it wasn't good-good, it was… whatever. Important point was I had the startings of an intelligence network for when we got over there, and I had people to teach me Chon'sinian. Which, fortunately, was apparently just Japanese. Why was I so intent on learning Chon'sinian, you may ask? Two reasons. One was to look good once we got over there and I already knew the local dialect. Two was to hit on Say'ri. Or really any other hot Chon'sin babes.

Oh yeah. I had the yellow fever.

We were walking through one of Ylisstol's outer burbs as we headed for the palace. Probably not the nicest area, on the verge of being a slum really, but no one fucks with the Lord of Tactics and everyone knew it. Not because I was a badass, fuck no. Because a lot of the people here had friends and family in my army, and no one wanted to fuck up a stable income. Made me a popular guy, actually.

Still, though, the area was a little rough. Rutted dirt roads, poorly built wooden buildings, dilapidated far past being safe in some cases. Chickens wandering around, occasionally being chased by stray dogs. But still the people lived and existed, going about their daily lives as if nothing was unusual. No war that just finished, no misplaced people in Themis struggling to rebuild, no interdimensional traveler walking among them…

Okay, I doubt anyone had thought of that last one, but you get the idea.

"Why do you always come through here?" Robin asked conversationally as we walked.

"I grew up in a place similar to this," I explained, watching some kids running through the muddy street and laughing. "Reminds me of home. Keeps me grounded."

What can I say? Shit-holes are universal, regardless of technological or magical levels.

"So this is where you keep your never-ending source of humility," Robin nodded sagely.

"Har-har, Robin funny," I mocked.

"Isn't this nice? We're learning about each other, bonding…" she persisted as we walked.

"There is literally nothing to learn about you, you have amnesia," I deadpanned.

"So teach me more about life! Teach me to love!" she said, a mock note of pleading in her voice.

"If you go into one of those alleys and take off your pants I'm sure some nice man would be thrilled to teach you about love," I growled. "Stop making me try to swear. I'm not losing this bet."

"Aw, you're no fun," Robin giggled.

"One of these days I'm gonna turn around and make good on your incessant flirting," I warned.

"Do you promise?" she asked in a low, husky voice, the grin never dropping for a second.

"Woman you just wait til I can swear again," I muttered, shaking my head.

Robin just gave me a toothy grin, and we continued on our way to the palace.

Now, I'm no shrink. The psychology knowledge I have is from a combination of having friends study psych, visiting shrinks myself, failing my Education Psych class twice and watching the old Evangelion anime. So, pretty eclectic. But the way Robin had adopted so much of my vulgar, teasing personality was fascinating. I'm putting it up to her having no memories of her own and being exposed so heavily to me. I guess default-Robin personality is from Chrom exposure.

Which works for me, because this Robin is a lot more fun. Or at least will be when I can curse at her for annoying me.

Anyway, we walked into the palace as per usual, nodding at the guards as we went, and sauntered right on up to the royal apartments where my room was. Usually two armed people walking into the Royal Apartments would be stopped, especially considering we weren't related to the royal family, but the guards knew well enough not to make eye contact with me. I won't lie, they suffered at the hands of my practical jokes just as much as Lissa had, in the beginning. They're just lucky I couldn't get firecrackers…

They were on the list, though. I'm sure some Asian-esque nations in the West had gunpowder for fireworks and stuff. Firecrackers were the next logical step.

May whatever gods they prayed to help those guards when I found firecrackers…

We stopped just outside the door to my room, exchanging a glance as I rested my hand on the sturdy wood. We had no idea what we would find behind this door. I hadn't been back for a while, and hadn't seen Elle in just as long. I was worried. I'll admit it. Elle was, while not a friend, still someone I trusted, and that was a rare trait for me. I was concerned for her, and I didn't want to see her, like, hurt or dead or anything.

I know, I know. I'm a big old softie.

With a sense of great trepidation I pushed open my door to find…

"Elle? What the hijinks are you doing here?"

My maid glanced up, the fresh, clean sheets fluttering down onto the top of my bed as she aired them. The room was spotless. Aside from the surprised look on her face, Elle was totally fine.

Once again, I had blown shit way out of proportion in my head. Like a dumbass.

"Milord! Welcome!" she greeted, pivoting and bowing.

"Is this where you've been hiding?" I asked, stepping into my room.

"O-of course, sir!"

"What have you been doing in here while I'm at the barracks?"

"Maintaining your room, as is proper for a man of your station, sir."

"May I ask why you're maintaining this room, and not the one in the barracks?" I asked, deadpan.

Elle innocently quirked her head to the side, a blank look on her face. "Because you didn't tell me to stop maintaining this room, sir."

I groaned and face palmed as Robin tried and failed miserably to hide her laughter behind me. Elle gave the new woman a curious look before her attention came back to me, and she wilted guiltily.

"H-have I erred, milord?" she asked cautiously.

"No, I should have expected this," I sighed. "New rule: maintain whatever room I'm staying in at the time. Comprende?"

"Y-yes?" she said cautiously.

"Then get your butt to the barracks and make me some cookies."

"Yes, milord!" Elle cried, darting past me.

At which Robin burst into peals of laughter.

"Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, smarty-pants," I groaned. "Keep it up and you'll be helping her."

"They'd be the best damn cookies you ever ate!" Robin managed to gasp in-between laughter.

Clearly she'd never had Elle's cookies before.

* * *

A few hours later I was meandering through the halls of the barracks, looking for something to occupy my time now that I had Robin doing so much of my bitch work. Seriously, the woman was a machine. It was… scary how fast she chewed through the paperwork Chrom and Frederick, who was still being a gigantic prick, were heaping on me. I'd say I was dangerously close to falling in love with her, but it could also have been the running endorphins. I'd just finished training, after all.

Of course, Lucina had swapped out with Robin once we'd gotten back to the barracks. I'd almost grown accustomed to having either her or Robin shadowing me at this point.

"How's Noire doing?" I asked conversationally.

"Last I saw she was still passed out in your room," Lucina said, her voice strained.

The Princess had adapted well to the training course, and was regularly out-performing me now. Which was good, because I was not leading the pack, I was somewhere in the middle. I wanted my men to be better than me. That was the whole damn point. I didn't have to be the best, I just had to keep up with them. Virion, on the other hand, had taken to his role with Frederick-like fanaticism, and was now so fit he was, actually, leading the pack during training exercises. Credit where credit was due, when that crazy tea-sucking bastard put his mind to something he was pretty fucking impressive. Not that I'd ever tell him that to his face.

As we walked by I heard talking coming from one of the storage rooms Olivia had co-opted for her platoon of support players, and on a whim decided to stick my head in.

"Let's get Olivia to set her up with the basic necessities," I suggested. "You can help her get set up with anything else, when you're not following my sorry aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant-hill around."

"I find it almost disturbing how you do that," Lucina said deadpan. "In fact, if you were an older man I'd worry you were having a stroke."

"Har har Luthina funny!" I laughed in a stupid voice. "I'm not losing this dang bet. And I am going to rub. Your mother's. Face. In it."

"Win first," Lucina suggested, reaching around me and pushing the door to Olivia's store room open.

The pink haired dancer and her people had basically taken over a third of the barracks, making great use of the budget I'd allocated her. Surprisingly, as timid as she was Olivia had a good head on her shoulders for this stuff. We now had a dedicated crew of blacksmiths and tanners for our maintenance woes, cooks, cleaners, and god only knew what else, and I'm pretty sure she'd been the one spearheading talks with the Naganite Church to get some priests and clerics seconded to us. Which would be fucking huge. I'd hit a brick wall because I routinely refused to pray or attend mass, but clearly she was better at playing 'the game' than I was.

… what? Benny don't pray. Period. Especially not to the ghost of a dead manakete who _would not cut me a fucking break_. Like, seriously? If you're a deity, throw some damn luck my way! I knew she was watching!

Ugh. Never mind… all this not swearing was making me a little crazy.

I think a lot of people tended to underestimate Olivia as just another pretty face, though. Much to their detriment. Behind the stammering and the timidity and the fucking amazing rack was a keen mind to rival even Robin or… well, not so much myself, but maybe someone like Anna or something. Whatever. I'm not that smart to begin with, I'm just good at faking it.

Speak of the red-haired devil, her signature 'I just made money' cackle escaped the door as I stepped through it.

"Howdy ladieeeeees holy craaaaaaaaaaaab-cakes that's a lot of boxes."

Piled almost up to the roof were crates of what I could only assume were armor and uniforms. The entire storage room was filled to bursting, yet still strangely neat and orderly. The stacks were in neat little rows, all labeled or marked with color-coded ribbons. Clearly I wasn't the only one with a little OCD here…

"Ben! How's my favorite customer?" Anna chirped, her perpetual smile growing as she no-doubt smelled my wallet.

"G-good morning, General, sir," Olivia managed, jumping up and saluting.

"At ease, Olivia," I sighed, waving her back down. "What'd I say? When it's just us you can drop the formalities. And no, Anna doesn't count as another person. She's more like… a walking, talking shop."

"Still can't swear, huh?" Anna asked, her smile turning into a sly grin.

"Once I am again in possession of my full vocabulary I will tell you exactly what I think of your prices," I deadpanned. "Until then, just know that you're mean."

Anna snorted, her face split by a smirk. "Not the worst thing I've been called today…"

"Scratch that, she's just a crook," I sighed.

"Don't like the price, don't make the deal," the redhead winked.

"Why are you here?" I sighed louder.

"You're the one that asked me to give Olivia a hand. Pro bono I might add," Anna said innocently.

"Yeah, I'll bet it has nothing to do with having an important military leader owe you a favor," I said, narrowing my eyes.

"Not at all," Anna said, her voice so sweet it gave me the diabeetus.

"Ah-I-I'm… sorry you had to go through so much trouble because I couldn't… get this done on time by myself…"

I glanced over as Olivia simultaneously stepped forward and wilted guiltily, the pretty dancer's face a countenance of pure shame. I looked at Anna, who shrugged and gave me a wink.

"Well, my work here is done," she said, overly-cheerily as she bounced towards the door. "I've got other deals to make, as profitable as this one has been, so I'll see you all later. It's a pleasure as always, Lord General of Tactics, sir."

"Bite me," I muttered to her back as she disappeared.

Glancing over at Olivia I gave another little sigh, wondering absently how I was functioning while I was clearly losing so much oxygen to the constant sighing.

"You know, there was no timeframe to get the uniforms sorted," I told her. "Quite honestly, it's been what, a week? That's pretty daaaaaaaaaaaaaaapper good. Lucina, I swear to god if you don't stop laughing at me…"

Olivia glanced up, giving a strangled laugh as she looked at me with those big doe-eyes.

"You need to relax a little," I suggested.

"I… wanted something to distract me from…" she said, looking back down and trailing off.

"From… ah, that jerk that beats me senseless in the name of 'training' every day, right?" I asked.

"Does 'jerk' count as a curse?" Lucina asked from where she had drifted over to poke around in a crate of armor.

"Not helping right now, Princess," I called over to her.

Olivia gave a sad smile, looking back and forth between the two of us. "It's so nice, the way you two are so close… I… wish I had that."

"What?" "We are not close!" Lucina and I both snapped at the same time.

Olivia's sad smile turned wry as she sunk to a hip, tilting her head a little. "And the pet names?"

"Princess isn't… it's… uh…" I blustered, struggling for a decent lie.

"He is calling me that to insult me," Lucina deadpanned.

"I mean… not entirely…" I mumbled, looking away from the two women.

What!?

It's true, she _is_ a fucking Princess!

I can't help that!

I…

She…

Fuck it. I give up.

Olivia giggled, her face breaking out into that rare radiant smile she usually only got when I was embarrassed. Lucina was blushing up to her ears, and when our eyes met she went even redder as she gave me a glare capable of melting steel.

"You two are so cute," Olivia crowed.

"Let's just… prep these crates for distribution," I suggested. "Before Lu… ugh… before Marth's head explodes. What's going where?"

As we set to work, Lucina not-so-subtly organizing the crates furthest away from me, Olivia drifted over as I was elbow-deep in a box of pauldrons. Before I could so much as un-hunch myself into a more dignified position she bent down and placed a light kiss on my cheek, whispering a small "thank you" before flitting off to help Lucina with a big blush on her face.

I just watched the sway of her perfectly toned dancer's ass as she crossed the room before shaking my head.

"These women're gonna be the death of me…"

* * *

Later that afternoon, as the sun began its descent into the forests around Ylisstol, I found myself hauling a big-ass box of uniforms towards the barracks-rooms that the First Platoon was billeted in. Lucina, as always, was right behind me, carrying the same amount of boxes while Olivia remained in her storage room to continue prepping the armor for distribution over the next couple of days.

It would be good to get the uniforms out. Hell, I was excited. The closest most of the soldiers got to uniforms were the crappy tabards that got handed out to individual squads, and then usually only to the better ones. Even the Knights used their own livery most of the time. We were about to go respectable in a big way, and I was chomping at the bit to see a field of blue-uniformed silver-armored soldiers training soon.

If I can get the women to fight in dresses it will be like having an army of Sabers… Yesssssssss…

Oh god I need help.

Virion met us at the entrance to the First's billets, his own room nearby with his other junior officers. Of course, being the man-whore he is the first thing he did was take the crates from Lucina, making sure his hands brushed up against hers in a painfully obvious manner. I couldn't help but snicker at the look on her face, a cross between surprise, revulsion and anger that the archer-colonel seemed to be totally, and almost purposely, oblivious to.

God what I'd give for balls like he had…

"So these are to be our new uniforms, then? Magnificent!" Virion said over the top of Lucina's boxes.

"Yeah," I said.

"This is truly a most auspicious of days, my friends! We must celebrate!" Virion insisted.

"I want you to think real hard about how much fun running those obstacle courses and training routines will be with a hangover," I warned him. "By all means, go ahead, but just remember: I get great joy from watching people suffer."

Virion let out a great belly laugh, something I hadn't even thought him capable of with that dainty frame, struggling to walk in a straight line as we continued onwards.

"Perhaps just some extra tea rations, then," he relented with a grin. "There is space in the storage closet in the recreation space the First use. We can put them there for now."

"Aw, don't spoil my fun," I chuckled.

"Your 'fun' is usually making us run ten more laps," Virion pointed out.

"Trust me, it's not fun," I deadpanned. "Especially not when I do it with you."

Virion paused for a moment, stopping to consider this before breaking back into his trademark smirk. "This is a good point. Perhaps you are a masochist?"

"That would explain so much," Lucina piped up from behind us.

"I hate you both," I growled. "If I weren't carrying these boxes…"

Lucina scoffed from behind me, and I had to resist the urge to drop the boxes in my arms on her feet. I mean, sure I'm an asshole, but I just got these new uniforms…

With a double-sigh of relief Virion and I set the boxes down on the closest tabletop inside the recreation room, the archer stretching out his back as I returned the greetings of the closest soldiers. Virion took one of the topmost boxes and made his way to what I assumed was the storage closet as I turned to make pointless small-talk with the soldiers, explaining to them about the uniforms-

A loud, resounding bang echoed through the space, accompanied by a bright flash and a burst of smoke. Virion yelped from the closet, and I screamed something I never thought I'd have to say in a fantasy setting.

"Flashbang! Everyone down!" I shouted as I crash-tackled Lucina to the ground.

Not, ya know, because I wanted to save her or anything. I just wanted to tackle the bitch for being so mouthy lately.

"Argh, what are you doing!" Lucina snarled, shoving me off. "Are you still drunk!?"

"I'm not drunk, I'm charismatic," I snapped, both of us peeking over the table.

To my surprise there were no ninjas descending from the ceiling, no imminent death in the form of a covert SEALS team, just Virion scooting away from the closet on his butt and an upturned box of uniforms where he'd dropped them. There was, however, a dark scorch mark on the floor with smoke still lazily wafting from it, so someone had rigged the closet to blow.

"Holy shit I can't believe that worked," a voice said from behind us.

I leapt to my feet, looking up a taller man because everyone just has to be fucking taller than me. His shoulder-length brown hair was curly and unkempt, a small moustache dotting his upper lip. Of course, to add insult to the injury of his height, he was also shirtless and pretty ripped. Like, skinny ripped. You know when a skinny guy starts to put on muscle and you can really tell because they had, like, zero-percent body fat to begin with? That. He was that.

"So that was you?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"Damnation, Toady, what did I say about explosives in the barracks!?" Virion howled from the ground.

"I didn't think that one would work," Toady shrugged. "That's why I stored it in the storage closet. But now it did work and I don't remember how I did it. You didn't see-"

"I don't see anything right now!" Virion shrieked, jumping to his feet. "I can also barely hear you! Where are you!?"

Lucina, Toady and I all began to laugh, along with most of the other soldiers in the room. Virion's face was black with soot, and his hair had been blown back. But funniest of all…

"What!? Why are you all laughing!?" he snapped, blinking rapidly.

"Your eyebrows are gone!" I chuckled.

"What!?"

"I said your eyebrows are gone!" I shouted.

Virion's face went slack, eliciting further laughter as his hands shot up to his singed brow and his countenance became stormy.

"Shit. I'd, er, like to request a transfer to another unit, sir," Toady said as Virion zeroed in on him.

"Sure, ya pyromaniac," I chuckled. "Can you… make any other explosives?"

"Hell yeah I can," the taller man shrugged. "I'm like an alchemist without the magic."

"Any other skills? Like, I dunno, martial arts or stealth or something?"

"Does a Molotov count as stealth?" he asked, quirking his head.

"I like him," I said, turning to Lucina before turning back to Toady. "I like you, Toady. Report to Captain Olivia, get some examples of what you can do ready. Outside of the barracks this time. You have two weeks to impress me. I would like a couple of decent sappers in my army."

"Can we take a moment to talk about my eyebrows!?" Virion bawled.

"What eyebrows?" I asked with a smirk.

"Sir, yes sir!" Toady grinned, saluting and turning on his heel as he left the room.

A collective sigh rose from the present soldiers. Clearly this wasn't the first time someone had been blown up by this man. I'd have to warn Olivia to keep an eye on him.

* * *

That evening I sat across from Noire, both of us looking expectantly at the other as Lucina watched on from the sidelines.

"So… I'll admit that I have no idea to interact with you," I said at last.

"M-me… neither…" Noire admitted, looking down.

"Uh… well, for the meantime, what do you want to do now that you're here?" I asked.

"I… c-can I… join… the…" Noire mumbled, fidgeting something chronic.

"The Shepherds?" I asked when she trailed off.

Noire shook her head, her short hair dancing around.

"What, you want to join the army?" I asked incredulously.

Noire gave a meek nod, not meeting my eyes.

"I mean, sure, I guess…" I shrugged, looking to Lucina for support. She just glared back at me without speaking. Clearly she was still unimpressed about the tackling thing earlier. "I'll talk to Ricken, get you set up in the Second platoon, and-"

"Um! I… I… wanted to… I…" Noire stammered, before reaching into her top and jumping to her feet with the little amulet in her hand and roaring. "Blood and thunder! I am the greatest archer in the Shepherds of the future! I am more than worthy of being a member of the First, like my Father before me!"

"Okay, that's jarring," I said with a neutral face. "And no. Second platoon, take it or leave it."

Noire's fierce gaze dropped back to her usual timid self, giving me a stricken look as tears began to gather in the corners of her eyes.

"But… w-why!?" she asked.

"You earn a spot in the First," I explained. "You doubly so. There's no favoritism in my army. You want a top position, show me you're worthy of it. Work with Ricken, show me you're worth putting in the First, and I will. I mean, I'll make Virion and Robin do it because staffing is their problem now, but still, the point remains. I want you to earn it."

Noire nodded her understanding, her expression turning resolute. Or as resolute as she was capable of getting, anyway. I felt a brief twinge for being such an asshole about it, but this was important. I couldn't and wouldn't show anyone any favoritism, so she needed to really earn a position in the First.

"Okay," Noire said. "O-okay. I can… I will do it."

"I know you will… uh… sweetie? Sorry, this is all still new to me…" I sighed.

Noire gave a girlish little giggle, moving to sit next to me and wrapping her arms around me in a hug.

"I missed you, dad," she said softly.

I simply nodded, resting one hand on her back.

This… was gonna take some getting used to.

It wasn't so bad, though.

I could worry about what to say to Tharja later.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiinto, you need an alias," I groaned.

* * *

And so finally it was that the day came.

One month.

I had gone an entire month without swearing.

And now I was literally skipping to Chrom's office in the palace, where I knew he and Sumia were waiting for me. Lucina and Robin were in tow, coming to report that I had, in fact, managed not to swear for the entire month.

I had nearly bitten through my tongue multiple times. I had been laughed at. I had been mocked. I had had people I considered close friends place bets on me failing. I had been forced to beat the ever-loving shit out of a number of people, not just Vaike. But I had survived.

This was a good day. I was so ready to be done with this shit and go back to just being me. I hated watching my language. I spent all day around a bunch of foul mouthed soldiers, of course I was gonna swear.

"He's… very upbeat today," Robin commented.

"Yes, sickeningly so," Lucina agreed.

"Ladies, I'll respond to that in just a moment, soon as Sumia gives me the all-clear," I practically sang over my shoulder.

Robin made a whip-crack sound while Lucina just sighed again. But I didn't care. I pushed open the door to Chrom's office, and much like last time the Exalt-to-be had vacated the seat behind his desk for his wife. She looked tired, but I suppose that's to be expected when you run a country with an idiot like Chrom on top of having a newborn daughter. I skipped across the room, doing a little spin as I plonked my ass down in the chair across from her, and smiled radiantly.

"Good morning, my Queen," I said brightly. "Good morning, Chrom. And hey, I'll even throw one in for Frederick! Good morning, Fredward. How are we all?"

Chrom snickered as Frederick audibly ground his teeth, but both men remained quiet as Sumia took the proverbial floor.

"Good morning, Ben," Sumia said, smiling quite radiantly herself. "It's good to see you in such high spirits."

"Well, I'm about to have a ten-ton monkey pulled off my back, so yeah I'm in a good mood," I grinned. "Let's get this show on the road!"

"Very well," Sumia nodded. "Ladies? Has Sir Ben been true to the rules of our little challenge?"

Robin gave a great sigh, nodding. "Yes, unfortunately, he has. He's come close a couple of times, but he hasn't uttered a single curse or swear for the entire month. And in doing so just lost me a month's pay."

"Shouldn'tve bet against the away team," I commented.

"Very well. Marth, do you have anything to add?" Sumia asked, turning her gaze on the blue-haired woman at my shoulder.

Lucina hesitated for a moment, as if she'd forgotten her alias, before nodding. "It is as Robin says," she reported. "He has been, while still vulgar and irritating, true to the terms of your contract."

Sumia nodded, her smile growing as she finally slipped back into her regular persona. "Very good! I knew you could do it, Ben! See? You can do anything you set your mind to!"

"I already knew that," I said, quirking a brow. "But now what I really want to hear is 'Ben you can safely swear again'."

"Please consider the company you are in," Frederick groaned.

"No, it's fine," Sumia laughed. "Our bet is over, and you've won! I can't believe it! I'm glad I didn't place a bet with the others!"

"I shouldn't have done that," Chrom sighed.

"How much did you lose?" I asked, shit-eating grin plastered on my face.

"About twice what we agreed to pay you for winning," Chrom moaned, his face stricken.

"Sucks to be you-ooh!" I sang, sitting up straight. "And now, the moment we've all been waiting for… ffffffffffffffffff… uhhhh… you know what? I'm just not feeling it…"

I slumped back in my chair, oblivious to the stunned expressions on the people surrounding me.

"Ben… does… does this mean…" Sumia began hopefully, trailing off when I sat up.

"What, that I'm not gonna swear anymore? Fuck no, I just wasn't feeling that particular one," I laughed. "In fact, there's something I've been dying to say to you for a month now…"

Sumia gave me the kicked puppy look as I stood, rising to my not-so-impressive full height. And began to sing and spin my way out of the room.

" _Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a mother-fucking dick, suck a dick, suck a huge or small diiiiiiiick…"_

I'm pretty sure, as I spun out of the room, I heard Sumia sigh defeatedly as Chrom and Robin both burst into laughter. But then there were the hurried footsteps of Frederick and Lucina coming after me, so I hightailed it out of there, screaming "FUCK!" at the top of my lungs the whole way out of the palace.

Over. And over. And over again.

It was good to be free.

Or so I thought, until a big meaty hand clamped onto the scruff of my jacket.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT!" I screamed as Frederick caught up with me, bodily tossing me down the palace stairs.

Pretty sure he contemplated throwing the guards down after me, given how hard they were laughing.

* * *

That evening, after getting the shoulder I'd dislocated when Frederick had thrown me down a flight of stairs looked at by Libra, I found myself in the barracks common room. For the first time in a month, I was blissfully alone. Robin was still working on some troop rosters, Ricken and Laurent were pulling overtime fixing the Wooden Horses again, and Virion and Olivia were with their respective units doling out the new uniforms, Noire filling in for Ricken and distributing in his place. I still wasn't too sure how to deal with her, and I think the feeling was mutual, but we were having meals together and spending our down-time doing… things. We were trying, and that's what was important. And fucked if I knew where Lucina was, but the important part was she wasn't here.

Breathing a deep sigh of relief I just kind of… looked around the empty space, a small smile rising unbidden to my lips.

It was like I'd paid off my car all over again. That feeling when you make the last payment, that sense of freedom…

Elle had come along and cleaned up, the common area practically sparkling. She was probably preparing dinner now, which was great. I had a nice lump of cash in my little hidey hole behind the painting in my room. Bertha would be starting in Olivia's Third Platoon next week. Apparently Toady was just about ready to show off what he could do.

Things were going well.

I frowned.

Things were… going well?

This didn't happen often.

"So this is where you've been hiding."

"Fuck," I breathed, turning as Lucina sauntered into the darkened room.

There was the other foot, right on cue…

"Why are you standing in the dark?" she asked, brushing the hair from her face now that we were alone.

"I just got here," I shrugged, sinking into my favorite chair. "Hey, you ever worry you'll get, like, tan-lines on half your face?"

Lucina paused halfway across the room, face going blank for a moment. "I was not worried, no."

"Look, I'm just sayin', I got tan-lines around my mouth from the beard," I shrugged, pointing at my face. "I can live with looking stupid, but you're a girl, so…"

"Why Ben, it almost sounds like you care," Lucina teased as I trailed off.

"Blow me, last time I try to be nice," I growled before sighing.

There was a moment of silence as Lucina and I squared off, neither really having anything to say at this point. It was kinda awkward between us now. For the last month we'd been forced once again into each other's pockets, and now that we were free I got the feeling she didn't really know what to do with herself. Hell, I'll admit I kinda missed the companionship, even if it was grating at times. It didn't help that in the twilight Lucina looked fucking radiant. But with that personality of hers…

"You know, you actually lost the bet."

My face went slack for a few seconds before I could corral my tongue into working. "I beg your pardon?"

What… what the fuck was she talking about!?

That's not what she had told her mother!

Lucina smirked, crossing the space in slow, deliberate movements. Like a predator moving in for the kill. The sly little grin never left her face.

"During the first week," she explained slowly. "When I followed you up to your little hideaway for the first time. Do you remember what you said on the stairs?"

"Uh, no…"

"'Shitty lungs'," Lucina went on. "Your exact words."

I blinked, thinking back.

Fuck. I couldn't remember.

But as much as Lucina didn't like me, she wouldn't lie just to spite me. Especially not to her parents. She was painfully honest, just like her father.

So, why then…

I looked up at her beautiful face, framed in the weak half-light, still grinning down at me.

"Oh fuck me with a chainsaw…" I muttered, eyes widening.

That grin… that victorious little grin…

She… if she was right, and she was keeping this secret…

Then she fucking owned me.

"Nope! Fuck this!" I shouted, jumping to my feet.

Lucina's eyes went wide, yelping in shock as she leapt back from me. I stomped across the room, grabbing my jacket and pulling it on.

No way. No way was I letting her have this.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To the palace," I snapped. "I'm going to march right up to your mother, hand her back the cash and tell her I lost the damn bet. I'm not letting you hold this over me. I don't care what it costs me. I'm not going to be your bitch for any reason-"

"Ben will you shut up for five seconds and let me finish!?" Lucina shouted over me.

I froze, waiting for her to continue. Lucina's glare softened as she took a deep breath, crossing the space to stand before me and looking directly into my eyes.

"I swear on my brand that I'm not going to blackmail you," she said seriously. "I won't use this information against you."

"So what? You'll just lie to your mother?" I asked, probably a little more hotly than I should have.

To her credit Lucina did manage to look guilty for a moment before she nodded. "If that is what I must do, then yes."

"Why? Give me one good damn reason to trust you. I've been nothing but a dick to you for so long now-"

"It is because I wish to bury the hatchet," Lucina cut me off. "I… I want you to trust me. And I want to trust you. I… wish for us to be… if not friends, then at least on better terms. And I also happen to think what you are doing with this army has merit. I think we will need it in the future, and I don't wish to see it suffer any setbacks."

I blinked, crossing my arms and stepping back to consider what she'd said.

Shit.

Like… seriously?

Not only was she doing this for me, she was doing this for the army as well?

God damn… just like her father.

Still looking at me with that laser-like focus, Lucina quirked one perfect brow. "Well?"

"I think I was right, you are starting to get a tan-line," I said, straight faced.

Lucina let out a long sigh, closing her eyes and turning away. "Forget it. This was a waste of time. I'll not tell anyone of your failure, but-"

"Thank you."

Lucina froze this time, looking back at me over her shoulder. "What?"

"I said thank you," I repeated, grinning. "I'd like to consider you a friend, too, Lucina. And I really appreciate what you've done for me today. I think I greatly underestimated you."

Lucina turned back to me, nodding slowly. I could see her neck bob as she swallowed nervously, we were so close.

God damn she really was beautiful…

"But," I added. "I'm not about to change who I am. You've seen how I interact with Virion and Ricken and even your father. I'm an asshole, and that's not about to change. But… for what it's worth… I'll… try to tone it down with you. Okay?"

Lucina's face lit up like a damn Christmas tree before she nodded. "Yes. Yes, that is acceptable."

I had to give my head a shake. We were so close together I could smell the scented soaps she used to wash her hair. We had quite the nice mood going on. Was it just my imagination, or was she drifting closer? God no! This was Lucina. And I didn't want to risk ruining the progress we were making here on the chance I was misreading the mood.

Okay, so I really didn't want to get my nose broke if I was misreading the mood.

I stepped back, nodding. "Okay, good. I was getting tired of fighting with you all the time anyway. I'm gonna hit the hay early tonight. Got a big day of cussing out all those assholes in the First that kept laughing at me tomorrow."

Lucina gave me an odd, almost disappointed look as I moved around her. I stopped, though, turning back to poke her in the middle of the forehead.

"You should get some rest, too," I added with a grin. "After all this time following me around I'd say you've earned some alone time."

"It was not as bad as you might think," she said, gently swatting my hand away.

"Goodnight, Princess," I said over my shoulder, crossing the common area and closing the door behind me as I stepped into my darkened room and leaned back against the door.

With a heavy sigh I ran a hand over the chrome dome, fumbling for the small lamp before channeling some mana and lighting the wick with a flick of my fingers. Roy Mustang style, because I'd been practicing.

You can take the otaku away from the anime, but you can never take the anime away from the otaku…

Although I'm pretty sure if I started 'Naruto-running' I'd kill myself from shame…

I turned towards my bed, sighing in relief as I found it mercifully empty. I kicked off my boots, wiggling my toes in my socks on the cool stone floor before stepping further into the room.

"Hello, Ben."

And having a fucking heart attack.

"Jesus fuck, Nowi! What the actual hell are you doing!?"

The manakete was sitting in the chair at my desk, feet hanging just off of the floor due to her diminutive size. She wore a rare frown on her face, crossing her arms and doing a decent job of glaring at me.

"We're going to have sex."

"Okay… that's… the last thing I was expecting to hear…" I said.

"I'm serious," Nowi protested, hopping to her feet.

"Great, so am I. Get out."

"Oh no!" she fumed. "I tried being subtle! I tried being cute! I tried being forward! You wouldn't take the hint, so now… now we do this the hard way!"

As she spoke she reached up, untying her weird strappy top and letting it fall to the floor. Before I could get a good eyeful of loli-chest I held up my hand, blocking her from view.

"Nowi, for god's sake are you trying to get me arrested!? Think of how this looks!"

"Everyone keeps saying that!" she practically shouted. "You're too young, you should wait for the right man, you shouldn't rush, wait for love… Ylisseans are such prudes and its driving me absolutely crazy! But you! You, with Tharja and, and Panne, and number One! I don't even know who she is! I don't care! I'm in heat, and no one will fuck me!"

"Because you look like a twelve-year-old! Get dressed!"

"I have boobs!" Nowi persisted. "Look! I do! You know you want to, look dammit!"

Against my better judgement I dropped my hand a little, glancing over my fingers at Nowi's modest bust. She was… not entirely non-existent. Clearly still growing, but they had a nice shape and-

And Nowi chose that moment to drop her shorts.

"Fuck's sake, girl! That is the opposite of what I want you to do! The exact! Opposite!"

"Stop calling me 'girl' and 'kid'!" Nowi snapped. "I'm a thousand years old! I've been around the block! So shut up and do me!"

I froze, the simple fact that she was, in fact, a thousand years old sinking in. Now, I had no frame of reference for manakete aging, but the simple fact that she was claiming to be experienced…

No! No-no-no-no-no!

Her fucking name in Japanese is _Nono_ for a reason!

"Nowi, I-" was as far as I got before I felt a tug at my belt.

"Lose the pants," Nowi growled, tearing my belt out of the loops and cracking it like a whip before tossing it aside.

I automatically shucked my pants without thinking, such was the strength of her voice. As she reached out for my trunks, though, I came to my senses and leapt back like she was on fire.

Of course, with my pants around my ankles I tripped and fell spectacularly on my ass, smashing the back of my head on the floor for good measure.

I groaned, letting out another, louder groan as a light weight settled on my lap.

"Do you really find me so unattractive?" Nowi asked in a small voice.

I looked up at her, frowning and misty-eyed as she looked pleadingly down at me. I tried really hard not to look at her chest or her tight, thin body, but… well, she was literally sitting on top of me. It was hard not to. And, if I'm being totally honest, that wasn't the only thing getting hard… With a sigh I let my head fall backwards, looking up at the ceiling.

"This isn't your first time, right?"

"Of course not," Nowi scoffed.

"It's, like, safe, yeah? You're taking the herbs or something? You're not gonna get pregnant?"

"Manaketes only ovulate every fifty years or so," Now explained, her voice growing excited. "And I'm still a good ten off."

"… fuck it, I'm going to hell anyway. May as well deserve it…"

It'd been a while since I'd had some 'justice' in my life. Tharja's tits were huge, so this would be a nice change of pace. And really, Tharja had been gone for more than a month. I was getting a little antsy for her to get back, so this… kinda worked out.

Oh man I was having a hard time justifying this to myself…

"Really!? Does this mean you're going to…"

Nowi trailed off as I sat up, supporting myself with one hand as I gently ran the other through her soft, silken hair before cupping the side of her smiling face.

As my father used to say: 'fuck it'.

"You tell anyone about this, and I'll deny it," I warned.

"I can't promise I won't brag a little," she whispered devilishly.

I smirked as she leaned up, pressing her lips to mine and slowly, sensually grinding her warm body against mine as she pulled my shirt off.

It really was turning into a good day.

Even if it did feel like I was going to end up in prison.

* * *

 **AN: Wowsers this took forever to finish. There will be more of Toady in the coming chapters as I begin to introduce some new OCs to fill the army's ranks a little. The 'suck a dick' song is from a vine that was popular a while ago. It's the most beautiful profanity I've ever heard.**

 **Who wants to name Noire? Give her an alias in the reviews! I'll pick the best one and use it in the story.**

 **Sorry guys, had some technical difficulties with the editing for the second episode of the Invisible Ties Audio Drama, which ate up a lot of time. But it's done and up on YouTube, so check it out! Major props go to my co-editor Game777Guy for being so cool about the setbacks. You're the man, man. Also… aw hell, I just love everyone working with me on this project. It's a damned dream come true.**

 **You know, I've had** _ **Echoes**_ **for like a month and a half now, and I still haven't progressed past the first mission yet… I've become an adult and I don't like it.**

 **Follow me on Twitter! – metalloverCAB**

 **Check out the Invisible Ties Audio Drama on YouTube! Link to our page is on my bio page! Episode 2 is now live! DO IT!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter the Sixth, or "Oops, I done fucked up"**

I awoke the next morning to a sensation I hadn't felt since I was a younger man. My abs were fucking killing me. Like, if I'd done a workout routine focused solely on the abs. But there was also a familiar old pain in my thighs, as well. Not the top, the main muscle of the thigh. Kind of the inner thigh, closer to the groin muscles.

Why, you may ask?

I broke the rules. I lewded the loli-dragon.

Twelve times. Nowi had managed to get twelve rounds out of me.

And I'm not bragging, I was in fucking pain.

My previous record was seven rounds in one night, a number I was pretty fucking proud of. I think I'd been nineteen at the time, I'd just come back off of a vacation and my girlfriend at the time had missed me _very_ much. And when I say seven times I don't just mean seven orgasms, I mean the whole fucking shebang. Sweaty, high-energy, lots of effort fun. And to think Nowi managed to get nearly twice as many out of me. Thank god for the endurance training I'd been doing…

It had taken a little while to get our stride, admittedly. Everyone's different, so of course everyone's gonna have different things that make them feel good. But once we'd gotten used to each other… god _damn_. There had been fireworks. Fucking with someone else who was experienced really made all the difference.

And Elle was going to absolutely hate me when she had to clean these sheets.

A warm, skinny form mumbled something beside me, yawning and throwing an arm across my chest and a leg across my stomach as the manakete in question snuggled closer to me. A very naked manakete. Reminding me that I, too, was buck-ass-naked.

I let out a groan, looking away and running my free hand down my face.

 _Hello regret my old friend…_

As much as that had been the best sex I'd had since I got to Ylisse, it was still fucking _Nowi_ and now I was certain I was going to hell. Or prison. Or, more than likely, both.

"Mornin'," Nowi muttered into my shoulder, stifling another huge yawn. "What time's it?"

"Uh, early," I managed lamely.

"Good," Nowi sighed, snuggling closer.

It always astounded me just how high her body temperature was. Without any clothes to get in the way it was even more pronounced, her silken-soft skin emitting heat like a tiny little girl-shaped heat-pack.

I let out another groan as my thoughts circled back round to the current source of my self-chastisement. Nowi, for her part, stirred as well, letting out a small frustrated sigh.

"Will you stop grunting and groaning already," she mumbled. "I thought you were fitter than that…"

"That's not why I'm groaning," I said diplomatically.

Even though yes, I was in shit-tons of pain…

"So? What, are you worried I'm gonna tell Tharja?"

"No, she and I aren't in a relationship. We just bang."

"Mmmm, lucky her. Where do I sign up?"

"What, was I that good?"

"Yeah, I'd say about a six outta ten."

I opened my mouth to say something along the lines of 'yeah you were great, too' only to stop, the little grin falling off my face.

"I beg your fucking pardon!? A six!? Isn't that… a little low!?"

"Yeahhhh… okay, you're right. Six and a half, but only 'cause of that thing you did with your tongue. Going to have to remember that one…"

I went silent, glaring down at Nowi with wide eyes and a frown as she lounged on my chest. Which, given how damn huge my barrel-chest is, made her look even smaller.

"What?" she asked, looking up at me and flashing her eyelashes innocently.

"It just seems… a bit low, is all," I muttered, blushing slightly. "I thought I performed pretty damn well, thank you very much. My pride is a little hurt, honestly."

Nowi let out a girlish little laugh before scooting further up my chest and laying a hot kiss full on my mouth, our tongues entwining for a moment before she broke away with a small grin.

"You were still the best I've had in decades," she said, her voice taking on a husky quality that was wholly out of place on someone of her appearance.

"Right, well, I refuse to accept such a small score," I said. "We're gonna practice until I make at least an eight!"

As I spoke a wrapped my arms around a laughing Nowi, consequences be damned, pulling her close again as I reinitiated our earlier kiss. Thin limbs wrapped themselves tighter around me as Nowi began to grind herself against me, my earlier thoughts of self-loathing gone as we began to stoke the fires from last night again-

Three loud, sharp knocks on my door made me freeze, eyes widening as the heavy wooden door swung open.

"Good morning, milord!" Elle chirped, bustling in. "It's getting quite late, sir. I know this was to be a day off for you, but you can't sleep the day away- OH DEAR SWEET NAGA I'M SORRY!"

With a high-pitched squeal Elle darted from the room, blushing crimson and slamming the door behind her. My ears were ringing from the auditory assault I'd just been subjected to, and Nowi had begun to laugh wildly in my arms.

"I have got to get a damn lock for that thing…" I sighed, letting my head fall backwards. "How many times is that… ugh. Wellp, damn. My boner's gone."

Nowi chuckled a few more times before she looked up at me, a sly grin on her face.

"Just give me a minute."

* * *

Another two hours later I finally hobbled out of my room, hunched and groaning with every step I took. I was freshly bathed, the scent of Lucina's expensive-as-hell scented soaps wafting off of me. What? It had been easier than scrubbing the love-stank off of me. Have you ever tried to wash off fifteen rounds of sex in nothing but a bucket!? Stop judging me!

I let out another groan, my step hitching as my thigh quivered in protest. There are a bunch of different muscles for sex you don't use in your day to day, and clearly I wasn't as fit with them as I thought. Tharja and I were gonna have to get a _lot_ more creative when she got back…

"Fucking insatiable manakete," I muttered, a grin rising to my face as I prepped the shirt in my hands.

As I struggled to get the unwieldy garment the right way up and out I walked into the little common area, where the others were still having breakfast. It was the start of a week-long religious thing that apparently no, my army was not exempt from. Prayer and fasting and the whole giving thanks to Naga bullshittery. Like a weeklong Ramadan, but praying to a dragon. Olivia and Virion would be the ones representing the army in all the stately shit. I still didn't pray. But, on the plus side, I got a whole week to relax now.

I was getting a lot of time off lately…

"Mornin' all," I mumbled, stifling another yawn.

Numerous eyes looked up as I shuffled in, the scents of a breakfast that had since gone cold wafting over to me. Worth letting the food get cold, though. Totally worth it. Virion and Ricken had both deigned to join us that morning, which along with Robin, Laurent, Noire and Olivia meant there wasn't a lot of space left. Strangely, neither Elle nor Lucina were anywhere to be seen.

"Egads, man, put on a shirt," Virion groaned. "What did you do, fall asleep on a feline?"

"Shaddup, I'm workin' on it," I slurred.

"Yeesh, no wonder Elle ran for the hills," Robin laughed as I struggled with the collar of my shirt. "Nice hairy abs, by the way."

I froze, shirt halfway down my chest, and glanced down at my stomach. Yup. Sex had toned my abs. Not, ya know, Vaike level of toned, but still I had fucking abs. They'd probably go away after the muscles relaxed, but for now I was going to fucking enjoy this.

"Alright, fuck the shirt," I laughed, pulling the garment back over my head and sitting at the table next to Noire.

"Argh, put on a shirt! Please!" my wiry sniper daughter from the future groaned.

I rolled my eyes, tugging the shirt back on over my head. "There, happy now?"

"Yes," several voices all sang out in unison.

"So I know why Elle ran out," I said, helping myself to a few bread rolls and a generous dollop of plum jam. "But where's Marth?"

"Out training. Said something about not being able to bear the thought of you being fitter than her," Robin said with that evil little grin she got.

"Well maybe if she'd done some training rather than sit on her ass pissing away all my money for nearly six months," I muttered, casting a pointed glare at Laurent. The mage shrunk down in his chair, studiously avoiding meeting my gaze while Noire snickered a little.

"We're… g-going to work on my training today, right? Sir?" the archer in question asked.

"Yeah, sure thing Dusk," I shrugged.

I'd had to fight the urge to call her something like Chatte, Perkele or some other European swear that I had come across in my life. I mean, it would have been funny as hell, but the simple fact that this was my daughter and I didn't think she'd see the humor, let alone ever forgive me, had made me decide on something a little tamer. I'd also considered naming her after an ex-girlfriend, of which there were plenty that I shall not name here, but I was pretty sure Tharja would curse me to never be able to orgasm again or some other such vileness… I wouldn't put it past her. Hell, I was already expecting a yandere meltdown if she found out I hadn't been faithful to her, despite the fact we weren't actually in a relationship.

I really… kinda needed the lock on my door now…

I'd chosen to name her disguise persona Dusk, keeping with the darkness theme. Pretty obvious it was a codename, but then again so was 'Marth'. Lucky Laurent was the only one that got a real name. I was beginning to think he was forgetting what his real name was, actually.

Oh, and we were saying Noire was one of my cousins' kids, just because she'd introduced herself as 'related to me'. Unfortunately it was known that my siblings were younger than me, but I'd never mentioned any cousins, so it fit. Not that anyone actually cared, but the cover was there if we needed it.

Noire beamed, nodding and looking down to hide the happy smile on her face. Robin just gave the younger girl an odd look, her piercing gaze switching back and forth between Noire and me before she appeared to lose interest and went back to sipping her tea. Noire and I had been working on beefing her up a little, doing some cardio and stamina training. Two things I never thought I'd be fit enough to teach anyone, actually. But she needed the boost. She was a good shot, but suffered from the same problem Lucina had when she'd gotten here; namely malnourishment from a future without enough food to go around. I had her on a special high-protein, high-carbs diet to give her the fuel she needed, and she was very quickly responding to the diet and training. Soon she'd be able to go back to regular eats, but I wanted to wait another week just to make sure.

Her tits were getting even bigger, though, and I didn't know how I felt about that. I'd already had to glare down a few of the braver soldiers in the army… Probably be easier if everyone thought I'd already staked my claim. Not like the rank and file didn't already think I had a harem going on up here, anyway…

Before the conversation could progress any further we all looked up as a latecomer entered the room. I didn't think anything of the fact, thinking it was just Lucina and instantly looking back down, but then, to a chorus of shocked gasps and mutters, my brain registered _who_ had entered the room and in _what_ state of dress.

Namely, Nowi wearing naught but one of my oversized shirts.

"Morning all!" she chirped, bouncing happily. She hesitated as she neared the table, letting out a huge yawn and covering her mouth with the back on one dainty little hand, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry. Didn't get a whole lotta sleep last night."

Six sets of eyes all turned to look at me disbelievingly, and I instantly felt my face burning hot with embarrassment. This was _exactly_ how it felt when I played my Fate/kalied Ilya Weiss Schwarz deck back home, but about a thousand times worse. Namely, it felt like I was gonna go to hell.

"Okay," I said slowly as an oblivious Nowi helped herself to breakfast. "Okay. Now, let's all take a moment to recall she's a thousand years old. Okay?"

Laurent just let out a sound halfway between a groan and a sigh, running a hand down his face. Ricken and Virion seemed to be torn between congratulating me and admonishing me. And on Virion it looked like the indecision was causing him physical pain. Olivia looked fit to explode at me, the dancer being somewhat overprotective of the little manakete, but the explosion was forestalled when Nowi crawled up onto her lap and perched there, munching on a cold breadroll. Olivia didn't seem perturbed by this over-familiarity, automatically wrapping an arm around the little dragon-girl – WOMAN, dammit, she was a thousand years old – and casting me a withering glare. Apparently they were a bit closer than I'd thought. Not surprising really, given Nowi's personality; I just hoped she'd cleaned up before jumping up on Olivia like that. Robin just grinned, shaking her head.

"Sooooooooo… number four?" the tactician asked cheekily.

"Yes, number five, Nowi's number four if you really must know," I deadpanned, rolling my eyes.

"In your dreams am I number five," Robin snorted, reaching across the table and flicking me in the forehead.

I chanced a look at Noire, rubbing at the red mark on my forehead. She just looked… confused. Like she wasn't entirely sure how to process this turn of events. I guess I'd have to give a little clarity to the relationship I had with her mother later today…

"Wow, this stuff is better than usual," Nowi said around a mouthful of bread. "Must be because I'm real hungry."

"So," Robin said, her grin widening as she leaned forward. "How was he?"

"He gets a seven-and-a-half," Nowi shrugged, speaking as if she were talking about the weather. "He would've gotten lower, but there's just this _thing_ he does with his tongue-"

"This is hardly suitable breakfast conversation!" I shrieked, red up to the tip of my bald head.

Ricken, Virion and Robin all burst into laughter at my outburst. Laurent just sighed again, louder this time. I daren't look at Noire right now, but I could feel her fidgeting uncomfortably next to me. Olivia… for god's sake, Olivia looked morbidly curious now.

"Technically," Virion began when he was done laughing, "t'would be more accurate to say we currently dine on 'brunch', so late were the two of you emerging from your room."

"Cram it, Ruffles," I muttered, sinking lower in my seat. "If this were brunch there would be booze, and I'm still sober here."

There was an awkward little silence filled with the sounds of shifting in seats and Nowi's chewing before Robin glanced up to speak again.

"Sooooooo…" the white-haired woman asked, her grin widening to dangerous proportions. "How big was he?"

"Fuck's sake!" I shrieked, higher than before. I'm pretty sure I heard glass shattering somewhere.

"Average," Nowi shrugged, grinning a blushing a little herself. "But he definitely knows how to use what he's got-"

At this Noire leapt to her feet, letting out a high-pitched wail that fluctuated in volume, sounding almost like a police siren, and darted from the room. I buried my head in my hands, groaning and wishing I could just die.

"Great, now look what you've done," I growled.

When I looked up Nowi and Robin both had infinitely satisfied looks on their faces. I wouldn't meet the gazes of anyone else at the table for the rest of breakfast. Brunch. Whatever.

"Er, master?" Ricken asked, leaning over to me to whisper conspiratorially.

"What?" I growled.

"Why do you smell like Marth?"

* * *

After breakfast I wandered down to the training yard, where I was supposed to meet Noire. The entire way I muttered obscenities to myself concerning manaketes, their mothers, and which orifices on their bodies they could both put my boots.

A few of the soldiers that hadn't gone home for the week were running around the large oval, and I was pleased to see that the exercise habits I was instilling in them were beginning to take root. The oval itself was a mess of rutted dirt and grass from where we trained. There wasn't a gardener, so the ground just got churned up by the marching and then ignored. On one side was the Wooden Horse structure, standing forlorn and alone in the cheery morning sunlight. It would probably be about two weeks before it saw use again. There were some targets set up for the archers nearby, and only one shape currently shooting at them; obviously Noire. As I made my way down to the target range I waved a few quick hellos to the soldiers running laps, Toady among them, leaving them to their task. There was no point interrupting them for the sake of my ego, so I was content to see them stomp by in a small cloud of dust as I approached Noire.

She wasn't alone, though. She was focused on her task of firing arrows into the distant targets – and I mean the ones that were practically specks on the horizon even when I was wearing my glasses – and another woman watched from a safe distance, sitting on an upturned crate.

Tilly, one of the few women who had seen fit to sign up and had actually impressed me enough to be in the First Platoon. Not quite a muscular as Sully, but the plain-looking girl's bare arms were still probably about the same level as my own. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and the same dusty old farming pants she wore every day; I'd say out of all of the soldiers she was probably the most excited to be getting uniforms. She was from a poor farming family in the south, so she'd come with nothing except the clothes on her back. Add to this image a short ponytail of bleached blonde hair and tanned skin with just a smattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose, and you had Noire's first friend in this time period. The girls had been inseparable since Noire had announced her plans to shoot for the First Platoon, and Tilly had decided to help her train.

"General, Sir!" Tilly said, starting to wave but then thinking better of it and jumping up to salute.

"At ease, Tilly, we're on break, remember," I grinned, waving her down.

"Yes sir, good morning, sir," she said with a big grin of her own.

I liked the girl. Not quite simple, but having lived a simple life. Kinda like a female Donnel that didn't talk like a redneck.

"How's she doing?" I asked conversationally.

"She's still a better shot that I've ever seen," Tilly replied honestly. "Getting better every day."

"Yeah, but shooting targets is all well and good," I shrugged. "Think she'll take to the battlefield?"

"I hope we never have to find out, sir," Tilly said quietly.

"And that, my dear, is the right answer," I said with another grin.

Tilly smiled in response, and we lapsed into comfortable silence as we waited for Noire to run out of arrows. I already knew that Noire would take well to the battlefield, though; experience made all the difference. Hell, she'd probably keep her cool better than I would. But that didn't mean I couldn't worry about her.

Noire fired off her last arrow before turning to us with a sheepish little look on her face, only meeting my eyes for a moment before looking back to the ground.

"Great work, Dusk!" Tilly announced with an energetic smile. "Getting better every time!"

Noire nodded gratefully, slinging her empty quiver over her shoulder as she approached us.

"Th-thanks…" she mumbled, kneading the leather strap of the quiver with one hand. "I should, I mean, I need t-to…"

"Relax, I'll get em," Tilly offered as she practically tore the quiver off Noire's shoulder. "You just start your training, okay? I'll be back in a jiffy!"

As the farm girl started to run off I called out to her, sighing and shaking my head. "Tilly! What are you forgetting?"

She hesitated, looking back and forth between me and the arrows a few times before I light seemed to appear above her head. "Ah! Right! The flags!" With this announcement she grabbed a large red flag that was lying on the ground and drove it into the soft earth of the range, the bright red 'man on the range' flag flapping lazily in the wind as she took off again.

"That girl is cute, but she's gonna get herself killed," I muttered, coming alongside Noire. "Well, 'Dusk'? Ready for some training?"

Noire nodded, still looking down.

I gave a sigh, crossing my arms. "Okay, out with it. What's eating you? Is it this morning?"

Noire gave a slight nod before speaking. "Y-yes. In… so many ways…"

"So you know you're mother and I aren't in any official kind of relationship, nor will we ever be," I shrugged. "That means, of course, that I'm going to-"

"Blood and thunder, stop! Stop!" Noire screeched, covering her ears with her hands. "I don't want to hear about it! I don't want to think about it! As long as I'm born I don't care!"

She punctuated this tirade with another, slightly softer rendition of a police siren before blushing heavily and wrapping her arms around herself. Unfortunately, I was grinning like a bastard now. I couldn't help it. Now I totally understood why my parents had tried to gross my brothers and me out all the time.

"Sweet mother of Christ, you sound like a majestic fucking eagle," I laughed, unable to hold it in.

Noire hid her face in her hands, the tips of her ears burning bright red as she muttered something about regret and spaghetti.

"What was that?" I pestered.

"Nothing. Let's train."

"Oh, now I'm curious."

"I-it was nothing!"

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much!"

"No! No, dad, stop! Stop!"

During our little exchange I had snuck up on an embarrassed Noire, and was now running my fingers up and down her ribs, mercilessly performing the dreaded tickle attack. Every time her hands came up to block mine my fingers darted around hers, attacking other sensitive areas. Noire howled with laughter, tears starting to leak from the corner of her eyes before she finally conceded defeat.

"A-alright! Alright I give! Bl-blood and thu-under! S-stop!"

"You can keep no secrets from your father! Now out with it."

Noire gave a shuddering breath before looking back up at me. "I… I-I said… uh… 'r-rest in… spaghetti to forgetti my regretti'… It's… just a silly little th-thing I say… it… doesn't really mean anything…"

I gave a little squeal, slowly rising in pitch until I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed Noire by the cheeks. "You. Are. Adorable. If you weren't already mine I would be making you my child right now. So cute! I'ma make three more of you!"

"Oh my gods dad, can we please just go running or something?" Noire groaned, batting my hands aside. "Please tell me no one saw that… Wait… why do you smell like Luce?"

* * *

After training something… odd happened. Not something big, mind you. Something little. Something small that would still go a long way to redefining the delicate power balance among the elite of Ylisstol. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Noire went with Tilly, or more accurately Tilly carried an exhausted Noire, to the Girl's shower block while I, sweaty and riding a runner's high, made my way back to my rooms to bathe in my own buckets. Which was apparently a luxury only important people were afforded, a bucket to wipe themselves down in. I still had about half a barrel of water in my room to clean up with, if Elle hadn't already refilled it. Fire magic was the greatest thing I had ever learned. Being able to instantly heat water in this medieval hellhole was the most convenient thing in existence. You never really think about stuff like hot water and just how amazing it is that to get it all we have to do is turn a knob. And beat the rest of our families to the shower.

I actually managed to jog up the stairs to the officer's quarters, grinning ear to ear. I'd had a good bonding session with Noire as we'd run til she puked, I'd managed to almost forget the unpleasantness with Nowi embarrassing the fuck out of me this morning, so I was feeling pretty good.

Lucina looked up, quickly brushing her hair back over half her face, from the table as I tromped into the space, clearly sitting down to a late lunch. She relaxed, breathing a small sigh of relief as she realized it was just me.

"Sup, Princess?" I asked cheerily. "How was your training? We missed you at breakfast."

"Good afternoon, Ben," she said in response, poking at the food on her plate with a dopey little smile on her face. "I felt the need to begin my training early. I hope I didn't miss too much?"

"No, just the usual scenes of me being embarrassed as hell by all of our acquaintances," I muttered, helping myself to a glass of water.

"Even Laurent?" Lucina asked with a smirk.

"Especially Laurent," I said darkly, draining my cup and setting it back down.

Lucina spluttered before bursting into laughter, holding her stomach as she rocked back and forth. It was a little strange, honestly, seeing her like this. It made me realize that really all she'd wanted from me was a friend. Which meant I'd made the right call last night not trying to kiss her. Good, I'm not as dense as I thought I was…

While she was laughing I leaned forward, snagging a slice of smoked ham off her plate and helping myself. Lucina wiped a tear from her eye, shaking her head before stopping. And leaning forward. And giving me a good sniff.

"Did… did you use my scented soaps?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "I was out. I'm more surprised you're not grilling me about eating off your plate."

"We'll get to that. So… you were out of soap and used mine."

"I'm surprised you can still smell it on me after that workout."

"Well, I can."

"I know, I know, lavender and lilac aren't exactly a good scent on me."

"I'm more concerned that you went into my room to get them."

"It's worse if you know I didn't realize I was out of soap until I was already naked, so I went into your room buck-ass-nude," I said with a grin.

Lucina's eyes went wide and she made an indignant sound halfway between a gasp and a grunt, which honestly just made me laugh even more.

"Hey, you're the one that wanted to be 'friends'. Congratulations, this is what being friends and roommates is like during peace-time," I laughed.

Lucina groaned, resting her face in her hands. "I feel so violated."

"Oh god, it's not like I rubbed my junk on your things," I snickered. "I was discrete. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Just… ask next time," Lucina sighed. "Or at least wear pants."

"Noted," I nodded, taking another bite from the smoked ham I'd poached. "Hey, wait. Didn't I pay for that soap anyway?"

"It is not the fact you used my soap but the invasion of my personal space," Lucina deadpanned.

"Hey, you spent a good year living in the forest and in camps," I shrugged. "You'd think you'd be used to this kind of thing by now."

Lucina opened her mouth to retort, freezing before she said anything though. The sound of heavy footfalls echoed up the stairs and into the common area, and the Princess quickly brushed her hair back into her face. Frederick stepped into the room in his usual cream suit, a decidedly sour look on his face.

"Sup, Fredward?" I asked nonchalantly.

Frederick scowled for a moment before taking a deep breath, clearly restraining himself from throttling me while Chrom wasn't here to see it. In fact, it was quite odd to see the big knight/butler away from Chrom. I actually found myself leaning around him to peer into the hallway to see if Chrom had come, too, but the hall was empty. I felt a shudder run up my spine. Something bad was going down… Frederick cleared his throat uncomfortably, and Lucina and I exchanged a worried glance.

"I… find myself in the unenviable position of needing to ask for your help."

And that was the exact point that hell froze over.

* * *

So it was I found myself being literally dragged through the Ylisstol Palace by Frederick, Lucina following having been caught in our wake. I'd given up kicking and screaming. Frederick wasn't giving in, so I'd resigned myself to whatever lovely bullshittery he had waiting for me here. A few of the maids and chamberlains gave us curious glances, a few of the servants I was friendly with offering my sympathetic looks, but the majority were a hive of ordered chaos preparing for the opening act of what was supposedly going to be a week of religious worship. From where I was attempting to stand as Frederick nearly broke my wrist with the dragging it looked more like a chance for the nobility to compare dick sizes. Again. I just felt bad that Chrom and Sumia were caught up in the middle of this.

And honestly, if Frederick tried to rope me into this I would knife him. I never went anywhere without my trench knives strapped to my back. I could do it. I _would_ do it. So far Lucina had already slapped my free hand away from my knives three times now. God willing she'd miss the fourth. Virion and Olivia were handling this for a reason. Well, two reasons. One was that I _didn't fucking pray_. But the main reason was that this was simply too important for me to fuck up because I didn't know the proper observances. We were trying to make allies out of the church and the more moderate nobles. I did not need to get in the way of that. My being there, with my lack of knowledge and my infamously short fuse, would hurt our efforts more than me being absent.

The fact that I'd rather bum around the barracks in my underwear had absolutely nothing to do with my decision.

As I contemplated simply kicking Lucina's feet out from under her so I could reach for my knives without her stopping me, Frederick hauled my ass into the royal apartments where Chrom, Sumia and Lissa were waiting for us. I finally managed to yank my hand free of Frederick's iron grip, slowing to a halt with Marth behind me looking confused. I just looked pissed. All three of the royals were in full formal wear, Chrom wearing a suit very similar to the one I had worn to the victory party, but in shades of blue. Sumia and Lissa wore, to my mind, ridiculously over-adorned dresses, both women looking like they were about to faint under the corsets and frilligé.

"I'ma say this once," I said, rubbing at my chaffed wrist. "No, I have not changed my mind, and I'm not going to whatever… this is."

"Good, because we don't want you to," Chrom said with a grin. "Yet, anyway. Oh and ladies? Looks like Marth volunteered."

Before the Prince could continue Lissa and Sumia stepped forward, each grabbing one of Lucina's arms and dragging her into one of the adjoining dressing rooms.

"W-wait, where are you-" Lucina began, a note of abject terror in her voice.

"Cordelia's in the honor guard as the Commander of the Pegasus Knights, so we need another body for the procession," Sumia stated matter of factly. "I should have a dress that will fit you with a little tailoring."

"N-no! I cannot-"

"It's not so bad," Lissa soothed. "Just do what I do and sneak out once the party starts!"

"She can sneak out," Sumia said with a glare. "You have to stay."

"But this corset is so uncomfortable!" Lissa groaned. "How are we supposed to eat in these!?"

"We're not," Sumia said tiredly. "We only nibble, like proper ladies. My handmaids will prepare proper meals for us afterwards."

"Being proper ladies sucks," Lissa whined. "How does Maribelle do this every day!?"

"No! I cannot!" Lucina persisted, her desperate eye meeting mine. "Ben! Ben, help me please! Don't let them-"

Whatever else she was going to say was cut off as Sumia's handmaids closed the door behind them, and I offered her a silent wish of good luck as I smiled and waved goodbye.

Better her than me.

"So, anyway," Chrom said. "We're all going to be at the banquet all evening, and the staff is still a little thin since that… incident with the assassins a few years ago. And the nurses have all returned home for the holidays."

"And this is my problem because…" I prompted.

"We need someone to watch little Lucina," Chrom said.

I quirked an eyebrow but shrugged after a moment. "Okay. Sure, whatever. Did we really have to make such a big deal out of this?"

"Have you ever cared for an infant before?" Frederick asked, appearing at Chrom's side suddenly with a large bag in his arms.

"Yes," I deadpanned, "and either way it'll only be for a few hours, right?"

"We'll send Frederick to come and get her as soon as the night's festivities are over," Chrom said, relief evident in his tone. "No later than tomorrow morning. Really, though, I was worried when Sumia suggested you take her. It's good to see her Godfather can step up."

"Wow, you're talkin' like I'm a totally inept human being," I said, feigning shock.

Frederick just sighed, a vein in his forehead throbbing as he shoved the bag into my arms. "These are the essentials you will require for this evening. Inside you will find some food mixtures that will suffice for her until Lady Sumia can feed her. There are also several diapers, cloths for cleaning, a blanket for her in case she gets cold, and some of her favorite toys. You will ensure that her feet remain warm at all times, and that she does not cry for more than a few minutes-"

"Frederick, Frederick, for fuck's sake, stop," I said, placing the bag on the ground. "I've dealt with kids before. Sheesh. Just bring me the squirt and we'll get out of your hair."

My statement was punctuated by a shriek from Marth in the changing room, bringing an evil grin to my face.

"You will refer to her as Princess or Lady Lucina at all times," the big Knight said, his tone lowering as he stepped into my face. "And may the gods above have mercy on you if her first words are any of your foul language."

With that he spun and stomped off, Chrom and I watching him go. I flipped him off for good measure. I'm still an immature man-child.

"You'd think she was his kid," I commented.

"Yes, Frederick takes his role as Nanny very… seriously," Chrom sighed. "We do appreciate you doing this, though."

"Not like I had anything better to do," I shrugged. "You care if I bring her back to the barracks?"

"Er… not really," Chrom said slowly. "Why?"

"Reinforcements," I explained. "Elle's there, and she's got a bunch of younger siblings apparently. Plus, a bunch of the soldiers are still there, and a lot of them are parents. And Bertha, pretty sure she's a grandma now. I figure it'd be better to have their knowledge within easy reach and not need it than for something to go wrong here alone in the palace. Plus Bertha's cooking tonight. You've had her food. I don't care what your palace chefs are doing, nothing compares to her eats."

"You make a good point," Chrom conceded. "About the extra hands, at any rate. Do you want me to prepare an honor guard?"

The idea wasn't a bad one. I hadn't heard anything recently, but there were always opportunistic assassins or kidnappers trying to make a quick buck off royalty.

"Nah, too conspicuous," I waved him off. "If someone's actually trying to get at her the honor guard will be a dead giveaway. Maybe have one or two plain-clothes shadow me. Should be more than enough. Because, really, who's going to expect the Prince's idiot tactician of playing babysitter?"

"Very well, although it still irks me that you give yourself so little credit," Chrom nodded, waving off one of the waiting stewards to prepare my shadow.

"Nyeh. Gotta keep up appearances. So… out of curiosity, what _are_ they doing to Marth?" I couldn't resist asking.

"Fitting her for a dress," Chrom said, his eyes glazing and taking on a far-away quality.

I nodded, placing a comforting hand on the man's shoulder. His was the gaze of a man that had been through hell these last few days.

Chrom turned to face me, a questioning furrow to his brow.

"Why do you smell so nice?"

I snorted. "Sorry, big guy, but I'm not into dudes."

Chrom turned bright red up to his ears, taking a big step away from me and spluttering.

Oh it was worth getting dragged out here just to see the look on his face.

* * *

So it was an hour and a half later that I returned to the barracks, burdened with a wee baby Lucina and Frederick's bag of shit, most of which I knew for a fact wouldn't get used. Lucky for me baby Lucina was a terribly well-natured child, unlike her future self. She'd been totally chill the entire walk over, gurgling and bubbling happily as I sweated and strained with her stuff.

I glanced down at the baby, quirking one eyebrow as I set down the bag of junk on the step of the barracks. "How you grow up to be such a bitch…"

The tiny girl in my arms just laughed, reaching up for my beard. Pulling on it had become something of a game for her. Fortunately she couldn't quite muster enough strength to do more than annoy me, so I usually let it slide. Hell, it was almost kinda cute. I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that fawns over kids, but I was hoping with me in her life this version of Lucina would grow up to be a little less of a stick in the mud.

Of course, if adult-Lucina ever yanked on my beard I may just stab her…

I kicked open the door to the barracks, shuffling inside after pausing just long enough to wave the 'all clear' signal to the plain-clothes that Chrom had guarding me. No doubt they'd hang around now until Frederick picked me up, but I figured it was a kindness to at least give them the chance to go do other shit.

Elle came rushing up to greet me, not even getting a word out before I shoved the heavy bag into her thin arms.

"Here, this, upstairs, now," I grunted, internally cursing Frederick.

How parents could be bothered carrying this crap around all the time…

Elle just froze in place, mouth gaping as she stared at the child in my arms.

"She's not mine, I'm babysitting," I said, rolling my eyes. "Now are you gonna bring that shit upstairs or am I gonna have to plant my boot in your arse to make you?"

"Y-yes, milord!" Elle squeaked, disappearing up the nearby stairs just as fast as I ever saw Lon'qu move.

"Now what do I do with you?" I muttered aloud, glancing down at the bundle in my arms.

Baby-Lucina was no help, just blinking up at me without any forthcoming answer.

"Wanna meet the guys?" I asked, beginning to walk towards the mess hall. "Well, hope you're feeling sociable, because that's what we're doing. It's dinner time, and I'm hungry. Actually, shit, remind me to send Elle back upstairs to get one of your dinners."

Yes, I am aware that conversing with a baby is akin to conversing with oneself. But I did have a bad habit of talking to myself. This honestly felt slightly less weird. Okay, less weird for me. I'm pretty sure baby-Lucina was a little weirded out having someone swear so nonchalantly at her for the first time in her short life.

We came out into the cavernous mess hall, seemingly even bigger for how empty it was. The vast majority of the men had gone home and… wait… how many men were even in the army at this stage!? I'd have to get Robin to do a head-count or something for me.

It looked like there were about twenty people from all three regiments, all told, still hanging around right now. All of them were sitting at the long table closest to the kitchen, where I knew for a fact Bertha was making dinner. I knew because she'd turned down my leave offer for the week. Something about being needed here rather than at home. I guess when your kids are old enough to feed themselves you find other hungry mouths to feed.

"General! Sir!" Toady called out in greeting.

All eyes present turned to me, including Robin and Ricken, who were amongst the men. I approached the table stone-faced, ignoring the silent, questioning looks the men and women were giving me.

"Oh, Ben, if you wanted a child you didn't have to kidnap one," Robin sighed, a grin on her face.

"And for that crack you get to hold this for me," I deadpanned, gently shoving baby-Lucina into Robin's arms. "Support the head and you'll figure out the rest. What's for dinner?"

The tactician looked genuinely shocked, speechlessly trying to figure out the best way to hold the child as I stretched my tired arms. Baby-Lucina made an odd crooning sound, but quietened down once Robin figured out how to cradle her. To be fair, though, if Robin held me to her boobs I'd shut up quick, too.

I grinned over my shoulder at the, for once mercifully silent, woman as I sunk onto the bench seat between Toady and Sammy, both men scooting over to make space. Toady leaned back, though, giving me a quick sniff.

"Why do you smell like a girl?" the man asked.

"I asked him that this morning and he wouldn't tell me, either," Ricken chimed in.

"We can all smell like gunpowder and alcohol," I shrugged without missing a beat.

"Ben, take her back!" Robin called softly.

"What's dinner?" I asked, pointedly ignoring Robin.

"Bertha wouldn't say," Sammy shrugged, resting his chin on his hand.

Sammy was an older man, probably closer to my age than the others, a few years my senior. He'd been a member of the town militia in whatever little backwater he'd crawled out of, so he'd instantly been fast-tracked to the First where I'd made him a Sergeant. He had two kids that I knew of, a small farm, and a wet, juddering laugh that made you think of a flooded car. And a thick black moustache and neatly trimmed salt-and-pepper hair. Nice guy, though.

"Ben!" Robin called more desperately. "I'm not comfortable with this!"

Baby-Lucina fidgeted, clearly picking up on Robin's discomfort and not knowing what to make of it, sounds of discontent coming from the little baby-shaped bundle.

"So sit down and relax or you'll freak her out," I advised.

"You're really being a prick to her today," Toady pointed out conversationally.

"She knows what she did," I said with an evil grin.

Fortunately for Robin Bertha chose that moment to make her entrance, all two hundred pounds of frizzy-red-haired matronly authority wrapped in a stained apron and barreling towards the table with a platter of fowl pies. Fucking medieval European food…

She set down the platter with a huff, dusting off her hands and looking questioningly at Robin. "Who's this?" she asked, an odd motherly tone reverberating through her voice.

"C'mon, Bertha, that's Robin," I laughed, reaching for a pie. "You know Robin; my tactician? Come on, you're not that old yet."

They just weren't the same as the meat pies back home. For one, you didn't eat the shell. Oh no. We'd be using these shells over and over for the next week. You ate the top and the insides and then Bertha would reuse the shells as bowls, basically, to serve us fowl pies or whatever else until about a week from now she broke them all down for bread pudding. I was actually kinda looking forward to that part, Bertha's bread pudding kicked ass… The insides were different, too. No ground beef and gravy, fuck no. Chicken, quail and pigeon if you asked. Mystery birds I'm pretty sure had been caught by the stray cats and then stolen from their feline mouths if you didn't ask. Parts of a rooster I didn't know it was safe to eat, whole-ass legs, giblets, and a couple of bits of meat – god forbid I get a chunk of chicken breast – in a weak, saucy gravy. Add to that peas, carrots and whatever other veggies that Bertha could get her hands on at the time and that would be what we were about to be fed for the rest of the week.

The older woman huffed, whisking baby-Lucina out of a very relieved Robin's arms and bouncing her a little against her breast. Lucina giggled happily at the attention, Bertha cooing down at her as Robin darted away from the child.

"No, you arrogant little twerp," Bertha sighed. "I know who Robin is. If you've half a brain in that bald head of yours she'll be your future wife. I meant, who's the baby?"

"Yeah, General, sir," Toady piped up. "She yours? Knew it was only a matter of time, given the stories about you."

"I didn't know you were a father, sir," Sammy said curiously.

"I'm not, I'm babysitting while apparently literally everyone more qualified is busy," I sighed. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my goddaughter, Crown Princess Lucina, daughter of the Exalt."

The silence that met my statement was deafening.

"You mean… I'm holding the Princess?" Bertha asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.

"Ah-yep," I said disinterestedly, grinning at a very unhappy looking Robin.

"You brought… the Princess of all of Ylisse… here," Toady went to confirm, bemusement in his face.

"Yes, god, fuck," I groaned. "Why is that such a big deal!? I don't know how to deal with kids, but I know for a fact that about half of you do. Case in point, the way Lucina instantly shut up when Bertha took her. There is always method to my madness. Now all of you stop goggling like a bunch of slack jawed, limp dicked fuck-boys and eat before Bertha's cooking gets cold."

My insult seemed to snap everyone back to reality, the men all seeming to shrug and take the surprising happenings in stride. Robin glared weakly at me as she sunk into a seat across from me, and I gave her my mega-watt smile in return. Sammy scooted aside, allowing Bertha space to sit on the bench seat next to me with Lucina, the older woman still clearly a little shell-shocked but wary of upsetting the baby all the same. Conversation resumed, and I grinned at the familiar tone as we ate.

"He had the right idea bringing the babe here, given how many bastards you have!"

"Yeah, what's your count up to now?"

"Dunno, how many has your wife popped out? I'm sure one of em's probably mine."

"Shouldn't we… try to behave around the Princess?"

"She can't understand us, don't worry."

"Cute kid. You can already tell she'll grow up to be a beauty."

"Too bad she's way out of our strike-zone, huh!?"

"Argh! Bertha, pull the talons off the feet first! I just cut my tongue!"

"How're your kids doing, anyway?"

"Probably pissed their father couldn't come home for the holiday."

"Why do you think we're all still here!?"

I loved this. The laughter, the camaraderie, the relaxed atmosphere. No offense to Chrom and the others, but this was the very reason I'd moved into the barracks personally. It was like the Shepherds, but on a much grander scale. And when the mess hall was full to capacity? It was amazing.

Elle reappeared at some point, darting off again when I gave her instructions to bring down food for Lucina from Frederick's bag of goodies. Bertha stood after she left, gently handing a laughing baby back to me and habitually dusting her apron again.

"I have to get back into the kitchen," she said, almost sadly.

"Well hurry up and get back out here, she's quietest when you hold her," I grinned, settling Lucina in my arms. "Aren't you? You like red-heads, too, don't you… yes you-Ack! AHHHHH! Feck."

I'd been bouncing Lucina a little as I spoke to her, a smiling Bertha already retreating, when the little bundle in my arms burped. And proceeded to puke up my arm and on my shirt. Raucous laugher met my muted curse, most of the men outright ignoring the scene that was probably so normal to them it wasn't worth acknowledging. I sighed, passing baby-Lucina off to Sammy and shaking my head.

"Here, you're probably the next best candidate after Bertha," I sighed. "Just hold onto her until Elle gets here and she can feed her. I'ma go clean up and find a clean shirt."

"Right you are, General, sir," Sammy said, the rough older man accepting the baby with a small grin beneath his moustache.

I sighed out my nose, wiping the baby spit-up off the back of my arm onto my shirt. It was already dirty, it didn't make much difference. Babies puked. They shit, they pissed themselves, and they puked. It was a fact of life. At least she hadn't thrown up on my face.

I stopped Elle in the hallway, holding up my soiled sleeve and frowning to forestall her question about what I was doing. She had a jar of odd, milky orange paste in one hand. "Better water it down or something, kid's pukey."

"Of course, milord," Elle said with a nod, continuing past me.

She seemed oddly excited about getting to feed the Princess. Then again, the guys all seemed to be pretty excited over the kid, too. I didn't get it, I'll admit it, but I was never really one of those royal family fanboys back home, either.

I tromped up the stairs to the important officers' quarters with an all-to-familiar sigh, already unbuttoning my shirt and pulling it off. I gave my arm a cursory sniff under where she'd puked on it, making sure that there wasn't any lingering stink or anything, before stepping into my room and tossing the soiled shirt onto the pile of laundry Elle would be getting to the next day. I honestly half-expected to find Nowi lounging around in my bed naked again, but the smarter part of my brain (as in the one on my shoulders rather than the one between my legs) reminded me that Anna had invited the manakete to join her and a few of the other girls at whatever thing Chrom was stuck overseeing that evening. Which, by my reckoning, would probably be coming out of the opening act and starting in full swing soon. I'd heard the man give speeches before, it never took long.

I decided to go with a more casual shirt than I'd been wearing, one of the rougher linen ones I used for training and bumming around in, pulled it on over my head and rolled up my sleeves. Then, as I stepped back into the common room, something I spotted brought me up short.

Lucina, adult-Lucina, stood panting, red faced and glaring at me, doubled over and wearing possibly one of the most ridiculous dresses I'd ever seen in my life. An abomination of frills, lace and petticoats in the same manner as the ones Lissa and Sumia had been wearing earlier. Of course I couldn't tell her how stupid she looked…

"Lookin' good, Luce," I said with an easy grin. It was a grin. It wasn't a smirk, I swear.

"Shut up," she gasped, out of breath. A pair of heels hung from one hand, the other on her chest as she tried to catch her breath. She must have run the entire way from the palace to be this winded.

"Where am I!?"

"Er… in our common room?" I said slowly.

"Not me-me, this timeline's me!" she snapped, finally drawing herself up.

I winced, looking at her waist. No wonder she was out of breath with her middle cinched that tight. I was amazed she could even breathe.

"She's downstairs," I said calmingly. "With actual, accomplished parents and people we both trust, okay? She's fine, so why don't you calm down?"

Lucina nodded, her face relaxing before she let out a groan. "I need to get out of this dress."

"I can help," I said, quirking my eyebrow and grinning.

"Don't start," Lucina warned.

"I'm not hitting on you, I'm genuinely offering," I laughed. "I don't think either of us really knows how to deal with this… this. At least let me undo the corset before you pass out."

Lucina glared at me for a moment, making sure to brush the hair out of her hidden eye to really get the implied threat across, before nodding and ushering me into her room.

I'd seen it that morning, but her room was basically a reflection of her personality. Spotless, organized, not a thing out of place. A soldier's room. Yet still, under the smells of weapon's polish and leather there was an underlying scent of femininity. Lavender and lilac. It made her seem all the more human.

"Okay, help me get this stupid thing off, I can hardly move let alone breathe," Lucina groused, bunching up the layers of her skirt and pulling upwards.

"Stop, stop, there's buttons on the back," I sighed.

And we set to work, Lucina complaining the whole time. I undid the buttons at the back of her neck and we pulled the first layer off over her head, Lucina sighing and wheeling her arms now she was free of one oppressive layer. Then came the joyous moment of undoing her corset, which is a lot harder than unlacing a shoe, let me tell you. It took a good ten minutes, and when I was finally done and we pulled that over her head, too, she let out a euphoric moan that bordered on orgasmic.

"Oh that is so much better," she groaned, taking a deep breath.

I nodded, tossing the vile garment aside and stepping back. "I'm sure you can manage the rest. I'll be right outside if you need me."

Lucina nodded, already fiddling with the latches at the side of the stupid cage thing beneath the petticoats around her waist. "Yes, thank you Ben. Leave the door open, though."

I left the room, leaning with my arms crossed against the wall beside her door and listened in silence to the soft curses and grunts of her trying to get such ridiculous clothing off.

"I made sure Bertha saved you dinner," I told her. "Fowl pie. It was actually pretty good."

"Bertha's cooking is always good," Lucina called back.

"Okay, sure, but the whole 'whole bird's feet' thing still grosses me out a little."

"Did she clip the talons this time?"

"Apparently not. I wasn't game to find out myself."

"Oh they are not that bad. Do not be so picky. Having food like this now almost makes me feel guilty after the rationing in the future."

"No offense, but eating whole birds' feet still feels like rationing to me."

"Do not… ah how do I get this thing… there we go… do not be so picky. You're worse than a child! What did you do with them in your world, then?"

"Probably ground them up to make chicken nuggets," I smirked.

There was another relieved sigh from Lucina's room, punctuated by the sound of cloth hitting the floor. "Just so you know, if you peek now I'll kill you."

"Thought hadn't crossed my mind, but don't tempt me," I said, my voice tinged with laughter. "How was the… uh… what were you conscripted to help with?"

The sounds of Lucina actually dressing this time filtered out to me as she spoke, and I really did have to resist the urge to peek.

"It was a procession that the royal family makes to mark that start of the Holy Week," Lucina said. "They need an odd number of women in the procession."

My curiosity got the better of me, and I leaned to the side, poking my head into the room. And coming face to face with a fully clothed Lucina with a grin on her face.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to help yourself," she said.

I shrugged. "I could hear you were done."

"I'll bet. Thank you for helping me."

"Any chance to undress a woman," I shrugged. "And who knows, maybe I'll get to do it again later."

Lucina quirked a brow. "Oh? Were you planning on assaulting me in my sleep?"

"Nope, but that baby downstairs is technically you, and I'm sure you'll need changing sooner or later."

Lucina's brows shot up and she blushed furiously, stepping closer in a threatening manner as I looked away and held up my hands in surrender. "Relax, Lucina, I was kidding. I have a maid to do that kind of stuff for me."

Lucina just frowned and nodded, still blushing up to the roots of her hair as she stepped back.

"Well, all of this has been outright illuminating. I thought there was something strange about you, 'Marth'. And now I see there is."

We both froze, looking up to see Robin with an inscrutable grin on her face leaning against the wall near the hallway.

"You looked good in the dress by the way, Princess," the tactician added for good measure.

"So you heard everything?" I asked calmly.

Behind me it sounded like Lucina was starting to hyperventilate.

"I heard everything," Robin repeated with a nod, pushing herself off the wall and facing us properly. "And I naturally have a few questions I'd like to ask."

* * *

 **AN: New cover art! The new cover art is courtesy of an artist by the name of Drawing_Pickle, and she is the best.**

 **Sharing is caring. And over-sharing shows just how much I care about you guys. Heh. Been a long time since I talked this much about my junk, but I felt it to be relevant. Also, we're going back to an 'updates when they happen' schedule. Reasons why are on my bio page, this AN is already hella out of control as it is. Also, it shames me that people I actually know read this story. I'M ACTUALLY A DECENT HUMAN BEING, I SWEAR! Do you all remember when this was my side story? Pepridge Farms does.**

 **So with the recent passing of Chris Cornell earlier this year and more recently Linkin Park's Chester Bennington I feel the need to say something. No jokes here, time for real talk. It needs to be said. If you're experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, then please get help. Simple as that. There's a multitude of free crisis counseling hotlines for you to contact, and some will even live chat online, too. Don't suffer alone. The world will not be better off without you in it. There's no shame in needing a helping hand from time to time, so don't be afraid to ask for help. Take it from someone who's been there and come out the other end. It gets better.**

 **Follow me on Twitter! – metalloverCAB**

 **The second episode of the Invisible Ties Audio Drama is live on our YouTube channel** _ **Neckties You Can't See**_ **! Link is on my bio page! Check us out!**

 **And a new announcement! One very dedicated reader by the name of Bullar is translating key parts of Invisible Ties into Chinese! On this very site! If you can read Chinese check it out and let her know how she's doing! Link's in my 'favorite stories' page on my bio.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter the Seventh, or "We all fall down (drunk)"**

I was surprised to find myself somewhat chill as we waited for Elle to round up the others. I sat patiently in the common room, my feet up on one of the coffee tables as I casually flipped through the daily reports from the unit captains. Nothing spectacular going on. A few minor injuries, the usual scrapes and sprains from training. No pain no gain, right? A few of the men had minor cases of dysentery, which we had Libra taking care of. Dumbasses needed to watch what they ate. Now that we had Bertha it shouldn't be a problem anymore, though. Aside from that? Nothing much, except a few of the unit leaders' handwriting was improving. It was nice to see literacy rates among these idiots going up, at the very least. And I say idiots in an endearing fashion.

Likewise, Robin hummed to herself tunelessly as she leafed through her spellbook, marking pages that required re-inking. She actually had a very nice voice. Not surprising, I guess, considering she was basically top-tier-waifu incarnate.

Unlike us, though, Lucina was a panicky mess. She sat next to me, fidgeting and sweating bullets as she played with her hair. I'd never seen the usually oh-so-composed Princess like this before. It had been refreshing at first, but it was getting real old, real fast.

"So what's with the twin-tails?" I asked without looking up from the reports.

Robin responded, a musical lilt still lingering in her voice, also not looking up. "I think they're cute."

"Not to be 'that guy', but aren't you a little old for twintails?"

"Aren't you a little young to be bald?"

"Ah, touché," I said with a grin. "I'm not saying they look bad. I'm just trying to make small-talk before Lucina has an anxiety attack."

The blue haired woman visibly flinched when I said her name, casting me a dirty glare before cautiously eying Robin.

"I think they're cute," Robin repeated with a shrug, clapping her spellbook closed. "You'd look good with them, too, Princess Lucina."

"P-please, do… you don't have to… I…" Lucina stammered.

I sighed, tossing the reports onto the table as I dropped my feet to the floor and sat up.

"Lucina. Relax. Take a deep breath. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise. I'm just not going to explain multiverse theory twice, alright? Breathe. You're not going to pop out of existence, and nothing is going to happen to that baby downstairs. Everything's fine."

Lucina nodded, silently making a study of the floorboards between her feet for a few awkward moments before speaking again. "How do you know?"

"I'm curious as well, actually," Robin chimed in.

"I. Am not. Explaining this. Twice," I repeated for emphasis. "It'll be enough of a pain to get through it once. Suffice to say, nobody's disappearing unless I put a hit out on them. So relax, Luce."

Lucina nodded again, taking a shaky breath as Robin giggled a little to herself.

"It's so cute how close the two of you are!"

I sighed, running a hand down my face as Lucina visibly flinched again, eliciting more laughter out of Robin.

"Okay, so you've discovered our other secret," I sighed theatrically, scooting closer to Lucina and pulling her close by wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "We… are in love!"

"What!?" Lucina shrieked, instantly turning beet-red.

"It's true!" I declared, mimicking Virion. "Not even the boundaries of time and space could come between our love! For we were fated to meet by the very gods themselves! Truly the sun and moon- argh, stop fidgeting!"

"Got off of me you ass!" Lucina cried, red to the tips of her ears.

"Why won't you give my love a chance!?" I fake-bawled. "I would lay down my very life for your love! Truly, tis the heart of- dammit woman stop hitting me!"

Through all this Robin held her stomach, rocking back and forth as she laughed so hard she cried. Of course, Robin was laughing so hard and Lucina resisting my love so much none of us heard the rest of the group, led by a blushing, very confused-looking Elle, arrive until Virion cleared his throat.

"If you have invited us all up here to announce your polyamorous wedding I wish you all the best," the former Duke said with a grin, bouncing baby-Lucina in his arms. He was still wearing a hideously over-stated version of our army's uniform that the man was obviously hoping would catch on as the dress uniform, fresh from whatever celebration he'd been at with the others.

"As if!" Lucina shouted, beaning me in the head and finally escaping my hug.

The others laughed, moving into the room proper as Elle took up position near the door. Virion moved to sit where Lucina had been, as Ricken and Laurent took the other chairs. Noire and Olivia kind of stood around awkwardly, until I got up and indicated Olivia take my seat. She hesitated a moment before the thought of being close to the adorable baby Princess won out. Libra shuffled in, too, his white robes so immaculate they practically shined as he took up position behind the couch. I took one look at him and snickered, thinking in my head _'the beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!'_ at just how bright he seemed right now.

"So, now that we're all here I have an actual announcement to make," I declared, moving to stand where everyone could see me. "Lucina, Noire, Laurent, if you would all be so kind…?"

Laurent and Noire froze, the mage's brow crinkling as my daughter's jaw dropped. Lucina just flinched again, before moving to stand beside me. Just out of arm's reach this time. Hesitantly, the other two got up and stood with me as well, all three wilting under the curious gazes of the others. Noire actually tried to subtly ease behind me, but I grabbed her by the shoulder and yanked her back into view. With an evil grin on my face.

"Well, there's no easy way to say this," I sighed. "But these three are copies from the future, and to ensure the safety and health of their present selves they must all die."

"What!?" Noire and Lucina shrieked in unison.

Laurent just took a big step back from me, reaching for his spellbook.

I grinned, shaking my head. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Just trying to lighten the mood. Luce, show the others your brand and introduce yourself."

Lucina nodded, clearly too shook up to even glare at me as she stepped forward and drew her hair back to expose the brand in her eye. Then we went through the backstory of how she and the others came from the future to avert catastrophe, yadda-yadda-yadda exposition… When she finished, silence reigned in the room, the other Shepherds at a loss. I glanced up, giving Elle a grin that said 'shoulda got out while you could'. To her credit, though, my maid stoically met my gaze, only a hint of confusion in her eyes.

"Wow," Robin breathed finally. "That's… a lot to take in. If nothing else you lot definitely aren't boring…"

"So we fail?" Virion asked softly.

"If we don't get our shit together, yes," I shrugged. "It's why I'm pushing the men in our army so hard. It's why I'm pushing us so hard. There is no third do-over if we fuck this one up."

"We won't, sir," Laurent promised me.

"S-so…" Olivia began, clearly swallowing her nerves. "If Marth is the… the Princess… who are the others?"

"I'm not divulging Laurent's parents," I said, crossing my arms. "That's for him to decide. Noire is mine."

The gaze of every first gen Shepherd, and Elle, all snapped to the timid archer at once. Noire gave a little squeak, darting behind me and hiding behind my shoulder.

"Blood and thunder, dad…" she mumbled.

"I assume, then, that her mother is the lovely lady Tharja?" Virion drawled.

"What gave it away?" I asked with a grin. "Was it the tits? It was the tits, wasn't it?"

"B-blood and thunder, dad!" Noire screamed, slapping me in the back of the head and blushing furiously. She glared at me, her arms wrapped firmly around her boobs as we all laughed.

"I was speaking of the color of her hair, but now that you mention it…" Virion laughed.

"Hey. Eyes to yourself, Ruffles. That's my daughter," I warned, arching a brow.

"And what about you?" Robin asked suddenly.

"What about me?" I repeated.

"Where do you fit into all of this? I specifically heard the Princess mention that you were from another world," Robin said evenly.

I shrugged. "I am. Australia isn't another kingdom, it's a country in another world. And before anyone asks, I got black-out drunk one night and woke up in Ylisse. I have no idea how or why."

"Yes, that does sound like you," Libra chuckled.

"And what, you just decided to up and help us stop an evil dark god?" Robin asked with a smirk.

"I have a sneaking suspicion that said evil dark god is the reason I'm here," I deadpanned. "I'd like to thank him for dragging me to this medieval hell hole by sticking my foot up his draconian ass."

The others laughed, even Elle cracking a small grin by the door as she fought to remain composed like a good maid.

"And how do you know… that we won't cease to exist," Lucina asked suddenly.

"Yes, I find myself curious, too," Laurent added.

"Okay, here's to hoping I explain this okay," I said with a sigh. "Basically, time is non-linear, as we can all see from the three of you being here. It branches, depending on the choices that people make. When you lot chose to come back in time, you created another branch of the timeline. In the main timeline, you all stayed, or you all died, or something else. But in this timeline, you came back. That's not going to undo anything, and that's not going to make you disappear. You're here now, and any actions you take won't change your original timeline, just this one. Think of it this way. The timeline we're in now is the 'alpha' timeline. Your group is from the 'beta' timeline, just further along it. You didn't so much go back in time as you did jump to another timeline."

"So… everything we do is… for naught?" Lucina asked, crestfallen.

I shook my head. "No, it's not that simple. Think about it this way; by creating a world without Grima, where he and the Grimleal all lose, you're creating a timeline where countless branches, all without Grima, can exist."

"And… our original timeline-" Laurent started.

"Has already burned," Noire cut him off, looking down. "So… there's nothing… nothing we can do about it. Right?"

"Well, you could find a way to go back to your 'beta' timeline with reinforcements," I shrugged. "Or you could power-up and go back yourselves. Hell, we can maybe even awaken Lucina here."

The time travelling Princess sucked in a breath, as if that thought hadn't occurred to her. It had occurred to me, though, and as soon as Chrom did his awakening I was going to make sure Lucina did one as well. Even if I had to tie her up and throw her into Naga's flames myself.

"Time is not immutable," I went on. "However, there's no way to take Grima entirely out of history. He exists. There's no changing that. Even if you went back in time and killed the original Grima before he could do anything, all it would do is create a branch without him much earlier. Or you could unleash a monster a thousand times worse, we just don't know. If you try to think about all the other worlds with him still in them, you'll go mad. There are literally uncountable other worlds and branches. It is impossible to save them all. And hell, thinking logically the majority won't even be destroyed by him. There's countless other extinction-level events that could wipe out humanity. Plagues, comets, war and famine. MTV and social media. Best to focus on what's before you, rather than do your head in thinking about what else is out there."

"Well said," Libra said with a nod.

"I… think I understood that," Ricken said slowly. "So basically, we need to stop Grima to create a world line where he no longer threatens humanity, right?"

"Basically, yeah," I said. "So no one has to worry about poofing out of existence. Okay?"

"How do you have proof of all of this?" Lucina asked.

I quirked a brow, pointing at her and then at the baby Virion was still jealously hoarding much to Olivia's obvious annoyance. "If two of you couldn't exist in the same world then two of you sure as shit couldn't exist in the same room. And I've been talking to the royal physicians. She's in perfect health. Let me make this abundantly clear, Lucina. You and that baby are two totally different people. By coming back in time, you've basically made sure of that yourself. Her father won't have a limp, her kingdom won't suffer, and her world will be safe. Because of you."

Lucina looked down, blushing heavily again as Robin grinned and nudged her with her elbow.

"What… what about Lord Chrom and Lady Sumia? And L-Laurent's parents?" Olivia asked.

This brought me up short. "Uh… Shit. I haven't thought that far ahead yet. Princess? Thoughts?"

"I… feel like I should try to keep my identity a secret," Lucina said after a moment of thought. "At least for a little while longer."

"So there you go," I said seriously. "No more secrets. Not between us, anyway. We're the core of this army. Without all of you I can't do this. I can't protect this world, and I can't go back to my own. So I'm actually glad this all came to light. If this has changed anyone's mind I won't fault you for leaving. But leave now so I have time to fill the gap you make."

There was a moment of silence, Lucina giving me a weird, piercing look. Not quite a glare, but a strange look nonetheless.

Funnily enough, Libra was the first one to break the silence this time. "I will speak to my superiors in the Church once the Holy Week has ended. We will need more support from the War Priests if we hope to achieve your goals."

"Indeed," Virion added. "I believe it may be safe to say that we are all committed to this endeavor. Perhaps even more-so now."

"Did you really think that would scare us off, sir?" Ricken asked with a grin.

Olivia just nodded seriously, her face set firm.

We all turned to glance at Robin, who was sitting deep in thought. She glanced up, ignoring the others and looking me straight in the eye.

"When I asked you if you believed in destiny, you said that we make our own destinies," she said, her soft voice filling the room. "Did you really mean that?"

"Fuck yeah I did," I said with a roguish grin. Or at least what I hoped was a roguish grin. I was kinda nervous here. Out of everyone in this room I needed her the most.

"Truthfully, I've been on the fence about staying here with you all. I just… couldn't figure out any motivation for you to be working so hard that didn't end with a military coup. I didn't want to be part of that. Exalt Chrom and Lady Sumia are good, decent rulers. But… if you're being honest about this," Robin said, standing and offering me her hand, nodding in the direction of Noire and Laurent, "Then let me help you make a future where they don't have to suffer."

I grasped her smaller hand, my grin growing into a full-blown smile. "I couldn't do this without you."

"Oh, I know," Robin snorted. "You'd be dead beneath your paperwork in a week."

I laughed, stepping back and turning my gaze wholly onto Elle. The others all looked up at her, too, as if just realizing she was there.

"Ah! Apologies, Lord, General, sir, was I not supposed to have heard that!?" she squeaked, speaking quickly with downcast eyes.

"Don't repeat it," I said slowly. "And everything's fine. I'm putting my trust in you, Elle. But if you break that trust you won't be able to run from me. You won't be able to hide from me. I'll make you and everyone you love suffer if you leak this information, this I promise you. I'm not some golden hero here. When I finish with you the hell I send you to will look like a vacation spot by comparison."

My maid looked up at me with wide eyes, the blood draining from her face as she gaped like a fish at my threat. Of course, I had no intention of actually following through on that. If any of this got out I sincerely doubt much of anything would happen. Valm was still going to invade, that was inevitable. The worst I could expect was Chrom and Sumia getting pissy because I hid their future daughter from them, maybe a little backlash from the nobility. But she didn't need to know that.

"My lord! I am your maid! Your servant!" Elle said, sounding actually offended. "I live to serve you and your family! I'd never betray the trust you've placed in me! Never!"

"Good answer," I said, breaking into a grin.

To underline my statement baby-Lucina let out a happy cry, followed by the kind of laugh only a happy infant could make. Clearly, someone liked it when I threatened people.

As everyone laughed, Robin drifted closer to me and spoke in a low voice so only I could hear. "Thanks for proving me wrong about you."

I just grinned, enjoying the atmosphere along with her and the rest.

Then what she said sunk in.

"Wait, what, exactly, did you think of me in the first fuckin' place!?"

* * *

And so, life went on. For a few days, anyway. Everyone enjoyed the festive atmosphere that this time of year brought to Ylisse. I, personally, spent the next few days working. I know, I know, blasphemy, right? But Toady was all too excited to show me how he blew shit up. It was impressive, actually. I set him right to work with Laurent and Ricken developing canons we could mount on ships, or even lug around as infantry support if we could get them light enough. I even gave them a big hint, and told them to talk to the Chon'sinians about the black powder they used in their fireworks. All three of the men seemed very, very excited by the prospect of making something to revolutionize the face of warfare in this world. I'd probably just started an arms race, but whatever, I'd deal with the fallout later. I also spent quite a bit of time with my Chon'sinian tutors, namely an old fishmonger's widow named Yu'tsun that smacked me on top of the head every time I mangled their musical language. Old bitch had hands like sandpaper… But, we were making progress with my plans, and when I sent Lucina out to assassinate a bandit leader that became a boss in later levels she didn't even argue. I think he was the asshole that tricked Cynthia into thinking he was Chrom, but it was hard to tell from the reports. I sent Noire along with her as support, and just to test things out I sent a squad from the first platoon with her I'd put together out of the men that had stayed behind, as well as a few scouts from the Chon'sinian group. Sammy was leading it under Lucina, and he seemed just as excited as the others for a taste of some action. May as well test em out while I had the chance, right?

And then, of course because I just couldn't _catch a fucking break_ , Chrom had shown up and said something along the lines of 'mandatory party at Sumia's place. Dress nice, bring beer'.

And the remainder of my break was shot all to shit.

Which is how I found myself in a carriage with Robin, smiling her Cheshire grin, as Toady, wearing a shaved-down version of Virion's dress uniform, drove us to Sumia's parents' manor out in the countryside, Elle sitting outside next to the pyromaniac in her best maid uniform. Just for good measure.

I blew a sigh out my nose, sitting back against the uncomfortable cushions of the carriage and trying not to put my head through the ceiling every time we hit a bump.

Shock absorbers, next thing on my invention list.

I was wearing my pseudo-suit vest-pant-tie combo that I'd made with Elle for the victory celebration. Understated, yet still formal enough to pass Ylissean standards. Apparently Chrom would be wearing something similar. Robin, however, had gone all out and decided on a 'new style' of dress that was becoming popular in Ylisse now. A pretty, understated and modest black evening gown that matched my outfit quite well; one shoulder was bare, the dress' strap covering her other. Yeah, I suck at describing women's clothes. But her hair was down, flowing loosely down her back. Add to that some very subtle makeup and… She looked good. Okay, so she looked stunning, but you could put that woman in rags and she'd still be the most beautiful one in a room.

"Oh, lighten up," she said, her grin only widening. "Free food and free drinks, what do you have to complain about?"

"The last party I got dragged to ended with me head-butting a duke. We don't need a repeat performance," I said, glancing at her from behind my glasses.

I'd opted to wear the spectacles Miriel had crafted for me. One, because I felt like they made me look smarter. Two, and honestly this was the main reason, was to give me extra incentive not to headbutt anyone. I liked these glasses.

"So it's going to be a good night, then," Robin shrugged.

"You really went all out," I said, sitting up.

"A girl has to look her best," she responded coyly before letting out a contented sigh. "Ah, this is nice. I always wondered what it would be like to take a trip with you."

"You mean a vacation or, like, acid?" I asked without thinking. Robin just blinked at me curiously for a moment before I sighed. "It's a drug. A hallucinogen."

"Mmmm, that could be fun too, I guess," Robin said with a slight nod. "But tonight is important. So we both need to behave."

"At least until everyone else is drunk, anyway," I said, leaning back and crossing my arms. "You look good, by the way. I haven't said it yet, but I think I'll be beating suitors off my tactician with a stick tonight."

"Flatterer," Robin said, looking out the paned window and blushing ever-so-slightly.

"Daww, did I make the indomitable tactician blush?" I chuckled.

"And so humble," Robin laughed. "How is it that you haven't found a wife yet?"

"That would require looking for one," I shrugged. "Now, to business. What's this stupid ball about?"

Robin smirked at my weak attempt at changing the subject, but let it pass. "It's a banquet that the parents of the Queen hold every year to mark the original death of Grima. Story goes that the parents of the first Queen-Consort threw the first Exalt's victory party, and it's become a tradition."

I had to hide my own smirk at the thought of Grima's Avatar celebrating the Fell Dragon's death; Robin didn't know what she was yet, so the irony would be lost on her.

"And we have to be there because...?" I prompted.

Robin sighed, leaning forward and straightening my tie and collar. "Because you are a retainer to the Exalt and despite the way you act also a very important person to the Ylissean ruling class. And I'm here to make sure you behave."

"Yeah, good luck," I scoffed as she sat back.

"Seriously," Robin said, her voice pitching lower as she glared at me. "Do not. Fuck. This. Up."

"Did you just say 'fuck'?" I laughed.

"Ben, I'm serious," Robin warned. "We have a lot riding on this evening. Permission to use different nobles' land for training exercises. Supply lines. More troops and support if we need them. Stuff. We. Need. You need to behave because I can't make all those deals alone. I need you and your authority to-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, sheesh," I groaned, letting my head loll backwards. "Lay off already. I promise I'll behave."

"And…" Robin prompted.

"And I won't headbutt, punch or otherwise physically injure any annoying nobility."

"And?"

"And fuck you! What do you want from me!? I promise I won't be the first one shit-faced! There, happy?"

Robin smirked, nodding and crossing her arms. "Not quite what I wanted to hear, but good enough."

"You're a real ball-breaker, you know that?" I frowned.

"Mmm, don't worry, I promise I'll be gentle for the rest of the evening," Robin practically purred.

"I… are you being serious!? There's just no telling with you!" I sighed.

Robin just laughed, the both of us jolting as we came to a stop.

"Last stop, Pretentious Avenue," Toady called through the little slit window. "You folks have fun tonight."

I scoffed a little as Elle hopped down and opened the carriage's door, bowing low. Like I'd actually have fun that evening… it would be torture waiting for everyone else to get plastered enough for me to safely get wrecked. Thinking thoughts of my impending inebriation I stepped out of the carriage onto the cobblestone road at the base of the stairs leading inside, straightening my vest before reaching up to offer Robin a steadying hand. She took the hand with a graceful smile, her entire countenance changed now as we entered 'seen-in-public' mode. Once she stepped down she linked her arm with mine as Elle closed the door behind us, both the maid and the driver seemingly in a great hurry to be literally anywhere else right now as Toady practically sped off to where the other servants were parked.

I'd heard some of the soldiers refer to Sumia as a 'country noble' when they hadn't known I was around. And true her parents' estate was out in the boonies to the east of Ylisstol, but it was still a very, very nice estate. A large walled complex surrounding what appeared to be basically a small town nestled in the forest. We had passed through one of the villages on the way here, and most people seemed to be content enough with the way they were running things. The buildings themselves had obviously been designed to mimic the Ylisstolian architecture, all white stone and plaster and graceful archways. Carefully manicured gardens dotted the grounds, and there was a small orchard I'd glimpsed as I'd rolled my eyes at something Robin had said on our way to the door. No doubt the servants would be housed in wooden buildings hidden at the back of the estate, or at least rough stone rather than the exorbitant effort that had been put into these structures. Clearly, despite being a 'Country Noble', Sumia's family still had money.

Arms linked, Robin and I made our way up the steps towards the festive, lamp-lit interior. There was a line of carriages waiting to disgorge their payload of other nobility behind us already and I didn't want to deal with them. Feel like I could've made a poop joke there, but I was too busy smiling and nodding politely as Robin feigned lady-like indifference. God she looked so hot. Clearly I wasn't the only one that thought that, if the turning heads of the nobility and servants alike were any indication. Hell, even a few women were staring.

We reached the door, the poor schmuck manning the guest list practically falling over himself in his haste to get to us.

"G-good… evening milord, milady," he said, straightening.

"General Ben of Ylisse and the Lady Robin," I said in my best, most 'don't fuck with me' voice.

The man nodded, bowing and ushering us inside. I could see a page darting off, probably to inform the asshole who announces the guests as they arrive who we were. It was strange, actually. It was the first time I'd ever introduced myself as 'Ben of Ylisse'. And it had just come so naturally…

"Well, someone's turning heads tonight," Robin whispered to me.

"So humble," I said, the smirk in my voice not matching the practiced frown on my face.

"I was talking about you," Robin said, not even trying to hide her grin. "You know you clean up nice."

I arched an eyebrow at her before glancing at some of the young, painted-up girls in the entry hall. A pair of them made eye contact before giggling and looking away. Well. Damn. Maybe I would be getting laid that night.

Before I could think any further and lose my carefully constructed scowl, we came out into a brilliantly lit ballroom. Crystal chandeliers hung above an intricately mosaicked floor, tables of what passed for finger food here and booze lining one wall, and tables to sit down and eat at lining the far wall. A band played unobtrusive background music in one corner, no doubts in my mind that they'd crank it once everyone was here and all the drunk assholes decided they wanted to dance. The room was already pretty full, though, nobility laughing and talking and basically just comparing the sizes of their dicks as they pissed away more money than most people under their rule made in their lifetimes. Hell, one plate of the fancy, expensive-looking food would probably cost as much as an entire crate of uniforms. But, there were indeed people, and they all looked up when we entered.

"Presenting the Lord of Tactics, General Ben of Ylisstol and the Lady Robin."

I inwardly cringed as whispers spread like ripples in a pond, Robin and I making a perfectly practiced slow descent to the main floor. Yes, I'd been practicing. Despite all my complaining, I was actually trying to not fuck up that night. Mostly because Robin had used the scary eyes, which were equal parts terrifying and arousing.

We were met at the bottom of the stairs by a smiling Chrom as he pushed his way through the crowd, greeting me with a firm handshake and kissing Robin on the cheeks. "Ben! Robin! Welcome! Fashionably late, huh?"

"Good evening, Chrom," I said, my frown breaking into a small grin. "Nice party."

"Just wait until dessert," the Exalt laughed. "They have one of the best pastry chefs in Ylisse here, and I just can't seem to be able to get him to come to the capital. Come, Sumia's waiting over there with the others."

Then, as we started to walk, Robin linking her arm with mine again, Chrom leaned a little closer so that the crowded nobility couldn't hear him. "I figured I'd better get to you first after last time."

"Oh har, har, har," I muttered back, much to Robin's apparent amusement. "Go keep an eye on Lon'qu. I've already got a babysitter."

"So has he," Chrom said cryptically.

Before I could enquire any further about what, exactly, was minding the surly bastard that still habitually beat the fuck out of me, my question was answered by Lissa's shrill laugh. We pushed through the last of the crowd to a group of mercifully familiar faces, and I felt a little of the tension leaving my shoulders. Lissa was latched onto Lon'qu, laughing at whatever Cordelia had said while the Feroxi man looked wholly uncomfortable in his Ylissean-Ben-chic suit. Cordelia was wearing a stunning dress similar to Robin's, but in a dark grey that made her loose hair even more striking. Sumia leaned up, Chrom giving her a kiss on the cheek as he resumed his place with an arm wrapped around her waist. Both she and Lissa were wearing the full-blown bell shaped dresses that it had taken Lucina and I nearly an hour to get the poor woman out of, but they did both look nice.

There were also a man and a woman I'd never seen before, a few years older than us but not so old that I'd classify them as 'old'. Obviously, judging from the family resemblance on the woman, I'd say this was Sumia's older sister.

Wait. Did Sumia have a sister? Meh. Time to wing it.

"Ben!" Lissa called cheerily, bouncing up to me. "You actually showed up! I can't believe it!"

Robin finally released my arm and moved away slightly as Lissa gave me what I'm guessing was an inappropriately over-familiar hug, given she was the Princess. I glanced at Robin, still lingering close to me. Clearly she had been serious about the whole babysitting me thing.

"You just cost me two silver," Lon'qu muttered, stepping up to shake my hand.

"One would think y'all would've learned not to bet against me by now," I shrugged before grinning. "Nice suit by the way."

"I will stab you."

"You can try."

"Yes, yes, you're both very manly," Cordelia said with a laugh, stepping between the two of us and giving me a quick hug. Lon'qu darted back like she was on fire, though, which was pretty funny. "It's nice to see you out of your barracks for a change."

"I could say the same to you," I shot back. "You look really nice tonight. Apparently I'm not the only one that cleans up well."

Cordelia let out a very girlish giggle, stepping aside so Robin and I could meet with the Exalt and Queen. She'd been doing her own greetings while I'd been preoccupied, and when my tactician had become so close with Lissa and Cordelia I would never know.

"Sumia, lovely place here," I said with a nod. "And I'm guessing this is your… sister? It's a pleasure to meet you."

The sound of Robin face-palming was my first indication I'd fucked up. The low chuckles from my friends was the second. The frown from the man next to Sumia's not-sister was the final one. Fortunately, though, she laughed and elbowed the man in the ribs.

"Did you hear that, dear? I can still pass as her sister."

"Brilliant."

Sumia cleared her throat, stepping forward and losing the war to keep the grin from her face. "Actually, these are my parents. My father, Duke Midland and mother, Lady Eleth."

"Ah. Well. Nice party," I said, my face carefully neutral.

"Thank you, General," Sumia's mom said, still grinning ear to ear.

Clearly I'd made someone's night.

The Duke looked like he was glaring at shit on the side of the road, though.

Meh, one more pissed off Duke to add to the list. At least his wife liked me.

We made small talk for a while, me awkwardly standing aside and eying every tray of drinks that the servants carried past. Every time I reached for one, though, Robin would subtly kick me or step on my foot or something else. We had done this nearly nine times now, and still no one had noticed. She was sneakier than Gaius when she wanted to be. And my foot was starting to throb.

It was then that Virion made his big entrance, blowing into our little group in a cloud of artfully tossed hair and over-powering cologne.

"Ah! Robin, my dear, my heart, you look ravishing tonight," he declared, a hand on his heart.

"Hello, Virion," she said, her voice neutral but her eyes promising impending doom.

A round of pleasantries were exchanged before Virion drifted closer to Robin, leaning closer to us and whispering. "I've got Duke Beford and Duke Hostone all buttered up, my dear. We just need someone to ply their feminine wiles to seal the deal. I'll watch our dear General here."

Robin nodded, politely excusing herself and disappearing into the crowd.

Leaving Virion to take up her place at my side.

Were they actually serious about babysitting me like some kind of obtuse child all night!?

"I know that look on your face," Virion said. "Do not. Behave and I will ensure that an entire cask of ale is waiting in your room."

My carefully schooled fake frown devolved into an ugly, very real frown as I glared up at the archer.

They had been serious.

This wasn't a joke.

They didn't trust me at all.

Looking around I could see the look on Virion's face reflected in the faces of all of my friends, carefully sneaking looks at me and, now that I looked, boxing me in.

Fuck this. This… actually stung.

"I need some air," I growled, pushing past Virion and Cordelia.

* * *

I stepped out of the mansion and onto the grass, walking for where the carriages were all lined up. Judging from the lights and laughter I could already hear from here the servants were having their own party over on the other side of the grounds. As I got closer the sound of music reached my ears, much more fun sounding than the slow, classical crap that had been playing inside.

I had two plates piled high with the fancy, barely-edible food from inside. My excuse to get away was that I was delivering some dinner to my subordinates. Some of the nobility had been impressed by my charitable attitude, but there was no doubt some that were just as turned off by it. I didn't care right now, really. I just couldn't stand being in that hall for another second. Pretentious Avenue indeed…

As I got closer it got warmer, the heat of the bodies and the bonfire spreading out even to this distance. Servants in various house liveries danced in circles around the fire, more of them playing an improvised song on lutes and harps not far away. Some basic food and drink had been provided for them by Duke Midland, and honestly it looked better than the tripe I was holding. Nobody even spared me a glance as I passed through the crowd, such was the atmosphere. People were drinking and smoking and having a genuine good time. I was almost tempted to stay out here.

I found Toady and Elle over near my carriage, which was technically on loan from Chrom but whatever. As I got close a scintillatingly familiar smell that I couldn't quite put my finger on wafted over, like they were burning some sort of incense.

Then I stepped around the corner, and the two of them both looked up and freaked out.

"Oh shit! General, sir, I, uh, we were-"

"Please don't fire me milord I need this job and… and my sister will…"

It was when Elle started to bawl that my eyes widened and I finally placed the smell.

Pot. Weed. Ganja. Marijuana.

Toady had fucking MJ and _that little shit hadn't said a word._

"Elle, stop crying, I actually came to bring you both some dinner," I said, my face perfectly straight. "Trust me, I'm not firing you."

Sniffling, she looked up from between her fingers. "R-really?"

I nodded, carefully handing her the two plates. She accepted, just as carefully, and looked down at them in awe. This was when I rounded on Toady, hauling him up by the collar and slamming him back against the carriage.

"Listen to me you little fucker," I snarled in his face. "I know what you've been smoking. I can smell it. I don't care where you got it. I don't care that you smoke it, and I don't even care that you clearly gave some to Elle. But by whatever god you hold sacred you will give me a hit or I will knife you and fucking take it. Am I clear!?"

"Y-yes, General!" Toady squawked.

I nodded, dropping him. He coughed, rubbing at his throat as he grinned up at me. "Rough night at Pretentious Avenue, huh?"

"You have exactly ten seconds before I make good on my earlier threat," I growled, narrowing my eyes.

Toady nodded quickly, pulling a little pipe out of his jacket's pocket. It was carved from wood, but aside from that I knew exactly how to use it.

"Give me that," I said, snatching it from him. "Weed?"

"Right here, sir," Toady said, offering me up a small clump of dried plant matter.

I snatched that from him too, tapping the pipe against the side of the carriage a few times to make sure it was clear, before stuffing the weed into the opening.

"You, uh, need a light, sir?" Toady asked awkwardly.

I just glared at him, bringing the pipe to my mouth and clicking my fingers. A magic spark danced out, lighting the weed and I took a deep breath. I could literally feel the tension flowing away as that familiar heat flooded into my lungs, and I exhaled a cloud of smoke with a contented sigh. It didn't taste exactly the same as it did back home. Obviously it was a combination of plants, because I could taste some tobacco in there, too. I remembered that 'weed' was a catch-all phrase for anything smoked through a pipe in the early days, so I'd have to ask what exactly was in there.

"You should have told me you had this a month ago," I said, taking another hit before handing the pipe back.

"Wow, sir, uh, I didn't think you were so, uh, into it," Toady said, clearly at a loss.

I let out the rest of my breath, expelling the smoke and leaning back against the carriage. "I'm just as human as everyone else is, Toady. And now I finally feel human again, too."

I sunk to the grass next to the carriage, Toady following me down as he fiddled with the pipe. We both looked up as Elle made a peculiar sucking sound, finding the maid practically inhaling the food off of one of the plates.

I barked out a laugh at her deer in the headlights expression, turning to Toady. "Other plate's yours."

"Aw, you shouldn't have," Toady chuckled, taking a long drag from the pipe.

"They got ale over there?" I asked, jerking my chin in the direction of the fire.

"I can go find out," Toady offered.

"You bring some back and we'll call it even for the food," I grinned.

"And the weed?" Toady asked, grinning just as much.

"You really trying to haggle with your commanding officer?" I asked, arching one brow.

"I'll go get you that ale, sir," Toady said, jumping up.

"Alright! Bring about six" I cheered. "It's time to get wriggity-wriggity-wrecked, son!"

* * *

When Robin finally found me, nearly an hour later, I was stripped down to my waist while Elle kneaded my tense shoulders with her hands. I was feeling much calmer now, thanks to Toady's little herbal remedy.

"You know," Elle said, swaying a little as she spoke. "You wouldn't be so tense if you stretched properly after your training."

"The thing that makes me tense is-"

"General!"

The three of us glanced up at Robin's enraged hiss, shying away from the furious beauty stalking across the grass towards us.

"That. That's what's making me tense."

"Busted," Toady groaned.

"Relax, I got this," I muttered.

I tried to stand, but my legs had fallen asleep. I fell back down onto one knee, silently thanking whatever tailor gods there were that Elle had made these pants out of dark material. Robin just glared at me, coming to a stop and crossing her arms as she did her best Frederick impersonation.

"Didn't I tell you that you had to behave tonight?" she asked frostily.

"Figured it'd be easier to not piss anyone off if I wasn't there," I shrugged, standing unsteadily.

"So you thought it would be a better image for the Exalt's retainer to be outside, sitting in the dark half naked, smoking and drinking with his subordinate and his half-naked maid?"

I quirked my head, glancing around at Elle. She blinked a few times, looking down at where she'd shed the top layer of her blouse, blushing a little as she realized she was standing there in a very thin singlet.

"Aw, Elle, thank you for the meal," I said, clapping my hands together and bowing.

"Dammit, Ben, I need you to sober up!" Robin growled.

"Hey, if I wanted to be sober I wouldn't have gotten fucked up in the first place."

"Get dressed, both of you," Robin sighed. "Then you are going back inside and you are going to mingle with who I tell you to and make a good impression, do you hear me?"

"Did we get married while I wasn't paying attention?" I asked, slowly pulling my shirt back on. "Because all you do is yell at me, and we don't have sex. So when did we get married?"

I made a strangled choking sound as Robin spun me, grabbing me by the collar and yanking me down to her level. It wasn't fat to go, because we were pretty close in height, but I still got yanked. Hard. And not in the good way.

"I'm much scarier than your wife," she hissed, murder in her eyes. "I'm your tactician. And right now you're messing with my plans. You don't want to mess with my plans."

"I am so turned on right now," I said in a low voice.

Of course, my voice rose several octaves as Robin brought her knee up into my balls. Not, ya know, hard enough to drop me. It had been a warning shot.

"Agh, Jesus, woman, message received," I squeaked.

Robin leaned into my neck, giving me a quick sniff before making an irritated groan. "Dammit, how high are you right now?"

"Yes."

"That is not a… dammit don't play with me right now!"

Toady and I snickered as Robin shoved me back, massaging her temples. Elle just looked kind of lost, standing there in her singlet and holding my vest and tie. I smirked at Robin, taking my tie and wrapping it around my collar, tying it perfectly with practiced movements. As I pulled on my vest I grinned at Robin, showing some teeth.

"We can still salvage this," she sighed. "Elle, I'm going to need the perfume from my bag."

My maid squeaked an affirmative, grabbing the small and pungent bottle as I buttoned up the vest. Once she had it Robin dabbed some on her neck and wrists, wiping it off on her dress for good measure before stepping up and rubbing herself all over me.

I did a bad and now I was being rewarded? Stoned Ben was confused.

"There, now people are just going to think we were out here having sex," she said, tossing the perfume back to Elle before messing up her hair a little.

"We still could be, you know," I offered.

"Oh no, not this close to screwing up everything Virion and I have been working at all night," Robin growled, grabbing me by the wrist and beginning to pull me back to the mansion.

"Ooh, I like it when you're all serious- agh, dammit, don't twist the wrist I'm sorry I'll behave!"

Toady sprung forward, and just as I thought he was going to pull me back he pressed something small and hard into my free palm. I grinned over my shoulder at him, pocketing the pipe and giving him the thumbs up.

This night just got a lot more bearable.

* * *

I let out a breath, preparing myself mentally before downing the entire glass of scotch in my hand. It was good stuff, and it was the first hard drink I'd had all night. I sighed, relishing the feeling of the alcohol burning its way down to my stomach before setting the empty glass aside.

I'd just spent the last two hours making the rounds with Robin, and aside from a few knowing grins of people who got close enough to smell her perfume on me, it had all gone 'exactly according to plan'. Which was Robin code for 'mission accomplished'. Chrom and Sumia had retired early, as had Lissa and Lon'qu; apparently they had announced their engagement while I'd been out getting high. I'd congratulate them in the morning. Felt like they were moving a little fast to me, but it was their lives and none of my business. Virion was still around somewhere, working the crowd and using his evil social skills to win us allies. Last I had seen of Cordelia she was talking to a few members of the band, the ones that played the string instruments if I wasn't mistaken. Common interests had to be more interesting than inane nobility small-talk. I'd spotted Frederick and Sully, too, and the sight of Sully in a dress would make me grin and giggle for the rest of my life. I'd had to turn around and get away from them; I'm pretty sure if I'd had to talk to Sully right now I'd burst out laughing and she'd kick my ass in front of everyone. Leaving Robin, who had just gone to 'powder her nose' after making me promise not to move from this spot near the windows on pain of death.

I gave another sigh, picking up the second glass of scotch and sipping much slower this time. It was really good…

"That looks good. Know where a man could get his own glass?"

I glanced up as I was approached by an older man, smiling amicably. A tall, skinny man in a forest green uniform of some noble house stood at his shoulder, lank black hair hanging to his own shoulders. I smirked, feeling like there was a 'green unit' joke I could be making here. The older guy must be a Duke, one of the ones I hadn't met yet. With a knowing grin I reached behind me to where I'd stashed about six more glasses of scotch. The servant had looked a little worried when I'd taken the whole tray from her, but I'd winked and given it back to her empty.

"Here you are, milord," I said, offering him the glass.

He took it with a grateful nod, moving to stand at my shoulder as he took his first sip. "Ah. Midland is a bit of a fop, but at least he knows his liquor. I'm Duke Baham. My friends call me Helman."

I held up my glass in a toast. "Well, here's to you then, Helman."

He smiled, clinking his glass against mine. The Duke was wearing the same colour as his servant, who was hovering attentively nearby, but his clothes were of much higher quality. A few medals decorated his breast, mostly from Emmeryn and Chrom's father if the military look of them was anything to go by; Emmeryn had made a point of not giving out any military awards during her reign, and Chrom hadn't gotten around to it yet.

"Veteran?" I asked, nodding at the medals on his chest.

"Good eye," Helman said with a nod, before taking another sip of his drink. "I served Exalt Roland, Exalt Chrom's father, during the war with Plegia. Sorry, the war before the one your lot fought. I was wounded before the final battle, though, and rotated back home with my men."

This got my attention. Veterans were a scarce thing, given the average life-expectancy here was only about sixty. A rare commodity, and I knew for a fact that none of the men that had signed up were from Baham.

We started drifting towards the open doors of the nearby terrace, the pleasant breeze drawing me in after so long spent in the stuffy ballroom.

"I've heard it was a rough fight," I commented.

"No worse than what you and the Shepherds faced, or so I hear," Helman responded. "I even heard you were wounded yourself."

"Bah, barely a scratch."

The Duke gave a small laugh, eyes taking on the thousand-yard-stare of someone that's seen way too much in his life. He stopped, though, as we stepped out onto the small terrace and his servant followed after us.

"A little privacy please, Jeremiah. Go flirt with some of Midland's servant girls or something."

That tall man nodded, backing into the hall. "Yes, Duke Baham."

The Duke let out a frustrated sigh as his man took up position just inside the door, far enough to give us privacy.

"That boy needs to relax a little…"

"Yeah, I've seen a lot of that tonight," I smirked.

"I was approached by your tactician earlier," the Duke said conversationally as we leaned against the stone railing. "Beautiful woman, that."

"And smarter than anyone else I know," I said quickly. "Puts me to shame, really."

"She shames the Lord of Tactics, who led Ylisse to victory a scant year ago? She must truly be something."

"Oh, she's something alright…"

We lapsed into silence for a few moments, sipping from our respective drinks as I tried desperately to place Baham on a map. I think it was in the north-east corner, close to the border. Lots of mountainous terrain, lots of forests. Perfect land to practice woodland-stealth and survival skills in.

Then it hit me that Robin had probably disappeared so I could close the deal with this guy. Veteran soldier, rough and gruff, he'd probably want to hammer out details with another person like him rather than a beautiful woman.

"Baham is in the mountains to the north, yes?" I opened with.

"Indeed," Helman nodded. "You know your geography."

"I'd be a pretty lousy tactician if I couldn't read a map," I grinned. "It must be nice, though, at this time of year. I'm from a mountainous forest region myself. A little more tropical, but the forest has a sort of ambience no matter where it is, I find."

"Indeed," Helman nodded, a wistful smile parting his grey beard. "You should come and see it. Bring some of the men that your tactician was talking up earlier, too. I'd much like to see them in action."

"Of course," I said. "I'm sure they would love to see the mountains. Well, some of them. I'd personally love to give the city-boys that joined us a chance to see some real nature."

Helman threw back his head and laughed heartily, holding his stomach with one hand as I chuckled along with him.

"Oh yes, you I like," he said, before draining the last of his scotch. "However, I'm not as young as I once was and I fear that I grow weary. Send a messenger when you wish to see Baham, Lord of Tactics. I look forward to hosting you."

I bade the man good night, leaning back against the railing and draining the rest of my own drink as I watched him go. That had been smooth as fuck. Almost like he'd been looking for an excuse to invite me. I had to hand it to Robin, she knew how to work a crowd, her and Virion both.

Speaking of the beautiful, white-haired devil, she passed the Duke as he went back inside, the two exchanging polite nods before she came up to me with wide eyes.

"Yes, yes, relax, he invited us to train on his land," I said, holding up my hands.

"He did?" Robin asked skeptically.

"Uh, yeah? Didn't you plan it that way?" I asked.

She shook her head, sinking to a hip and holding her chin in one hand. "No. No, Virion and I couldn't get near him all night. Virion did at one point, but Duke Baham stonewalled him pretty hard. And you… just got an invitation?"

"Oh, damn, did I exceed your plans?" I asked smugly.

"Don't get cocky," she said, giving my shoulder a light shove as she sighed and leaned against the railing with me. "You did a good job tonight. Despite nearly blowing everything, you really pulled it together at the end. Thank you."

"I should be thanking you," I sighed. "I couldn't have done this without you and Virion, that's for goddamn sure."

"Got to know your strengths," Robin sighed, letting her fingers play with the rim of the glass Duke Baham had left behind. "The men back in Ylisstol, they'll follow you into hell. We just need to make sure they can handle it when they do."

"I'm serious, I couldn't do this without you," I repeated.

"So you keep saying," Robin smirked before letting out a little groan. "Ah, man I'm beat. I need to relax. Think they're still serving drinks?"

I opened my mouth to tell her about the little stash I'd set aside, but as I shifted I felt something move in my pocket.

The pipe. I still had the pipe.

A grin rose to my face.

"Oh, I think I got something that'll help you relax even more."

* * *

 **AN: I... don't actually have an author's note for this one. Thanks for reading, guys and gals.**

 **Check out the Invisible Ties Audio Drama project on YouTube! Check us out on our channel _Neckties You Can't See._ Currently seeking new female talent! You don't even have to be very good or have good equipment, just hit us up and we can work something out. **

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	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter the Eighth, or "Pray-tell, how many of these must begin with I, our illustrious protagonist, being hungover?"**

With a groan I awoke to a familiar sensation I hadn't felt in a while. It was nostalgic in a way, but the novelty wore off pretty damn fast. With a second, longer groan I dragged my leaden arm out from under the sheets and draped it across my face, covering my eyes from the vicious assault of bright, cheery morning sunshine.

Once more, I was hungover.

Despite my promise to myself to stop drinking socially that was technically exactly what I had done last night. Or, well, part of what I had done. Things had gotten a little hazy there at the end. But this had been social drinking against my will, so I gave myself a pass. I'd have to give Toady some coins, too; I'm pretty sure we smoked all his weed.

I was in a well-appointed room; not as fancy as what I was used to in the palace, but still nicer than my room in the barracks. This was kind of a mid-point between the extravagant opulence of the palace and the purposeful austerity of the barracks. Plastered walls rather than rough wood, with simple wallpaper patterns and a dull, inoffensive beige colour-scheme. An open window allowed the brisk morning wind to blow through, cool as it was now beginning to get a little later in the year. The cool air honestly felt pretty good, calming the dull ache behind my eyes as my brain punished me for recklessly assaulting my liver so the previous evening.

I sighed, moving my hand off my eyes just a little to test the waters. Fortunately it appeared that I wasn't _that_ hungover.

I was, however, naked.

With another sigh I rolled my eyes, thinking 'not like this has never happened before…', and moving to sit up. Only to realize that while I was not wearing clothes I was also not alone. And I was also not the only one naked.

Robin gave an irritated groan of her own as I moved, nuzzling further into my shoulder as she tried to maintain her state of sleep, only to snort and glance up. Her hair was a mess, a few strands stuck to the drool coming from the corner of her mouth as she blinked her bleary eyes clear. I tried very, very hard not to let my eyes wander to her perfect chest.

I failed miserably.

"Ugh, your chest hair tickles," she groaned.

Blinking a few more times, she seemed to finally register where she was, in what state of dress, and who with. In that order.

"Good… morning?" I said hesitantly as my brain worked in overtime to try and figure out the situation.

Fact number one: I was hungover, and most of the latter half of the evening was a blur.

Fact number two: I was naked.

Fact number three: Robin, one of the literal most attractive women I knew, was lying snuggled up to me, also naked.

It took a few seconds of us looking at each other, direct eye contact, for things to really sink in. It wasn't until my eyes, against my will and better judgement, flicked to Robin's chest again that the spell was broken.

"Oh gods," Robin groaned, rolling off of me, blushing up to her roots and burying her head in the pillow near my shoulder.

"Aw, what the fuck?" I groaned, running my hands down my face. Or trying to, anyway, and succeeding with only one hand as the other flailed about uselessly, still numb from where Robin had been sleeping on it.

"Why are we naked!?" Robin asked, her voice muffled by the pillow she was currently buried in.

"The hell'm I supposed to know?" I sighed. "I don't remember half of last night."

"Neither do I," she admitted, turning her head from the pillow just enough to cast me a sidelong glance.

"So… did we…?" I trailed off, quirking my eyebrow.

"Oh gods," Robin groaned again, louder this time.

"Hey, fuck you, I've been told I'm pretty good," I said, a smirk on my face.

"I didn't want to sleep with my boss!" Robin protested.

"We haven't actually verified that we did bone," I pointed out.

Robin seemed to perk up a bit at that. She must have been hungover as hell, because usually she was more on the ball than this. One of her hands snaked its way back under the covers as she lifted her hips a little, and after a little rummaging she let out a relieved sigh.

"No, I don't think we did have… ah… that."

"What? The sex?" I asked mockingly.

"How you have gotten anyone to sleep with you…" Robin muttered, relaxing into her pillow now.

"I know, it boggles the mind. But that still begs the question," I said, resting my hands behind my head. "Why are we naked in the same bed?"

"I don't know," Robin moaned. "I can't believe I'm naked in bed with you…"

"I can't believe I spent all night cuddling with you and I didn't even cop a feel," I smirked at the ceiling. "Well, okay, maybe one…"

"You ass," Robin snapped without energy. "Ugh. My head feels like it's… uh… can't brain. Ow."

"You, my dear, are hungover," I said sagely, tilting my head a little to glance at her.

And being rewarded for my wisdom with a pillow in my face.

"Don't look at me!"

"Too late. Nice tits, by the way."

"You asshole! Do you have no delicacy!?"

"We're naked in a bed together. I'd say the time for delicacy is long past."

"Ugh. I *urk* hate you…"

"Will you relax before you puke?"

I laughed, pulling the pillow out of Robin's hangover-weakened grasp and she moaned again, flopping down on top of my chest.

"I don't even care anymore," she groaned piteously. "Just give me something I can kill myself with and end this torment!"

"You're so cute when you're pathetic like this."

"You're lucky you're really comfy," she muttered, turning a half-hearted glare on my smirking face. "You know, I can cast magic without my tome. Don't push me."

"Consider it 'skinship', then," I said, giving a half-shrug so I didn't jostle her around too much.

"I don't know what that means," she muttered, closing her eyes and resting her head against my chest again.

"Easiest way to describe it is intimate, non-sexual touching between close platonic friends," I explained. "When I still had hair I'd get my female friends to play with it because my girlfriend at the time wouldn't. Like that, ya know?"

Robin gave a lazy grunt, not opening her eyes as her legs wrapped around one of mine. "Doesn't get much more intimate than this… you're really warm, you know that?"

"So I've been told. How long do you intend to laze about, anyway?" I asked.

"I dunno. Never been this hungover before," Robin mumbled. She tried cracking her eyes, only to hiss and scrunch them closed again. "Maybe when the ceiling stops being so bright. Do you think I can kill the ceiling?"

"The ceiling is not a worthy opponent. It is a ceiling," I advised, struggling to keep a straight face.

"I want breakfast," Robin groaned, doing her best to hide her face in my chest. "Ben, feed me."

"With what? I'm not exactly lactating."

"Ew. Gross. Go get food."

"I'd have to get up."

Robin paused at that, letting out a mewling little cry as she struggled with the prospect of eating or keeping her pillow. After a few moments of rare indecision on her part she shifted off of me, the feeling of skin-against-skin contact threatening to make me blush. Among other physiological reactions.

"Breakfast," she managed, curling up into a ball and stealing all of the covers, leaving me naked in the cool morning air as incentive.

Crafty woman, she was.

* * *

Only semi-conscious I managed to dress and then drag myself down to the kitchens. I assume that most nobles had a plethora of servants to do this kind of shit for them, but my servants had gotten just as fucked up as me last night, so I figured I'd just save time and grief and do it myself.

I had to stop at one point and offer a prayer that Elle hadn't gotten drunk enough to let Toady slime his way into her panties, but continued on as if nothing were amiss afterwards. That was the last thing I needed, my one maid and sole caregiver pregnant before her twenty-first birthday…

My vision was kind of all over the place, too; comes from drinking all night. I considered for a while turning back to get my glasses, but it didn't really start bugging me until I'd just about made it to the kitchens, anyway. Thank god these villas all followed the same construction plans. They were like the forts in WoW, just nicer and actually real.

I passed by what I assumed were other visiting nobility's servants, blurs of colour and liveries that I couldn't make out in my current post-inebriated state. It really wasn't worth the effort anyway. But it did make me think maybe I should get some fancy livery made up for Elle. I mean, she was my entire household at this point. Bertha 'technically' worked for me, but I'd set her loose on the Third Platoon, much to Olivia's combined relief and terror. So then… who else did I have?

My thoughts were thankfully interrupted as I came out into the mostly-deserted kitchen, the scents of fire and fresh bread wafting over me and causing my arse-hole to cave in. All of a sudden I was ravenous.

A familiar-looking blur was hunched over a cool-box near the floor, and after a moment of admiring a very shapely ass I realized it was Sumia. Or possibly her hot mom. But probably Sumia. I couldn't see her mother in a kitchen, slaving over a hot stove for her man. Although, to be fair, I couldn't well see anything right now.

"Oh my god you would not believe the night I had after that party," I said by way of greeting, leaning against the nearby counter. "Robin is so hung over. It's adorable."

The woman I thought was Sumia grunted something from inside the cool-box, making me wonder who I was talking to.

"Sumia? I'm not wearing my glasses. Please tell me that's you and not your hot mom. Sumia? Sumia, c'mon. Ima start dropping spoilers for my serial soon."

With an irritated huff Sumia rose up, casting me a withering glare. "Yes, it's me, don't spoil anything! And don't let my father hear you talk about my mother that way."

I just grinned at her, crossing my arms. "Good morning to you, too. Making breakfast? Mind making a little extra for Robin? She could kinda use it."

Sumia just rolled her eyes, a hint of a grin pricking at the corners of her lips. "Yes, fine, I don't mind. How is she?"

Sumia instantly set to work frying up some bacon in a pan over an old wood stove. I watched her for a moment before responding, relishing in the mundane domesticated feeling while I could. Surprisingly, I missed it.

"Well, she wanted to blow up the ceiling for being too bright, so not great," I shrugged. "We also woke up naked in the same bed, but for the life of us can't figure out why. There was no sex, so we just can't figure it out…"

Sumia flinched, her shoulders quivering as she desperately tried to stifle her laughter. I quirked a brow, frowning. "Something you're not telling me?"

"No, no, nothing," she snickered. "You must have just heard the visiting soldiers complaining about having to huddle together for warmth while marching during the colder months."

There was a beat while my hung over brain processed this, numerous responses flashing through my brain before I settled on "Grown-ass men huddle together naked? Ew. I'd rather freeze to death."

"Not all men are covered in fur," Sumia said, a note of teasing in her voice. "Besides, they usually wear their smallclothes. Or so I've been told."

"Uh huh. Sure. I bet you've never 'shared warmth' with Cordelia, huh?" I deadpanned, narrowing my eyes.

Now there was a mental image…

Sumia spluttered before laughing, shaking her head as she moved the bacon around the pan.

"I'll never tell," she said, offering me a wink over her shoulder.

I would have been curious as to where Sumia got this newfound confidence from, if she hadn't been blushing the colour of the bacon she was frying when she turned away from me again. It was cute that she was trying so hard to be less of an 'innocent maiden' archetype, though. Especially now that I was beginning to corrupt everyone around me.

"So, no minders this morning?" Sumia asked as she went about cooking.

"No, thank god," I sighed. She gave me a look over her shoulder, and I shrugged. "I know; the thought of me be unsupervised freaks me out, too, but the possibilities are endless."

With an evil grin to myself I snagged a breadroll from off of one of the nearby plates, bringing it to my mouth-

"You don't want to eat that…" Sumia warned.

-just as I took a bite.

It was… almost indescribable. A hard, crunchy exterior giving way to a soft, yielding interior that could only be described as 'gooey'. It would have been great if this were some sort of candy or something, but the overwhelming taste of yeast filled my mouth, reminding me that this was most indeed meant to be bread. There was a second crunch as I found something hard and salty inside the gooey mass. I managed to force the first bite down, glaring at the horrible little lump in my hand.

"My… mother fancies herself a baker…" Sumia mumbled, wilting guiltily. "I tried to warn you."

"What… are the crunchy bits inside…?" I asked slowly. "Do I want to know? I don't want to know."

"It's sea-salt! I had it specially imported so I could cook with it!" a happy voice chirped from our side.

I glanced up, feeling my hung-over stomach begin to rebel against what I'd just put in it. Sumia's hot mom stood there, wearing a flour-smeared apron over her nice dress and beaming a thousand-watt smile at us.

Shit. How could I disappoint her when she was smiling like that…?

Taking a deep breath, and, trying not to laugh at the horrified expression on Sumia's face as I did so, I wolfed down the remainder of the roll in my hand. Without gagging.

"Delicious," I managed to rasp, doing my best approximation of a Chrom-smile.

Unfortunately, it was the kind of smile Chrom might have made if he'd been recently run over by a truck and was trying to assure the gaggle of watching orphans that he was alright, but Sumia's hot mom didn't seem to make that distinction, only smiling wider.

"Please don't encourage her," Sumia whispered to me.

"I'm glad they turned out good this time," Sumia's mom said, clapping her hands together. "I'd heard that the salt would make for a more savory style and wanted to try it."

"You know who would love this? Chrom. Chrom would love this. Sumia, put some aside for the big lug. And make sure he eats every last bite."

The Queen-consort blinked at me for a few moments before a knowing grin emerged on her face and she shook her head, going back to the bacon. "I don't know what's worse, that I find that funny or that I was already considering it…"

Sumia's mom gave a small laugh, coming up and giving her daughter a small hug from behind before moving to stand next to me.

"I'm so glad that even as the Queen you still have such good friends to take care of you," she said wistfully.

"Mother…" Sumia groaned, in only the way someone being embarrassed by their parents could.

"Oh, let me worry," she chuckled. "You went away, all the way to the capital. You're even the queen now. You grew up without me watching, but I still worry."

"Mother, I'm fine," Sumia assured her. "I have Cordelia to take care of me. And I have Chrom, now, too."

"And me," I piped up. "For what it's worth, anyway… I ain't going anywhere any time soon."

Both women glanced up at me, and Sumia broke into a radiant smile mirroring her mother's earlier one. It was easy to see where she got her looks from, even when I couldn't actually see.

"You're right. I have got you to take care of me."

"Hey, I am supposed to be some sort of 'Retainer', right? That does not mean you can make me Royal Babysitter, though," I warned her, frowning. "Frederick'll have a fit if Lucina picks up any of my foul language. Now. Who wants to learn how to make a proper pretzel?"

* * *

It was almost an hour later when Chrom and Duke Midland found us in the kitchens, all three of us now sporting flour-covered aprons as we waited for the first batch of pretzels to come out. Sumia did alright, but I'd had to supervise her mom _very_ closely. The older woman was taking notes right now as I explained the recipe and how to cook it.

"Cook it on a lower heat for longer, but make sure to keep brushing the butter on top or it'll dry our more than we want it to. It's really something of a guessing game, but once you know the signs to watch for you'll get the hang of it pretty fast. Ah, there they are. Good morning Duke Midland. Sup Chrom?"

"Good… morning… Ben…" Chrom said hesitantly.

Duke Midland merely grunted and gave me a dirty look, the two bigger men approaching the counter where we'd been cooking.

"Gentlemen," I said, a shit eating grin on my face as I held up the plate of bread Sumia's mom had prepared beforehand. "Lady Eleth was kind enough to make some bread for us. Dig in."

Chrom didn't so much as flinch, grabbing the biggest role on the pile with a huge grin. Clearly he was under the mistaken assumption that his wife's mother cooked just as well as his wife. The Duke, however, froze up, going an interesting shade of pale and turning the most tired glare I'd ever seen in my life in my direction.

The Exalt stuffed the breadroll into his mouth all at once, and I actually saw the outer shell break and some of the dough ooze though his fingers before he sucked that into his mouth, too. He chewed twice, and then froze. Eyes widened. He chewed again, as if to confirm that yes, this was real. His nose twitched as his face began to scrunch up, but then he noticed Sumia's mom watching him with that same damn yearning look that her daughter got all the time. From behind her, Sumia mouthed 'I'm sorry' to her husband. His eyes desperately flicked to me, struggling to not laugh.

And at that moment he understood.

And his face relaxed.

And he swallowed.

And he smiled that winning Chrom smile.

"That was delicious," he said. "Thank you, Lady Eleth."

"Oh you," the older woman giggled. "You know when it's just us you can call me 'Mom'. Here, you have one, too, dear!"

The Duke did his best not to grimace, his lips a thin line on his face, taking the smallest roll off the plate and simply holding it. Then, when Sumia and her mom turned to check the pretzels we had in the oven, the Duke subtly pocketed the bread. Chrom silently gagged, pushing out his tongue and trying to scrape whatever taste buds were still alive off of it.

"I'm trying to teach her, you'll thank me later," I muttered to the older man. "Sorry Chrom, couldn't resist."

"I will end you," Chrom wheezed, glaring at me with a very convincing Frederick impersonation.

"Say that after you eat the pretzel," I grinned.

"Why was it crunchy?" he asked.

"Don't ask," the Duke mumbled. "It's… just easier that way."

"Feels like this is the kind of thing she would've warned you about," I pointed out, nodding at Sumia's back.

"I think she's been spending too much time around a certain evil tactician lately," Chrom deadpanned.

"Hey, Robin's not… totally evil."

"Are you, or are you not, still my tactician?"

The Duke snorted. "Why does a tactician need a tactician?"

"Because I'm a General now, too, and I'm busy?" I shrugged. "Mark of a true leader is admitting when you need help."

Before either man could respond to my rhetoric Sumia's mom called out to us in a sing-song voice, Chrom freezing and the Duke going pale.

"They're ready!"

"Oh Naga," Duke Midland groaned under his breath.

"You… you made sure they're okay this time, right Ben? Right?" Chrom whispered pleadingly.

"Chrom, my man, my brotha, would I lie to you?" I asked with a shit-eating grin.

"Yes," he deadpanned. "Especially if it were funny or embarrassing."

"It's like you've known me all my life," I snickered.

"Come get some!" Sumia's mom insisted cheerily. "I'm confident about them!"

"That does not fill me with confidence," the Duke muttered.

I shrugged, picking one of her pretzel sticks off the tray and taking a bite. "Your loss, then, sir. Ah, hot! Hot!"

Chrom quirked his head a little, glancing at the tray. A number of different pretzel styles were arrayed on a large tray that Sumia's mom set on the wooden countertop. I'd made her settle for making simple pretzel sticks while Sumia and I had dicked around trying to get the knot style right. The end result was pretty successful; a tray of golden-brown pretzels sprinkled with sea-salt on top, their smell wafting enticingly through the kitchen.

"These ones are mine," Sumia said, pointing her section out to Chrom.

The Exalt nodded, taking one of the large pretzels and taking a much smaller bite than the one he'd taken from the earlier roll. After a few seconds to assure himself it was actually edible he stuffed the whole thing into his mouth, reaching for more within seconds.

Duke Midland hesitantly held up one of his wife's stick-pretzels, the woman looking anxiously at him the entire time as he seemed to resign himself and take a very small bite off the top. He looked like a man being led to the gallows for a moment before his face dropped, and he took a second bite.

"Did you write this recipe down?" the older man asked.

"Of course!" his wife chirped. "This is even our second batch! Ben didn't help at all on this one. Do… you like them…?"

The duke practically inhaled the rest of the pretzel, clasping his wife's hands and leaning close. "I love it. They're all I want to eat for the rest of my life. Never make anything else. Please."

Sumia's mom beamed happily, and I resisted the urge to retch. Piling my own pretzels onto a the plate of bacon and eggs for Robin I'd put aside on top of the stove to keep warm I decided to let the couples be before they both gave me the diabeetus and left the kitchen to no fanfare, intent on delivering breakfast to my sleeping beauty.

All the happy normal people should go explode.

* * *

We returned to Ylisstol later that day, after I somehow managed to get an almost catatonic Robin out of bed, dressed and into the carriage. I think every bump was like a dagger in Robin's brain. I think it was worse because Virion was riding with us on the way back.

I'd also pulled Toady aside, putting two very shiny gold coins in his gobsmacked hand. "One's for the weed I smoked last night. The other is to buy me more. I want good shit, nothing hallucinogenic. Maybe throw some spearmint into the mix. Get creative. Keep the change."

"Right you are, General, sir," Toady had said with an excited grin. "One Toady special blend, coming right up!"

And that was how, on the way back from Midland, I acquired my first Ylissean drug dealer. And the goods he delivered were absolutely top notch.

Life went on as usual for us when we got back, though, and before long Lucina and Noire arrived back with the squad from the First I'd sent with them. According to Lucina they had been the perfect soldiers both during and outside the battle, a fact Sammy had beamed at when she had reported. I think the older man's jaw almost hit the floor when I promoted him on the spot to a Lieutenant and made him Virion's second in command. With the archer's blessing, of course. This was the hardest part: finding the men with the leadership material required to be a decent officer. Too many officers in the provincial ducal armies were useless and only held rank because of their bloodlines, something I was still desperately trying to rectify.

After swearing Sammy in as a commissioned officer and leaving both him and Virion to choose his replacement for the Sergeant position I decided to take the rest of the day off and spend it with Noire.

Things between me and Noire were still… in a word 'weird'. I mean, we got along fine, but I'm pretty sure neither of us really knew how to act around each other. We were both pretty socially awkward in our own way, which really didn't help. So I'd decided to take a more proactive approach and spend more time together. I hadn't forced it on her, though. You can't force someone to like you, not even family. But Noire had almost literally leapt at the idea, assuring me that I was doing the right thing. It was no surprise that she'd be desperate to get to know her parents, even if I wasn't technically the man that had raised her.

I'd decided on going to lunch and then just bumming around for the afternoon; going shopping, wandering around Ylisstol's inner ward, maybe having some dinner, just sorta low-key hanging out. We ate at the same fancy café that Cordelia and I usually ate at, simply because I'd still had no luck tracking down coffee beans and their tea was still the closest thing I was liable to get, but the food had impressed Noire all the same.

"You know, I s-still find it weird," Noire commented as we idly wandered the streets side by side.

"What, that someone that looks like me managed to get a perfect ten like your mom to-"

"Blood and thunder do not finish that sentence!" Noire snapped before calming. "I meant the different types of food available in the p-past. There's so much variety. It's weird, in a good way."

"You think you've got variety now just wait until we go to Valm and Chon'sin. You haven't even tried rice yet."

"I think I did, when I was a girl."

"Ugh, I can't wait. I'd kill for some sushi or something, something besides this medieval European style crap I'm stuck with."

"I o-only understood about a third of that sentence…" Noire mumbled. "Stuff from your world?"

"Technically it's half 'your world' too, missy," I reminded her. "And yes, but most of the stuff from my home has an equivalent here."

Noire gave a small smirk. "Yeah, wouldn't it be w-weird if we were all, like, g-giant tentacle monsters or… something?"

I snorted, grinning before crying out in my best Cartman voice "CTHULHUUUUUU!"

Noire snorted herself, before breaking into a fit of giggles. When she calmed down we continued on in amiable silence, occasionally lingering to look into storefronts or market stalls but otherwise just wandering. After a time Noire began to sneak looks at me, obviously thinking I wasn't noticing. She was far, far less subtle than her mother, though, and after beating off those yandere flags for nearly two years I spotted her watching me almost instantly. I drew us to a halt in a small gap between stalls, out of the way of the rest of the foot traffic and slightly more private compared to the middle of the street.

"Okay, whatever's eating you say or do it now," I told her.

"Y-you… I… uh…" Noire stuttered, blushing and looking down.

"You cannot escape my all-seeing eye! Now, what's on your… mind…?"

I trailed off, glancing down at where Noire's thin, trembling fingers had wrapped around my own hand.

"I… I… used to… hold your hand w-when we… went shopping… when I was young…" she mumbled, still not meeting my eyes. "I… that is… uh…"

"What, that's it?" I smirked. "I don't have a problem with it."

Noire's hopeful gaze snapped up, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. "R-really…?"

"Pfft, yeah, no problem," I scoffed. "I've been fending off your mother's attempts at physical contact for years now, and they're much more overt than this. I think I can handle holding your hand for a while."

It occurred to me that I should probably stop comparing Noire to her mother or I'd give her a Severa-complex. Noire seemed unsure how to take this statement, but settled on an embarrassed little smile as we continued to meander through town hand-in-hand for the rest of the afternoon.

Her hand wasn't what I'd been expecting. Given her extreme anxiety problems I was expecting something sweaty and clammy, fingernails chewed to nubs and constantly shaking. Noire's hand was none of those things. Her hand was cool, her fingers callused but her grip steady and calm. Like an archer's should be. Thin fingers wrapped around my hand, her nails surprisingly well manicured. No doubt a side-effect of Severa in her life. It was pleasant, and this is coming from a man who does not like to be touched.

And it made me realize I'd never walked hand in hand with her mother like this.

Holy crap maybe I really did miss her…

"So how did you and Mother meet?" Noire asked a while later.

"You really want to know?"

"Okay, maybe not if it's going to be weird…"

"No, it's nothing that bad," I shrugged. "She's… a fair bit younger than me, if I'm being honest. All of the Shepherds bar Frederick and Gregor are. But she spotted me in camp one day after she joined up, developed her first crush and had no idea how to cope. So she decided that she was in love and we were destined to be together."

"R-really?" Noire asked. "The… the way she tells it is more like you beat back the Plegian army singlehandedly. W-with a pile of wounded on your shoulders."

"What, she left out the part about my massive chest and biceps oiled and shining in the sun, wind rippling my cape majestically?" I asked, shaking my head. "No. If anything she saw… well… there was a low point after Emmeryn died. Everyone was in shock, and we had an army charging at us. I just whipped everyone into retreating so we wouldn't have any more casualties. She probably saw that."

Noire nodded, absorbing what I'd said. "I-I see…"

"Sorry if I ruined your fantasy about us," I said.

Noire shook her head, her raven hair flashing about. "No, I wanted to know the truth. I… Mother doesn't talk about… didn't talk a lot about the past. And it's hard to tell, but… I t-think she died when… when I was still young… so I don't really remember her that well…"

I sighed, gripping her hand a little tighter. She responded, squeezing tighter, too, and giving a little smile.

Noire, like Lucina and Laurent as well, had a mysterious case of jumbled memories. Laurent theorized it was from the hastily prepared spell that had sent them back in time. My theory was much simpler; my presence was messing with the timelines, and the time-travelers' memories of the future were affected as a consequence. In fact, in my opinion I was lucky some big-ass Dahaka monster hadn't appeared to set the timeline right by erasing me. Despite the fact that I had apparently survived past Plegia and Valm and died in the future with the others after fathering Noire. I still felt like a foreign entity in this world, something I doubted would ever change.

"Well, strap in, because as soon as she realizes you're part me…" I warned her with a grin, trying to dispel my maudlin thoughts. "She's… clingy."

"I… don't know how to feel about that," Noire admitted.

"If you're smart, terrified," I said, purposely taking on a hundred-yard-stare.

Noire just laughed again, drifting closer so our shoulders brushed as we walked. It was after our third bookstore that Noire let out a dainty little yawn, my hand still firmly ensnared by her own. The sun had begun to dip in the sky, painting streaks of brilliant orange through the pale blue of the Ylissean heavens.

"Running out of steam?" I asked.

Noire shook her head. "A-a little… but I don't want today to be over yet. I've… never had this much fun… before."

"Oh, honey, that is so sad," I said sympathetically. "Well, if you're gonna be like that… I've got an idea to cheer you up."

Noire shrunk back from my grin, her grip finally loosening a little around my hand.

"D-do I… wanna kn-know?"

"It starts with us picking up some food, then heading back to the barracks. And gathering as many friends as we can on the way," I said, my grin only widening.

* * *

And so it was that we held a long-overdue 'welcome party' for Lucina, Laurent and Noire.

On the way back to the barracks I'd been able to snare Vaike, Cordelia, Panne, Anna, Sully and Stahl, mostly because I'd purposely taken the long way and dropped by the Shepherds' Barracks. Along with the usual faces at the army barracks Nowi and Libra were also waiting, making quite the group by then. I'd sent Elle to the palace with a literal written invitation for Chrom and Sumia, but I doubted that the Exalt and his Queen could be seen slumming it at a crappy party like this, so I wasn't holding my breath waiting for them to show up. Deciding it was time to unveil my little hidey-hole to the world, we'd had the party up on my little balcony, where I did my nightly training.

Ricken and I managed to do a decent job of putting together a rough grill, and I barbequed some steaks and ribs that I'd snagged on the way back to the barracks. Way more than we had needed, so there was quite a bit still sitting, cooling on the grill. Just in case Chrom and Sumia were late-comers. Of course, there had also been copious amounts of ale and wine, too, because what was a party without booze.

The three time-travelers had had a blast. This wasn't their first party, so to say, but it was nice to see them unwinding a little. Especially Laurent and Lucina. Noire I'd seen relax a little, reading the various books that had piled up in my room and even, to my great dismay, my little Blazing Blade serial. But I'd never seen the other two relax. If Lucina wasn't training she was eating or sleeping. And Laurent, god help that kid, seemed to actually enjoy all the extra inventing work that got piled onto him. I was straight up being nosy at this point, but watching them unwind, relax, drink and chat with the others like normal human beings was a weight off my mind, one I hadn't even realized I was carrying.

"You've got that look on your face," Nowi said with a grin.

"What look?" I asked.

"That 'I'm so proud of the kids' look. It makes you look old," she snickered.

"As opposed to the perpetual twelve year old?"

"Oh? And what does that say about your tastes?"

"I'm not even going there," I sighed.

Nowi just giggled, shifting a little in my lap. I was sitting on my appropriated sofa, Panne on my one side cradling a mug of wine and Virion on my other. And Nowi had just so happened to decide that she wanted to use my lap as her seat. Which, normally wouldn't bug me, but as I'd previously stated she did indeed look inappropriately young.

Cordelia snickered about a foot away, sitting on one of the chairs we'd dragged up from the common room downstairs as she absently plucked a few notes on her lute. Virion was being uncharacteristically silent on the matter, but he'd already had a few. Panne was… well, being Panne. Meaning she gave absolutely no fucks.

Olivia and Noire were chatting near the grill, both women seemingly far less flustered and timid under the influence of booze. Ricken and Olivia were sitting on the ground in front of the sofa, lost in conversation about the braiding that was going to go on the officers' dress uniforms (something I blamed Virion for) while Anna helpfully informed them how much it would cost me. Sully, Stahl, Libra, Robin, Lucina and Laurent were all gathered near the drinks, using empty kegs as seats in some cases. Libra said something in his usual wispy voice that I didn't quite catch, but the whole group burst into laughter at it. I hadn't seen Vaike in a while. I think he'd gotten lost on his way to the bathroom.

"This is nice," Cordelia commented as she plucked random strings on her lute. "Just relaxing, no pressure, no responsibility."

"No subordinates falling over themselves trying to earn brownie points," I added.

"Or blowing up improvised explosives in your face," Virion added, finally coming back down to Earth.

I smirked, trying not to laugh as Cordelia's fingers finally paused on her instrument. "Do I want to know?"

"You met Toady earlier, yeah? Tall guy, helped us with the chairs?" I explained. "Well, he's my 'demolitions expert'. Bit of a firebug. Had to transfer him out of the First because he blew Virion's eyebrows off."

Cordelia and Nowi both burst into laughter as Virion seethed, Ricken and Olivia glancing up from their conversation. Panne just stared down into her mug, transfixed by the dark red liquid within.

"I am just grateful he's Olivia's problem now," Virion seethed, draining his own cup of wine.

"You did get pretty good at drawing eyebrows, though," I laughed.

"That's where my eyeliner went!" Olivia declared, earning more laughs from the others.

Virion muttered something about tearing Toady's eyebrows off one hair at a time, but I was too busy laughing myself to really catch it. I shifted a little, a nagging sensation in the back of my brain finally getting the better of me.

"Okay Nowi, time to get off," I said.

"Aw, but I'm comfy," she groaned.

"Go sit on Virion. I want a smoke and I'm not rude enough to do it in a crowd."

"I heard smoke," Robin said, suddenly appearing at the edge of the sofa near Panne and making Virion and I both jump, earning more giggles from Nowi.

"Er… yeah? Is that a problem?" I asked.

"I want a hit," Robin said, all smiles.

"Oh, so now it's a game of 'pass the dutchie' huh?" I smirked. "I'm down. Anyone else in?"

"I'm still not getting up," Nowi pouted.

"It has been quite some time, but I shall partake if you are offering," Virion said.

"You… haven't steered me wrong yet, sir," Ricken said, somewhat hesitantly.

"I don't get it, but… sure?" Olivia said slowly.

"You'll love it," Robin assured her with a wink. "Panne, Cordelia?"

Panne merely nodded without looking up from her mug. Personally, I think she was already way too far gone for this…

"I think I'll just watch," Cordelia laughed. "I have to be up early tomorrow to supervise the recruits."

"Your loss, more for us," I shrugged. "Y'all are lucky Toady gave me a big bag of this shit. Yo, you guys hogin' the drinks! Want a little green?"

And so the night devolved into a scene from 'That 70s Show'. You know, where they all sit around in a circle and get high? Yeah. That. But with Fire Emblem characters. We even went so far as to smoke the entire bag, breaking my fancy new pipe in in a big way. And it was every bit as amusing as I thought it would be.

Although in hindsight putting all these nutcases in one place and getting them drunk and high was probably not the smartest thing I'd ever done in my life…

I… don't think, though, that they were expecting quite the high MJ content that this blend had. Which made it all the more fun for me. 'Weed' was their catch-all term for anything put in a pipe and smoked, kinda like in certain parts of medieval and nineteenth century Europe. So they were probably expecting tobacco with a few other herbs thrown in for flavor, maybe a little hemp for relaxation.

What they got was… well…

"Does anybody else feel the building moving?" Virion asked shakily, blinking rapidly from his seat on the ground, leaning back against the armrest of the sofa. "Is it supposed to be moving? Why is it moving!?"

"That, Sir Virion, is the Earth rotating around the sun," Laurent said deadpan.

"Make it stop! Naga, make it stop!" Virion moaned, covering his eyes with his hands. Yet still sitting perfectly upright.

"Does… does the Earth really revolve around the sun?" Ricken asked, wide eyed.

"It does," Laurent said without moving an inch.

"Wow. I… that's… amazing… I just…" the younger man stuttered incoherently.

"Ricken, the words you're looking for are 'you just blew my mind'," I supplied helpfully.

"You just blew my fucking mind," Ricken whispered in awe.

From the side of the couch, opposite the one Virion rested against, came Libra's amazed voice. "Are my hands… big? They look big. Are they supposed to be this big?"

"I have a measuring tape!" Anna called from behind the sofa. "I'll sell it cheap! Hell, here, take it!"

"Oh god what did Toady put in this blend?" I muttered, running a hand down my face. Anna must have been absolutely shit-faced to give something away…

"Okay, so this one goes like this, and this one goes… under?" Sully asked, sticking her tongue out a little in concentration.

"That's right, and this one loops back over like this," Olivia nodded, leaning in to point.

Robin just giggled as she consigned herself to being a practice dummy while Olivia taught Sully how to braid hair in possibly the cutest scenario I'd ever seen.

"You ever just look up at the stars and go… wow?" Vaike mumbled a few feet away, lying spread-eagle on the rooftop.

"Makes me hungry," Stahl mumbled back. "Looks like… black pudding. Or… like… sparkly pudding."

"Now I want pudding," Vaike groaned.

"Oh my god I have to show Elle how to make hash-brownies," I said, eyes widening.

Nowi let out a little gasp from my lap where she was enamored with playing with the now empty pipe. "They come in brownies!?"

"Can you make it into pudding!?" Vaike called out from the ground.

"That. Sounds. Amazing," Noire said, her expression mirroring my own from my side. She'd slipped into Virion's spot when he'd moved to the ground, occasionally casting very yandere glares at Nowi.

Panne hiccupped opposite her, still lost in gazing at her cup.

"That's a brilliant idea!" came Anna's voice again, high-pitch and almost manic. "I'm patenting it! No one steal it! I'll make a killing! … how do you make pudding?"

Lucina let out a sigh as Cordelia giggled, both women still sober. Or relatively speaking, anyway. Neither had partaken, something I'm not about to judge for. Although judging from the glazed look Lucina was trying to hide she'd gotten a little too close and was sporting a nice contact high.

"Really, these people are supposed to be leading this army?" the future-Princess mumbled.

"Oh leave them be," Cordelia said, still plucking away on her lute. "Blowing off steam like this every once and a while isn't so bad."

Lucina cast the other woman an arching glance out of the corner of her eye. "So you would condone your own recruits behaving like this?"

"Absolutely not," the Wing Commander responded immediately, before adding "but these aren't recruits. Or even knights for that matter."

"I'm a knight!" Sully defended, pouting in a very girlish fashion.

"Argh, don't pull, don't pull!"

And apparently forgetting her fingers were knuckle-deep in Robin's long hair.

"I mean, aren't we all technically knights?" Stahl asked from the ground. "I know Sully and I are the only ones that've actually been knighted, but… don't we all do really knightly things? Like, saving people and defending the realm in the name of our lord?"

"That is the definition of a knight," Laurent said, staring straight ahead as if he were afraid he'd fall down if he moved even slightly, his expression or tone never changing.

"Wow," Ricken breathed. "You just blew my mind again…"

"Perhaps we should ask Exalt Chrom to knight you all then," Cordelia giggled.

"Hey, I'm already a Lord, I don't need another title," I scoffed.

"Do knights have to wear shirts?" Vaike asked.

"I believe so," Ricken mumbled, furrowing his brow and thinking hard about it.

"Then I don't wanna," Vaike huffed.

"Do knights get paid?" Anna chirped, her head finally appearing from behind the sofa.

"What about… a dress?" Libra asked, still staring at his hands.

Vaike seemed to consider this for a moment. "Would it be a pretty dress?"

"You'd be a knight! Of course it would only be the finest of fineries!" Virion said, as if it were mere common sense.

"I have lots of pretty dresses," Anna said with a wink.

"Huh," Vaike grunted. "Robin! Ro~bin! If I got a pretty dress would you make me pretty?"

My tactician burst into a fit of giggles, Olivia and Sully joining in. Something about Sully giggling along with the other two women seemed a little… out of place, but I decided not to say anything in case she yanked on Robin's hair again. I was afraid next time she might tear her head off.

"I'm sure we'd all love the chance to help make you pretty," Cordelia laughed.

"There's a mental image," Lucina muttered.

"I want a pretty dress!" Nowi declared, glaring up at me. "You still haven't bought me one yet!"

"Why, pray tell, would I buy you a dress?" I asked.

"Because we had sex and you bought Marth that pretty pendant!" Nowi pouted.

"What!?" came several shocked voices.

"Oh for god's sake, she's a thousand years old!" I groaned.

"That explains so much," Lucina muttered, eyes narrowing as she absently clutched at her collar. No doubt she was holding that stupid little pendant.

If I'd known it would lead to so much trouble I wouldn't have bothered…

"So the Lord of the Ladies strikes again!" Vaike cackled from the ground.

"Wow, why does that make me hungry?" Stahl mumbled curiously.

"Because everything makes you hungry," Sully muttered, still focused on the rows of braids now forming in Robin's hair.

"If you want to think about gifts I think I have a catalogue here somewhere," Anna muttered, disappearing back behind the sofa.

"Dammit Anna, no! I didn't think it was possible, but you're even worse when you're high! Stop yo-yoing," I grunted.

There was a moment of silence before a telling sniffle came from behind the sofa and Anna gave a sobbing cry. "I just want to make people happy! Buying things makes people happy! Money makes me happy! Why won't you buy my things!?"

Lucina sighed, moving her hand to massage her temple. Cordelia just gave me an odd look, as if she weren't sure how to feel. In my lap Nowi gave an evil little laugh, smirking triumphantly up at me.

"Now you have to," she grinned.

"Blood and thunder! I desire an offering, too! I demand it! A pretty one with lace and frills! One that will make even my mother green with envy!" Noire snapped, making everyone except Panne and Laurent jump.

Panne did, however, finally look up. Her red eyes locked with mine, and with a sinking feeling I prepared myself for whatever bullshit was about to come spilling out of the Taguel's mouth.

"Why will you not breed with me?" she asked, a plaintive note in her usually harsh voice.

I choked on my own tongue, turning my head and coughing into my shoulder as more laughter echoed around the balcony.

"Alright! Next person to talk about sex with me or anything related to sex with me gets thrown off the fucking balcony!" I declared.

Nowi grinned cheekily, leaning up to my ear to whisper in it.

"Do me."

With a grunt I rose to my feet, cradling the little manakete in my arms and taking two steps towards the railing.

Before tossing her bodily off the roof.

More laughter, almost hysterical this time, echoed around the balcony as Lucina looked at me in abject disbelief.

"Are you out of your _fucking_ mind!?" she shrieked.

"Ha! Marth said a swear!" Noire snickered from the sofa.

I quirked a brow, crossing my arms and glaring at the Princess as I waited. As if on cue a draconian form soared into the sky, Nowi laughing just as hysterically as the people on the roof-balcony. Thing.

"She's. A. Fucking. Dragon," I said slowly, pointing up to prove my point. "Dragons. Fly."

Nowi touched down, shifting back to her human form in a flash of blue-white light as she did so, bounding up to me and wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Again! Again-again-again!" she squawked.

I shook my head, grabbing her by the scruff and tossing her off the balcony with one hand, without even looking, before making my way back to my spot on the sofa. As soon as my ass hit the cushions Anna was up, slithering over the backrest and filling the spot on my lap that Nowi had vacated now that she was flying around the barracks. Wrapping her arms around my neck Anna grinned up at me, flashing her eyelashes.

"Didja miss me?" she asked.

"Blood and thunder! Get off! It's my turn already!" Noire shrieked.

Our laughter and shouting continued to echo long into the night, when the moon started to dip in the sky. It ended up being a good night. Cordelia was right; we were all starting to wear a little thin from the constant training and work. It was nice to blow off some steam.

Even if I did end up waking up spooning with Libra.

At least I woke up clothed this time…

* * *

 **AN: Guys and gals, metallover will be participating in _National Novel Writing Month_ during the month of November. It's basically a community-based website program designed to help authors write a 50k word novel (pretty short, honestly, like seven of my usual chapters) by motivating the hell out of them. Nothing gets published through them, but I feel like it's a fun idea all the same. I encourage anyone who dreams of writing a novel to check the website out. There's no winners or losers, it's just fun. **

**TLDR: No updates during the month of November. Possibly not October either. Sorry.**

 **Check out the _Invisible Ties Audio Drama_ on YouTube! Search our channel _Neckties You Can't See_ and give us a listen! I play Robin! I swear the third episode is coming soon…**

 **Follow me on Twitter! - metalloverCAB**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter the Ninth, or "Still not the most awkward wake-up scenario I've dealt with"**

Ah, the hangover.

Like an old friend to me, at this point.

Let's face facts, it's starting to seem a little like I'd come to Ylisse just to get drunk and high.

However, that was not the case, as I would soon be put to work actually doing my job as a military leader. But before that, I had to conquer my greatest enemy:

Crawling my sorry ass out of bed after a night spent drinking. Again.

Groaning like the recently-revived dead, I sniffled, eyes clamped as closed as I could get them. I'd broken the age-old rule: _grass before beer, you're in the clear, beer before grass, you're on your ass._

"Oh god. Why do I do this to myse-ack!"

Long, soft, nice-smelling hair wafted into my face as I tried to berate myself, making me realize that once more I was not waking up alone. Wouldn't surprise me if Nowi had joined me. Not that I could remember much after the whole throwing-her-off-a-balcony thing…

I hated not remembering sex. Always made me feel weird.

So I put those thoughts out of my head, it was too damn early anyway, and simply rolled over towards the dip in my mattress that could only mean someone else was in bed with me. How I hadn't noticed before, I'm not entirely sure. Nowi was pretty light, and I was pretty wrecked. But I flung my arm over who I assumed was the diminutive manakete, intent on warming up with the little manakete-shaped heater.

To my surprise, I did not find Nowi next to me.

A broad, well-muscled shoulder shifted beneath my arm. I groped around, failing to find any form of boob and instead patting a toned, chiseled, hairless chest.

There was only one man with hair this long and a chest like this…

"Oh god fucking dammit, Libra…" I half-sobbed, forcing myself to sit up.

As I did so the sheets shifted as well, uncovering an almost-naked Libra, too. Interesting aside, I clearly wasn't the only one that slept in my trunks.

…

Well, at least we weren't naked…

The blonde priest stirred, propping himself up and yawning, blinking bleary eyes and flinching away from the light as he looked around the room. His usually-straight hair was a mess, strands sticking up all over the place, and he looked like he was suffering the same hangover as me.

And then his gaze stopped on me.

The other man in the same bed.

Wearing naught but my smallclothes.

"Well… good morning?" I tried.

Libra yelped like a kicked dog, jumping to his feet and almost instantly toppling to my floor as the hangover reminded himself just what he'd done last night. Groaning, he covered his head with his arms and tried his best to disappear into the floorboards.

"Okay, near as I can tell we didn't do anything untoward," I said, leaning over him. "So, rather than being all embarrassed, you can stop acting like a twat before you puke on my floor and get dressed. It's not like you've got anything I've never seen before."

Libra glanced up at me between his arms and beneath a mop of blonde hair, the blush on his cheeks still evident despite the obstructions.

"Oh for cryin' out… fine, I'll turn around," I sighed, scooting to the other end of the bed and crossing my arms, pointedly facing the wall. "The hell are you doing in my room, anyway?"

"I… do not know," the priest muttered unsurely. I could hear the sounds of him getting up, feel the bed shift as he used it to steady himself. "The last thing I remember is Nowi flying, and something about a measuring tape… Oh Naga my aching head…"

"Fresh water's on the bedside table," I said nonchalantly. True to my orders on her first full day as my maid, Elle still made sure I had fresh water in the mornings.

Libra mumbled his thanks, drinking some straight from the pitcher before rummaging around for his clothes. I was hoping, nay praying, that this had simply been one of those 'huddle together for warmth' scenarios that Sumia had talked about. Or, at least I hoped it was.

Okay, I was praying to my god and Libra's that it was just a huddle together for warmth scenario.

Or at the very least I had been the pitcher last night…

Unfortunately, though, I didn't _have_ a god…

Libra dressed in silence, leaving me sitting there in my skivvies staring silently at the wall.

This… was awkward.

I needed to get dressed…

"I didn't think priests were allowed to… uh… get 'fucked up', as it were," I said, reaching for my pants and giving them a cursory sniff before making a face and pulling them on anyway. "Oh god they stink like apathy and regret. That's the hangover I'm dealing with…"

"While the Book of Naga does warn against excess there is nothing in it about occasionally relaxing with friends," Libra defended weakly.

I grinned. However he wanted to justify last night was fine with me. Again, I was really in no position to judge anyone. Like, ever.

"You got a spare copy of that book?" I asked, walking towards the closet. "I'm actually kind of curious. And I just so happen to find myself between reads at the moment."

I could practically hear Libra perking up behind me. "You are interested in exploring your faith?"

"I'm interested in exploring yours," I laughed. "I already have a pretty comfortable grip on my own spirituality, thank you very much. Consider it more of a theological study."

Personally, I'd like to see an episode of _John Safran Versus God_ about the Naganite Church. I think it would be hilarious.

Libra sighed, and when I turned to see the priest fully clothed he had a slightly disappointed smile on his face. "I will bring you a copy. Hopefully you find it enlightening."

"Hey, stranger things have happened," I grinned, pulling on a clean shirt.

I sure as hell wasn't going to convert to a religion where the main deity was a dead dragon that wasn't really a god to begin with… but no need to tell him that. I was curious, in the same way that I had been when I'd read the Bible, the Quran and the Satanic Bible. The last one had been the most entertaining, FYI, but hey, to each their own. I'd spent time in Buddhist Temples in Japan, too, which was by far the trippiest experience I'd had sober, been whanged on the head with a bell by a Shinto monk, and had studied Hinduism by… well, by reading a Wikipedia article. But when you have Catholicism crammed down your throat as a child by 'religion teachers' who are just priests from the local church come to preach at your class for an hour every week it makes you curious about what else is out there.

"So what is it you believe in, then?" Libra asked, sounding genuinely curious.

"Hoh-no, no, hell to the no," I laughed. "I am not having the faith-talk with a damn priest. I can think of a million more fun ways to start my day. Like crawling naked through a field of broken glass. While on fire."

"I am merely curious," Libra laughed. "Were I truly worried for your immortal soul I would have tried far harder to convince you to join us for mass during the Holy Week."

"Okay then," I shrugged, taking the bait. "Do you know what Nihilism is?"

"I… do not," Libra admitted.

"It means I don't care," I said. "I don't care about higher powers, I don't care about faith, and I don't care where we go when we die. It's not that I don't believe, it's that I don't care. I'm also not big on society, but that's a separate can of worms."

"That is… surprising," Libra said slowly. "You truly have no inkling of belief in a higher power of any kind?"

"Ah, someone wasn't listening," I chided. "I didn't say I don't believe, I said I don't care. I have far more important things to worry about. We, as a species and as a society, have far more important things to worry about, in my humble opinion. Personally, I'm just not into the idea of any god that takes attendance."

"And you feel no disquiet about the fate of your soul?" Libra asked.

"It doesn't even make the top fifty list of shit that makes me antsy," I snickered. "Libra my friend, let me tell you something that made me stop and think. In the grand, universal scheme of things we are nothing. Barely a blip on the cosmic radar. Our lives are so infinitely short compared to the universe that nothing we do really matters. We are naught but dust on the cosmic winds. We're all going to die, the world will eventually end, and that'll be that. And you know what? That's okay. Because I'm here now, and I can do all kinds of stuff that makes me happy in the meantime."

"Isn't that a dangerous philosophy?" Libra pondered, crossing his arms. "For instance… say you enjoyed battle and killing? What is stopping you from simply slaughtering everyone you saw until someone came to do the same to you?"

"If that were my thing I'd join a mercenary band," I shrugged. "Fortunately I'm not a psycho. I don't enjoy the killing or the fighting. I train and fight and defend Ylisstol so I can do the things I love. Like reading, and relaxing and the occasional writing."

"Yes, Queen Sumia does sing praise for your serial," Libra muttered.

"Oh that little bitch…" I growled. I told her not to tell anyone about it, and she goes blabbing!? Cordelia and Noire were bad enough, but now…

"But couldn't you do those things exclusively?" Libra pointed out. "You could read and write as much as you wanted without having to endure the stress of running the army. In fact one would think that would suit you better. From what I hear, you could make a healthy living by continuing to write your serial."

"I could," I shrugged. "But I also like to eat nice food, drink crappy ale and smoke a lot of weed. Which all costs money. A lot of money. Which I get from doing this job. I also like to bang attractive women, and they don't come much more attractive than those in the Shepherds."

Libra smirked, shaking his head. "Far be it from me to fault your logic. But I think I have a better understanding of you now."

"Okay. Good. Glad we're on the same page," I nodded. "Feel like grabbing some breakfast? I can get Elle to whip something up for us pretty quick. Then I can ask you some questions for a bit of a baseline for when I read your fancy holy book."

"I… think I would like that," Libra smiled.

Dammit why does his smile still make my heart skip a beat!?

Shaking that particular thought out of my head I stepped up to the door, opening it to find my second surprise of the day. Anna, clearly feeling no better than either of us, was leaning against my doorjamb and glaring up at me. She dropped her hand, as if she had been just about to knock when I'd opened the door.

"Libra in here?" she asked, her voice strained.

"I am," the priest said, stepping into view.

"I'm either going to need you to return that measuring tape or pay for it," Anna said, straightening. "I don't do freebies, if word got out that I did I'd never be able to haggle again. Ben, why are you laughing so hard? I'm serious!"

* * *

I shuffled absently through Ylisstol's palace, running a hand over the stubble atop my head and generally just being a miserable bastard, muttering to myself as I meandered through the halls.

"Oh god why do I even do this to myself? That's it. No more drinking… Ugh. Fuck. I wanna die. This is it. I'm gonna go find a nice hole to just crawl into and die…"

Chrom had 'summoned' me not long after Libra and I had done our best to explain away the fact we had both come out of the same room at breakfast. I'd taken the time to wipe myself down and change into clean clothes, but I still looked and felt like hell. I got more than a couple looks from some of the newer staff in the palace, but fortunately the guards were all old faces, and they left well enough alone. Which was good, because I was in no damn mood that morning.

"The fuck're you lookin' at!?" I snapped at one particular servant, who took off like his life depended on it. Which, given my current state of self-induced misery, was probably accurate.

I rounded the corner, still scowling, and almost walked right into Sumia. The Queen gave me narrow-eyed glare, bouncing baby Lucina against her breast a little, dressed in an elegant day-dress rather than her riding leathers. "Don't snap at my staff because you can't hold your drink."

I stepped around her, and she fell into step with me as I continued on the way to Chrom's office. Because of course she couldn't leave well enough alone. Of course, I was just pissy enough to take a shot right now, and couldn't keep my mouth shut. "They're not yours, they're your husband's, and speaking of, what the fuck does he want with me so early?"

Sumia snorted, giving me another sideways glare. "I have no idea."

"Yay," I said, lacking any and all enthusiasm.

"And stop swearing around Lucina!" she added.

"No."

"I can make it an order."

"Fuck no."

"Ben!"

Fortunately it was at this point that we arrived at Chrom's office, and I practically threw the doors open in my haste to be away from this particular conversation.

"Oh, look, hi there Chrom!" I shouted, traipsing right on in with long strides.

Chrom and Frederick both looked up, the Exalt wearing a surprised expression while Frederick's perpetual frown deepened.

"We missed you last night," I went on, parking my ass in one of the chairs across the desk from him.

"Yes, we got your message," Chrom smirked. "A gilded invitation, eh? You're adjusting well to your new position."

"Meh. Gotta at least play the part," I shrugged.

"Ah! Good morning, dear," Chrom added, spotting Sumia in the door.

He practically leapt to his feet, and for the next few minutes I was left to sit with my head bowed and my fingers in my ears, muttering the lyrics to every King810 song I could think of while they did all the kissy-face bullshit that newlyweds do. Once they were done and Chrom had baby Lucina firmly in his grip the Exalt nodded to Frederick, who handed a roll of parchment to me.

"I'm too hungover to read, give me the abridged version," I moaned, sinking further down in my seat.

Chrom smirked again, shaking his head a little as Sumia settled in the chair next to me. "Do you not think you should… cut back a little on the drinking?"

"I would, but at this stage I'm worried that if I stop drinking all at once the cumulative hangover would just kill me," I groaned.

Sumia let out a huff and my bitch-radar started pinging. Clearly I was in for some unsolicited nagging that, while no doubt perfectly justified, I was all kinds of not in the mood for.

"Ben, I know I don't need to keep reminding you of this, but you are a retainer to the Exalt," Sumia said evenly, her voice and tone a lot gentler than I was expecting. Clearly she was learning, because the 'fire and brimstone' approach just pissed me off. "You need to act more in accordance with your station. How you act, the things you do, they reflect back on Chrom, back on all of us. You-"

"Stop," I groaned, shutting my eyes tight and massaging a temple as I held up the other hand for quiet. "Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop. Just… wow."

"Ben, this is important," Sumia huffed crossly. "I know you're from another kingdom, but here you have to follow Ylissean social protocols."

"Okay, Frederick, cover your ears," I said, beginning to frown.

To my great amusement Frederick actually hesitantly covered his ears with his hands, a look of confusion crossing his features as I turned to Sumia.

"Alright. Last time I checked you married him, not me," I said, jerking my chin at Chrom. "That means you control him. Not me. And while he is my boss, and Lord or Liege or whatever the fuck else, you, unfortunately, are not. Now, you're my friend, and I love you like the little sister I never had, so I'm trying to be nice about this. Because let's face facts, you annoy the hell out of me just as much as anyone I am actually related to. I know you have your position to think about and all that. But you need to step the fuck off, because this shtick is getting old. You control him. Not me. You tried to control me, and it didn't work out too fucking good for you, did it? If Chrom has an issue with my behavior, which, by the way I keep carefully hidden from public eye, he can speak the fuck up. I know he's got lungs just as loud as you do, I had to pitch my tent next to the two of you when we made camp in Plegia because of your precious 'social protocols', and neither of you are particularly quiet."

With that I rose to my feet, ignoring the shocked looks from both Chrom and Sumia, and the persistent look of confusion on Frederick's face as he continued to cover his ears. I snatched up the scroll Chrom had given to me earlier, obviously orders for whatever he needed me to do.

"Now, considering the fact that I am currently very hungover and now very pissed off, I'm out. Chrom, whatever this bullshittery is, consider it done. Peace."

* * *

About an hour later I sat slumped in my office, practically a grey blob on my chair. I'd called an official staff meeting, my first one ever in fact, to discuss Chrom's task for me after I'd stormed out of his office.

But I was really not feeling it. I could only imagine how the others were faring. This was, without a doubt, the worst hangover I'd had since coming to Ylisse.

Then, like an angel descending from heaven as I drifted in and out of consciousness, Elle placed a cup of very strong-smelling tea in front of me.

"Elle. I love you. Never leave me," I said, reaching for the cup.

I took my first sip of the blessed caffeinated beverage, but when no reply was forthcoming I glanced up at my maid, who was furiously blushing and doing her best to hide behind the tray she was clutching to her chest like a shield.

Well, I was hungover. I was grouchy. And I wanted someone else to suffer with me. I had been having a bad day, and misery loves company, after all…

So I started to lay it on a little thick, intending to tease the poor girl.

"I don't think I could do this without you," I said, sighing and leaning back in my chair. "I mean it, Elle. I need you."

The very young maid started to splutter, and I had to fight not to grin then and there.

"Milord! I… that is, I am… ah, fond of… I… your station… we could never… uh…"

I sighed, placing the cup down and doing my best to take on a forlorn expression. Which, given how hungover I was and how hard I was fighting to not smile, was very, very difficult.

"I don't care about those things," I said, sitting up straighter. "No one has been with me as long, no one can care for me the way you do. I'll say it again, Elle. I don't care what you were, you're here now and I need you."

Blushing to her roots, and making me think this was too easy, Elle nodded and slowly lowered the tray.

"I… I had heard from the… maids in the palace…" she said hesitantly, looking down and not meeting my eyes. "That… this… might happen… I… know I can never… be your wife milord…"

As she spoke the door opened, and she clearly didn't notice.

I did, though, and I started looping curse words in my head.

Robin and Virion were already in the room with Lucina close behind as my face dropped, eyes widening, halfway out of my chair and mouth opening to stop whatever it was Elle was about to say.

I wasn't fast enough to stop this train wreck, though.

"But if you'll have me I'll gladly give you my body, milord!" Elle practically screamed.

There was a silent moment, one almost like the lull between lightning strikes or before the start of a battle, as everything snapped into crystal clarity and focus and I realized I may have gone a little too far this time. Then all at once I sank back into my chair and the world snapped back into motion.

"Ben!" Lucina shrieked in disgust.

"Oh fuck this joke just got out of hand…" I groaned.

Lucina, Robin and Virion were frozen in the door. Fortunately the others hadn't arrived yet, but _why was it always Robin and Lucina_!?

I did not think this one through…

"Joke?" Elle asked in a small voice.

"You are despicable," Robin sighed. "Don't string girls along like that."

"She's half your age!" Lucina seethed.

"You're all half my age!" I snapped. "Virion, back me up!"

"Joke?" Elle repeated, going pale.

"Word of advice," Virion said, feigning ignorance. "Do not seduce the help. Especially if they are adequate at their jobs."

I opened my mouth to defend my, admittedly in poor humor, choice of teasing but never got the chance.

"You bastard!" Elle screamed, smashing me on the top of my head with the tray she was still holding.

And the world went dark.

When I came to someone had obviously moved me onto the floor, because I was lying prone. There was a familiar ringing in my ears, the same kind I got when Lon'qu knocked me out during training, but there was also a roaring background noise I couldn't quite place. Like waves on a shore, coming and going and lapping at my struggling awareness.

And of course, leaning over my rapidly clearing vision, was the source of my unconsciousness.

"I'm sorry!" Elle was sobbing repeatedly. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Do not be," came Lucina's voice. "He deserved it."

"But I struck my lord! How can I continue to serve him now!?"

"Bake him some cookies, he'll forget all about it."

I groaned, blinking the last of the stars out of my vision as the world shot back into focus and the ringing faded. And the other roaring sound in my ears distinguished itself as Virion and Robin dying of laughter on the couch, both clutching their stomachs as they leaned against each other in a vain attempt to stay upright. Robin fell off the couch and Virion tipped onto his back they were both laughing so hard, faces bright red as tears streamed down their cheeks.

"Well. I think I just forgot math. Ugh… my head… I deserved that," I groaned, closing my eyes again and earning fresh peals of laughter.

"See? He agrees," Lucina said.

"Milord!" Elle shouted, practically jumping on me and ending up pushing down on my chest. "Forgive me, Milord! I was not-"

"What's going- father!? What happened!?"

Ohhhhhh this just kept going from bad to worse…

"Elle beaned him on the head-" Robin started to haltingly explain through her laughter as she sat up, but Noire cut her off.

My vision was now filled with my time-travelling daughter grabbing my maid by the scruff and hauling her off of me.

"What the fuck did you do, you little tramp!?" Noire screeched.

"Alright, enough!" I shouted, darting into a sitting position in an attempt to avoid any undue bloodshed.

Way too fast, I realized, as I then proceeded to lean over and puke all over my office's floor to a chorus of disgusted cries and further laughter.

"Ugh… okay, everybody out! Now! We'll have the… the meeting in the sitting room. Elle, mop and… ugh… bucket, if you'd be so kind…"

Blessedly, there was no argument as everyone filed out of the room. I sat there on the floor, nursing my pounding head and trying not to add to the puddle next to me until Elle returned, the sound of footsteps on the floorboards prompting me to finally look up. And find Lucina carrying the mop next to Elle, who had the bucket.

"Didn't I order everyone out?" I groaned.

"I thought I was your assistant," Lucina quipped dryly.

"I am so not in the mood for this," I sighed, lurching to my feet and snatching the mop out of her hands. "Gimme that. Elle, be a lamb and pour some water on the puke. Then go get some of Lucina's fancy scented soap that I paid for- stop looking at me like that or the next place I puke is in your bed."

Lucina's eyes narrowed dangerously as Elle wordlessly followed my orders, splashing a little water on the mess and scurrying out of the room.

"Every time I feel myself growing an inkling of respect for you, you go and do something… something like this," she said quietly, searching for the right words. "I could look past the drinking and the smoking, but this was just cruel. You are an accomplished military commander and a brilliant mind. I know you are, I have seen it. But you act as if you are some common… common drunk."

I slapped the mop down on the mess of my own making and started trying to group it into one area. Fortunately I hadn't eaten much yet, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

"Oh for god's sake, I already had this conversation with your mother this morning," I sighed. I was honestly too tired now to be angry.

"What does that tell you?" Lucina asked, quirking a perfect eyebrow at me.

"That I made poor choices in regards to my friends and your father has shit taste in women? Can we please just skip the life-coaching session? I don't want to hear it."

Lucina just closed her eyes, and I could feel the disappointment radiating off of her. It was like telling my parents I'd dropped out of school all over again, and I felt a spike of irritation. I was doing the best I could here, so why was everyone constantly judging me!?

When she opened her eyes again her face was a carefully neutral mask, and she shoved a vulenary into my hands.

"I don't think you deserve this, but this should help with the headache," she said before turning on her heel and stomping out.

"Fuck off then," I snapped after her. "You don't gotta like me, just do what I say."

Lucina hesitated but didn't respond, brushing past Elle as the maid returned with the soap. As I watched Lucina go I let out a breath, deflating and sagging as the anger I'd been feeling left with my breath.

I had just fucked up.

Lucina had just been trying to help, the same way Sumia had been, and I'd thrown that back in both their faces. I now had quite a few apologies to start dishing out. Starting with…

"I owe you an apology," I said to Elle without preamble. "I've been having a shitty day. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, and I definitely shouldn't have teased you like that. It was a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry, and no I'm not going to fire you for hitting me, I deserved it."

Elle nodded, looking down and almost folding in on herself as she tried to make herself smaller.

"If you want," I said softly, "I can organize to have you swapped with one of Sumia's maids. It'd probably be a lot easier than-"

Before I could finish Elle surprised me for the second time that day by punching me in the shoulder. Of course, she was half my size and a third of my weight, so it barely even made me move, but it still shocked me nonetheless.

Twice in one day? Man I had really pissed her off…

"With all due respect, milord, please shut up," Elle said quietly, still not looking up. "You are a… a jerk sometimes, yes. And… and you're grouchy. But you're also… very kind. I know you sent medicine to my mother when she had the flu. And I know you do the same thing every time anyone even related to the soldiers gets sick. I know you stop to pet every stray dog and cat that will come near you. And I know you always carry some copper coins to drop in beggars' dishes…"

She dropped her hand, clenching the bar of soap in her hands so tight her fingers started digging into it. I figured it was probably a good idea to let her get this out of her system. I'd been trying for months to break through her 'maid shell', and while the timing sucked this was what I had wanted.

"When they were training me in the Palace the older maids told me stories," she went on. "About how nobles were cruel, and treated their staff like animals. How they… forced themselves on… on the pretty ones, and beat the older ones. And you never… did any of that. So no. I won't leave. You're annoying and grumpy and your hair is an absolute pain to get off of your sheets, but… I'm here to take care of you. Because you take care of all of us, too."

"Wow, Elle, I…" I mumbled.

"Just… stop drinking so much," she laughed, finally looking up with a teary-eyed smile. "Please? I like my lord when he's sober and not hung over a lot more."

I rolled my eyes, dropping a hand on Elle's head and ruffling her hair. "Alright, alright, I'll lay off the sauce. Sheesh. Stop with the puppy dog eyes already."

Elle gave a little laugh as I dropped my hand.

"And no," I added, "I'm not letting you clean this up on your own. I made this mess, I'm gonna clean it."

 _In more ways than one_ , I added in my head.

"You tell anyone about those strays and I'll kill you, though," I warned, only half-jokingly.

What? I had a reputation to maintain.

* * *

A little while later I found myself standing around the corner from the sitting room with a couple of rolled up pieces of parchment beneath my arm, doing my best to psych myself up to go in there and face everyone after… what had transpired between me and Elle.

No doubt Robin had spouted the entire story to everyone who would listen, Virion adding color commentary. Because those two were dangerous separately, but, as I had learned recently, they were lethal to my sanity together.

"Just go in and act professional," I told myself, taking a deep breath. "If anyone says anything play it off. Act professional… professional…"

It didn't help that I'd never acted professional for a moment before in my life, but what better time to start then the present?

Working up my courage I bounced off the wall and stepped into the sitting room, where everyone of importance in my employ was waiting for me to start this meeting.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have some missions," I declared, stepping up to the coffee table.

As I passed where Lucina was sitting I hesitated, dropping the unused vulenary into her lap and smiling ruefully. "I think I earned this headache, princess. Thanks, though."

Her stony frown didn't totally dissipate, but it did abate somewhat as I turned towards everyone else.

"I'm sure Robin and Virion couldn't keep their mouths shut, but you can all mock me later. Right now we've got work to do," I said, frowning at everyone present.

Judging from the disappointed looks on Anna and Olivia's faces they had been looking forward to getting caught up on the teasing and gossip, but that could wait. Preferably until I was far the fuck away.

"Two missions," I began, automatically shifting to stand at parade rest. "Virion, the first is for you. You are going to take the entirety of the First Platoon, as well as a good half of Olivia's Third, and go into the southlands. They are experiencing some serious flooding there right now, and you're going to spearhead the relief efforts. Set up a supply chain, start bringing in fresh food and water, give the people shelter. This is what they pay all those taxes for. And more importantly I want everyone to know you're doing it. Make as much commotion as you can. I want goddamn Valm to know that the Royal Ylissean First is aiding these people."

I passed the archer the first of the parchment, sealed with the Mark of the Exalt from the ring on my finger.

"The second mission is a little trickier, so I'll be handling it myself," I said, turning back to the group. "Duke Baham is apparently in open revolt against Ylisstol, and Chrom has asked us to handle it."

A series of shocked gasps and muttering from around the room met my statement, just as I thought it would.

"And yet you are sending the First to do… humanitarian work?" Virion asked, at a loss.

"The civilians in the south are, to my mind, more important," I explained. "The whole concept of the army isn't about just fighting enemies, it's about protecting the people. It doesn't matter what from. Besides, this is all part of Operation: Hearts and Minds. We win these people over by helping them and word gets around that Chrom is the kind of ruler that jumps to help his citizenry, both military and civilian morale shoots through the roof."

"But… you signed these orders," Ricken said.

"And from this moment on that fact is false," I said pointedly. "Chrom signed them. And anyone who says otherwise is wrong."

"So you're going to lie to the people," Lucina said frostily.

"I am the instrument of the Exalt," I said, slowly and clearly. "I am carrying out his will. That he doesn't know about it yet is just a minor detail."

"Okay, this is all well and good, but we're forgetting the little fact that there is open rebellion in the north," Robin pointed out.

"I'm not forgetting, I got distracted," I shrugged.

"So what's your plan, oh vaunted Lord of Tactics?" the white-haired woman asked with a cheeky grin.

"You, me, Lucina and one squad from the Second Platoon go up there and sort this out," I said.

There was a moment of silence as everyone digested this. Of course Robin, being the quickest mind in the bunch, was first to speak.

"A single squad," Robin repeated, her brows furrowing. "Against a Duke in open rebellion, known for his military and tactical skills. And you're going to do this with one squad and three extra people."

"Four," I amended. "I changed my mind, I want Libra to come, too."

"Oh, well, that makes all the difference then," Robin sarcasmed, crossing her arms and leaning back in her seat.

"How hard did Elle hit you?" Virion asked, shaking his head.

I quirked a brow, crossing my arms now. And pointedly ignoring the low growl that Noire let out at the mention of the earlier altercation. Laurent, however, by sheer dint of the fact he was sitting next to her, could not ignore it, and his eyes widened as he scooted away on the sofa.

"I'm not convinced that these reports are accurate," I said, tossing the parchment Chrom had given me earlier onto the coffee table. "Duke Baham is probably the most decent nobleman I've met since I got here, Royal Family excluded. Something about this stinks to the high heavens. So I did some digging on the way back here. These reports came from Baham's neighbor, Fruford. Anyone else know anything about Fruford?"

"Small mining community, based around a central town," Laurent piped up instantly. "It is the location of one of Ylisse's largest gold mines, and was hotly contested between Ylisse and Regna Ferox for a long time before the Feroxi were pushed back beyond the Longfort."

"Okay, yes, but not what I was going for," I said. "Who's in charge of it?"

"Duke Richye," Laurent supplied. "He's young, only recently having come into power by marrying the daughter of the previous Duke of Fruford."

"How do you two know this stuff?" Anna asked, awed.

"I read," Laurent answered deadpan.

"And I made a stop at the Royal Library on the way back. We're getting warmer now, but we're not quite there yet," I said, clapping my hands. "And who is Richye's father?"

"Duke… Beorhito," Laurent said, pausing as the pieces clicked in his head.

"I don't get it," Olivia said.

"Burrito's a prick," I said. "He's slimy, he's borderline treasonous himself, and I'm about ninety percent certain he's withholding tax money from Ylisstol but that's Chrom's problem not mine. And I'm not just saying all of this because he and I don't get along."

"So you suspect foul play?" Libra asked, speaking for the first time.

"It's my job to suspect anything and everything," I said. "And until I get some hard details from Baham or his people I'm not committing troops against an Ylissean target. It'd be a PR nightmare. Make no mistake, though, I'm not going in defenseless. I'm taking the best soldiers Ricken has, who he'll hand-pick once we're done here. Then he'll be on high alert, ready to roll out and come quash the rebellion if things go sideways."

"Baham is a long way from Ylisstol, sir," Ricken pointed out.

"Only a few days if you go hard," I shrugged. "I believe in you. But hey, I also believe in leprechauns, so don't get too motivated."

"So why am I here?" Anna piped up. "Last time I checked, I don't work for you."

"Two reasons," I said. "One, I was hoping to buy a little information and use your contacts to hook my preliminary force up with some transport to the north. Some merchants or something have to be heading up there in the next day or two, Ylisstol is in the middle of a major trade road."

"I think I can arrange that," Anna nodded. "What's the second thing?"

"I'd like you to do some freelance work with Virion as a 'special procurement advisor'," I explained. "I trust him to be able to make all the stuff happen, but I'd feel better if you were working with him to get all the supplies he'll need for the people displaced by the flooding. And yes, you will get paid. By the Royal First, not me personally for a change."

"Ooh, sounds fun," Anna said, rubbing her hands together as dollar signs danced in her eyes. "I charge a fair bit for my consultancy fees."

"I'll leave that between you and my treasurer, Laurent," I said, pointing to the bespectacled mage.

"Wait, when did I become treasurer?" he asked, taken aback.

"When Ricken got too busy to play at it while also leading the second platoon," I explained. "And yes, Ricken, I know you're not too busy yet, but give it a week. All goes according to plan and we'll be up to our armpits in new recruits and work."

"So all of this is one massive advertisement for you," Lucina stated, her tone acidic.

"No, but I'm taking advantage of the situation," I said, struggling to keep my tone level. "We were going to have to deal with all of this anyway, we may as well reap some benefits. Now enough talk. Unless there are any more actual questions then you all have your orders."

There was a brief moment of silence before Ricken slowly raised his hand.

"Um… actually, sir, I was wondering why half of your head is bruised…"

* * *

With a grunt and a monumental amount of effort I managed to get the barbell off of my chest and back up on its stand, gasping with relief as I let my arms fall to my sides and hang off the bench. It had taken a while, but I'd managed to get the specs for and have made another little piece of home; a proper weight lifting bench and all the requisite equipment. It had been cheap, too, because the blacksmith had made the weights themselves from scrap. I didn't need them to stop a sword or look pretty, I just needed them to be heavy. I'd only had it a few days, but I was putting it through its paces. I'd missed hitting the gym and lifting. Don't get me wrong, all the running and training had made me fitter than I'd ever been in my life, but there was just something primally satisfying about bench-pressing more than some of your friends weighed. It was good stress relief, too, and after the day I'd had…

With another grunt almost bordering on pained I reached up and lifted the barbell back down, intent on forcing one more set to push the thoughts of all the fuckups I'd made that day.

After about the sixth rep a shadow passed in front of my lamp, and Robin let out a little chuckle. "You should see your face right now."

"Men make… two faces… outside… of sex… that look… like orgasms…" I grunted between reps. "When they… play a… guitar solo… and when… they bench… their own… body weight…"

Giving one final growl of effort I practically dropped the barbell back into its catch, my arms falling limply to my sides again.

"Don't you do enough training?" Robin asked conversationally.

I glanced over at her from the corner of my eye, the tactician reclining idly on my couch, smiling a little grin as she fiddled with a little pipe similar to my own.

"This isn't training, it's stress relief," I said, sitting up. "Whatcha got there?"

"Pipe," Robin said, tamping down some weed into the pipe. "Want a hit?"

I shook my head. "Can't. Promised Elle I'd stay sober for a while. Where'd you get the pipe? Let me guess… Toady?"

"Toady. And that's too bad," Robin nodded, frowning slightly. She snapped her fingers, making a spark and igniting the dried plant matter before taking a long pull and exhaling. "Figured you'd want some after the day you had."

"I appreciate the thought," I grinned, shuffling over to the couch. "But just because I promised I wouldn't smoke or drink anything doesn't mean I can't get a contact high. Scooch over."

Robin laughed, making space for me. I flopped down onto the couch, my tired muscles crying relief as I took my weight off of them.

"You okay?" Robin asked.

"Yeah, just overdid it a little with the weights," I sighed, leaning back into the couch.

"You know what I meant," she said, prodding my shoulder.

"I do," I sighed.

"And?"

"And I just spent the last hour hurting my muscles so that I didn't have to think about it. And now you're making me think about it."

"You know I'm not the only one worried about you," Robin said, leaning back and relaxing herself.

We both just sat there in the flickering lamplight for a time, watching the stars being obscured by passing wisps of cloud on the wind. It was late now, so the barracks was quiet beneath us, but the sounds of Ylisstol at night still wafted up to us like the smoke rising from Robin's little black pipe.

"I had a bad day," I said finally.

"I noticed," Robin shot back.

"No, I mean… not, like, a bad day bad day, a… ugh… how do I explain it?" I muttered, fumbling for the right words. "I mean every so often I have a day where it all catches up with me. All the old doubts, all the old pain, all the old insecurities. And it makes me… an asshole. More of an asshole. I can't control it, it just happens, and usually I'm better at keeping it together."

Robin nodded, mutely taking another pull from the pipe.

I gave a deep sigh as the smoke drifted over me. "I need to bake a cake."

"Do you have… what did you call it? 'The munchies' already?" Robin giggled.

"No, I need to bake an apology cake," I said, still staring at the sky. "I was a prick to Sumia this morning. I need to apologize. I should probably make one for Lucina, too…"

"By baking a cake?"

"An apology cake."

"Is that a common practice in your world?"

"Meh," I shrugged. "Apologies usually go down better with a generous serving of sugar and icing. Especially when you're apologizing to the fairer sex."

"That's a stereotype."

"You tellin' me that if I fucked up and apologized, having a cake there wouldn't help at all?"

Robin paused, pondering the question for a moment. "Depends on what kind of cake."

"Depends on how bad I fucked up."

"Oh, so there's different cakes for different levels of fuck ups?"

"Yup," I sighed. "I've… made a lot of them. A lot of the time they don't help."

We grew silent again, just looking at the stars.

"You know, they both love you, right?" Robin said eventually. "I don't mean in a romantic way, but you'd have to do something pretty bad to make them hate you."

"I'd say today was pretty bad," I sighed.

"I've only met Queen Sumia a few times in passing, but she doesn't strike me as the kind to hold a grudge," Robin said, pausing to take another pull. "Lucina… well, she practically idolizes you. I don't even think you need the cake with her."

I scoffed. "Are we talking about the same Lucina here?"

"Ooh, you're just as bad as Laurent," Robin smirked. "All brain and no sense."

"Uh huh."

"I'm serious," Robin laughed. "I don't know anyone who would have put up with the amount of your shit that she has if she didn't like you at least a little."

"Good to know," I sighed.

"Stop sighing," Robin laughed, prodding my shoulder again.

"Stop prodding me! My arms are sore!" I moaned.

"Just apologize, act like an adult for a while and they'll forget it ever happened," Robin chuckled.

"Good advice," I nodded. "But I'm still gonna bake the cakes. As insurance."

Robin just laughed.

* * *

 **AN: And we're back! Unfortunately I failed at NaNoWriMo, so my novel is only about a third complete, but hey, it's more than I had when I started. I felt like shit writing this chapter. Unfortunately a lot of it was taken from real-life experiences. I am not a happy post-drunk, and it's cost me dearly IRL (it's why I stopped drinking). Hopefully our intrepid Self Inserter can turn things around, eh?**

 **Follow me on Twitter! - metalloverCAB**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter the Tenth, or "At Last, the Story Progresses!"**

I sat in the back of a gently rocking wagon, my eyes drifting closer and closer to closing as I watched the endless curtain of trees and vegetation pass by. A crisp breeze blew down from snow-capped mountains, the cool wind pricking at my cheeks, and a number of the squad that Ricken had selected had opted to don their jackets and cloaks as they rode in the wagon behind us. Noire was among them, being one of the few to forgo her own cold weather gear.

Beside me Robin shivered, pulling her coat tighter around her shoulders over the blue uniform tunic she wore beneath it. Across from us sat Libra and Lucina, both wearing their usual clothes under thick warm travelling cloaks.

Me? I was sitting in naught but my own duty tunic because I'd been gracious enough to loan my cloak to a still-frosty Lucina, who had surprisingly forgotten hers. Although it wouldn't surprise me if she hadn't, and had only said that she had because she knew my track record of loaning cloaks and jackets to cold women.

This was the first time I'd worn the tunic, though. A dull royal blue colour as opposed to the richer hues of the dress uniforms, this duty tunic I'd had specially made so that I could use the damn thing in the field. Even the buttons were simple black-painted wood, the only ornamentation on the tunic was the patches denoting the First Regiment, a hammer and a sword crossed over the Mark of Naga, and the Mark of Naga surrounded by a wreath that was House Ylisse's symbol on my shoulders. Just beneath the House Ylisse patch on my right shoulder was a circle of five gold stars; my rank. That was it. How Virion intended to do anything even remotely subtle with all the gold frilligé hanging off his own uniform I had no idea, but whatever, that was on him. If he wanted to wear his dress uniform as his duty clothes I wouldn't stop him. Someone had to make us look good, and it certainly wouldn't be me or Robin in our drab blue tunics and her battered old coat.

This was it. My first official action as General, and it was against our own people. It didn't sit well with me. Once I got to the bottom of whatever was going on asses would be kicked.

"Almost there, Sir and Ladies," the driver said from the front.

I hadn't had the heart to tell him that Libra was actually a man, too. Let the old bastard dream.

We'd already been travelling for two days, at the small merchant convoy's pace, too. I'd wanted to get there a little faster, but I was trying to be subtle about this. The wagons were covered, and the soldiers were acting low-key. I didn't want to draw any undue attention on this op, and a convoy of carriages charging through the forest would have done just that.

I nodded, holding up my hand and waving it twice in the pre-arranged signal. The lookout from the squad behind us would see it and relay the order to the third wagon behind them, and they would start getting ready to move out. The plan was to infiltrate Baham from the forest, disembarking from the caravan at a location to the south of the city and approaching through the mountains and hopefully make unhostile contact with the locals. It was a decent plan, the best Robin and I could come up with. I was deferring heavily to her on this one; she was the real tactician, I was just the fake that had played the game before.

With a small snort I realized that was the first time in months I'd thought of this as 'the game'.

The wagons lurched to a halt, and with quick and efficient movements the soldiers disembarked. Thirty men and women leapt from the back of the wagons before moving directly into the cover of the trees to await my instructions. Without a word Lucina and Libra joined them, leaving me and Robin to catch up.

"Thanks for the ride," I said, reaching up to the head of the caravan.

He grinned, accepting my hand and pumping it up and down a few times. "Beats travelling empty. You folks take care now."

I nodded, and Robin and I moved off the road and into the trees ourselves. The road forked ahead, and the caravan was supposed to go to the north-west, rather than follow it to Baham, so I had no worries about word of our group prowling around getting to anyone important until it was already too late. Besides, Anna had assured us that this group was trustworthy. For what we paid for their silence, they had better have been, too. That red-haired devil would be the death of me. She was costing me that damn much…

"Alright, just like we planned," I said as the soldiers came to order. "Trackers, find us a path. The rest of you, split into your fire-teams. The headquarters staff will join a team each. Alpha team, you're with me. Bravo gets our vaunted tactician, Charlie gets my surly bodyguard, and Delta gets the priest. Yes, he's a priest, not a cleric. Stay frosty, ladies and gentlemen. As of now, this qualifies as hostile territory. Do not engage unless I say so. Now let's do this!"

Four slight Chon'sinian men stepped forward, pulling green and brown mottled cloaks over their heads as they disappeared into the forest ahead of us. They were a late addition to my plans, and I'd had to rotate a whole team out of the squad to make space for them, but I wanted to see my new scouts in action with my own eyes. So far, I wasn't disappointed.

As I spoke I pulled my familiar gauntlets on, flexing my fingers to get them to fit right. The men looked at them in awe, one of the braver ones actually giving voice to their curiosity.

"Sir, what are those?" a young private asked.

"These?" I asked, looking down at my gloved hands with a grin. "These are my murder mittens. C'mon, fall in."

The rest of the men split up as we had organized, five a piece for each of the Shepherds, with the unit's medic joining Delta team with Libra. The medic was a scrawny wisp of a man named Dan, who had been a veterinarian before joining up. It was still more medical training than most, though, so he'd been made a medic almost immediately.

The men and woman that made up the first team moved over to me, and with barely a nod we set out after the scouts. Each team was simple; four melee fighters and an archer. I had two swordsmen named Angus and Hale, and an axeman named Mat, and Noire acting as my archer. All three of the men were raw recruits, totally unblooded. Angus and Hale had been farmers, and the only reason that Mat used an axe was that he'd been a lumberjack before joining up. But for that they had all acclimated to the training and lifestyle well, so failing some gigantic catastrophe I was confident they'd keep it together.

Or at least I hoped they would. I wasn't too big on the thought of dying before I got to hit on Tiki.

And despite my early complaints to Chrom after the war with Plegia, here I was doing exactly what I'd given him shit about and leading from the front like a dumbass. But this time it had to be me. Me, personally, to undo whatever clusterfuck this was. I couldn't just let potential bodies fall to pointless infighting when Grima was less than three years away.

In hindsight, though, maybe I should have paid more attention to the scroll Chrom had given me.

Or… brought it with me…

And… not… thrown it out when I'd gotten puke on it.

Meh. No problem. I was the master of winging it at this point.

But with my own troops in the south dealing with the floods I was left with the lighter second and support platoons, so I'd have to be smart about this. Go in, talk to Duke Baham, and go from there. And if he didn't want to talk? Well… wing it.

It didn't take long for the scouts to return to us, Angus and Hale jumping and Mat lifting his axe as one of the slight Chon'sinians appeared beneath a bush. I couldn't tell which one it was; they all looked the same with the camouflage paint they had put on. Not because they were Asian. Not all Asians look the same. The lead scout for this mission was a slight wisp of a man named To'shi, who was a seasoned hunter despite being the same age as Ricken. Although, being unsure which scout I was talking to I decided to play it safe and not pick a random name.

"Report."

"At least three groups, soldiers and mercenaries."

"From Baham?"

"One group wearing the symbols you showed us, at the bottom of the next hill. If they're meant to be hidden guards they're failing miserably. We are surrounded, though."

"Ha! Surrounded? I think you mean 'target-rich environment'! This is going much easier than I was expecting. Fan out, eyes on all groups. I'll make you scouts an opening. Don't get spotted, don't make contact, and no matter what do not come for us unless there's an emergency or until I give the signal. Repeat that last part to me."

"Don't come help unless there's an emergency or until we get the signal."

"Good man, hop to it," I said, waving Robin up.

"But… sir, what constitutes an emergency?" the scout asked.

"I dunno, invading army, hellfire falling from the skies, be creative. Now beat it."

The scout nodded and disappeared back into the forest as Robin and her squad of four approached quietly through the underbrush, and with a nod I led the two squads to the top of the nearby hill. We came to a rest on the shade of a particularly low-hanging willow tree, peeking through the leaves as the rest of the men moved into position around us.

Beneath us a squad of soldiers was spread out, having made a light camp. They outnumbered us about three-to-one, but were quite clearly conscripts. The only thing uniform about their clothes and armor were the crests of Baham, the symbol of an eagle taking flight clasping the Mark of the Exalt in its talons. Poetic. A young man with a ratty mop of dark brown, almost black hair walked out of the single tent, a blue sash over his green tabard denoting him as an officer. With a start I recognized him as the Duke's right-hand man from the Ball at Sumia's hot-mom's party.

"Well, they look comfy," Robin muttered to me.

"What do you think, oh illustrious tactician?" I asked.

"I wouldn't want to steal the spotlight from the 'Lord of Tactics'," she grinned.

"Oh, I have a plan, I'd just like to hear yours," I shrugged.

"Go around, through the trees, continue to Baham without tipping anyone off," she said quickly. "Take anyone we run into on our way down, quietly and preferably non-lethally. It's pretty obvious."

I opened my mouth, about to warn her about the other squads in the forest, but closed it just as fast. An idea formed in my head.

"Sounds good, relay the orders," I said, suppressing a grin.

Robin nodded, slithering back from the tree to whisper the marching orders to the others. Now I let the grin surface, waving my own squad up.

"Okay, I'm going to go do something stupid," I told them in a hushed voice. "When the soldiers move into us surrender without a fight, okay? We'll let them take us right to where we want to go. Make sure you tell the others, too."

"Wh-why didn't you tell Robin that?" Noire asked.

"Fuck her, this is more fun," I laughed.

Then I stood to my full height, drew both daggers off my back and stepped out of the trees at the top of the hill. I took a deep breath of the crisp forest air, totally ignoring Robin's furious hisses that I 'get back in the trees and stop fucking up her plans' and Noire's stifled giggles as I…

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEROYYYYYYYYYY… JENNNNNNNNKINNNNNNNS!"

… bellowed my warcry at the top of my lungs and started to run towards the Baham soldiers alone.

* * *

And so it was that my squad from the second platoon, minus the scouts I had hidden in the forest, was captured by the utterly bewildered soldiers from Baham.

I had crashed into them, laughing like a maniac and punching and kicking like a mule, careful to not do any actual damage to the soldiers beyond scratches and bludgeoning them a little. It hadn't taken them long to subdue me, and for a few moments I had been worried they would actually kill me, but their leader, the guy I had recognized, shouted them down at the last minute and swords and spears had been lifted away from me.

Behind me I could hear the sound of the Baham soldiers crashing through the trees, rounding up the rest of the squad as the tall man in green armor came over to me. He glanced down at me, puzzled, and opened his mouth to speak.

"We're being watched," I cut him off in a low voice.

He nodded, frowning as I stepped up to him.

"Two other squads, maybe more. You take us captive, bring us to your leader. Make it look convincing. And sorry in advance about this."

Then, without further warning I brought my forehead down on his nose, shattering it and knocking the green armored man on his ass. I soon followed as his soldiers swarmed me again, knocking me to my knees and holding blades to my throat. With a throaty roar the man was back on his feet, mail-clad fist knocking my teeth into my ass.

I coughed, grinning through a bloody mouth. I'd bit my cheek. This was gonna be a hell of an ulcer. "You got a good right hook, anyone ever tell you that?"

The man let out another wordless growl of frustration before shaking his head and gingerly probing at his nose.

"Tie them up, we'll bring them back to Baham," the green armored man snapped.

"But, Jeremiah, sir-" one of the other soldiers started before the green unit cut him off again.

"I may be mad but I didn't miss the ring on his hand," Jeremiah explained. "Get them up and moving. And keep him away from me!"

"Love you too, big guy!" I called out, spitting blood.

As they were brought over the other Second Platoon soldiers had their weapons taken and hands bound, too. A few gave me concerned looks when they spotted my face, Noire chief among them, but I waved them off with another bloody grin. Then Robin spotted me, swatting off the men trying to bind her wrists before stomping over to me and slugging me as well. In the exact same spot Jeremiah had hit.

It fucking hurt.

"You jackass now we're captured!" she snarled. "This is why you don't fuck with my plans!"

"Help! Help! I need an adult!" I screamed, utterly failing to hide my big shit-eating grin.

"You are an adult!" Robin thundered, grabbing my collar and giving me a good shake.

"I need an adultier adult! I need an adult that can successfully adult!"

By now I had most of the squad laughing, with the obvious exception of Lucina, and even a good chunk of the Baham soldiers, too. They pulled Robin off of me, binding her hands almost apologetically as the rest began to break camp.

"You'd better have a plan," she muttered once we were left alone again.

"Please," I scoffed. "I just play a fool. I know what I'm doing."

"You could have fooled me," Robin ground out through clenched teeth.

"Idiot," Lucina muttered, brushing past us.

Clearly someone was still mad at me. I couldn't help but smirk, but before Robin could join in on her insults one of the Baham soldiers spoke up.

"Jeremiah! Sir! We have a cleric here!" the soldier called out.

I valiantly tried to keep a straight face as I turned, Libra letting out a frustrated sigh.

"Priest," he said, his tone indicating this joke was getting a little old for him. "I am a pr-"

"Pretty cute cleric, right guys?" I asked over top of him. "You wouldn't bind a woman of the cloth, now, would you?"

The soldier blinked, looking back and forth between me and a visibly incensed Libra, and eventually to where Jeremiah was still nursing his bloody nose.

"Just take her weapon then!" the man called across the camp.

"Please don't be causing no trouble, sister," the soldier said, holding out his hand for Libra's axe.

The blonde priest closed his eyes and sighed, handing over his axe one-handed. The soldier accepted the weapon, making a comical strangled sound as he almost dropped it, using both hands to heft the heavy axe. As he left, struggling all the while under the weapon's weight, I shuffled over to Libra with a bloody grin.

"Just in case, I want one of us to be free to move about," I told him.

"Could you not have done it in a less humiliating way?" Libra muttered, frowning.

God damn, even his frown was gorgeous…

"Nah, more fun this way," I snickered. "You mind going and healing their Captain? I think I broke his nose."

"And what of your mouth?" Libra sighed.

I hesitated a moment, running my tongue over my teeth to make sure they were all still there and in one piece.

"Nah, don't worry, I just bit my cheek," I assured him. "Go build bridges for me."

Libra just sighed again, moving slowly and carefully through the Baham soldiers with his hands in plain sight. Then any more chance for talking was gone when Jeremiah called for the Baham soldiers to move out and we were marched, not unkindly, through the forest. For all his apparent anger issues, Jeremiah was still smart enough to split us up, organizing a column with his men interspersed though my own to stop us from planning anything. It was a smart move, and my opinion of the green units went up a little because of it.

What followed was a few hours of awkward walking through the forest, mostly silent save for the occasional orders passed on from the front of the column.

My men were doing exactly what they had been told in training; they weren't speaking. If asked anything they would answer with their name, rank, affiliation and platoon number. In that order. So if I were following that rule I would answer anything, any question at all, with 'Ben, Lieutenant-General, Ylissean First Royal Heavy Infantry, First Platoon'. Unfortunately for me, I would be the one negotiating. So I wouldn't get the chance to frustrate anyone by repeating that over and over again. Which sucked, because I did so love pissing people off.

The forest was more of the same as we walked through it. Mostly evergreens this high up in the mountains, fallen pine needles crunching underfoot and surrounding us with the smell of a cheap air freshener. A lot of these trees were clearly very old, though. They were huge. Something about primordial forests like these put me at ease, and before long I had a small smile on my face as we walked.

The dried blood on my chin cracked, though, reminding me I'd need to wash soon. I don't know if anyone's ever let blood dry in their beard before, but it's a very unpleasant sensation. This wasn't the first time, either. I'd woken up after a night of heavy drinking covered in blood a lot of times back home, usually with a black eye as accompaniment. And a bunch of text messages on my phone about what an asshole I was.

I lifted my hands, still bound, and tried to brush some of the blood off. It was like dark red dandruff as it flaked out of my beard, and I heard more than a few sounds of disgust from the Baham soldiers around me. To which, of course, I grinned.

"What? Blame your Captain, he's the one that slugged me."

"Quiet in the line!" Jeremiah called from the front.

"Suck a dick!" I laughed back.

"Shut him up!" the Captain barked.

One of the closest soldiers looked at me apologetically as he made a fist, and I sighed.

"Don't bother, I'll behave," I told the man.

"Muchly appreciate, Lord, sir," the man said, and we went back to marching in silence.

As we tromped through the oppressive silence of the forest I had to resist the urge to look around. I had to trust that the scouts were still tailing us. It's what I paid them for, anyway. The other two groups watching us was a little worrying, but I could just assume that they were either soldiers from Fruford, or at worst mercenaries of some sort. Nothing we couldn't handle. Okay, hopefully nothing we couldn't handle.

Eventually we came out of the forest and onto a logging trail leading directly to Baham's outer walls. Unlike Ylisstol, which had long ago outgrown its own walls twice, Baham's walls actually marked the edge of the city. Also unlike Ylisstol's perfect, neat white sandstone walls Baham's barrier was rough native stone, probably throwaway from the mine in Fruford. The city itself was sloped in places, built upon the incline of the hill, but in other places there were open terraces carved out of the terrain; a large open-air market, and what appeared to be housing for the city's elite. A river flowed near the city, whole trees drifting downstream from the logging camps towards the great mills that would treat and refine them, turning the raw material into usable lumber. The forest had once reached right to the hill that Baham was built on, old stumps all that remained like some sort of tree graveyard. The central Keep rising above the rest of the city, rich blue House Ylisse flags still flying from the ramparts next to Baham's own flag, a red hawk in flight over a green backdrop.

"Pretty odd choice of flags for someone supposedly in open revolt," I commented idly as we approached the gates.

"Duke Baham would never betray the Exalt!" the soldier who had told me to shut up earlier snapped.

"Quiet!" Jeremiah barked. "Don't bother."

I shrugged, smirking a little. We were led through the gates and up the main drag. We marched past the marketplace, set into a lower square of the terraced city. People went about their daily business as if nothing was going on, as if there were no civil war on the horizon, but that wasn't surprising. To the layman it didn't matter much who sat on a throne or lorded over them, so long as their taxes got paid and they were protected from bandits life went on.

After a short walk through the city, by which I mean about half an hour all up-hill, we came to the gates of the Keep. Baham Keep was one of those old fortresses, the kind that fairly reek with history. From my research I knew that it had been one of the northern strongholds while Ylisse had still been at war with Regna Ferox, before the time of the Longfort, and it looked it. Despite its age, though, it had held up well; no doubt thanks wholly to generations of Helman's ancestors paying to have it repaired and refurbished every few decades. Unlike Ylisstol's palace, Baham Keep was much more in line with the medieval castles I'd been expecting to see, all grey stone walls and towers and portcullises. It was impressive, but a different kind of impressive than Chrom's palace. This had been a staging ground for a war that had spanned hundreds of years. Ylisstol hadn't, and that difference was clear to see.

Inside the Keep's walls were outbuildings of stone and wood, sheds and shacks to hold equipment or rations. And, of course, the soldiers. I was greeted with my first proper sight of Baham's soldiers, orderly rows of men in mismatched armor wearing the green tabard of Baham as they trained and marched around the space. I was impressed. They weren't as disciplined as my own men, but there was a purpose to their movements, and their officers clearly knew what they were doing. It made me a strange sort of jealous.

We were marched into the main keep, and I finally chanced a look over my shoulder. I didn't spot anything besides more of my own squad or the Baham soldiers, so I figured it was safe to drop the act now.

The main hall was a dark, cavernous space held up with columns and lit with torches rather than lamps or lanterns. It branched off at various points, openings leading deeper into the Keep and staircases leading to an upper mezzanine level. There was no throne here, only openings deeper into the building.

"Well, what have we here?" a familiar voice called. "When I invited you to visit this isn't quite what I meant, Lord Ben. I think you can release the Lord of Tactics and his men, Jeremiah. I trust they will behave."

Baham smiled down from the mezzanine in full armor, resting gauntleted hands on the railing as he watched his men release my own. When they finally took the bindings off my wrists I let out an exaggerated sigh of relief, rotating my hands and grinning at the soldiers.

"Sheesh, my wrist hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen and figured out how to lock a bathroom."

Lucina and Robin gave a collective groan while a few of the less disciplined soldiers snickered, Noire among them. I used my newfound freedom to finally wipe the dried blood off my face, grinning as Helman descended the stairs.

"Let me guess, you upset Jeremiah?" the Duke laughed.

"He's got a good right hook," I shrugged.

"Yes, I know all too well," the older man sighed, rubbing his own jaw wistfully.

In the background the Captain cleared his throat, awkwardly looking away.

"So there's been some kind of confusion I've been sent to straighten out," I said. "Is there somewhere we can talk?"

"I don't participate in espionage, Lord of Tactics," Helman said, his tone still jovial but his eyes taking on a frosty tint. "Whatever you have to say can be said in front of both of our soldiers, I think."

"Okay," I shrugged. "Are you a traitor to Ylisse, Duke Baham?"

"Oh for Naga's sake…" Lucina sighed.

"Delicacy, Ben, delicacy," Robin hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

Helman actually blinked a few times, his mouth slack for a moment before he rallied, his countenance becoming stormy.

"I have never once lifted a hand against-"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" I interrupted him. "Simple yes or no question: are you, or is anyone in your direct employ to your knowledge, a traitor to Ylisse?"

"No, of course not!" Helman shouted, his soldiers bristling around us.

"Okay, good enough for me," I said, clapping my hands and smiling. "Just wanted to clear that up before we straighten all this mess out. So. Fruford, right?"

The Duke just looked at me like he was trying to figure out if I was mocking him or not. After a few moments of this I gave a tired sigh, shaking my head.

"Alright, fine, be that way. Duke Helman of Baham, I believe that you are the victim of some sort of irritating power grab by Duke Beorhito. You're being set up, simple as that. Now, I like you more than I like him, so I'm inclined to ruin his plans, whatever they are, and clear your name. You can make this easier for me by working with me, rather than buying into the 'fool persona' I present to the rest of the nobility. Now. Are you with me or not?"

"I… yes?" the Duke said hesitantly, clearly taken aback. "But… why?"

"I already explained it, I don't like that fat fuck," I said, frowning and rubbing at the back of my head. "Plus… well… ah… Marth! How much can I tell him?"

Lucina jumped, scowling at me. "I leave that to your discretion."

"You're no help," I sighed, turning back to Helman. "Okay. Bad times are a'coming. I need you and your men. Your resources. Your experience. Valm is poised to invade, and I am wholly unprepared to repel them, despite my best efforts to the contrary."

"Actually, I'd say that the current state of the army, positioned in the right places, could-"

"Shut up, Robin, you're not helping either," I growled over top of my clueless tactician.

Then the look she gave me told me she knew exactly what she was doing.

The Duke looked down for a moment, clearly weighing his options. After coming to a decision he looked up, frowning at his soldiers.

"You lot, go watch the city gates! Double the guard on the Western and Eastern gates as well! Jeremiah, see our guests to some decent lodging, have them fed. Lord Ben, if you would be so gracious as to accompany me?"

"Robin, Marth, with me," I said with a nod. "Libra, Dusk, make sure the boys behave."

"We're not all boys!" one of Libra's squad, a large, heavy-set woman with an infectious smile named Marey called.

"Prove me wrong or go with the nice Captain," I called back to a round of laughter.

Now that my men were, hopefully, reassured everything was going according to plan they filed out after the Baham soldiers, Jeremiah leading them. Noire gave me a plaintive look, but a just grinned and shrugged. She wanted to be one of the rank and file, she gets treated like one.

"Come, join me in my study," Helman offered, turning and heading back up the stairs.

Robin, Lucina and I followed the old Duke through his Keep, down corridors and up staircases until we eventually reached what I estimated was the top floor of the main building. His personal apartments. An older, but still handsome, woman rose from her position near the fireplace, setting a needlepoint aside as she smiled and greeted us. She wore a nice green dress, higher quality than what one would find in the village, and her long blonde hair was neatly pinned back from her face. As we got closer I could see dignified streaks of grey in her hair, though.

"Lord Ben, this is my wife, Ethid," he said, moving to stand next to her.

"Milord," she greeted, dropping a formal curtsey.

"Uh… hi," I said, nodding my own greeting.

A young girl, probably close to Elle's age, poked her head out from one of the rooms, her blonde hair pinned back like her mother's but much brighter and fuller. Her bright blue eyes regarded us cautiously, and I couldn't help but think, as she scurried out to hide behind her parents, that she would be painfully beautiful when she grew up.

"And this is my daughter, Cilia. Cilia, this is the Lord of Tactics, retainer to Exalt Chrom. Show some respect."

The girl perked up immediately, moving out from behind her mother and dropping a perfect curtsey. Behind me Lucina cleared her throat, obviously trying to prompt me to introduce the two women behind me. I'd need to ask her to give me the abridged version of 'Ylissean Social Protocol for Dummies' when she wasn't so mad at me… at least she was still helping, though.

"Right, sorry. These two are my staff. This is my tactician, Robin, and my assistant-slash-bodyguard. You can call her Marth."

"You'll excuse me if I don't curtsey," Robin chuckled, stepping forward and shaking Helman's hand. "Looks weird in the coat. Nice to see you again, Duke Baham."

"Likewise, Lady Robin," the Duke nodded, smiling politely as he turned to Lucina. "And I don't believe we've had the pleasure yet, Lady… Marth."

"Just Marth is fine," Lucina said, nodding taciturnly as she shook his hand.

"Very well, Marth. Come, the study is just through here," Baham said with a grin.

"Oh, I'm sure the road to get here was long and tiring. Perhaps our guests would like some refreshments first?" Ethid offered.

"I appreciate the offer, but another time, milady," I said. "We've come to solve a serious issue, and it is time-sensitive, I'm afraid."

"Another time then," she smiled.

Helman led us into his study, a small room very similar to my own office, in that it was an absolute disaster. Books and papers were everywhere, some very old if the yellowing of the paper was anything to go by. In the corner near the door an old suit of armor, still damaged in the side, was set on a rack. I quirked a brow at the suit of armor as Helman closed the door.

"That's quite the hole," I said, indicating the rent in the side of the armor's chest plate.

"Merely a flesh-wound," the Duke said with a grin. "I've had worse over the years. I am a warrior! A soldier! And it looks like my end comes not on the battlefield, but from a dagger in my back, aimed by men I thought were allies."

"Ugh, politics," I groaned. "Like people. I'm not a fan. But hopefully we can sort this out. Get me up to speed."

Helman nodded, sinking into the chair behind his desk. His armor let out a clank as he sat, and he smoothed his tabard over the front of it. I kicked the two vacant chairs opposite his desk at Robin and Lucina, both women giving me a strange look as I perched on the arm of Robin's chair.

"It all started when bandits began raiding the villages near Fruford's border," Helman explained. "Nothing unusual, given this time of year. They like to stock up before the winter, like everyone else. So we chased them down. I led a number of the skirmishes myself. We finally cornered them and ended their threat but… then Fruford began accusing us of attacking soldiers in their border. He sent a small force of mercenaries into my territory as a retaliatory raid, which we managed to rout as well, but… the little snake got word to Ylisstol before I could defend myself to the House of Lords, claiming I was attacking him unprovoked, and all I could do was tighten my own borders and hope for a miracle. He's been probing the border, looking for a way to get back in and harass my villages again, and the mercenaries are still out there somewhere, too."

"That explains the groups watching us in the forest," I said, nodding.

"Wait, there were groups watching us in the forest!?" Robin snapped, glaring up at me. "Why didn't you say anything!?"

"Because we'd already been marked," I explained, rolling my eyes. "The easiest way to get to Baham while making Fruford think he was still safe…"

"Was to make it look like we'd been captured," Robin said, her eyes lighting up in understanding before she punched me in the arm. "Next time clue me in!"

"Ow! Geez, okay!" I groaned.

"But because House Ylisse owns the gold mine, Baham's acts of self-defense were seen as an act of aggression against the crown," Robin sighed, crossing her arms. "Crude, but effective. What's Fruford's angle?"

"Much of Fruford's land is dedicated to the mine," Baham explained. "There was a great deal of deforestation, and their rivers run with waste from the mine. I am more than happy to trade with him for lumber and water, and food he gets from the south, but he felt he could simply take what is mine. I rebuffed him."

"And if he's anything like his dear old dad, he didn't like that," I sighed. "Well, at least the situation is simple enough. Ideas?"

"We get him to confess," Lucina piped up instantly. "You are a Retainer to the Exalt. If he confesses to you, you can clear Duke Baham's name."

"He'll never confess, though," Baham sighed. "He's utterly convinced that he's right."

"So we go convince him otherwise," I suggested.

"Could work," Robin said slowly. "Considering you're Chrom's Retainer you could even order him to back off."

"That's only a short-term fix, but it's a start," I sighed.

"Fruford's men will never let you into his territory, let alone his city!" Baham warned. "They'll kill you long before you leave the forest."

"They're welcome to try," I smirked. "I told you, Helman. I play a fool. No offense, but none of those men that captured us would have made it back here unless we'd wanted them to."

"Ha! A bold claim!" the Duke laughed. "Very well. What is my part in your plan?"

"Batten down the hatches and wait for us to return," I said. "Actually, give me one man to be a guide. I'll leave half our squad here as insurance, and to help defend the city from-"

A commotion outside the room caught our attention, cutting me off mid-plan as Jeremiah burst into the study, sweating and out of breath.

"Duke Baham!" he cried. "The mercenaries have been spotted heading for Padun Village!"

"Mother fucker," I sighed, bouncing off Robin's chair. "I swear to god the amount of alcohol I'm going to consume once this is all done is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've put up with in the last week. And I've put up with a lot of shit."

"Alcohol will not solve your problems," Lucina pointed out with a glare.

"Neither will milk," I shot back.

"Ben, focus," Robin prompted.

"Dammit. Fine. This is fine," I groaned. "We can still work with this. Helman, batten down the hatches. We'll go to Padun before Fruford. The plan stays the same. I'll need a guide."

"Jeremiah will show you," the Duke declared.

"I'll send a messenger once the situation is contained, then you can send some men to handle the recovery once I'm on my way to Fruford. Robin, go downstairs and divide the squad. Dan stays here, Libra and Noire come with us. Go."

"The squad?" Robin asked, already on her feet.

"This way, milady," Jeremiah said, leading her out of the room.

"You only had something like fifteen men with you, Lord Ben," Baham said, rising to his feet himself. "Will that be enough?"

"It'll be overkill," I said, grinning at Lucina. "Especially with the secret weapon I have right here."

"Do not patronize me," Lucina mumbled, blushing as she pushed past me after Robin.

"You have a very… odd choice of company," Helman said.

"Meh. They're pretty, but they're soldiers worth their weight in gold," I shrugged. "Give me those two over ten other men any day. Now, if you would be so kind as to show me a map?"

* * *

We were led by Jeremiah out of the Western City gate to no fanfare. I was thinking of this as another part of the mission, and the soldiers that Robin chose to join us did the same. I left the remainder behind under Baham's command. Robin had chosen Corporal Hames to be in charge of the 'hostage group', a short heavy-set man who had once been the foreman of a lumberyard, his face more moustache and chin than anything else. Of course, they were quietly given the orders to prioritize my own commands over his if there were conflicting orders, but I didn't see that happening. Hames had nodded gravely when I'd passed the orders to him, and I'd grinned and patted him on the shoulder. He was a good soldier, and I'd made sure he knew that the only reason that he wasn't in the First Platoon was that I'd needed good soldiers as officers in the Second and Third. He was wasted on Corporal, though, and as soon as the opportunity came up I had instructed Ricken to promote him.

Angus, Hale and Mat were with us, along with Marey and another archer named Samir, a Plegian expat from the slums out of Themis. He was a crack shot with the bow, though, and so far Ricken assured me he was on the up and up, so I'd decided to let him have a rank in the army. And then there was the Sergeant, an older militiaman named Cyne. I'd had my eye on Cyne for a while now. According to Ricken he'd lost his entire family during a Plegian raid before Maribelle had been kidnapped, and to my eye he showed all the classic signs of PTSD. He was quiet and withdrawn, but he took orders well and was always cool and in control during the training exercises. The only reason he hadn't been put in the First, with his skills and experience, was the look I saw in his eyes. It had been the same look I'd seen in my own, during my darkest days, long before I'd come to Ylisse. I wanted to help him, but I was a busy man, and until he asked for help I wasn't going to push the matter.

"Cyne, take Angus and Samir, scout ahead," I said as soon as we were out of the city. "To'shi and his scouts are out there already, but I want a second buffer going into a hot zone."

Cyne froze, looking from me to Samir with a frown. This common racism was nothing new, especially given the history between Ylisse and Plegia, and I'd warned Samir when he enlisted that this would happen. But we were in the field and I could not tolerate it while lives were at stake.

"Problem, Sergeant?" I asked.

"None, sir," Cyne said smartly. "Angus, Samir, fall in. Let's see if we can find the General's guerillas before we get to the village."

"Mercs, Cyne. They're just mercs," I corrected him.

Cyne shook his head a little before nodding. "Right, sir. Mercs. C'mon, you two, let's move."

I watched the three soldiers jog ahead, a frown creasing my brow as I focused on Cyne's back.

"Think he'll be okay?" I asked Robin.

"Ricken hand-picked him," she shrugged. "He should at least be solid."

Jeremiah glanced over his shoulder from ahead of us. "You have scouts in the forest?"

I couldn't help but smirk. "Bro, I wanted you to catch me so you'd miss the scouts."

The Captain made a little impressed sound before we focused on moving quickly.

I don't know if you've ever tried jogging weighed down by chainmail and bladed weapons, but it takes a good deal of focus, so there wasn't a lot of room for us to be talking among each other. You try marching and running all day with a couple kilos of kit and gear hanging off you, then judge me. The forest passed by as a blur, trees and shrubs all blending together and looking the same after a while as we headed for Padun. It took a few hours of non-stop running, but this is what all that training had been for. To my silent, evil joy, I was even holding up better than Robin, who was panting by the time we reached the village. A few times I felt a familiar tickle in my chest, the beginnings of the old asthma come back to torment me, but I managed to keep my breathing level and under control and keep it at bay. I still had my vulenary stash-pouch, though. Just in case.

Unfortunately I missed my chance to make Lord of the Rings jokes, as we came on Padun late that afternoon. Smoke rising from the forest into the darkening sky in the distance was our first indication that we weren't the first ones on the scene this time, and as we got closer we found Cyne and the other two waiting for us in a small copse of trees overlooking the village.

"Looks bad, sir," Cyne said tersely. "At least thirty guerrillas, heavily armed and armored. Townsfolk running around like mad trying to stay out of their way. Gonna be a messy fight."

I didn't have the energy to correct him this time, leaning around a tree with Robin to get a good look at the mayhem in the village.

"We need to do something!" Jeremiah hissed.

"We will," I told him calmly. "You, go with Sergeant Cyne. Get the villagers out of the village. Robin, Marth, Dusk, you're with me. Cyne, take everyone else and get those villagers to safety so we can-"

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKINS!" Robin bellowed, tearing out of the trees with her sword in one hand as she shot lightning bolts out of the other.

We stared in shocked silence for a beat before my head drooped and I let out an irritated sigh. "Oh my god she just ran in. Well, she's got the right idea. Ladies, let's go help her before she gets herself killed. Cyne, J-dogs, get everyone out of the way now!"

The group split almost instantly, scattering into the village. Noire and Lucina went wide, skirting the circumference of the village while I pushed through a horde of terrified villagers after Robin. I'd lost sight of her in the crowd, but all I had to do was follow the maniacal laughter and random bolts of lightning shooting into the sky. With a small grin of my own I drew my trench knives.

I decided to sideline my sword for this one. It was a good sword, made from strong Ylissean steel, and I'm just sentimental enough to have felt like using it against Ylisseans for its first real action would have somehow tarnished the blade.

I know, I'm a poetic sap.

I caught up to Robin as we made it to the village square, a small group of stunned bandits looking intently at the two matching idiots who were causing all the ruckus.

"Hi boys! Feel like surrendering?" Robin called with another insane laugh.

"Wow it is so weird watching this from the outside," I muttered as I reached her side.

"Anything you can do, I can perfect," she grinned.

A thin, pale man in dark Grimleal robes pushed forward, leaning heavily on an ornate skull-topped staff with one hand as he shoved lank grey hair out of his face with the other.

"Oh shit I know him," I said, eyes widening as a sense of dread settled in the pit of my stomach.

"Wait, what?" Robin asked.

"We… uh… may have bitten off a little more than we can chew," I muttered.

"Who… or what… are you?" Nelson, the boss from Severa's paralogue, sneered.

I had not been expecting this. Nelson had been a fucking pain to kill in the game, especially with the stupid condition that you had to keep Severa's friend Holland alive. He was supposedly a former Valmese general or something, and clearly Grimleal to boot, but I guess that everyone needs a hobby, and mercenary work no doubt paid well. We were supposed to find them in the south with Severa later, but if I could take a later boss out now…

"We're here to stop your terrorizing of the villagers!" Robin shouted above the flames and the panicked civilians.

There was a moment of silence before the assembled mercenaries or bandits or whatever the hell they were burst into raucous laughter. As they laughed I leaned over to Robin.

"Just in case, if you see a redhead with two pigtails that looks like a pissed-off version of Cordelia, don't kill her."

Robin nodded, grinning a little. "Another one of Lucina's friends? Or just another jaded ex-girlfriend?"

"Ha! There's plenty of the latter, this is the former, though," I smirked. "Leave the boss to me. Think you can handle the small-fry?"

"With all the training you've been forcing on us lately I'm going to be mighty embarrassed if I can't. Besides," Robin said, pausing for dramatic effect.

It was at this moment, with perfect damn timing, that arrows started to rain down on the still-laughing enemy, Lucina charging into their midst from the side with a mighty bellow that would have made her father proud.

"That," Robin grinned, pointing for emphasis.

I rolled my eyes as I grinned, too, gnashing my two knives in front of me in a clear challenge for any of the enemy that were still watching.

"Nelson!" I snarled. "Your ass is mine!"

The tables turned on the mercenaries pretty quickly, but that tended to happen when you have a pissed-off Lucina on your side. With Noire providing cover the Princess and Robin caught the mercenaries in a pincer, decimating their number before most of them could even comprehend that they were in danger. Nelson, however, was quicker on the uptake, his sunken eyes widening as he shambled backwards a few steps.

"S-stop! Don't come any closer!" he shrieked. "Do you know who I am!? Damn you, wench, if you ever want to see your precious treasure again-"

"I know, I know," a familiar voice groaned in the press of bodies, and I felt my pulse speed up.

And then Severa pushed her way through the crowd, a wicked frown on her face as she sneered at Nelson.

"You're a real piece of shit, you know that?" I snapped at the mage. "Blackmailing a girl? Fuck you."

"All shall bow to me!" Nelson snarled. "All will serve me! It matters not how!"

I stopped, a cruel grin rising to my face. Severa was looking at me with suspicious eyes. Clearly she recognized me from somewhere, but it wasn't surprising that she couldn't tell who I was when I was this much younger than she was used to.

"Hey, Severa!" I called. "Do you care how you get the ring back!?"

The redhead instantly froze, watching now as Lucina came into her field of vision. The Princess didn't even notice her friend, though, locked in combat with the other mercenaries.

"Because I think we can just take it from his corpse, yeah!?" I finished, starting to stalk forward again. "Anyone that doesn't want to die, throw down your weapons! Because we are not taking prisoners! Is whatever you're being paid worth your lives!?"

"Don't listen to him!" Nelson screeched. "I am your Lord! I am supreme! You will obey me, or face-"

Whatever the skinny man was going to say was lost when he ducked back, bringing up his fancy staff to ward off Severa's blow. She had a smile on her face that would have looked more at home on Tharja than on someone that so resembled Cordelia; a predatory, violent expression that I'm pretty sure I had the trademark on. Nelson actually went pale as he shuffled backwards, Severa and I closing in on him as Robin, Noire and Lucina tore his mercenary followers apart. A few of his men had thrown down their weapons, though, and were kneeling on the ground with their hands in the air.

"Looks like you're not so 'supreme' after all, huh?" I asked with a grin.

"Bah! Fools, the lot of you!" Nelson snarled, rallying and stepping forward to meet us. "I don't need them! I'll find new followers! After I kill you!"

As he came forward he cast a spell, dark magic flux bolts kicking up dirt and carving deep gouges where Severa and I had been standing moments ago. We both went wide, each of us taking a different side as we came for the mage. I went low, the way Panne had taught me, and I was surprised to see Severa doing likewise, her sword poised to dart up the way I'd been practicing with Lon'qu.

To his credit, though, Nelson wasn't as big a push-over as his men were. He alternated between the two of us, flux spells forcing Severa and I to jink and dodge as we closed in on him, buying the psychopath more time to think up a plan.

Then we were on him, Severa bringing her sword up as I slashed with my knives. Nelson parried Severa's blow with the haft of his staff, catching my own attack on his ribs. My knives bounced away after cutting through his robes, though, revealing the mail armor underneath.

"Paranoid, aren't you?" I laughed, lashing out again.

Severa let out a wordless snarl of rage, spinning and trying to decapitate Nelson, but her sword bounced off the ornate skull atop his staff. It had been close, though, and Nelson was actually starting to sweat now. My own blows were regularly sneaking past his guard, he was so busy focused on Severa, and while I wasn't piercing his armor I was keeping his attention. But, then again, I wasn't trying to pierce his armor yet. I wanted Severa to take this kill. Call me a stickler for the narrative, but I always liked it when she finished Nelson off in the game.

I rolled my eyes as Nelson backpedaled again, switching my grip on my knife in my right hand. Until now I'd basically just been punching at him with the blade. This time I actually stabbed him, and no doubt lulled into a false sense of security Nelson totally ignored me as he swiped at Severa with his staff. He let out a little gasp as my knife sunk into his side, and then a scream as Severa impaled him on her sword.

"Give. It. Back," she hissed, inches from his face.

Nelson didn't answer, gasping one last time before choking on the blood welling up in his throat. Severa and I both pulled our weapons free of his chest at the same time, and the mage crumpled. Thinking of being merciful I stepped over him, ramming my left-hand knife into his heart. He spasmed once more before going still, the light gone from his eyes.

Severa was already rooting through his pockets, giving a tired sigh as she leaned back and beheld the old ring in her hand.

I glanced up, happy to see the majority of the other mercenaries were surrendering now that their boss, or 'lord', was dead. Noire almost looked disappointed, but Robin and Lucina looked almost as unflappable as ever.

"Robin, why don't you go find Cyne and tell him it's safe to bring the villagers back. Noire, go with her, please," I called.

At Noire's name Severa's head snapped up, her gaze falling on my daughter and her jaw dropping.

"Noire!?" Severa shouted, jumping to her feet.

"Sev!? Severa!" Noire practically cheered, dashing across the square to wrap the redhead in a giant bear-hug.

Noire was laughing as she buried her face in Severa's shoulder, the confused redhead's gaze now falling on a smiling Lucina. It was rare to see the Princess smile so unreservedly. It always made me remember just how pretty she was. Or could be, when she wasn't being a gigantic pain in my ass.

"Why don't you let them have their reunion," Robin said. "I'll be fine on my own."

"This is still a hot-zone until I say otherwise," I pointed out. "I don't know that there's not more mercs hiding in the town."

"There's not!" one of the nearby men piped up, earning a kick from Robin.

"Just go," I sighed. "Reunion later. Luce, get her caught up. I'll keep an eye on the prisoners."

"Do not call me that," Lucina snapped for the thousandth time.

Noire looked more excited than I'd seen her in weeks as she and Robin picked their way through the square and back to where the others had headed with the villagers, leaving me alone with the remaining mercenaries. Out of the roughly thirty that had started, there were six left, all still kneeling with their hands in the air. As Severa and Lucina began to converse in hushed tones I smirked and walked towards the mercenaries, none of them meeting my gaze.

"Oh for god's sake, put your hands down. You all look like idiots," I laughed. "Reach for weapons and you die. But otherwise, relax. I have some questions. Let's start with the easy one. Who hired your group?"

There was a moment of silence, in which the men exchanged glances before the one that Robin had kicked earlier gave a tired sigh.

"We can't break confidentiality," the mercenary said, his tone resigned. "If you don't kill us and word gets out that we did, we'll never get work again."

"I see," I said thoughtfully, squatting down in front of the man. "What's your name?"

The mercenary glanced up at me from beneath a long fringe of dirty brown hair, his plain face streaked with dirt and scarred from brow to jaw.

"It's… Waltgraf, Lord. My friends call me Walt."

"Okay, Walt, I want you to listen closely," I said, rising back to my feet. "And this goes for the rest of you dumbasses, too. I put out a call for any able-bodied men to serve the Exalt in his army almost a year ago now, and men with any combat skill at all were basically accepted on the spot. With your experience, I have no doubt that any of you would have made the cut. Instead, I find you all here, pissing away your lives and making my own difficult. It feels like a waste. A waste of my time, and a waste of your lives. Tell me who hired you. Answer my questions. Then get your asses to Ylisstol and enlist!"

The six men looked at me with blank expressions, stunned in the wake of my rant.

"I won't ask a third time," I warned.

"You'd… really enlist us?" one of the mercenaries asked.

"I ain't serving no crown for nothing!" one of them snapped.

"Ask any of the soldiers brining the villagers back, I pay pretty damn well," I said. "Way I see it, you lot have a debt to the people of this nation for your… misdeeds. You can pay it with your lives, here and now, or you can pay it with your service. And still make some decent coin in the meantime. Now…"

"Duke Fruford," Walt sighed, deflating. "It… was Duke Fruford what hired the boss."

"Good lad," I said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "That's all I needed to hear. On your feet. Head back to Baham, leave your weapons here. Find Corporal Hames, he'll be wearing the same kind of uniform I am with two horizontal stripes on his shoulder where my stars are. Tell him I sent you, and he'll put you to work. Asses in gear! You work for me now! Move it, move it, move it!"

The six mercenaries stumbled to their feet, looking at me with a mixture of fear and awe.

"Just like that?" Walt asked softly.

"Oh, trust me, once you start training you'll wish I'd killed you," I laughed. "Until then it's time to start paying your debt. Get out of here before I have to beat the pissed off villagers off of you. Now. Get. Scat."

I shooed the mercenaries away, who began to run as a group in the direction of Baham.

"Well, aren't you mister nice-guy?" Severa asked behind me.

I glanced over to her and Lucina, the Princess watching me with a guarded expression.

"It felt like a waste to kill men just doing their jobs," I shrugged. "Now, they work for me. You okay?"

Severa nodded. "Thank you for your help," she said, as if the words were physically painful to her.

"No problem. You going back to Baham or coming with us?" I asked.

"I'm going with you," she declared, as if there were no arguing.

"Okies. Get ready to move. I want to be in Fruford before dawn," I shrugged lazily, stepping up to Lucina and growing serious again. "You think the third group saw us?"

"It would have been hard to miss us," Lucina nodded, her voice low. "Although we still don't know where they're from."

"I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that they're Fruford regulars," I said, smiling amicably like we were just talking about the weather.

"So they know we're coming?" Severa asked, frowning.

"Oh, child," I laughed, my smile growing cold. "I want them to know we're coming."

* * *

 **AN: Oh me, oh my, the story finally progresses. Forecast says two more chapters of this arc, two or three for the next filler arc, then on to Valm! Yes, I'm introducing Severa** _ **even earlier**_ **this time! Because it's never established just how long most of the characters are there for. Given that Laurent arrives three years before Lucina does, it makes sense that some of the others are already there. So in this continuity, Severa's been working as a mercenary for about a year now. It'll come up in story, I just wanted to get that out of the way now.**

 **OCs have begun invading. I'm using a random name generator for the majority of them, but some are based off real people. Consider my inclusion of them a form of petty revenge. Kinda. Sorta. Okay, not really considering how keen they were about being name-dropped in the story, but still…**

 **Follow me on Twitter! – metalloverCAB**


	11. Chapter 11

**(TRIGGER WARNING: There's some pretty dark content in this chapter. Y'all have been warned.)**

* * *

 **Chapter the Eleventh, or 'Is that a knife in my dick?'**

I let a breath out my nose, focusing on my breathing. I gave a little old man groan as I sunk down to sit on a crate, upwind of the smoke from the fires that the villagers were busily putting out so my asthma didn't bug me any worse.

Robin was running around, bossing around the squad and any of the villagers foolish enough to come within shouting distance of her. Which was pretty far, girl had a set of pipes on her. Under her firm yet still surprisingly sexy guidance they all had the fires under control and were actually beginning clean up duty.

Fucking video game world, everybody but me and the NPCs looked like an underwear model.

I'd seen Chrom's abs! I didn't know you could make abs look like that without airbrushing!

And let's not even get started on that confusingly attractive bastard Libra, currently seeing to the injured villagers with what was apparently a literal halo around his head…

I'd been spending a little time watching as Lucina and Noire caught Severa up on current happenings off to one side, smiling a little bit as Noire laughed and hugged the redhead again. Once the villagers had things in hand Robin had relieved Noire to 'assist Marth with the new girl's induction'. Severa, like the others had been, was looking pretty rough. She obviously hadn't been back in this time long enough to take advantage of the abundant sustenance. That, or she'd been treated like a slave by the mercenaries she'd been rolling with. I was thinking a little of both, no doubt. But although thin, she still held herself with a vital energy, and I could see the fiery wrath behind her tsundere glare. She looked just like a pissed off version of her mother, all laser-focus and beautiful, Greek-statue-like features.

I glanced up from the trio as boots approached, turning to see Jeremiah with an uncomfortable look on his face.

"What's the haps, J-dogs?"

The other man let out a deep sigh before snapping to attention, eyes focused directly above my head. "I'm... sorry, milord. For my... rough treatment of you today. I would... appreciate it if I were to be shown leniency."

I blinked a few times before answering, considering my words carefully. Had he done something while I wasn't paying attention? Because as far as I'd seen, he'd been the perfect model soldier. "Uh... okay? Why? What'd you do? Did you kick a puppy while I wasn't watching? Because I know there's no animal protection society here yet, but I'll still kick your ass."

"What?! No!" Jeremiah cut in instantly. "Don't you remember? I kind of... punched you in the face. Hard. It was just a rash moment of anger, and you are a lord. An apology is only proper."

"What-what?" I said with a confused smirk. "I... wanted you to punch me. Weren't you there for that part of the conversation?"

There was an awkward moment of silence, Jeremiah's gaze actually dropping back down to me as his mouth worked soundlessly for a few seconds before finally speaking. "Seriously? You're certain? I don't remember anything like that."

"Will you sit the fuck down?" I laughed. "You're making me antsy."

There was a brief moment of hesitation before the younger man muttered "Umm okay," before stiffly taking a seat on the log next to me.

"Okay, abridged version? I wanted you to take me in to your lord so it looked like we were being captured. I can't very well be mad at you for hitting me when I wanted you to hit me to make it look real. If you had stabbed me? Then I'd be mad. If you had hit me a few more times? I'd be mad. But you handled the situation with mostly cool professionalism. Or something like that. Look, point is I'm not angry so... like... apology accepted but unnecessary? I guess?"

Jeremiah just blinked at me for a few long moments, as if he were trying to see any duplicity in my statements.

"I'm not going to spending time in a dungeon for this?" he asked after a moment of thought. "No interrogators in my future?"

"What? No!" I laughed, deciding to have some fun with this. "What you do in your free time is none of my damned business. Why are people here so hung up on this shit? I. Don't. Care. I had forgotten until you told me. Should I, like, punish you or something to make you feel better? Is that what this is about?"

My grin took on a decidedly evil tint as I eyed the uncomfortable soldier. "Do you need a stiff spanking? Because I can get one of the girls to administer it."

Jeremiah's eyes widened, and he actually turned pale.

"That... won't be..." he stammered, clearing his throat, "necessary. It's just... if it were anyone but Duke Baham, or yourself, now that I think about it, I'd be spending several weeks rotting in a dungeon or worse."

"You sure?" I snickered, before adding half-seriously, "Because the one with the blue hair has a lot of anger issues she won't admit to, and I want someone else to be her punching bag for a while..."

It was at this exact moment, with perfect timing, Lucina used her longsword she'd taken to using instead of Falchion to smash through the wall of a mostly-burned house, allowing the rubble to harmlessly fall before anyone else could be hurt by the collapse. Jeremiah watched, too, and an audible gulp came from the man.

"I think I'd rather take my chances with a dungeon," Jeremiah told me honestly.

"Smart man."

"Well, I'd best be off, for now, I need to help coordinate-" Jeremiah started.

"Sorry, not to interrupt your moment or anything, but we have work to do."

I glanced up at Robin, looking down at where we were sitting and clearly doing her best not to grin.

"No, it's fine, it was hardly a moment," I shrugged, rising to my feet with another small groan and giving Jeremiah a back-handed pat on the chest without even glancing at him. "Good talk, big guy. Status, Robin?"

"No, really, like, we can wait, I can help the villagers some more if you two need to hug it out-"

"Oh please gods no," Jeremiah muttered.

"Status. Robin?" I repeated.

"Ready to move," she said, all business again aside from the giant grin on her face. "Latest additions are en route to Baham, villagers have the fires out. To'shi and his squad made contact. We have a clear path to the border."

"Well then by all means," I said with a nod.

* * *

Fruford was an ugly city. Built at the mouth of the gold mine, the city itself was cut into the earth like an ugly scar on the Ylissean countryside. It was even uglier in the twilight, fires from the mine opening and the industrial area around it casting the purple light with red, making the city seem all the more hellish. The clanging of hammers and the whooshing hiss of the bellows still cut through what should have been a peaceful evening, and I realized I was looking over what would be the site of the future Ylissean Industrial Revolution.

My Ylissean Industrial Revolution. A place like Fruford would be exactly what I needed for my plans.

Workers milled about in a shanty-town-slum outside the walls of the main city, the walls themselves as grimy and dirty as the poor in the slum. The city, from what I could see, didn't look much better. Like Baham it was a town that had sprung up around the central Keep, but unlike Baham I didn't see any House Ylisse flags anywhere. All I saw was the ugly grey of Fruford and Beorhito's family crest. Harsh torchlight danced in the dirty streets, squads of armed guards and soldiers marching, enforcing what appeared to be a strict curfew inside the city walls a little too gleefully. Civilians, the people these guards were supposed to be protecting, fled from the armored men who hooted and hollered at the flight. Those that were too slow received blows hard enough to send them sprawling. I had to look away before my anger at the men abusing their authority made me do something stupid and reckless. I didn't like bullies. Outside the walls in the slum fires had been lit and the sound of people actually living and existing reached my ears, even from our vantage point above the city, but I guessed it would only be so long before the guards got bored in the city and decided to make a move outside to the slums. Judging from the fervor with which the workers in the slum were drinking and carrying on, they knew it, too.

We were watching from above, the city itself set into a small canyon of spoil from the mine. But this wasn't loose rock and dirt, this had solidified decades ago and changed to terrain thanks to the hand of man. There was no forest to hide in, so we made do with the irregular terrain, keeping low and spread out. I and most of the others had rubbed the dark grey earth onto our faces and hair, only Jeremiah and Severa forgoing the camouflage. Robin and Lucina were both still gorgeous, even with their hair and faces filthy. Libra, too; the dirt simply made him look all the more resplendent.

Robin, Lucina and To'shi were with me, Jeremiah not far behind. A little to our south Cyne and the rest of the regulars were lying in wait with Libra, Noire and Severa, the rest of To'shi's little squad already scouting the slums.

"It's too crowded," I said, eying the shanty. "We'll never get through the slum undetected."

"Isn't that what you want?" Robin asked, "For them to know we're coming?"

"No, I wanted them to know before, and they do," I clarified. "Look, they've got to have tripled the city guard, strict curfew… I don't want them to know when we're actually in the city. I wanted to make them nervous and we did."

"Yes, now we have only to fight our way through all the guards at once," Lucina said acidly. "What brilliant planning."

"Shut up, Princess, I'm working on it," I growled. "To'shi, do you see another entry point?"

"The mine looks like the best bet, sir," the Chon'sinian said without preamble. "Last shift left just as we were arriving, they mustn't work during the night. Should be abandoned by now."

"Probably still have a few guards," Robin pointed out. "No one's stupid enough to leave a hole full of gold undefended. Even if they are related to Duke Burrito."

"Oh gods," Lucina groaned.

"Hey-hey, it's catching!" I laughed.

Robin just shot me a grin, her smile a slash of white in her filthy face.

"We can take em," I added confidently, turning back to the city. "The patrols are still pretty spread out. We go in fast, quiet and hard, and we don't stop til we hit the Keep. To'shi, grab your boys and go scout it out. We'll meet you at the entry point."

"Ah… actually, Su'ko is a woman…" the scout said hesitantly, trailing off.

"I really don't care," I said, quirking a brow. "I'll get to know everyone's names later. For now, hop to it."

One of them was a woman? Weird, how did I not notice that…?

To'shi nodded, already slithering down the slope of shale and grey dust when I turned to Robin and Lucina, Jeremiah coming up now that the scout was in motion.

"How did you not notice Su was a girl? I thought you had a sixth sense for women-folk," Robin grinned, her bright eyes almost glowing in the weak light. "Or are you one of those people that thinks all Chon'sinians look the same?"

"Har har, laugh it up funny-pants," I muttered, grateful that the darkness hid the darkening of my cheeks. "I've been too busy to make notes on who's who. Focus. Please."

"Well, since you asked so nicely," she chuckled.

"Okay, here's the plan," I said, addressing the three of them. "Jeremiah, fall in with Sergeant Cyne. Send Libra, Dusk and the redhead up here. We'll be the breach team. The rest of you come in after us, watch our six. Try to stay non-lethal; these aren't mercs, these are Ylissean citizens. We go through the city fast and hard, make for the Keep but try to be subtle. Anyone gets separated they're to get out and make for Baham. Don't stick around and try to regroup, just get the fuck out. Got all of that?"

"Follow your team, incapacitate anything you miss, get out if we're separated. Got it," the soldier nodded, backing away and scrabbling through the dark for Cyne's squad.

"So, what do we do once we get to the Keep?" Robin asked seriously. "Knock on the door and hope for the best?"

"Yeah, pretty much; we get to the Keep and make a scene," I said. "Make sure everyone knows who we are and that we're there. Once we do even the Duke won't be stupid enough to attack the Exalt's retainer, and once I have his attention I try to talk him down, at least temporarily."

"This feels like half of a plan," Lucina groused.

"Hey, Duke Fruford's own plans rely on him being the good guy, the victim," I shrugged. "Kinda hard to play that card if you attack the people claiming to be coming to help. Especially when they serve your liege"

"It could work," Robin shrugged. "But if it doesn't I'm never going to let you hear the end of it."

"I'd expect no less from you," I deadpanned.

"Even if we only live long enough for me to get one or two 'I told you sos' out," the tactician went on drolly.

"I wish to join in on the mockery when this plan goes awry," Lucina added airily.

"If," I groaned. "If this plan goes- fuck you both it'll be fine! Show a little faith in your commanding officer!"

"Who's fucking?" Noire asked, appearing at my shoulder.

"No one," I snapped quietly.

"The universe," Robin smirked. "The universe is about to fuck your dad."

"Ew," Noire gagged.

"I'd actually pay to see that," Severa muttered, her voice a husky purr in the near-dark. "What are we actually doing here again?"

I rolled my eyes. "We're on a mission to get coffee and doughnuts. Unfortunately, the Duke of Fruford and his people ate all the doughnuts and drank all the coffee, so now we have to go kick their asses."

"I actually like that plan more," Noire said. "Especially because it d-doesn't involve my father and the word 'fucking' in o-one… sentence… ew…"

"Excuse you little lady," I frowned. "That's two cusses. If you weren't a grown woman I'd think a spanking was in order."

"Oh, that's so wrong," Robin snickered.

"Oh. My. God. Fuck you all. All of you. Except Libra," I groaned, feeling like a deflating balloon. "This will work. The plan will work."

"Thank you for leaving me out of the proverbial intercourse," Libra sighed, prompting a vein to twitch in my forehead.

"Famous last words," Robin snickered.

"I'm pretty sure my last words are gonna be 'well, shit, that didn't work," I deadpanned. "Y'all are the cloak of darkness smothering the fire of my fun, ya know that? Now, if we're all done mocking me? Yeah? We good? Can we get on with the mission now maybe?"

* * *

Fruford wasn't much prettier up close, but by the time a silent To'shi led us through the area around the opening of the mine it was at least blessedly dark enough to hide the city's ugliness.

The mission proceeded as intended, Lucina, Noire and Severa making short work of the guards we came across. Occasionally Robin, Libra and I had to get our hands dirty, too, but the time-travelers were like a silent, efficient machine. Lucina would duck, and there would already be an arrow from Noire sailing over her head. Severa would spin away from an enemy, and Noire would be there filling the gap with a roundhouse kick. Lucina and Severa dodged and weaved between each other, confounding their foes while Noire picked them off with precision shots that would have made Virion green with envy. Robin and Libra looked equal parts impressed and terrified, but I was sure that the darkness hid the sad expression on my face. This is what those three girls were used to; sneaking around in the dark, fighting silently and desperately in the hopes that their vanquished foes didn't call reinforcements.

Fortunately, it appeared they were following my orders and leaving the guards we encountered alive. Although there would be a lot of new scars among Fruford's soldiers in the morning; just because they were being non-lethal didn't mean that the girls weren't hurting the men. Noire's arrows were razor sharp, and I knew from experience how heavy the swords she liked to use were. And honestly? Severa just looked like she was having too much fun.

My own knuckles ached beneath my gauntlets, having spent far too much time practicing my sword and dagger techniques instead. It had been some time since I'd had to beat things to near-death with my bare hands, and those hands were screaming at me now. My custom trench knives, every self-insert's dream weapon, were hardly subtle. They were an offensive weapon, too small and finicky to be anything but murder tools in my inexperienced hands. If I had trained all my life to use them I had no doubt that I'd be able to strike non-fatally with them, but as it was it had only been a little over a year. All I had done with the weapons was practice killing, not disabling. It was a thought that made me a little sad. I felt like if Jiminy Cricket were here, he'd be very disappointed in me.

We made quick progress through the darkened city, hiding in alleyways when it was necessary, avoiding fighting wherever we could. I was surprised that I felt little fear, aside from the usual 'I'm working' heightened anxiety level. Probably because I was behind the three-girl-wrecking-ball team.

Ducking behind a stack of earthy-smelling crates in one alley I watched Severa and Noire fade into shadows across the street, Lucina crouching behind me and pressing herself against my back to share the hiding spot. Libra and Robin had disappeared further up the alley, hiding in a recessed staircase and lying in a gutter, respectively. The guards marched by obliviously, making me grateful we took the extra time to stash the unconscious bodies as we moved.

Behind me I could feel Lucina pressing her hand into my shoulder, and I slouched down further so she could get a better look at the passing guards, and I felt my focus wander for a moment. With a small guilty pang I found myself enjoying the contact, the feeling of her body and heat pressed into mine, her breath on my neck, no threat of imminent violence from her.

"Let's go," Lucina whispered in my ear, before separating from my back.

In a second the pressure and heat were gone, the time-travelling princess moving back into the street like a silent wraith. I spared a moment to make sure that Robin and Libra were following before joining her just as Noire and Severa appeared from the shadows. We were close now, and I had to focus. The Fruford Keep loomed over us, blocking out the moon and stars like a big stone eclipse.

There was a sound of a scuffle to our rear, and I spun in time to see one of my soldiers pulling a civilian into an alley behind us, the Fruford men obliviously rounding a corner at the end of the block. The civilian man had looked terrified, and I hadn't been able to see which soldier it had been. All I'd seen were his eyes. That thousand-yard-stare gave me chills. I had a bad feeling in my gut, and silently I began to double back. Robin fell in silently at my shoulder, giving me a questioning look. I answered by pointing at the alleyway and turning to give Lucina a wordless 'hold position' gesture. She nodded and the rest of the group disappeared back into the shadows. To my surprise, Lucina started silently running to catch up with us.

Once we entered the alley I heard a muffled whimper and the sound of someone dragging a body. A shadowed form loomed over the civilian, little more than a boy out breaking curfew, but I still couldn't see the soldier's face. Those bars on his shoulder, though, were easy enough to recognize.

"Sergeant, what the fuck!?" I stage whispered.

Cyne looked up, the expressionless mask on his face sending a chill down my spine. It was impossible to miss the army-issued dagger in his hand, glinting in the moonlight.

"Insurgents, sir," Cyne reported, deadpan. "Guerillas. Found this one about to…"

As he'd been speaking I'd been steadily marching forward, until I was close enough to slap the knife down, away from the kid.

"Stand down, sergeant," I said, my voice low and dangerous.

"Sir, I-"

"Stand. The fuck. Down."

Cyne nodded, stepping back and sheathing the knife at his hip. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"Robin, get this kid up and give him a vulenary. I want him safe and out of the way five minutes ago," I said over one shoulder, before glancing down at the kid. "Trust me, she's much gentler than he is. Think you can stay quiet?"

The boy nodded, sniffling pathetically. I gave him a small smile and grabbed Cyne by the arm, dragging him to the back of the alley where the rest of his squad was waiting with Jeremiah.

"Sergeant Cyne, you are hereby relieved of duty as squad leader for this mission," I growled through clenched teeth, loud enough to make sure the others all heard me. "Jeremiah is to assume command. You will fall in and not make an idiot of yourself for the rest of the mission, and when we get back to Baham you and I will have a long talk about the definition of 'insurgents'. Clear?"

"Crystal, sir," Cyne said, looking down at his boots.

"Get your goddamn head in the game before you get us all killed," I hissed, this time just loud enough for him to hear.

Robin and Lucina were waiting for me at the mouth of the alley, giving me curious looks.

"He's losing it," I said, shaking my head.

"Is he going to be a liability?" Lucina asked coldly.

"If he becomes one we'll deal with it then," I said. "I'm not just going to kill him because he's a little unhinged. Robin, where's the kid?"

"Gone," the tactician said. "Poor bastard was just making sure his girlfriend got home safe. Said the guards tend to get 'grabby' after dark."

I gave an irritated sigh through my nose, shaking my head again.

"Have one of To'shi's people keep an eye on Cyne. I put Jeremiah in charge of the squad. Proceed with the mission. I want to be out of this dirty hell-hole already."

* * *

After that it was pretty much a straight shot to the Keep, which we infiltrated in short order. Guards all over the city, and what appeared to be only a token force left at the Keep itself. We simply waltzed right up to the side door, which To'shi's squad had already secured, and went right on in. There were three unconscious guards lying neatly arranged against the wall, one of the scouts still binding the hands of the third man.

I would be having words with Chrom to ensure his own guards were a little more… prepared for infiltration attempts once we got back to Ylisstol.

I waved the rest of the squad up, stopping To'shi before he could lead his own men inside.

"Stay here, hold our exit," I whispered to him. "If this goes bad I want a way out."

The smaller man nodded and said a few hushed words in Chon'sinian, the rest of his squad melting back into the shadows we had come from. I had to admit, the little guy was starting to grow on me. It was nice having someone that worked for me who didn't constantly question me.

"What about us?" Robin asked.

"We do the same thing I did in school," I said with a grin, using a rag to wipe the dirt from my face and head. "We fake it 'til we make it. I want all of you to take up honor-guard positions. Let's let 'em know we're here."

"This has got to be the worst… the most hare-brained…" Lucina muttered, falling in with Robin at my shoulder.

Behind her Noire grinned, clearly suppressing a giggle next to a nonplused Severa. Jeremiah and the rest of the squad were straightening their tunics and lined up in two orderly rows behind the girls. Even Cyne at the back looked like he was taking this seriously now, which was what we had so desperately needed.

"Backs straight, boys, eyes forward. Show 'em how the First do it," I said over my shoulder. "And Jeremiah? No matter what happens, roll with it. You gotta trust me, okay?"

"Very well… sir," the local man said slowly.

I nodded, satisfied. Then we began to march, something that we had all drilled almost to death. Jeremiah was out of step at first, but fortunately caught on rather quickly. The servants we encountered moved out of the way pretty damned quick, and it wasn't long before we came out into a Great Hall that gave even the palace in Ylisstol's a run for its money. Gold gilt was everywhere, embedded in columns and statues glittering in the torchlight, heraldic shields and standards hanging from the walls. They were all of House Beorhito. A few old mining tools were hung in places of honor, too, for what reason was unclear.

Sitting at the other end of the hall beneath a massive crest depicting a crossed pickaxe and hammer beneath the Mark of the Exalt was who, I guessed, was the Duke. Richye was a small man, still young but already beginning to resemble his father. Thin limbs looked out of place attached to his large stomach, the beginnings of obesity due to over-indulgence. He had a pallid cast to his skin in the torchlight and wiped sweat from his large forehead with a lace handkerchief. His hairline was already receding, and according to the records I'd pulled in Ylisstol he was only nineteen.

He also had, I was amused to note, a rather large protruding jaw. It was far more prominent than his father's, sticking out quite a bit. I don't know if anyone knows anything about the royal inbreeding of medieval Europe, but the big-ass jaw and beady eyes were a hallmark of it. His mom was also probably his aunt or cousin or something.

Next to him were two women in noble finery, exorbitant dresses clearly denoting how wealthy a city Fruford was. They both had dark hair, streaks of grey prominent in the elder's. The previous Duke's widow and Richye's wife, more than likely. They were both pretty enough, but there was an intense spark in the widow's eye as she watched us like a hawk, while Richye was still fumbling and blustering at the intrusion like a dumbass, that made me wary of her. No pampered, stupid noble girl, this woman. Her daughter, though, shied away as if afraid. No fire in her, a classic woman of the nobility. Records had put her at sixteen.

"Someone announce me," I whispered quickly as we entered the firelight.

"What?" Robin hissed back.

"Announce me, make it official-sounding!" I said hurriedly.

They were starting to take notice of us, along with Richye's barely legible shouts now, the guards from outside turning in confusion at the ruckus as the servants in attendance cowered from the armed strangers.

"Announce yourself!" Robin whispered, rolling her eyes.

Lucina made a sound of disgust before surprising us all by calling out in a clear and carrying voice:

"Presenting his Lordship, Sir Ben of Ylisstol! Lord of Tactics, Retainer to the Exalt and Godfather of the Crown Princess!"

I nodded, satisfied as we began to walk forward again, coming out into the hall proper and marching directly for the dais at the other end. I felt like someone should have been holding up an 'applause' sign.

"Nice job, Luce," Noire whispered appreciatively.

"I want to die," Lucina muttered back, earning a snort from Severa.

"You can't die, we're too damn busy," I added over my shoulder.

Richye finally dragged himself out of the gold-coated and jewel-encrusted throne he was sitting on, which was objectively the most garish ass-holder I've ever seen, and shuffled to the edge of the dais. He was red-faced and spitting as he shouted, his beady eyes bloodshot as he threw a goblet of wine to the side with a loud clatter. The younger of the two women with him flinched, while the widow just sneered at his back.

"What is the meaning of this outrage!?" the Duke thundered, his voice still high with youth and slightly slurred from his deformed jaw. "How dare you invade my home!?"

Internally I switched over to officer mode, and all pretenses of fun fell away from my mind. There was work to do here.

"It was a necessary offence, Duke Richye," I said, my voice cold and clear. "With the reported rebellion in Baham and bandits roaming the forest we had to move unnoticed. Fortunately, we've already dealt with the bandits. Your lands will be safe, sir."

"B-bandits?" Richye said, his tone losing some of the bluster.

Clearly, he knew I knew he had hired the mercenaries.

We continued to march now that I'd thrown him off balance, right up to the edge of the dais. I stopped so close my knees were almost touching the platform, clasping my hands behind my back at parade rest. The rest of the squad snapped to attention, standing perfectly still and staring straight ahead. I knew, though, that Lucina and Noire's eyes would be darting around, looking for cover and the best exit strategies. Probably Severa and Robin, too, actually.

"Dead, sir," I assured him. "We dealt with them just inside your borders, where they were planning to attack the local villagers."

The Duke paled, wiping at his forehead again and nodding, muttering to himself.

"Perhaps we should begin again," the older woman said, stepping forward. "My name is Lady Dowager Diase of Fruford, widow of the late Duke and mother of the Duchess. It is a pleasure to meet you, Lord Ben of Ylisstol. Word has spread far of your exploits during the previous war. I must say it is an unexpected honor to play host to the Hero of Ylisstol."

I nodded, hesitating a moment as I looked for hidden meanings in her words. I hated when people said that, 'nice to meet you' or 'a pleasure to meet you'. Like, how do they know that? I'm kind of an asshole. I had never been good at this, this whole dancing around each other with words thing, but there was no better way to learn than by doing.

"The pleasure is mine, Lady Diase," I said evenly.

As I spoke I inclined my head rather than bow. One equal greeting another. Diase noticed, and something quivered at the corner of her perfectly straight mouth. I couldn't tell if it was a smile or a frown, but her tone remained genial as she gestured back to the young woman still sitting beside Fruford's throne.

"My daughter, Galie," she introduced. "You will forgive her if she does not stand to greet you. All of this business with Baham, and now bandits, has both her and my dear son-in-law at their wit's end."

"Of course," I nodded, looking back to Richye. "That's why we are here. Exalt Chrom has taken a personal interest in this matter, and I was sent to investigate. The Exalt himself is following behind me at the head of a peace-keeping force to stabilize the region."

"Fruford does not need stabilizing!" Richye growled, dabbing the drool from the corner of his mouth with his handkerchief as he spoke. "Baham is the aggressor, clearly!"

"Were they the aggressor I'm sure the Lord of Tactics would not have brought not only a member of the clergy but also one of Baham's number among his entourage," Diase pointed out.

Libra didn't so much as bat a perfect eyelash, bowing respectfully, but I could hear Jeremiah flinch behind me. To his credit he remained at attention. Richye's eyes bulged, and before he could start screaming for guards I spoke up.

"Jeremiah is one of my men," I said firmly. "I had him planted in Baham so that he could report on the state of the territory."

"Yet I know this man," Diase said, her voice smooth. "He has served the Duke faithfully for years."

"He works for me now, ma'am. And, by proxy, the Halidom itself."

"I see," Diase practically purred.

I changed my estimation of the power holders in Fruford. Richye was a bumbling jackass, but Diase was clearly the dangerous one.

"It is every man's duty and privilege to serve the Exalted bloodline, Lady Diase," I told her. "Jeremiah needed very little reminding of that fact."

"And how much reminding did it take, I wonder," Diase went on. "They say every man has a price. Tell me, Jeremiah, what was yours?"

Richye retreated to his throne while we spoke, a beautiful servant girl pouring him another goblet of wine and retreating out of arm's reach so quickly the wine in the bottle sloshed. I noted the way she seemed to breathe a small relieved sigh when he took a long drink from the goblet, ignoring her.

"Speak," I ordered over my shoulder.

"My loyalty is to Ylisstol and the Exalted bloodline, Lady Diase," Jeremiah said, perfectly composed.

"Spoken like a perfect soldier," the Dowager said. "But I know you, Jeremiah. I've known you for years. Helman and I were good friends, once, and he spoke highly of you. You would not have turned traitor for an upstart noble from the south. No offense, Lord Ben."

"Trust me, none taken," I smirked.

As she spoke Diase turned and elegantly strode towards the edge of the dais, descending to the ground to move and stand face to face with me. Judging from how Richye bristled he didn't like that she was the one running the show here. But, while Beorhito's family were stupid, he was clearly smart enough to know to leave this to someone with experience in these matters.

Shit, I should've just sicced Lucina on them…

"Every man has a price, as you say," I repeated, lower. "And every woman. Tell me what yours would be, Lady Diase."

"Fruford," she said, her voice barely a whisper, her mouth barely moving.

"Peace in our lands," she said louder, clearly for the Duke's benefit.

I struggled to keep the shock out of my voice, off my face.

"Will you play nice with the other kids?" I asked, a smirk rising on my face instead.

"That depends on how nice they play with me and mine," Diase said. "Especially with bullies around."

"I think I have some… friends that can help with the bullies," I said. "Maybe I can have them hang around a little while. So long as you… Play. Nice."

She wanted Fruford, and she wanted protection against Beorhito's reprisal. I wanted more allies in the nobility.

She nodded, and I felt like we struck an accord.

"What in Naga's name are you idiots talking about?" Richye groaned, mopping at his head again. "I grow weary of these word games. Guards! Throw the intruders into the dungeon! Diase, remove yourself from my sight."

"Oh, I don't think so," I said, climbing up onto the dais. "Although I will admit you're harder to rile up than your dad. So gratz for that, I guess."

Richye quivered, his face reddening in rage, and Galie shied away from him even further. Stepping up onto the dais uninvited was a huge insult. I'd learned that the hard way when I'd moved to show Chrom some reports and Frederick had practically crash tackled me. I smiled at the fat Duke, yanking a dagger from the sheath on my back and letting it hang limply in one hand as emphasis.

"You dare…" Richye spat.

"I do," I told him. "You wanted to be done with the word games? Fine by me. Duke Richye of Fruford, in the name of Exalt Chrom of Ylisse I hereby revoke your authority as Lord of these lands and place you under arrest. The charge is treason."

"No!" the younger man snarled, leaping to his feet. "You have no proof!"

"I have six men who will testify that you hired their mercenary company to attack Baham," I told him. "It's all the proof I need."

"Damn you! You won't leave this city alive! Guards!" Richye snarled.

A few of the stupider Fruford guards stepped forward but my squad reacted instantly, fanning out in a semicircle around the dais with weapons and shields up. Even if Jeremiah was a step behind them he still fell in perfectly; clearly Helman had trained him well. They held back, though, simply glaring at the local men who appeared to be at an utter loss.

"Furthermore, your lands are to be confiscated. All of your assets and authority are to be transferred to Lady Diase until such time as a suitable replacement can be found," I pressed on, undeterred. "Guards! In the name of Exalt Chrom I order you to stand down!"

The Fruford soldiers present milled about, clearly unsure about accepting my orders. I couldn't really blame them. Chrom was the ultimate authority in Ylisse, and I was here acting as his proxy, so disobeying me would be tantamount to treason. Yet Richye was clearly a very present threat to them, and I had no doubt he would kill anyone who he perceived as having crossed him.

"Recall all men in the forest!" Diase added for good measure. "Have all squads return to Fruford at once!"

This seemed to do it, the guards standing down and a number of them moving to relay orders. A few remained standing firm, seven heavily armed and armored men, looking like they were about to rush the dais.

"Detain those men!" Diase snapped, her voice like a whip-crack in the hall.

"Mother!" Galie cried vainly, in shock.

A much larger group of mostly older guards surged forward, knocking weapons down and in some cases knocking men down, until the men loyal to Richye were subdued. It took barely a moment and already hands were being bound behind backs with practiced movements.

"You cannot do this!" Richye thundered. "You old sow! I knew I should have killed you!"

I rolled my eyes, losing my patience, turned and slugged Richye right across his absurdly gigantic chin. He went down like a sack of potatoes, and Galie let out a little scream of terror.

"Check the imprint in your face, Richye," I said evenly. "This ring and this rank allows me to act as Exalt Chrom's proxy. You've done enough damage up here for now. Be grateful. Were you a commoner, Sir, I would have executed you on the spot."

I squatted down next to him, eyes cold and my tone turning to steel.

"And if you insult the Lady again, I will kill you. And I will enjoy it. Capisce?"

Richye sagged on the ground, and I couldn't resist the satisfied smirk again as I stood. I wouldn't have killed him anyway; I'm no judge, jury or executioner. But it didn't hurt to let him think that.

And just like that, I had orchestrated a coup.

"Stomes!" Diase called.

An older man in plate armor stepped forward, clearly the Guard Captain if I were reading the local rank insignia correctly. His neatly trimmed moustache was steel grey, and he had been the first one to jump on the dissident guards earlier. He bowed deeply to Diase, his voice like gravel when he spoke.

"Yes, Lady Diase?"

"You are to follow the Lord of Tactics' orders as if they were mine," Diase said archly. "Until, at least, some order is restored. Now have some men see my daughter to her chambers so that she may rest. I worry that all of tonight's excitement may cause her to fall ill."

Stomes rose and nodded, signaling two guards. They approached the dais and practically carried a trembling and clearly shaken Galie away through one of the side passages.

"I'll send for the apothecary as well, Lady," Stomes said, bowing again.

"And have someone come get rid of this frightfully ugly chair," Diase called after him, indicating Richye's garish throne. "My late husband's throne is still in storage in the cellar. Bring it back up."

"I ordered that destroyed," Richye seethed.

"And I ignored you," Diase said lightly. "Now hush. The adults are talking."

"Squad, at ease," I said, waving the others down. "Stay on alert though. No offense, Lady Diase."

"None taken, my boy," the older woman sniffed. "It would be the prudent course of action. Smart move, using the mercenaries against him."

"I do what I can," I shrugged. "I'm glad you seem to be reasonable, at least."

Diase smiled, a sad look crossing her eyes. "My husband spent his life working this land, turning it into something great. His whole line did. I won't let Beorhito's bastard run that legacy into the ground, Lord Ben. And yes, Richye, you can run on back to your father and tell him I said that. With Ylisstol's backing, I don't need his 'protection'."

"No, now it will burn to the ground," Richye spat.

"Do I have to hit you again?" I asked, leaning back to glare at the man.

Richye flinched, still sitting on the floor where he had fallen. I was honestly surprised he hadn't pissed himself.

"Was all this part of your plan?" Robin asked, coming up behind me.

"Lady Diase, meet my tactician Robin," I introduced quickly.

Robin made a polite curtsey using the edges of her coat in place of a skirt, which drew a small smile from the serious Dowager.

"And no, I was prepared to talk circles around Richye there," I said, jerking my head in the now-former duke's direction. "Lady Diase made me an offer, and we struck a deal. She's the boss now."

"And yes, I will 'play nicely'," Diase added.

"That was a big gamble," Lucina said, crossing her arms and coming up behind me.

"Life's a gamble," I shrugged. "We had enough firepower to kill everyone here if things went south, anyway. Always have a backup plan."

"Because killing everyone always works," Lucina deadpanned.

"Hey, if there's no one left to argue with…" I trailed off, turning back to Diase. "Sorry. This is my second shadow, Marth. She's… opinionated."

"My lady," Lucina greeted, ignoring me and bowing low from the waist.

"My but you do keep the odd company," Diase said.

"You don't know the half of it," I muttered.

I didn't miss the small curling of the corner of Lucina's lip at that comment before she turned away, trying to hide her grin from me.

"So, what do we do with him?" I asked, jerking a thumb at Richye.

Diase gave a small sigh, tilting her head as if trying to decide.

"Confine him for now, in one of the rooms upstairs," she suggested. "Send him back to his father in the morning."

"Did you forget your precious daughter, my wife, goes where I go!?" Richye snarled.

"She seemed pretty sick, definitely not fit to travel," Robin said, mock-seriously.

"We'll make sure she catches up to you once she feels better," I added with a grin. "Wouldn't want to strain the poor dear, right?"

Richye deflated again, his mouth slackening as he realized to just what extent he was outclassed here. He had no allies. No servants. No protection. The only things keeping him alive were his father's name and my good graces. He finally realized he had lost his hold on this land.

Before I could revel in my mostly-bloodless victory a guard came running in, hesitating for a moment as he beheld the scene before speaking clearly.

"There's men at the gate, Lords! A host flying the standard of the Exalt!"

My eyes widened and I exchanged glances with Robin and Lucina.

Chrom? Here? Now?

Shit.

 _Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit…_

"Right on time, I assume?" Diase asked, smiling archly.

"Cyne! Angus! Front and center!" I called. "Take the former Duke and the detained guards, place them in custody! Remove weapons and helms, then stand guard over them! Now! You men, assist them and then return to assume an honor guard position for the Lady Dowager!"

Cyne and Angus leapt forward, each grabbing one of Richye's arms and dragging him off after the guards being led away. The former Duke protested, loudly, but I was already tuning him out. Diase was giving me an odd look, so I shrugged.

"I have no idea what Chrom's doing here," I admitted. "I thought he had sent me to deal with this."

"It must have been on those orders he gave you," Lucina ground out, giving me a sidelong glare. "The ones you threw up all over."

Diase gave me a piercing look, and I shrugged again.

"I was concussed, not drunk, don't look at me like that," I told her. "Everything we've done is perfectly legal. Chrom will honor it."

"When you say it like that, 'perfectly legal', it makes it sound illegal," Robin pointed out.

"Fuck you, I heard those air-quotes," I snapped. "Send someone to go get To'shi's squad, then have everyone fall in. We need to meet Chrom and make sure he knows what's going on before he does something stupid like trying to storm the Keep."

"My fa- Exalt would not be so foolish!" Lucina said indignantly as Robin rushed off.

"Yes, he would, or I wouldn't be giving these orders," I said to her, before turning back to Diase and offering her my arm. "My Lady, would you kindly accompany me to meet the Exalt?"

Diase smiled frostily, accepting my arm.

"But of course, Lord," she said, moving to my side and whispering, "please tell me you did not just get my daughter and myself killed."

"Please, have you not met Chrom?" I scoffed. "He's more likely to kill me than you, and he likes me."

"I'll take your word, then," Diase said, regaining her composure.

We gave the squads a moment to assemble in a respectable honor guard position, Robin corralling them with a speed and efficiency that, quite frankly, scared me. She then gave orders to To'shi's squad, whom Diase eyed with no small amount of curiosity, before the Chon'sinians disappeared back into the night out the front doors. Robin appeared at my shoulder, then leaning close. That Diase would hear her while she was still holding my arm clearly didn't bother the tactician.

"To'shi's squad will watch the approach to the Keep's gate, make sure it's clear in case anyone else decides they liked Richye more as Duke," she reported.

"Very good," I nodded. "Are we ready?"

Robin nodded, stepping back. "Honor Guard! Attention! Fall in! March!"

Diase and I set the pace, and I purposely slowed down for the older woman. Her hand on my arm was thin but strong, and I couldn't help but regret that I hadn't met her in her prime.

The sound of stamping feet preceeded us as we approached the gate, Chrom's standard already visible through the heavy, opening doors. The Ylisstol soldiers, none of my own I noted, parted and Chrom strode forward in his Great Lord armor, Frederick in step behind him. I grinned as the young Exalt actually stumbled when he spotted me leading Lady Diase, Frederick reaching out to steady him.

Me marching out with Diase on my arm was a pretty clear message about what had happened here. Namely, that I had handled it.

We stopped at the gate and Robin called out a halt, the honor guard snapping to attention behind us.

"Greetings, Lord Exalt Chrom," Diase said, removing her hand from my arm and curtseying low. "It is good to see you again. I have already spoken with your man, the young Lord. Please, allow us to lead you inside. Your men may make themselves comfortable in the courtyard. I will have braziers and refreshments brought out."

"Of… of course, Lady Diase," Chrom nodded. "It is nice to see you, too. And… you, Ben."

"Sup?" I greeted casually. "Heya Fredward, how's it going?"

Frederick just snorted, glaring.

Diase led us back inside, the Honor Guard parting to allow us passage before falling in at our backs again, letting Chrom's own Guard pass first. The rest of Chrom's men moved into the Keep's courtyard inside the wall, milling about in squads and getting comfortable as they awaited their refreshments. Once inside Chrom came up alongside me, lowering his head to speak in a hushed tone.

"This is a pretty creative interpretation of my orders," he said, sounding confused.

At lest he didn't sound mad.

"I, ah, yeah…" I stammered, before clearing my throat. "I felt like this would be a good chance to show you what the Royal First can accomplish with a single squad. Did you not get the note we left? We left a note. We left a note, right Robin?"

"Don't drag me into your mess," the tactician hissed with a grin.

"I meant to leave a note," I shrugged. "In my defense, I was left unsupervised."

Beside me I heard Diase give a small groan, clearly thinking I'd just gotten us all killed. We stopped at the throne dais, Chrom making a little face when he saw Richye's garish throne before turning back to me.

"I believe you have some explaining to do."

So, I did. I told him everything. About how Richye was illegally expanding into Baham's territory by hiring mercenaries to frame an innocent Duke Helman and then harass the Baham villages. I told him about the witnesses in Baham, the surviving mercenaries under Corporal Hames' protection, who would corroborate my story. I also mentioned that I suspected they were withholding taxes and gold from the mine, which Frederick bristled at before sending an Ylisstolian soldier to take a squad to secure the mine. Diase, surprisingly, backed me up on everything, pointedly mentioning that I'd given her control in exchange for her loyalty. She even admitted to Chrom that she had known about her son-in-law's plans but feared for the safety of her daughter, and thus remained silent. During the explanation Chrom had sat down on the edge of the dais, and once we finished he gave a weary sigh and ran his hands over his face.

"So where is Richye now?" he asked, glancing up at me.

"We had to… detain him," I said slowly.

"Yes, I can imagine he wouldn't have taken a coup particularly well," Chrom said, standing again.

"Hey, it was peacekeeping," I said defensively.

"It was a coup," Chrom repeated seriously. "And if I weren't coming here to do the exact same thing I'd have you all clapped in irons."

Then he relaxed, a small smile rising to his features. "But to have accomplished it with so few fatalities is impressive nonetheless. We were going to storm the Keep. You saved a lot of lives, Ben."

"I did my job," I said, looking Chrom square in the eye. "The job you gave me."

"And you did it well, thank Naga," the Exalt sighed. "Lady Diase, I would like you to assume lordship of Fruford until Galie remarries. I'll be stripping Richye of his rank and titles, as well as launching an investigation into his father's dealings. A very public investigation."

"I would be very happy to, Lord Exalt," Diase said with another curtsey.

"I still need to hear from Richye, though," Chrom said, as if the very thought was painful to him. "Where is he being held?"

"I'll bring him out here," I said. "Least I can do, right? Robin, come give me a hand in case he gets antsy."

The tactician nodded, and Chrom went back to sitting on the dais. After a moment of consideration Diase perched next to him with perfect poise and posture, her hands resting neatly in her lap.

"Okay, now tell me you know where they brought Richye before I make myself look stupid," I whispered to Robin as we walked deeper into the Keep.

Robin snickered, shaking her head and whispering back. "Lucky for you To'shi's scout watching Cyne reported to me where they were before he went to watch the courtyard approach."

"You need to start planning these things better."

Robin and I glanced over our shoulders, seeing Lucina a step behind us.

"Why are you following us?" I asked.

"I'm your bodyguard," she said simply, before adding "at least in front of the Exalt."

"For future reference that actually went better than I was planning," I told her. "Like I said, I was prepared to unleash you, Noire and Severa on the Duke's men and just take control of Fruford by force if I had to. I trusted that once I started waving the ring around he would back down, though. I'm a higher rank than he is, thanks to Chrom. But when Diase made her offer I couldn't refuse. It was so much easier than leaving Robin here to be the interim lord of Fruford."

"Firstly, it's 'Regent Lord'," Robin pointed out. "Secondly, fuck you for not consulting me on that."

"Oh, c'mon, like I'd really leave you here," I laughed. "You know I can't run this army without you."

"Damn straight you can't," Robin huffed.

"Adaptability is key, Princess," I said, looking back at Lucina. "It's how we survive. Yes, I took a chance, and time will tell if it was the right choice, but Diase is already knowledgeable about the running of both Fruford and the mines. If we had to train someone else for all of that then we'd lose time and resources we don't have, and that would have hurt not just us but Ylisstol itself."

Lucina was silent, and we progressed to the stateroom that the former Duke and his men were being held in.

When we got there and I couldn't see Angus or Cyne standing guard out front I felt a knot form in my stomach, Robin tensing next to me already on guard.

"Where are Cyne and Angus?" Robin asked warily.

"Inside?" I offered weakly.

Robin and I exchanged looks and I nodded, sighing out my nose.

"Breach positions, weapons hot," I ordered in a low tone, drawing my daggers. "Robin blows the door, Lucina you take left, I'll take right."

Both women moved into position without a word, Robin flipping her spellbook open to a wind spell as Lucina unsheathed her sword.

Hopefully we were overreacting, still strung out from the infiltration and the tense meeting with Chrom, but I wasn't taking chances. I held three fingers up above my shoulder, not taking my eyes off the door, then two fingers, then one, then as I made a fist Robin cast her spell. The door didn't fly off the hinges, but it did blow inwards with enough force to crash back loudly against the wall adjacent the door. Lucina and I rushed in, each taking our side with our weapons up, expecting to find Richye's men waiting for us.

Not expecting to find the site of a massacre.

Bodies had been hacked up in a frenzy, the handsome stateroom coated in blood. The Fruford guards had still been bound when they had been attacked, I noted. Angus lay on his side, wide eyes staring dead up at the ceiling, his stomach open and his guts spilled out on the floor like the rest. Richye had backed into a corner, an Ylissean sword still protruding from his chest. His throat had been cut as well, blood painting the front of his clothes. The stench was horrible.

And at the center of it all, practically painted in dark arterial blood, Cyne stood with a serene, relaxed expression on his face.

"Oh gods…" Lucina muttered.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Robin gagged, leaning against the nearest wall with one hand and vomiting.

I just stared numbly, my eyes locking with Cyne's.

"Sir," he greeted with a nod.

"Cyne… what have you done?" I asked in a small voice.

"My duty, sir," Cyne said. "They were insurrectionists, sir. Guerillas. In disguise. They had you all fooled, but not me. I had to act, to protect my family, sir."

"Cyne, your family's dead," I said slowly.

The Sergeant turned towards me now, frowning. His knife was still clenched in his hand, the knuckles white on the handle. I made a show of very slowly sheathing my own daggers.

"Oh. Right," he said, looking down. "They are, aren't they?"

"Cyne, these men were prisoners," I said, taking a tentative step forward, my hands up and open. "You shouldn't have killed them."

There was a tense moment of silence before Cyne nodded. "I know, sir."

"Then why did you do it, Cyne?" I asked.

He looked up at me again, tears in his eyes now.

"I see them, sir," he said. "I see the guerillas everywhere. In everyone. The ones that killed my family. The ones that… burned my village. Raped and murdered everyone. They're everywhere. Don't you see them? Why am I the only one that can see them!?"

"Give me the knife, Cyne," I said slowly. "Give me the knife, and we'll get the guerillas together. You trust me, right?"

"You can see them too, General?" Cyne asked brokenly, his voice almost a whisper.

"I can," I lied. "But you need to stand down for now. You need to let me handle this."

Cyne looked down at the knife still clenched in his hand and began to tremble from head to toe, jerkily handing me the knife before collapsing to his knees like a puppet with its strings cut, sobbing quietly. I held the weapon in my own grip and backed away, keeping an eye on the broken Sergeant.

"This is bad," Robin said, still looking ill.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"If it gets out that one of our men, one of our officers no less, did this…" she said, trailing off.

"I know," I said.

It would be the end of us. Chrom would lose faith in the army. The nobility would sense the weakness and pounce, looking for any excuse to oust me from what little power I had. We'd be right back to square one, with no preparation for Valm or Grima.

It couldn't happen. After all this work, I couldn't let it be undone.

I forced myself to consider things rationally, to remove all emotion from my thought process. I put up a wall around my heart, becoming cold as I surveyed the room again.

"We can't let that happen," I said aloud after a moment, still watching Cyne weep from the corner of my eye. "We can't let all our hard work be for nothing because of one… unstable individual."

"What do you suggest?" Robin asked. "We lie? We can't lie to everyone!"

"We have to," I said evenly. "Dammit, Robin, you know what's coming. Ylisse, the world, needs an organized, trained fighting force to combat Grima."

I turned toward Lucina, who had silently been looking at the carnage around us. She wouldn't meet my eyes. The hand holding her sword was trembling slightly. I sighed, looking down at the knife still in my hand, the handle in my palm tacky with drying blood. The stink in the room was making me light-headed.

"He's right," Lucina said, her voice soft, but clipped. "We can't let… all this work be for nothing."

I sighed, my shoulders sagging. I was hoping Lucina would talk me out of it, side with Robin…

"The guards got free, and Angus and Cyne had to subdue them," I said, fabricating a story on the spot. "They wouldn't go quietly, and things became violent. Angus died of his wounds. Cyne…"

"He can't just get away with this," Robin said in a low voice. Almost pleading.

"He won't," I promised, closing my eyes. "He and Angus died of the wounds they suffered."

Both women stiffened, and I could feel their gazes slowly locking on me as I stepped back through the tangle of bodies to where Cyne was still kneeling. I stood over him for a moment before kneeling, ignoring the blood already soaking through my pants.

"Cyne, you've done your duty," I said.

I placed my free hand on my shoulder and the older man looked up at me, his face slack. I met his eyes and hardened my heart. Without warning, and before I could second-guess myself, I jammed the knife in my hand up to the hilt in his neck, yanking it across and opening his throat in a fountain of blood.

"Go see your family," I whispered to him as he jerked a few times and fell backwards.

There was a moment of silence before Robin retched again, and I stood up.

"Oh gods," Robin moaned. "Oh Naga, this is not what I signed up for."

"This doesn't leave the room," I said firmly. "We can't… we can't tell anyone about this. Any of us. We take this to our graves."

"Gods above, Ben!" Robin half-screamed. "You couldn't have… have sent him away!? To a monastery or, or, or somewhere!? You had to kill him!?"

"He couldn't just get away with it," I said, repeating her own words back at her. "And we couldn't risk him confessing."

Lucina stepped forward, surprising us both by moving to my side.

"Ben did the right thing," she said softly. "He made the right decision."

"I know!" Robin snapped. "I know… I just… this is…"

"A lot to process, I know," I sighed, closing my eyes. "Do me a favor? Go tell Chrom what happened here for me, please. And… have Libra come to deliver some… last rights or something."

"Yeah," Robin nodded shakily. "Yeah, I'll… I'll do that. I need to get out of here, anyway."

Then she was gone, her hurried footsteps in the hall fading away until only the sounds of myself and Lucina breathing remained. I felt lost. Like I was floating, away from my body. I wanted to throw up. Slowly, as if in a trance, I turned towards the wall and leaned against it, my forearms and forehead pressed to the cleanest spot I could find, trying to ground myself against the cold stone.

"Oh fuck…" I finally muttered. "Oh fuck what did I do? What did I do what did I do what did I do…"

Lucina moved behind me placing a hand on my shoulder. I realized the knife was still clenched in my hand and let it clatter to the ground. I followed it down, sliding down the wall to my knees as I began to shake.

"What the fuck did I do?" I repeated, looking at the blood staining my hand.

Lucina wrapped her arms around my shoulders and held me until I stopped shaking.

This was wrong.

This wasn't how this mission was supposed to go.

* * *

 **AN: Yes, I'm aware ending this chapter here is a dick move. Now, everybody relax, because this tone is going away HELLA FAST. It was an important plot device and character-development moment. Robin and Lucina and even my self-insert-self needed to grow a little, to harden a little, and with the fallout in the next chapter that's what's gonna happen. Fear not, this is a humorous story at its core and that it shall remain.**

 **ANNOUNCEMENT THE FIRST: Because I'm lazy, and because I'm indecisive, I've posted a poll on my bio page about the plot of the remaining Self Insert. Basically, 'how off-script do we want metallover to go?' However, there's one small caveat: as Newton once said 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction'. Every change that the Self Insert makes will mean more bad things happen to him. Keep in mind that each of these three choices _also has a different love interest_ for the story, and yes I'm keeping them secret. So make your voice heard! Vote on my bio page for the future of the Self Insert (just remember to do it in desktop mode because the poll doesn't show up on the mobile site)! The power is in your hands! **

**And don't forget to follow me on Twitter! -metalloverCAB**


	12. Chapter 12

**(TRIGGER WARNING: More nasty scenes and imagery in this chapter, y'all have been warned)**

* * *

 **Part the Twelfth, or "Lying is already 95% of What I Do, Anyway"**

A few days after the… 'incident' in Fruford I found myself sitting in the servants' kitchen in Baham's Keep, nursing a strong cup of tea in the small hours of the morning.

God I missed coffee…

I'd been having trouble sleeping. I hadn't been feeling guilt or feeling much of anything, for that matter. Looking back, I know now I was in a state of shock, but I figured I could ignore it by saying there was still work to be done.

Still, though, when I did sleep I recalled the feeling of Cyne's blood on my hands, the chaffing of the ropes I'd had to untie around the wrists of the Fruford guards to make our deception look more real, the…

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath of the fragrant tea before taking a sip.

Admittedly, I may not have been coping well.

How Robin and Lucina were doing I had no idea. Lucina had been dour before we'd left, but she seemed to be cutting me a little more slack now. Robin was subdued, but she was clearly trying to make an effort to act normal. Her jokes and teasing were muted, though, and I could tell the others suspected something was up.

I had thrown myself headlong into the political shit-show that was my meddling up here in the north. Because I did everything 'with Chrom's authority' the Exalt was making me bear the brunt of the work in Baham while he worked out a temporary fix in Fruford. Diase, true to my word, was being installed as interim-ruler of Fruford. I dropped the term 'governor' and it had stuck. So, until her daughter Galie remarried sometime in the future (which, for some reason Chrom and the newly minted governor weren't sharing, didn't seem likely), Diase was who I was dealing with.

Which left Baham and Helman in an awkward position. I had realized too late that part of Beorhito's plan was to force Baham to do something actually treasonous, and by attacking Fruford's soldiers and closing the main trade routes through his territory, which I hadn't known about, Helman had done just that. The House of Lords in Ylisstol was baying for blood, and Chrom wasn't sure exactly what to do. I had requested leniency given the circumstances before I'd left Chrom in Fruford, but I hadn't really felt like pushing my luck with his patience. So now we were kind of in a state of political limbo, and all my finagling would be for naught if Helman and his family were disgraced. Sure, I could still recruit the veterans in Baham, but how many would come without their leader?

I glanced up as someone else entered the kitchen, Noire blinking a few times before wordlessly crossing the space and sliding into a chair opposite me at the small table.

"Tea?" I asked.

"Sure," she nodded, eying me with some concern.

We went silent as I poured her a cup. Clearly she knew something was up, but like I had said, after I had ordered no one to speak of what had happened in Fruford I kind of disconnected from everyone else. I hadn't been paying a lot of attention to Noire and the others, just enough to make sure Robin and Lucina weren't about to have breakdowns. I slid the thick earthen mug I'd filled, the same kind as mine, over to Noire and she accepted it with a grateful nod.

"Thanks. Ah, that's good tea. You look like shit, b-by the way. Have… you not been sleeping?"

"Not for lack of trying," I sighed, trying to smirk reassuringly.

Noire paused now, taking a long sip of her tea before setting the mug back down and fixing me with a stern expression I'd never seen on her before.

"I know," she said simply.

…

"Context, please," I prompted after a few moments of silence.

"A-about… what happened in Fruford," Noire elaborated, still not breaking eye-contact.

I went silent at this, my exhausted brain trying to play catch-up with the conversation we were having.

"I see," I said, leaning back in my chair with my own mug. "So who blabbed? Lucina?"

Noire shook her head. "You can't keep something like this b-bottled up, Dad," she said. "Lucy's been… talking to me and Sev, and Robin's spoken to Libra. I-in confession. So he won't say anything to anyone to break the sanctity of confession and why do you not look mad I was expecting you to be mad?"

I shrugged. "Honestly? I'm too tired to give a fuck. So, is this, like, a one-woman intervention or something?"

"I'm worried about you," Noire said, leaning forward. "We all are. You've been… distant and… we're worried."

"That I might end up like Cyne?"

"That you might be trying to bear too much alone."

I breathed a long sigh through my nose, reaching across the table to practically flop one of my bigger hands onto Noire's. She flipped her hand over, callused pads on her fingers holding tightly to my own. This was nice, this casual contact between family. It made me feel a little better.

"I'm fine, sweetie," I assured her.

Noire was silent for a moment, looking down at the table and taking a deep breath. I fully expected her to start screaming 'blood and thunder this' and 'insolence that', but she looked up with a firm expression instead. Her hand trembled a little in mine.

"I lost you once," she almost whispered. "I won't lose you again. Not like this. S-so… talk to me?"

I went quiet, my glare reflected in her watery eyes as I held her gaze. I had to fight hard to suppress the surge of misdirected anger at her, to not rave and shout and act violently. That wasn't who I was anymore. That wasn't who I had been for a long time. But it was hard to remember that, sometimes. Especially given what I had done just a few days prior.

"What do you want me to say, Noire?" I asked, my voice still coming out a little harsher than I intended. "I did something horrible. There's no explaining it away, no justifying it. I killed a man in cold blood. Murdered him."

I pulled my hand out of Noire's grip, and she looked at me like she was about to cry.

"You know why I'm so angry at myself about it?" I continued, running the hand over my head stubble. "Because before I came to Ylisse I wasn't a good person. I wasn't. Plain and simple. I hurt the people closest to me, I lied, I cheated, I drank and smoked and gambled. I partied and made a nuisance of myself. But I never killed anyone."

I had to sniff, fighting back tears.

"Hell, I actively avoided physical confrontation. And Ylisse… Ylisse was my chance to be a different man. A different person. Yet here I am, doing all the same things again, and now I crossed that one last line. I killed a man in cold blood. Worse, a man that trusted me, one of my own troops. A man that… that clearly needed help. Help I was in a position to provide. Instead I… killed him."

My voice dropped to a whisper as I looked back down at the table, clenched fists trembling in my lap.

"How the fuck do I justify that?"

We went quiet again, just the sounds of my ragged breathing in the room as I tried to get it all back in, all back under control, before I went to pieces again.

Noire surprised me when she spoke, her voice a lot gentler than I'd been expecting after that confession.

"When I was little, I came home crying one day," she said softly. "The other kids had been bullying me, and even though Sev and Luce and the others had stood up for me, it still made me sad. And when I came home like that mother flew into a rage, locking herself in her study and thinking up as many nasty hexes as she could so… I went to you instead. And… you just took me up on your lap and told me… 'fuck 'em'."

"Oh, yup, that sounds like me," I chuckled, not at all surprised to hear my father's catchphrase.

He'd probably be proud it had made it to a third generation of our family.

"But you also told me that nobody's perfect, and we're all different," Noire went on, smiling a little, too. "And that stuck with me. I was being bullied because I wasn't perfectly Ylissean, but… the kids bullying me, they weren't perfect either. No one was. S-so… I don't think any less of you for not being perfect. F-for… making a mistake."

I gave a shuddering sigh, shaking my head.

"Well, damn, how can I argue with me?" I said, my throat constricting.

Noire rose and moved around the table, kneeling down and pulling me into a hug. I may have cried. I'll never tell. She definitely cried. But when she pulled back I felt a whole hell of a lot better.

"Thank you Noire," I said, pulling her back and planting a kiss on top of her head.

"You always made me feel better when I was a girl," Noire said, blushing. "I th-thought… I could return the favor… for once…"

I shook my head, pulling her into another hug.

"That's not why," I said into her shoulder. "Thank you for showing me I finally got something right. I've done a lot of bad things, taken a lot without contributing anything back. You're the first good thing I've ever given back to the world."

"Dad…" Noire half-groaned, clearly choking up herself now as she returned the hug.

I pulled back, giving her another smile. I felt better. Far from perfect, nowhere near a hundred percent, but it was a start.

"Now why don't you go get everyone else so we can clear the air? No sense having this hang over us. I did say no more secrets."

* * *

Under the guise of a 'staff meeting' Noire was gathering the other members of our little squad to the kitchen. Lucina and Robin arrived first, a visibly grinning Noire departing as soon as she practically shoved them through the door. Apparently the two women were sharing the same room. Why Noire couldn't knock on all the doors at once was beyond me, but whatever.

Both were dressed casually, Lucina wearing her tunic and leggings without the matching armor, and Robin with her coat thrown over a sleeveless singlet, letting the garment hang off her shoulders like a cape.

"Ladies," I greeted them, still seated at the table. "Want some tea? Still fresh."

"Uh… sure," Robin said hesitantly.

"Since when do you drink tea?" Lucina asked tiredly.

I glanced at her, already filling two more of the big mugs for the women.

"Since I haven't found coffee yet," I deadpanned. "Now sit your ass down and drink your goddamn tea."

I smirked. I couldn't help it. I'd always wanted to say that line from Final Fantasy.

"Very well," Lucina conceded.

I made a point of topping off my own cup last and taking a long sip to prove I wasn't pranking or poisoning them as they sat, and both women gratefully took long sips of their own. Robin wrinkled her nose a little, but Lucina made a disgusted face and glared at both me and the cup in turn.

"What is wrong with this tea!?" she half-shouted.

"Noire didn't have a problem with it," I said defensively.

"It is… very strong," Robin said.

"Because I can't find goddamn coffee in this country and tea is much weaker in the caffeine department," I explained.

Lucina took another sniff of her cup and groaned, pushing it back towards the middle of the table with a sour look. Robin grinned, taking another small sip of her own and breathing a small, satisfied sigh.

"I will admit, once you get over the initial shock it's not so bad," she said. "Plus, it's been a rough couple of days. I could use the kick right now."

She accentuated her point by stretching her perfect, slim arms above her head and lacing her fingers. The coat fell from her shoulders over the back of the chair as Robin rocked back and forth, stretching out her back while her arms were up. I took a brief moment to appreciate the way her perfectly smooth skin went on and on, disappearing into her top, but then I zeroed in on something.

"You know, something's been bugging me," I said, leaning forward to rest an elbow on the table.

Robin sighed contentedly, letting her arms fall down and crossing them beneath her bust with a sly grin.

"Yes, they're real," she said coyly, bouncing her breasts on her arm a few times for emphasis.

Lucina made another disgusted sound as I chuckled, sitting back and shaking my head.

"Not what I was gonna ask, but okay," I snickered. "I was gonna ask about the fact you and everyone else have no body hair. Pits, arms, legs. Nothing. Do y'all not grow body hair here?"

"Seriously?" Lucina deadpanned.

"Magic," Robin laughed.

"What, like a hair reduction spell?" I asked excitedly. "Damn, woman! Teach me that shit!"

"Nope. You really want to know? It's just plain old fire magic," Robin explained with a grin. "Burn deep enough and you take out the hair follicles. Then you have a priest come and heal your skin. Healing magic just fixes the flesh, not the other stuff, so… yeah. Hurts like hell, but it's permanent."

"That. Is the most metal thing. I have ever heard. In my life," I said, blinking slowly in astonishment. "Like. Wow. Fashion is brutal here. Wait, I saw you naked in Midland, you don't have any-"

"Fashion is very brutal," Robin cut me off with a wink.

"Mother of fuck, forget I asked," I shuddered.

We went quiet for a time, Robin and I sipping from our mugs while Lucina stared into space. I alternated between thinking of this newfound knowledge of hair removal, wondering what was taking Noire so goddamn long, and also something else that Robin had said.

"Why would I think your boobs aren't real?" I asked suddenly.

"What, you don't have corset stuffing in your world?" Robin asked with a grin.

Lucina cleared her throat, shifting uncomfortably and glaring at us.

"No, we do, I just… didn't think it'd be a thing here, too," I shrugged. "And women's undergarments in my world have basically just become the top bit, like the top of a corset. They're called 'brassieres'. Bras. They just hold up the boobs."

"Ugh. That sounds just as unpleasant," Robin muttered.

"Can we stop talking about this please?" Lucina snapped suddenly, blushing bright red. "It's highly improper!"

"Oh grow up," I chuckled. "Wanna hear about thongs instead?"

"No!" Lucina almost shrieked. "I don't want to know!"

"Aw, she's embarrassed! That's so cute," Robin cooed. "What's wrong, Princess? Indulge in a little corset stuffing yourself?"

"Of course not!" Lucina snapped quickly, blushing even brighter.

"Oh hoh!" I laughed, grinning evilly. "Methinks the lady doth protest too much!"

Robin and I exchanged glances, and a rare moment of understanding passed between us as matching grins rose on our faces. By the time Lucina's danger sense kicked in we were already out of our chairs.

"Hold her arms," Robin instructed, advancing on the princess.

"What are you doing? No! Don't you dare!" Lucina said, suddenly white as a sheet.

So focused as she was on Robin, Lucina totally missed me slipping around behind her. I stuck my arms under hers, lacing my fingers behind her head, immobilizing her arms and pinning her against my chest.

"I will kill you both! Release me this instant! I am a princess and I will not be manhandled this way!" Lucina shouted, struggling against my hold.

"Sorry Princess, but this is for the pursuit of truth!" Robin laughed, cracking her knuckles.

And then I politely averted my eyes as Robin dove on the helpless Lucina like a beast on a meal. The princess gave an indignant cry as Robin cackled.

"Oh? These are bigger than they look!"

"Stop this- eek! Stop, keep your hands out of my tuni-ick!"

"Aw, but Princess, they fill my hand perfectly!"

"If you consider yourself my friend- ahn! No! Do not!"

"Oh? What have we here?"

"Kya! Stop, please! Ben, re… release me! Please!"

I endured in stoic silence, gaze still locked on the far wall, willing myself not to get a boner.

"Your skin is so smooth, Princess!"

"Noooooooooooooo!"

"What in Naga's name is going on in here!?"

The three of us glanced up to find Noire, Severa and Libra standing in the kitchen's door with varying looks of shock on their faces. There was a heavy moment of silence, and I recovered first to speak slowly over the top of Lucina's head.

"This is exactly what it looks like."

"Get them off me!" Lucina shrieked.

Robin and I instantly leapt back, the tactician grinning a little with slightly blushed cheeks. I swiftly maneuvered myself behind the woman, intent on using her as a human shield. It had been her idea, after all. Lucina wrapped her arms around her chest and glared daggers at us, Robin laughing sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head.

"Sorry. Guess I got a little carried away there," she said.

"I was following orders I didn't even watch don't stab me," I said quickly.

"You're the general, you give the orders," Lucina ground out.

"Try telling that to her," I scoffed, jerking a thumb in Robin's direction.

Robin just grinned radiantly, absolutely nailing her impression of 'someone totally innocent'. Lucina opened her mouth, closed it, narrowed her eyes and gave a long sigh. An awkward silence descended on the kitchen, broken when Libra cleared his throat.

"You wanted to see us?" he asked.

"Ah. Right, yeah, that," I nodded, beckoning everyone sit down.

I opted to remain standing, clasping my hands behind my back as I waited for everyone to get settled. For good measure I closed the door to the kitchen as well, the sound echoing oddly around the empty space as everyone looked at me expectantly.

"We need to talk about what happened in Fruford," I said, approaching the table again. "Since it's come to my attention that no one involved kept their mouths shut."

There was some uncomfortable shifting around the table, and Severa looked like she wanted to say something, but I beat her to the punch.

"I'm not angry," I said, holding up a hand. "Robin and Lucina did the right thing disregarding an order I made while I wasn't in my right state of mind. If anyone has any misgivings about what happened, I'd like to hear it."

There was a moment of silence, everyone looking down at the table, before Lucina spoke up.

"It was necessary, loathe as I am to admit it," she said softly. "The nobility of Ylisse would have capitalized on this incident to put a stop to our efforts to prepare an armed response to Grima's revival, something we cannot let happen."

"Yeah, I hate to admit it, but I agree, too," Robin sighed, looking up. "I hate the necessity of it, but if he's coming back we need this army."

"I think you're all forgetting one major thing, though," I said. "I kinda… killed a man in cold blood. Not the first life I've taken, but the first one I've… taken like that."

"Do you feel the weight of the life you have taken?" Libra asked, leaning back in his chair.

"I do," I admitted.

"Do you regret your actions?" he continued.

I paused for a moment, before shaking my head. "No. I regret their necessity, like Robin said, but in the long run we can save a lot more lives. How I feel is irrelevant."

Libra nodded, closing his eyes. "This life weighs heavily on your soul."

"They all do," I admitted quietly.

"So what'll you do about it?" Severa asked.

"Save the world, worry about eternal damnation later?" I shrugged. "I just wanted to get all this out in the open."

"You wished to clear your conscience, accept blame," Libra said. "I cannot absolve you of this sin. None of us can."

"I know," I sighed. "I'll carry this for the rest of my life."

"Then that is how you will atone," the priest said. "Service. Duty."

I smirked without meaning to, quoting one of my favorite Gaunt's Ghosts lines. "Only in death does duty end."

"Indeed," Libra nodded. "For what it is worth, you have not shaken my faith in you, nor your cause. Had you callously discarded Cyne's life I would have withdrawn my support. However, to see it weighing so heavily on you proves my assumptions about your character. Be at ease. We still stand with you."

"He s-said that a lot better than I could have," Noire mumbled.

"We're all still here," Severa shrugged. "I may not like it, but it… was the right thing."

"There was no right answer in that situation," Robin sighed. "But you did choose the one that would save more lives in the long run. I… admit that I couldn't have done that."

Lucina finally looked up at me, not saying anything. After a moment she just gave a small nod, looking away again with a slight blush on her cheeks.

"Well, uh… okay…" I said awkwardly. "I was honestly expecting a little more… uh… blame, I guess. Nice to know you all still trust me."

"I wouldn't go that far," Severa said, quirking a brow. "I did just walk into a room to find you and your tactician sexually harassing my friend."

Noire perked up at that, 'oh yeah' practically written across her face. Lucina shot me a dirty look, too, scooting further away from a blushing Robin. Libra just chuckled, shaking his head.

I shrugged. "Nothing wrong with a little skinship, right?"

With a little more laughter and teasing we descended into a familiar breakfast routine, even if it was a little early. One thing stuck out in my mind, though; Lucina hadn't slugged me for my part in Robin's… er… 'search for truth'. Even though, in the past, she'd kicked my ass for far less. I realized that, in her own way, she was taking into account what had happened to us in Fruford. The thought that she would worry so much about me brought a small smile to my face, one that I quickly hid with my mug.

The smile only lasted a second, though, fading as I remembered why everyone was being so nice. Why Lucina was acting so forgiving.

I placed the mug on the table, the contents suddenly sour to my tongue.

* * *

A few days later and we were still waiting to hear what Chrom decided to do about the whole situation. Helman was optimistic, and apparently Diase was being as helpful and gracious as humanly possible, but this left myself and my troops in an awkward position with nothing to do. I'd sent the rest of the Second Platoon's squad back to Ylisstol with Libra. I figured having a priest with them might help them work through any grief they might be feeling about their fallen members. The former mercenaries I'd strong-armed into enlisting were working almost non-stop around Baham, helping the Duke's men however they could. Which left myself, Noire, Severa, Lucina and Robin with nothing better to do than help out with fetch quests.

On the second day of our 'down time' I heard an odd rumor about a haunted house out in the forest that only appeared once a year. At first, I ignored the story as nothing but silly folklore. But then I had an epiphany. We were in the north-east corner. Where Nah was recruited. From a spooky haunted house. While I had no idea when she arrived I figured it was worth taking a look, and after actually asking permission this time (which Chrom granted as long as I promised not to cause any more political shit-shows for him to work out) we set out with our fearless local guide.

We travelled for most of the day through the idyllic Baham forests, the shadows growing longer beneath the trees as the sun sunk lower in the sky. Apparently this place was pretty close to Baham proper, but we'd been searching all afternoon and hadn't seen head nor hide of it. I was considering stopping to camp for the evening, but the way our guide kept complaining spurred my vindictive side onwards.

"This is a very bad idea," Jeremiah muttered for the umpteenth time.

"What's that? I can't hear you over the chattering of your teeth and the shaking of your knees," I deadpanned, grinning over my shoulder at him.

"I said this is a horrible idea!" the local man half-shouted, frowning. "Did you hear me that time?"

"Yes you dingus. It's called sarcasm. Grow a sense of humor, fuck," I said, rolling my eyes. "If it helps you can stay outside with the bags. Pussy."

"I'll take being called names over going into that monstrosity any day of the week," Jeremiah said. "Hell, I still think you shouldn't be going in there."

"Noted. Robin! Make a note," I said turning to the tactician. "Jeremiah's a pussy."

"Noted," she said with a grin.

"Your funeral," Jeremiah muttered.

"If this were a horror movie, you'd die first," I said conversationally. "Then me, because I'm the pretty, funny one. It's a rule. Only the virgins survive. So the girls are all fine."

"Well..." Robin chuckled.

"Wellp, okay, you're boned," I shrugged. "Literally apparently. So the others survive."

It was at this point Noire awkwardly cleared her throat, bunching up her shoulders and trying to look small.

"Actually... uh..." she mumbled.

"What!?" I cried, head snapping around to stare. "Who dared deflower my baby girl!? I'll kill em! With my fucking teeth!"

"Oh please stop talking," Lucina groaned, massaging her temples beside a bright red Noire.

Severa skipped forward a few steps, coming up from my blind spot to smack me in the back of the head. There was a satisfying, meaty 'thwap' sound that you can only get from hitting a bald man in the head, and Severa looked mighty pleased with herself when I turned to glare at her.

"Thank you," Lucina sighed. "You should not pick on Jeremiah so. He has been a stalwart companion thus far, and given your personality that is surprising."

"Y'all are the wet blanket smothering the fire of my fun," I deadpanned, glaring at the girls.

"Besides, I said he's not coming in with us anyway," I assured them. "He'd just get in the way."

"Oh, thank Naga," Jeremiah breathed.

I turned to look Noire out of the corner of my eye.

"And you and me gonna have a long, serious talk about your life choices, missy," I told her, eyes narrowing.

"Wh-what about Robin!?" Noire snapped indignantly.

"Not related to me, not my problem," I shrugged.

"Love you too, big guy," Robin snickered. "Nice to see you feeling better."

"Can we please focus on what is about to potentially kill us!?" Lucina sighed angrily.

"Do we ever focus?" I shrugged. "What's the big deal? All we're gonna find is-"

My eyes widened and I actually almost tripped as I brought myself up short, forcing myself to stop talking before I tripped any flags.

"What? What's wrong? What'll we find?" Robin persisted.

"Bad horror story tropes," I grinned.

"Ohhhhhh," Robin nodded, grinning back. "So you think it's too quiet out here, too?"

"Please don't," Jeremiah groaned.

Noire giggled a little, smiling too. "Does anyone else feel like we're being watched?"

"Why? Just… why?" Jeremiah asked.

Severa actually scoffed, rolling her eyes. "You know we're just gonna find an old, empty house, right?"

"Please tell me you said that on purpose," I laughed.

She just grinned a little, flipping one of her crimson twin-tails over her shoulder. Jeremiah gave a weak moan from behind us, eyes firmly on the ground. From next to our resident tsundere Lucina looked back and forth between everyone, her expression clearly stating that she didn't get the joke.

"I do not understand," Lucina admitted after another moment of silent walking. "But we should hurry. The sun will set soon."

Robin and Noire both burst into laughter while Severa chuckled a little. Even Jeremiah grinned at the clueless expression on the Princess' face.

"Don't worry, it'll take too long to explain," I chuckled. "But while we're tripping flags…"

I stopped, turning to Lucina as I prepared to trip the worst horror movie flag of all.

"Once we're all done with this investigation let's get married," I said, mock-seriously.

Robin and Noire howled with laughter as Lucina's cheeks went crimson, Severa face-palming as an attempt to hide her own laughter and even Jeremiah trying to suppress his own chuckles. The Princess trembled for a moment, clearly overcome with shock I would even suggest such a thing, and before she could respond my serious façade dropped and I snorted a laugh, shaking my head and going back to following the shadowed path.

"Just kidding, Princess. Worst horror movie trope there is. Anyone who says that almost always ends up dead- hey what're you doing with that sword -ACK NO, STOPPIT! IT WAS A JOKE! SOMEONE TAKE THAT SWORD AWAY FROM HER ALREADY!"

* * *

"Right. Well. I am sufficiently creeped out."

I swallowed, looking up at the three-story mansion before us. Evening had given way to twilight, the purple-red sky behind the angular roof of the darkened building looking sufficiently foreboding. The only thing missing were stormclouds and flashes of lightning, but the sky had been clear and blue all day and was still cloudless. A low, waist-high wall encircled an overgrown garden, small gaps in the long grass where paving stones made up a path to the front door. No verandah out front, but a long balcony stretching around the second floor, and a widow walk up on the roof. No lights on inside, but all the glass panes in the windows were still intact; the simple fact that there was glass in the windows alone proved how wealthy the people who had once lived here were. Flaking yellow paint, colored a drab mustard shade by the twilight, coated the patches of outer wall not covered in mold or lichens. Unlike in the movies, though, there were no crows cawing ominously. No dogs howling. Nothing. Not even insects. Just dead silence until I had spoken.

In all, the place fairly screamed 'haunted'.

"Toldja," Jeremiah grunted. "You all have fun in the haunted house of death. I'll be waiting right out here."

I glanced over at where the local man was already piling logs from the forest beside the road, clearly intent on making a fire to stave off the night chill. I shrugged, dropping my pack and tossing it over to him. The girls all did so, too, albeit more reluctantly.

"Surely you are not serious about going in there," Lucina said.

"Oh, I am serious," I said, mock-seriously. "And don't call me Shirley."

Robin snorted as Severa rolled her eyes, Lucina choosing to ignore my humor.

"Are we sure about this?" she asked again softly, coming alongside me.

"Nah."

"Then why are you so intent on-"

"No, I mean I think Nah's in there," I sighed, running a hand down my face.

I was going to force her to choose a different name the second I got my hands on her…

The change that came over Lucina was instantaneous, the young woman instantly shifting into 'warrior mode'. She looked back over the house with the practiced gaze of a military commander, the same way I had done, even as she spoke.

"You are sure?" she asked.

"Not really, but I have it on good authority," I replied, taking another look myself.

"Whose?"

"Mine," I shrugged. "And you know how often I'm right about this shit. But… she might not be here yet."

Lucina froze, turning slowly to glare at me. Robin and Noire were busy lighting torches for us at Jeremiah's small fire, Severa rooting through her pack for something to one side. I held up my hands, voice dropping low as I leaned in to talk to her privately.

"Same as Laurent getting here earlier than you, most of the others aren't gonna arrive for another year, at least," I explained. "Seeing as this house supposedly only appears once a year I thought we'd chance it and take a look while we were here."

"And you're sure this is where she will arrive?" Lucina asked.

"The description fits," I nodded.

Lucina gave a long-suffering sigh, shaking her head before looking back at me with a tired expression. "One day we are going to sit down and you are going to explain how it is you know these things."

"But it is not this day," I grinned. "Alright ladies, hope this house is biting the pillow because we're going in dry! Rescue mission, priority target is Nah! Yes, that Nah! Do not, under any circumstances get separated, stay within at least one meter of each other at all times, and if you do get separated then get out. Do not try to look for us, do not try to look for Nah, come out and come to Jeremiah. I don't know what's waiting in there, but I would like to reiterate the fact that I do not want to do this alone, so do not, I repeat, _do not_ get separated. Clear?"

There was a chorus of affirmatives, everyone bunching up behind me as I led the way across the lawn towards the front door. Inside was even darker than the forest, and I was instantly grateful for the torches the girls had brought.

For the thirty seconds it took us to all get separated, anyway.

I hadn't even gotten a chance to look around before a wind blew through the foyer, slamming the heavy door shut behind us and extinguishing the torches.

Then the screaming began.

Then… nothingness.

* * *

"Ugh. What the… fuck? Oh god, my head…"

I groaned, eyes firmly shut against the pounding in my skull. There was a blank in my memory, the last few hours a blur as I tried to remember what I'd been doing.

Right. We'd been investigating a haunted house. To find Nah. And we'd gotten separated. Right after I'd given my big long 'do not get separated' spiel. Now I was…

Where the fuck was I?

I groped around without opening my eyes. I was on a bed. Soft cotton sheets, a flannel blanket. I gave a cursory sniff. Familiar smelling synthetic soap? I opened my eyes slowly, wary of the pounding in my skull. After a few seconds my eyes snapped open as I beheld a familiar ceiling.

"Oh. Oh fuck no. Please god no."

A ceiling I hadn't seen in years, even before coming to Ylisse. But one I'd never forget. Just like the rest of the room, burned into my memory, was exactly the same as I looked around it. A small, ancient TV across from the large, queen sized bed (that I had argued against). My old PS2, relegated to the role of DVD player, sat on the floor beneath the TV stand, covered in newly disturbed dust. In one corner was a large spa bath, currently being used as storage, a variety of dresses flung over the edge. A chest of drawers beside the bed to my left, open and cluttered, clothes and bras sticking out every-which-where. To my right a familiar bathroom, large shower and tasteful sink with a huge mirror.

My heartbeat sped up, the familiar pull of anxiety filling my chest.

In my nose now was a familiar perfume, one I'd never forget. Tropical. Lime and coconuts.

I slowly sat up, eyes wide and breath coming out in ragged gasps. My gaze fell to the small bedside table beside me, to the box of pills, already half-gone, sitting on top of it.

"Fuck," I breathed.

My feet hit the cold tiled floor, the shock momentarily surprising me.

"Fuck no," I muttered, lurching to my feet.

I stumbled around the corner, towards the door I knew was there…

I stopped in front of the mirrored sliding doors of the closet.

Metallica shirt. Torn faded blue jeans. Long, thinning brown hair falling messily around my shoulders. Beard down past my neck, tied in two messy braids.

Fuck. I was back in Australia.

Worse. I was back in Australia _in my ex-girlfriend's apartment._

And all my stuff was there.

 _Fuck_. I was back in the apartment I'd shared with her before I'd left her.

I took a deep breath, slowly analyzing the situation.

Was I just having another bad reaction to the anti-depressants? Had I imagined… everything in Ylisse? I blinked, hand coming up to rest on my collar, just below my shoulder. I felt the knurled flesh of the old scar there, from where I had protected those kids in Southtown. But… hadn't I gotten that scar when I'd been swept away in a flooded river? I shook my head, hands grasping the sides of my face.

My breathing was basically hyperventilating now. My vision was growing dark.

I was having my first panic attack in years.

I forced myself to breathe slowly, scrunched my eyes closed, wrapped my hands around my chest to try and stop myself from shaking.

They found hard muscle beneath the simple shirt, the kind you'd get from training an army non-stop for the better part of a year.

Or the kind you'd get from eating right and exercising regularly because your girlfriend told you to.

"Oh fuck me what the hell?" I mumbled, opening my eyes again.

White square tiles, thirty centimeters by thirty centimeters, grey grout… how many times had I passed out on these tiles? How many times had I curled up, wishing I would just die, on them? They were familiar. Modern. No way anyone in Ylisse could manufacture them so uniformly.

My gaze went back to the sedatives on my nightstand, lingered there.

Two little pills, and all of this would go away. Two little pills, I could calm down, I could concentrate, I could… I could…

I shook my head, frowning now.

No.

I was past this. I'd grown past the wreck that needed the damned medication just to function. I was a fucking general in Ylisse's army, for god's sake. I was _the_ general.

I took another breath, standing up tall, my best 'don't fuck with me' face on as I left the room.

I came out, as I knew I would, into a small hallway. The garage was on my right, the stairs up to the apartment proper to my left. In the garage my dirty old Ford Fiesta sat, darkened, next to the washing machine. I looked up the stairs, the cheery bright Australian sunlight at odds with what I knew was probably waiting.

"If this were a horror movie this is how I'd die," I mumbled, stepping onto the raised landing.

Jingling approached the top of the stairs, a small brown and white cat appearing at the top. He glared down at me, and I frowned back up at him. The little bastard slowly padded down the stairs, stopping at my feet to glare up at me again before slipping through the back of the stairs and going for the dim, cool bedroom I'd just vacated.

"Fuck you too, you little shit," I muttered after the cat.

I'd always hated that cat. I still had scars on my shin from the little fucker's claws.

I looked back up the stairs, steeling myself. This was all just… a bad dream. I kept telling myself that as I slowly, carefully climbed up the stairs. I made no sound as I ascended, coming up into the open plan kitchen/living room, separated only by a low island countertop.

A row of three cheap chipboard bookshelves sat on one wall, full of DVDs and books. Mostly manga and comics. I looked at the shelves, inspecting the DVD cases. _Nana_ , _Princess Mononoke_ , the _Dune_ miniseries, _The Punisher_ … These were the DVDs I had collected with my ex. This was my apartment. I turned slowly, the large old oak bookshelf in the opposite corner holding all our university textbooks. The TV, much larger than the one downstairs, was off, the couch and chairs across from it vacant. The kitchen was clean, smelling faintly of lemon disinfectant.

My eyes lingered on the knife block, specifically on the butcher knife, as I recalled the last time I'd seen the damned thing…

A noise from the spare room we'd converted into an office/study spun me around. I looked past the stairs and the breath left me in a whoosh, like I'd been punched in the gut. My eyes widened as I forgot to breathe, frozen in fear.

A petite, thin woman stepped out of the room, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She was wearing a faded brown tank-top and high-cut denim shorts that showed off the long, creamy expanse of her legs. Her dirty-blonde hair, cut short a few months ago, had already started to grow out again, and she brushed it out of her face as she spotted me. Those eyes, though, eyes I'd never be able to forget, locked in on me. Like a predator looking at prey, the gaze in those crystal blue eyes I'd fallen in love with way back in primary school, that hadn't changed a bit.

"Hey," she said. "You're finally up? How're you feeling?"

Her voice was exactly as I remembered it. Exactly as it was in my dreams. And in my nightmares.

"Uh… alive," I said slowly.

She scoffed, frowning at me. "Are you feeling any better than last night?"

"I guess," I said.

What had happened last night?

I'd… felt like shit. Felt like shit about killing Cyne…

I'd felt like shit… felt like shit acclimating to my new medication…

I shook my head again, dual memories competing for space in my skull.

"I'm fine," I said.

"You look like shit," she said. "I called work for you. You don't have to go in tonight."

Without thinking I responded immediately. "But we need the money."

"You can't work like this."

"It was just night-fill. Stacking shelves. I would've been fine."

"Don't argue with me!"

Her shrill voice silenced me as she stomped a few steps closer.

"You aren't feeling well and your Modern Lit essay is due in a few days," she reminded me hotly. "Get that done tonight and get some rest or you'll just have another breakdown."

Oh fuck I'd forgotten about my essay again…

No… wait… I finished that essay. I scraped by a pass for it…

I winced, memories assaulting me again.

Which ones were real?

Which ones were the hallucination?

"Oh god, are you having another bad reaction?" she asked, suddenly all sweet concern.

I glanced up, frozen in place as she came closer and rested a hand on my forehead. She smiled sweetly, relieved, and the soft hand trailed down to stroke the side of my face.

"Well, you don't have a fever."

… _a thin, cold hand bunches up my shirt, holding me back against the countertop as the other holds the butcher knife up to the light, pressing it first against her wrist, then against my stomach…_

"Uh… yeah…"

… _heat, unimaginable heat behind my eyes, sweat and tears pouring down my face as my hands tighten around her throat, nails digging into my wrists making me snap back to reality, my body crumpling to the white tiled floor in a heap like a puppet with its strings cut…_

"You still don't look good," she said, leaning closer. "Maybe you should ask for an extension on the essay?"

As she leaned in I got a whiff of perfume. Lime and coconuts.

"Okay, hold on a second here," I said, backing away. "Give me a second to get my head on straight."

I turned away, taking a few steps on the cheap fake hardwood floor into the center of the living room to create some distance.

"Have you been drinking again!?" she snapped, suddenly in a rage.

"Of course not!" I snapped back, shouting. "With the pills I'm taking!? You want me to die!?"

"Maybe you should!" she screamed.

This froze me again. I turned, glaring over my shoulder. I suddenly felt cold, even in the Australian heat.

She was standing there, fists clenched and face red, panting heavily through her mouth.

"We've already done this," I said slowly.

"Yes, we've already had this fight, because you keep-"

"No. I mean this exact fight. We've had this exact conversation, in this exact situation before."

I blinked.

Suddenly it was night time.

Suddenly, I was standing in the dark.

Suddenly, she was standing right in front of me, wearing naught but a sky-blue silken nightgown. I was wearing my black Nike pajama pants, and nothing else. I blinked at the sudden sense of displacement, shocked long enough for her to wrap her arms around my neck and pull me in for a tender, hungry kiss. It was a feeling, a taste, a scent I'd never forget. All five senses overwhelmed by her, I closed my eyes and leaned into the kiss, taking her slim shoulders in my hands and deepening the kiss, our lips parting at the same time as our tongues greedily fought against each other. She pulled back first, cupping the sides of my face and looking up at me.

"I'm sorry for before," she said softly, lowering her hands.

… _hands drop to the spaghetti straps of her nightgown, brushing them over her shoulders to let the thin garment drop to the floor. She pressed her naked body against me, pushing me back to the couch before I let myself fall back onto it, the fight from earlier utterly forgotten as she lies down on top of me…_

I nodded, lost for words. She smiled, hands dropping to the straps of her nightgown, and for reasons I'm not sure of, I stopped her. My knuckles were scarred. Even in the dim light I could see the scar tissue on the backs of my hands.

"What's wrong?" she asked slowly.

"I don't know," I admitted. "How'd I get these scars?"

"You punched a wall," she said, stepping back now. "Before we moved here. You lost your temper and-"

"No," I said softly. "Every house I've lived in, every apartment, has had drywall. I'd punch through to outside before I could do this to my hands."

"Are you calling me a liar!?" she asked, enraged.

"I'm calling you a fake," I said, brushing past her towards the kitchen.

"Don't you dare walk away from me when I'm talking to you!?" she snarled.

"Or you'll what? Stab me?" I asked.

"Fuck you!" she screamed.

"Sorry, honey, not today," I shrugged. "When did we meet?"

"What!?"

"When. Did. We. Meet?"

"In high school! You know that! Or is… are you having another reaction? Did you forget-"

"Fuck the pills I haven't taken them in years," I snapped. "I haven't seen you in years! I haven't touched you in years! We haven't fucked in years! And we met in grade school!"

"Yes, it's been a while, but-"

"Four years. It's been at least four years."

"We've only been dating for four years!"

"And we've been broken up for just as long," I said, eyes narrowing as I held up my hand. "I didn't get these scars until three years after I left you. After you cheated on me. After you tried to _kill me_!"

"I'd never! I love you! I'm the reason you're still alive!"

"You're the reason I'm so fucked up!" I thundered.

She was getting frantic now, breathing heavily as tears started to gather in her eyes. I turned away, catching sight of my reflection in the glass of the oven. Bald. Short, neatly trimmed beard. Lines from frowning, from weather, from fighting in wars and battles…

Me.

I'd already lived all this bullshit once.

I wasn't planning on repeating past mistakes.

"So what? You'll just leave me!?" my ex sobbed. "You'll never survive without me!"

"Sure I will," I scoffed, my tone softening a little. "I hated you. For a long time, you know? But now… now I pity you. Because you'll never be anything more than… this."

I pulled the butcher knife from the block on the counter, the familiar blade glinting in the dark.

"What are you doing!?"

"Denying you," I said. "One way or another, I'm fucking done with you and with this life. Never again."

I flipped the knife around in my grip, a practiced motion I'd perfected with my trench knives, and plunged it into my stomach. My ex screamed as I fell to my knees, blood falling onto the fake hardwood…

I closed my eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath, the scream fading away, everything fading away…

* * *

… and when I opened them my gaze was met with filthy, dirty hardwood, fresh blood from my stomach adding to the mess.

In my hand, instead of a butcher knife, was one of my black trench knives.

I was in my Ylissean uniform.

And in front of me, instead of my ex, was a very angry looking Risen.

The Risen gave another piercing shriek, reaching out to me with long, serrated bone claws. I slashed upwards with the knife in my hand, giving a pained grunt as I pulled it from my stomach. The blade bit into the creature's wrist and it reeled back, hissing through its leather hood. I stumbled to my feet, giving the creature a blood-flecked grin, spitting bloody spittle onto the filth at my feet.

"Oh you picked the wrong memories to pull up you fucking cunt," I snarled.

One hand pressed to my stomach wound I advanced on the Risen, the creature actually hesitating and starting to back away. With a roar I flipped the knife around in my grip again and went to work, ducking beneath the first of the creature's blows and coming up inside it's guard. I stabbed three times in quick succession, screaming louder with each blow, before shoulder checking the Risen and knocking it back. I kicked out at its knee, snapping the joint out and dropping it to the ground.

"Ben please-" it begged in my ex-girlfriend's voice.

I just laughed, a cold, humorless sound.

"Haven't you figured out yet that _that just makes me madder_!?"

Then I was on it, driving my knife into the creature's torso, again and again, until my blue tunic was covered in black blood. When it finally disappeared into the familiar black-purple ashes as Risen always do I was panting and drenched in blood and sweat, and I practically threw myself back to avoid sucking in a lungful of Risen-ash.

I still accidentally inhaled a little, though. It smelled like lime and coconuts.

I spat, bloody phlegm splattering onto the pile of ashes.

I took a few steps and leaned with one shoulder against the closest wall, patting down my pockets and hoping to whatever god was watching that the Risen hadn't taken my vulnerary stash. I gave a weak, relieved sigh as my fingers found the familiar glass vials, bringing one to my lips and tearing the cork out with my teeth before upending the whole thing into my mouth. As an afterthought I spat some back out onto my hand and rubbed it into the stab wound in my stomach, helping the healing process along a little.

Only when I was sure the vulnerary was working and I wouldn't need to take a second did I look up, glancing around the room. For good measure I spat one more time, trying to get the last of the stray blood out of my throat.

I was in an old, dark and dilapidated bedroom in what once had to have been a very nice house. A single candle flickered near the door, sitting on a wrought-iron holder fixed to the wall. A filthy, rotted four-poster bed sat against one wall, white sheets long since having turned black with mold and mildew. There were the ruined remains of a closet, the timber long since having collapsed from decay. Piles of detritus lined the walls, human bones easily discernable among the refuse, scraps of cloth and steel and flesh all piled up the same way. I started, realizing my sword and my cloak were sitting atop one of the piles, silently grateful that the Risen hadn't removed my belt and my knives as well.

As I crossed to my virgin blade I eyed the bed again, recalling the sensation of waking up in my old bed and praying it had just been imagined. Lord only knew what kind of pathogens a rotted heap like that bed would hold.

The whole room smelled of damp and rot, and as I strapped my sword back to my belt I could feel the wet air tickling at my lungs, calling forth asthma. I swung my cloak around my shoulders, draping it back over top of my tunic where it belonged. The motion brought a twinge of pain to my freshly-healed stomach, and I brought my hand down to the sodden hole in my shirt. My fingertips brushed a sensitive welt, the beginnings of my newest scar.

I held my hands up to the very weak light coming from the candle near the door, marveling at the shiny scar tissue across the knuckles. After a moment I brought them to my lips, planting a small thank you kiss first on my right knuckles then on my left. The scars had saved my life.

I took a deep breath, or as deep as I dared to given the filth in the room, and yanked the knives out of their holsters on the small of my back.

I could deal with what I'd seen later.

My thoughts were wholly concerned with the girls, lost in this house.

I'd find them. Then we'd hopefully find Nah. Then we'd escape.

And I'd burn this fucking house to the ground on the way out.

Dwelling on the past could come later.

I walked through the ashes of the Risen again, kicking up another cloud of coconut and lime, and my face twisted into a scowl. With barely a thought I pulled the door open and stepped into a dark hallway. I tucked my left knife away and picked up the small candle, tipping the excess wax onto the floor before holding it up in the hall. The space was empty and dark, undisturbed dust caking the floor and the walls. Paintings hung, far too coated by mold and grime to tell what they had once been of, in regular intervals along the walls. There were no other doorways in the hall. One end terminated in a dark window, boards nailed haphazardly across its surface. I needed to go deeper into the house, though. I wasn't leaving without the girls.

With quiet, careful steps I followed the hall to a t-intersection, holding the candle up first to the left and then to the right. The left had been totally abandoned, no doors, just another darkened window, this one without any boards, only dirty panes of glass. There was a small pile of garbage sitting in the hall on the right, in front of another door. It looked like the corpse of a young girl who had wandered into the house at some point, her skin pale, her clothes ragged. I stared at the body, expecting it to suddenly jump up and charge at me.

With a scoff I told myself I'd been playing too many horror games. Then I remembered that I hadn't played a video game in more than a year, and I felt the fear return. With a small sigh I stepped into the hallway, edging along the wall opposite the body, eyes never leaving it.

Just as I inched past it I gave a small relieved sigh, eyes finally moving away from the body. Then its head perked up.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" "Sweet merciful Naga!"

We both screamed at the same time and I dropped the candle, the tiny light spluttering out as it was extinguished by the spilled wax against the floor.

"Wait! You're real!" the girl cried in the dark.

I brought my knife up in my right hand, knuckles white on the hilt, quickly muttering a fire spell incantation and creating a small flame above my empty left. The girl was standing now, in a filthy white dress and a small red cape, a cute little white bow at her breast and brown leather gloves on her hands. Her matching brown leather boots had seen better days, and went up to her thighs. Terrified purple eyes stared yearningly at me from under a lime-green fringe, the same color hair as her mother's. Her hands pulled and twisted at frayed braids hanging over both shoulders.

I cursed internally. I'd been so distracted I hadn't even noticed the girl we were here to save.

"Nah, right?" I said.

"No, I know you're real!" she repeated. "I can see your aura and-"

"Okay this is stopping right fucking now," I growled. "You are the manakete formerly known as Nah, yes? Daughter of Nowi? Yes?"

"Y-yeah?" she nodded, taken aback a little.

"Sorry. I just had a… very unpleasant hallucination," I said, closing my eyes for a moment.

When I opened them I bent down to pick up the candle, using the small magical flame to light the wick again.

"To prevent confusion your name will be Bob until we can figure out a better alias," I told her, deadpan. "Nod if you understand."

Nah, Bob, nodded twice quickly.

"Okay, welcome to rescue mission alpha, Bob," I told her. "My name is Ben, General of Ylisse. Lucina, Noire, Severa and my tactician Robin are probably lost in this house, too. We are going to go and find them. Any questions?"

Nah shook her head quickly.

"Good," I said with a nod. "Oh, and if you're a Risen masquerading as the girl I'm here to find, let me know now so I can just kill you and we can get on with things."

"E-excuse me!?" Nah half-shrieked, slapping her hands over her mouth quickly.

We both looked up and down the halls, relaxing once we verified we were still alone.

"I'm not a Risen!" she hissed indignantly. "I'm a divine dragon, thank you very much! I'll transform and eat you!"

I rolled my eyes, bringing my hand down on top of her head in a gentle chop.

"Yeah, yeah, alright," I sighed. "Let me see your dragonstone, then."

Nah fidgeted a little, eying me warily before indicating the large green gem hanging from the gold necklace around her neck. I brought my hand up, fingertips brushing the gem and feeling the heat, the life, the power that the small thing contained. I'd only held Nowi's once, after we'd finished banging, but the feeling was exactly the same.

"Alright, I'm convinced," I nodded. "How'd you get away from the Risen?"

"I… see auras," Nah explained. "Risen don't have one, so when they tried to trick me I could tell they weren't my… weren't real. I transformed and burned them. How'd you get out of your nightmare?"

"What, you mean the hallucination?" I asked, fingering the new hole in my shirt. "I stabbed myself. The shock seemed to work."

"R-right, okay," Nah said, nodding slowly.

"Anything else I should know?" I asked, holding up the candle to inspect the hall in the direction we needed to go.

"There's Risen," Nah said. "Lots of Risen in this house. And not a lot of space for me to transform. But… Risen aren't the only thing in here."

"Yeah, like the four idiots that got separated from me after I specifically told them not to," I muttered.

"N-no…" Nah said, stammering a little.

"Oh?" I asked, turning back to her. "Like what, then?"

Nah was facing away from me, her eyes wide as she looked back at the window. She lifted one tiny hand, trembling as she pointed.

Against my better judgement, I looked up at the window.

A smiling, rictus grin with far too many pointed teeth looked back at us from outside the window, lank black hair covering the rest of the face. As soon as I caught sight of it, it was gone. A skittering, clawing sound surrounded us inside the walls, lasting only a second before it was gone, leaving us alone in dim silence.

I felt my blood run cold, fear seizing me again.

"Ooh this is not going to be a fun night," I mumbled.

"Nope. Not at all," Nah agreed.

* * *

 **AN: I am legitimately terrified of uploading this chapter, but hey. It's a 'self insert', and, well… this is me. Anyway, I felt like this was a good place to start giving these characters some more depth. Nothing's happened for ten chapters,** _ **something**_ **needed to happen. And all of this is happening for a reason. Next up: the girls' worst fears! Yay!**

 **ANNOUNCEMENT THE SECOND: Metallover's back, and in a big way! After a few months of soul-searching and rejection letters I've decided that this is where I belong for now, and I've got plans for the next few years' worth of stories. I'm rocking a (P)atreon account now, so check the link on my bio and give it a look! Please consider dropping a few bucks for my work, I'd really appreciate it. By doing so you'll not only be supporting me, but you'll be getting access to drafts, previews and exclusive video-blog posts! Also, like, chapters early and stuff. Maybe art? Original works? Who knows! It's gonna be great!**

 **And don't forget to follow me on Twitter! -metalloverCAB**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter the Thirteenth, or 'Tis not a coincidence that I have made the first horror chapter 'Chapter Thirteen''**

I stepped softly through the hallway, candle in one hand and knife in the other, The Manakete Formerly Known as Nah hanging onto the hem of my tunic with one hand as she gingerly followed behind me. I had decided against using the sword; these hallways were pretty tight, and there wasn't a lot of room to maneuver.

Once more my knives seemed less like the whim of a filthy otaku and more like a legitimate tactical decision on my part. Funny how coincidences like that worked out.

Nah-Bob was hanging onto my shirt for one simple reason; I was still pissed that the girls and I had gotten separated so damn quickly. This time I wasn't taking chances. And I did remember how annoying the level you recruited Nah in the game was, what with disappearing and reappearing walls and the like. Nuh-uh. None of that bullshit for me, not today, not with the current level of bullshit currently making me consider jumping out one of these windows and saying 'fuck the girls'.

I had actually debated throwing Nah-Bob out one of the windows, but had decided against it. Not because I was worried about her getting hurt; if she was anything like her mother she'd just transform and fly off.

No, I was keeping her around because I was scared as fuck myself.

The hallways were dark, and every time we went around another corner there was a clicking, skittering sound on the ground behind us. Or ahead of us. Or just plain from within the walls.

My nerves were already stretched thin from the hallucination I'd been forced to endure, my anxiety levels high to begin with as a result.

In short, I really didn't want to be alone right now.

We approached another corner in the blank, uniform hallways and the candle fluttered, the familiar skittering returning behind us. Nah gave a little squeak, pressing herself against my back and burying her face in my tunic as I spun, holding the dying candle high.

Nothing.

Just the empty hallway.

"Argh, mother of fuck this is getting old," I seethed through clenched teeth. "You okay back there, Bob?"

"Y-yeah," Nah stammered, moving away from me a little.

"Right, this psychological warfare bullshit stops now," I said, my voice still hushed as we resumed walking. "So. Tell me. Who's your dad?"

"Wh-what? Now?" Nah asked, confused.

"It's called a distraction technique," I explained, eyes scanning the hallway ahead.

I looked back, making sure nothing was coming behind us before we pressed on. Nah remained silent for a moment and I had another terrifying thought. Nowi and I hadn't exactly used what passed as Ylissean 'protection', and despite her assurances it was safe I still had a little nagging thought in the back of my mind.

"Wait, Nah, am I your dad?"

"What!? No! Of course not!" she almost shouted. "Why would you even ask that!?"

I froze, glancing down at the girl.

"Because your mom and I… we… uh… that is…" I mumbled. "Uh… do you even know where babies come from?"

"Yeah, from eggs," Nah snapped, like I was a moron.

"You know what, you're right, this is a conversation for later," I groaned. "Forget it, awkward silence it is."

We took a few more slow steps, my eyes back to scanning the hallway ahead of us and periodically looking over my shoulder, before Nah spoke again.

"I do feel a little less scared now, though," she said in a small voice.

"I don't, but it's a totally different kind of fear," I muttered under my breath.

After a few more seconds of careful shuffling we came to another corner and stopped, waiting for the familiar skitter. Nothing. I glanced down at Nah, the manakete looking up at me with big eyes and her lips pressed into a thin line. I brought my right hand to my face, careful of my knife, and pressed my index finger to my lips to call for quiet. Then I silently inched towards the corner and pressed my back to the wall. I hesitated, taking a deep breath to build up my nerve, and stuck my head out just enough to see another empty hallway. Except this one was different. Still the same uniform blank walls and floor, but now there was a doorway at the end.

I stepped out, Nah following close behind, and as soon as we stepped into the hall with the door there was a whoosh of displaced air behind us.

I spun, wide eyed and expecting the worst, the little candle almost going out at the movement.

Another blank wall was inches from my face, having appeared from nowhere and effectively blocked our way back.

Nah gave a little groan, shuffling closer to me again as I took a deep breath.

"Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck," I repeated as I exhaled. "I forgot this place could do that."

"I hate when it does that," Nah moaned.

"Only one thing for it, then," I shrugged, turning away from the wall. "Let's see what's behind the mystery door."

I didn't think anything of it when Nah grabbed me with her other hand. I just figured she was nervous. But when the third hand grabbed me my heart stopped. Then as more groping hands felt around for my tunic I screamed, grabbing Nah roughly by the shoulder and leaping away from the wall.

"Hands! Fucking hands! Hands! Move!" "Oh Naga! Oh sweet merciful Naga why are there hands!?"

The entire wall erupted with blindly groping hands, seemingly covered in the same drab grey wallpaper as the rest of the wall. Dozens of disembodied appendages reached out, grasping, looking for us, and I shuddered violently at the thought that they had almost had me.

"Door! Now!" I snapped.

I practically dragged Nah with me as I ran straight for the door, both of us breathing heavy, Nah whimpering. I pulled her close as I opened the door, wary of more tricks from this house, and we spun into the room. Nah buried her face in my tunic again, holding onto me with all her strength as we shuffled a few feet away from the walls. Just in case. We took a moment to catch our breath, and in the dimly lit room I realized I'd dropped the candle in the hall.

"Oh fuck I dropped the candle," I groaned.

Nah was silent a moment before pulling back and looking up at me. "Are you going back for it?"

I glanced at the door and had to gather my courage a moment before I nodded, stepping back from Nah and reaching for the handle, expecting more of those hands to appear. When none did I breathed a small sigh of relief and tried to turn the knob. It rattled but didn't move, suddenly locked.

"I guess I'm not," I said, scooting away from the door again.

Nah gave a little frustrated groan, drifting closer to me again. I don't know why, because I was practically hyperventilating myself, but if it made her feel better then whatever.

There was, however, light already in the room. I looked around, taking the space in. It was an old style sitting room, a 'man cave' before they were banished to garages and sheds. Comfortable, high backed chairs sat in front of a fireplace with a decent blaze going, making the room feel stiflingly hot. A line of sweat was already running down my back from the heat. The walls were shrouded in darkness, but from what I could see trophies of every kind hung from every surface, surrounding more odd paintings and statues. Antlers, claws, bones and whole jaws hung in every spare space. And around the fire were the heads. Taxidermized heads of every beast imaginable. To my disgust a full-sized dragon head hung over the fireplace, several Taguel heads around it. Each was mounted on a wooden plaque, each exquisitely preserved. More were spread along the wall around the fireplace; lions and bears frozen mid-roar, boars and deer with antlers wider than my arm span. Even more heads were hung in the shadows outside of the fire's light.

"What is… this place?" Nah asked, her voice tremoring.

I glanced down at her, finding tears in the girl's eyes as she looked up at the remains of a fellow manakete, displayed as a trophy.

"I really don't want to know," I said, my voice low.

I stepped forward until I was out of the cone of light from the fireplace, looking around the space. Nah followed hesitantly, still eying the Manakete head.

I blinked, focusing on the shadowed heads and willing my night vision to adjust. I instantly wished I hadn't. Human heads stared slackly out of the darkness, mounted on the wall like all the others. Men and women, some old and some my age, some even younger. I stifled a gasp, but Nah heard me and came rushing over. She gave a muffled cry when she saw what I had, burying her head in my chest again and shaking.

"I want to leave now," she muttered. "Please. I want to leave."

Oh, I was so burning this place to the ground.

I looked up, spotting two doors. One on the opposite side of the room from where we'd come in, another opposite the fire. I nodded to Nah, kneading the grip of my knife as I took her hand in my now-free left, leading her towards the door opposite where we'd entered. We made it barely a step back into the firelight when another wall just phased into existence in our faces, cutting us off from the door and leaving us with only one option. Nah barked out another little sound of fear, pressing herself to my side again.

I took a shuddering breath, wishing there had been someone for me to hide against.

I approached the new wall, resting my hand against it. It felt like a wall. Like it had stood there for centuries. Hard, cold and unyielding. I looked down at Nah, still pressed to my side, and decided we needed to get the fuck out of here sooner rather than later. Before the kid had an aneurism.

"So, I'm sick of being herded by this house," I said down to the top of Nah's head. "Stay close, I'm gonna do something stupid."

I shrugged Nah off, the girl giving me a terrified look as I drew my left fist back and threw it with all my might at the wall. The old boards shattered under my blow, making a decent sized hole, revealing the other half of the room beyond.

And every head hanging on the wall behind us began to scream.

I flinched back, Nah shouting in alarm as she covered her ears, both of us backing towards the nearest door in the face of the unholy choir we were being subjected to.

"Make them stop!" she cried.

Without thinking I charged forward, eyes wild, and struck the closest head with an elbow drop. I just wanted it to stop, to shut up. It came apart under my blow like papier-mâché, collapsing easily under the elbow.

It just made the remaining heads scream louder.

The animals had joined in now, pigs and deer honking at us as the carnivores roared and snarled. I backed away, the screaming starting to grate on my sanity, and grabbed Nah's hand again, pulling her back towards the remaining door.

"We have to go!" I said, eying the silent manakete head.

To my great dismay its dead eyes swiveled around and eyed me back.

"Fuck this, we out!" I said, opening the door and pulling Nah through.

As soon as I closed the door all was silent again, the only sounds I could hear our haggard breathing and the pounding of my pulse in my ears. It was fast. Way too fast. I took a shuddering breath, feeling it catch against the tightness in my chest. Without another thought I pulled a vulnerary free and downed a third of it, quelling the asthma attack. Nah looked up as I did so, worry etched on her face.

"Are you okay!? Did one of them get you!?"

"I'm fine, just broke my hand on the wall," I lied, deciding it would be easier to explain later.

The girl gave a sob, wrapping her arms around her chest and falling against me.

"I can't take this place anymore! I need to get out of here!" she mewled.

I put a comforting hand on her shoulder, holding her as I looked around. It was pitch black in the hallway, and with a small sigh I held up my free hand and conjured what little fire magic I could. The candle had done a better job than my weak skills, but at least the spell just barely managed to illuminate the area around us. As I'd suspected, it was another empty hallway. No windows, no doors, no paintings. Just plain grey plastered halls and the same old hardwood floor. I glanced over my shoulder at the door we'd come through, scooting myself and Nah away from it a little. Just in case.

"This isn't physically possible," I said, thinking out loud. "The house wasn't this big. We should have already covered the entire second floor, the amount of walking we've done, and still no staircases down or up or… anything. Something's fucking with us and I don't like it."

"I need to get out of here," Nah repeated into my chest. "I need to get out of here… I need… to get out of here…"

I froze, realizing she was probably going into shock. I grabbed her shoulder with my knife hand, letting the blade rest back against my hand, and gave her a gentle shake.

"Hey. Bob. Listen very carefully," I said, bending down to her level. "We are getting out of here. So get your shit together. Get all your shit together and put it in a backpack, all your shit, so it's together, and if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, ya know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in a shit museum, I don't care what you do but you gotta get your shit together, okay? You hearing me? Get your shit together, kid."

Nah blinked at me a few times, her tear-filled eyes uncomprehending for a moment before she cracked a grin and chuckled a little, and I felt myself grinning back.

"That was the worst pep talk ever," she snickered.

"But it did its job, because you're focused now, right?" I asked, standing back up straight.

Nah nodded before looking down and trembling a little again, grabbing hold of the bottom edge of my tunic and bunching it in her shaking fist.

"Y-yeah," she said quietly. "But I'm still scared."

"So am I," I told her. "The only reason I wasn't a quivering mess on the floor back in that… trophy room is because we have to find the others. But if we want to get out of here we need to keep it together and stay together. So I need you with me on this one, Nah."

"I thought you were calling me Bob," she said, grinning up at me.

"Just making sure you're paying attention," I shrugged, doing my best to smile reassuringly. "Now while we're here anyway let's see what's down spooky hallway number two."

"Right. Right. We can do this," Nah said.

We proceeded slowly, Nah clinging to me a lot closer than before. As comforting as it probably was for her, it was probably doubly-so for me. I hadn't been kidding about being about to lose it in that trophy room.

As we approached the next corner the skittering sound from before returned inside the wall, and Nah gave a little yelp, jumping a little and ramming the fist she had clenched onto my tunic right into my kidney.

"Ow!"

"Sorry!"

I glared back over my shoulder, making sure to take a moment to ensure that the coast was clear. As I turned back forward I hesitated a moment, making sure that the wall wasn't, in fact, bulging where we heard the skittering from and it was just a trick of the light. I gave a small sigh, moving to run a hand down my face before remembering that one hand was holding a very sharp knife and the other was on fire. Fortunately, Nah missed that part as she was so intent on eyeing our surroundings.

We snuck forward a little more, and I peeked around the corner. A hunched, darkened shape stood in the middle of the hallway. It was too dark to make out details, but the shape of a familiar uniform hood sat atop its head. It had it's back to us and stood perfectly still, as if waiting.

"Bob, there's a Risen in here," I whispered over my shoulder. "I need you to look back and make sure there's none behind us."

"I… I can't," Nah whispered, shame evident in her tone. "You do it."

"I am not taking my eyes off this thing," I told her.

"I can't!" Nah insisted, pressing her face into my side. "You have to do it!"

I paused for a moment, feeling a shiver pass up my spine.

"Fuck it, I'd rather just die," I said.

Nah responded with another pathetic mewling sound of fear, and I gave a small sigh through my nose. Once more that day I took a few seconds and gathered my courage. I flicked my gaze back, taking in an empty hallway in a heartbeat, and turned back to find the Risen now facing us. It was standing in the same spot it had been before, but now its glowing red eyes were turned on us, like blazing embers in the darkened hallway.

"Oh fuck it sees us," I muttered.

"What do we do!?" Nah hissed.

"Kill it?" I shrugged, stepping out into the hall.

One Risen, alone and unarmed, I could kill. One Risen I could kill, and reduce my stress levels while increasing Nah's confidence. This would be easy, I told myself as I approached the Risen.

"Stay close," I told Nah.

The young manakete hurried along behind me, holding tight to my tunic.

I brought my fist back as the Risen raised its claws, distended and sharpened bone glinting in the weak firelight of my spell, and before it could strike I attacked preemptively, punching my knife through its hood and into the creature's face in a stunning show of brute force and violence. I pushed my attack, punching three more times.

And in my hectic movements, Nah lost her grip.

I felt a familiar whoosh of displaced air between us, Nah giving a terrified yelp that was cut off as one of those damned walls separated us.

"Nah!" I shouted, totally ignoring the wounded Risen.

Silence.

"Nah!?" I tried again.

In desperation I smashed both fists into the wall. This one was a lot harder than the one in the trophy room had been, and I felt my knuckles break after the third blow. Fear dulled my sense of pain, though, and eventually I managed to make a hole the size of my fist. Nah's face instantly filled the gap, tears streaming down her pale face.

"Ben!" she screamed.

"Hold on!" I shouted back, desperately trying to widen the hole.

There was a grunt from behind me and pain shot up my side as the forgotten Risen raked its claws down my side. I cried out in pain and kicked blindly at it, focused on reuniting with Nah. The hole was about the size of my head now, and growing with every punch.

To my dismay I felt another familiar whoosh of air, the gap I'd made starting to phase closed as fresh wall filled it in. Nah screamed again in despair, and I snarled as I jammed my flaming hand into the half-formed wall. This seemed to do the trick, as the half-formed wall blinked back out of existence, and I used the opportunity to widen the gap again. I shoved both arms through, letting the fire spell go out, and felt Nah's desperate hands wrap around my wrists. With a mighty pull I yanked her into the hole. Just as she got halfway I felt the Risen's claws sink into my side this time, biting deep. With one hand still gripping at Nah I flailed behind me, feeling blood starting to rise in my throat, the coppery taste heady in my mouth. Once more the Risen fell back, and I tore Nah through the small opening in the wall. She latched onto me, screaming and burying her face in my chest, and at last I turned and buried my knife in the Risen's neck. It disappeared in a cloud of ash, and Nah and I fell to our knees, exhausted and wounded.

The Risen ash smelled faintly of coconuts and lime.

"Are you okay!? Are you okay!? Nah!?" I asked, repeating myself again and again.

As the girl bawled into my tunic I reached down, pulling out another vulnerary and upending it into my mouth. Then I cast the empty vial aside and raised my hand, calling the fire spell again. Nah shuddered against me, her hands gripping my tunic so tightly I thought she'd tear right through it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, holding her with one hand. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"D-d-don't… leave me again!" Nah hiccupped, finally looking up at me.

Her face was a mess of tears, and with a nod I pressed her back into my chest, dropping my chin on top of her head.

"Stay close to me, okay?" I told her.

She nodded against me, sniffling and shuddering a few more times.

"Are you hurt?" I asked softly.

"I… got a little scratched. When I went through the wall," she said pitifully.

I pulled back a little, Nah only slightly resisting as I got a look at her. The arms of her dress were totally destroyed, and her little red cape was in tatters. Blood from scrapes covered her upper arms, running down to her elbows. There were significant tears in the front of the dress, too, no doubt mirrored on the back. The hole had clearly still been too small, but I hadn't been about to leave her alone with god only knew what.

The dragonstone clasped at her throat glinted softly in the weak firelight, and on impulse I reached out, brushing my fingertips against it to assure myself it was really her. Warm, ancient energy radiated out to my fingertips, and I let out a breath I didn't even know I'd been holding. Nah reached up with both her hands and held my own to her dragonstone, careful of the trench knife still wrapped around my fingers.

"I'm… cold," she admitted after a moment.

With quick, deliberate movement I pulled back and shrugged off my tunic. It was bloody, and had a few holes of its own now, but combined with Nah's ruined dress would offer her a modicum of modesty and warmth. I held it out to her, smiling a little and clad now only in my ruined undershirt.

"Here," I said. "Your dress has seen better days. Better wear this, too."

"Th-thank you," Nah sniffled.

"No more crying now, okay?" I said softly.

"I… I know," Nah nodded, pulling on my tunic. "I'll get my shit together."

"Atta girl," I grinned. "Come on. I'm gonna do something stupid again."

"Do you have to?" Nah asked as we rose to our feet.

I shrugged. "We know now that I can punch through the walls. Let's see what happens when I really try."

"You mean you weren't trying to save me?" Nah asked indignantly.

"Of course I was," I laughed. "But this time there's no distractions. I'm gonna make this wall my bitch."

Then, before I could talk myself out of it, I extinguished the fire in my hand, grabbed Nah by the wrist, and proceeded to wail on the closest side wall with my knife hand. I felt familiar resistance, about the same as the last one I'd punched through, but this time I was smarter about it. I positioned my trench knife to act as a sort of knuckle-buster, and before long I had a decent sized hole. I began to kick at it, too, and to my surprise Nah got a couple good kicks in as well. Every time the wall would begin to phase itself back I would send a small jet of flames from my knife hand into the gap. Apparently, like most everything else in the world, this house seemed to be allergic to fire. Pretty soon we had a decent sized hole, and as we stepped into whatever was beyond I lit the magical flame above my hand again, Nah latching onto my belt and practically walking pressed up against my side.

Turns out I hadn't needed the magic fire for light, because as soon as we stepped into the hole it was as if the entire world changed.

* * *

The first thing I registered, before my sight fully recovered, was the smell. Scorched, burned earth, mixed with death and decay. The stink of burning human bodies, of burning blood. It's not a smell I'll ever forget. And, unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last time I had to smell it.

We emerged from the hole in the wall into what looked to have once been a battlefield camp, burned remains of tents littering the ground. It appeared to be dusk, the sky an angry orange-purple color. I didn't recognize the geography of the surrounding area, but the air was pretty dry. Whether from natural causes or the fire I wasn't sure, though. Charred poles stuck up from blackened earth, piles of ash reduced to dust on the wind, adding to the grey haze that seemed to have settled over the area. Bodies lay strewn about, too. Some in armor, almost unrecognizable as Ylissean it was so burned, others just reduced to blackened skeletons.

"What… the fuck?" I muttered, looking around.

"I think… I think this is Ylisse," Nah said from my side. "Somewhere in the north. One of our camps, from the future. But… I don't understand. We were never attacked up north."

"The place looks deserted. You sense anything?"

"What?"

"Auras, do you sense any weird auras?"

"Oh, right!" Nah chuckled embarrassed.

The manakete shuffled forward a few steps, still not taking her hand off my belt, and closed her eyes. It only took a moment for them to snap back open, a shocked look on her face.

"Noire!"

I whirled on her, grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Where is my little girl!?" I asked desperately.

"O-over there!"

She pointed in a seemingly random direction, deeper into the ruined camp. Without thinking I grabbed Nah by the wrist and we were off, heedlessly stomping through the ruins. I didn't look down at what was crunching beneath my boots. Nah did at one point, and judging from the little moan she gave I had made the right call.

As we went deeper into the camp signs of a slaughter became more and more evident. Bodies were no longer whole, limbs and heads strewn about, just as charred as the rest. I tried not to look around too much, worried for my already deteriorating sanity before we had even stepped into this cursed house, but when my foot accidentally kicked something I couldn't help but look down and watch as it rolled away. A head, half the flesh burned away to blackened skull looked up at me with its single remaining eye, the remaining half of the face that had been buried in the dirt and spared the passing flames instantly recognizable.

"Oh Naga! Laurent!" Nah shrieked.

I had to pull her back, the little manakete struggling with surprising strength. She yanked her wrist out of my grip, and I had to grab her by the hand instead.

"It's not real!" I practically snarled.

"But-"

"Laurent is in Ylisstol right now, thinking up newer and meaner ways to kill people for me," I explained heatedly. "This isn't real. Don't let yourself be fooled by it, Nah!"

She looked up at me for a moment before wiping the tears out of her eyes again and nodding.

"I'm… sorry," she said, her breath shuddering.

"What is this? Another hallucination?" I asked, looking around.

"I think…" Nah said hesitantly, still looking at the fake Laurent head. "What did you see? In your own hallucination?"

"Something I'd rather never even consider again," I growled. "Someone I loved who hurt me very badly."

"Were you… afraid?"

"Terrified. What about yours?"

"Terrified," Nah nodded, finally looking back up at me. "I think, whatever this place is, it feeds off our fear. Our greatest fears."

"That's a little cliched, but given the last few hours I'll buy it," I sighed through clenched teeth, starting to pull Nah along through the camp again. "So, what did you see, anyway?"

"Is this another distraction technique?" she asked.

"It's curiosity," I grinned over my shoulder.

Nah was silent for a few more steps before finally answering. "I was in the future again. And I was hungry. So I ate all the food. And everyone else starved. Because I'd been so selfish."

"But you realized it wasn't real," I said.

"So did you," Nah pointed out.

"Ah, actually only half," I shrugged flippantly. "The other half was the thought 'I'd rather die than do this again', so I don't know if it counts."

I glanced back at Nah as she squeezed my hand, looking down as her fingers brushed the hole I'd made in my tunic earlier.

"I think it still counts," she said at last.

"Well, good," I grunted. "Any idea where Noire is?"

"I can sense her, but it's vague," Nah admitted, looking around.

"Okay, so you said this looked like one of the camps you made in the future, yeah? Did Noire spend any time anywhere?"

"H-her tent," Nah said. "The mess tent. A-and…"

"And?" I prompted when she trailed off.

"The supply tent," Nah said, looking down with a confused expression. "She and… uh, Inigo would sneak off to… um… check the inventory, but why they needed to spend so much time doing that together-"

"I knew it was that smarmy little prick!" I snarled, cutting her off. "I'll kill him! I'll kill him with my teeth!"

Nah gaped up at me in surprise and I cleared my throat, blushing a little.

"Ah, sorry. Let's start there, shall we?"

"Sure," Nah said hesitantly.

We slowly picked our way through the ruined camp, hand in hand, doing our upmost to ignore the bodies and the detritus around us. At one point I think I spotted Severa's shield-pauldron. Weapons that looked oddly familiar. What looked like the corner of Lucina's old mask sticking up from a pile of ash. And most disturbing was Noire's bow, cut cleanly in two. We stopped for a moment to look at this before moving on, me shaking my head a little as Nah remained silent.

As we came closer to the remains of the larger tents to the rear of the camp a strange, lilting melody reached us through the still air, Nah visibly shuddering. Some of the larger tents still had scraps of canvas hanging up, making small walls that we couldn't see through. Given the already low visibility I sucked in a breath and made a face, reigniting the weak fire spell above my hand while Nah clutched my belt again.

"Oh, isn't that cute? I love what you've done with your hair, Severa."

Nah and I exchanged a glance, both of our eyes widening in surprise.

That had been Noire's voice.

"You were always prettier than me, right? You always made sure I knew that, right? NOW WHO'S PRETTIER!?"

Nah jumped at the sudden shout, Noire's hysterical laughter that followed chilling me to the bone.

We got closer to the ruined tent, Noire humming along to something under her breath again. Something clattered to the ground, and as we walked around the scrap of canvas a charred skull came rolling to a stop at our feet. There was a crunch, and I looked up to see Noire sitting hunched on a crate, Falchion in her hand and embedded in another skull. This one still had a few wisps of blue hair on it.

"Now which one of us is more important, _princess_?" Noire hissed. "You can't keep taking them away from me, you know… they're mine… my friends… my family… my daddy…"

"Well, the apple clearly doesn't fall far from the yandere-tree," I muttered.

"Daddy?"

Nah and I both looked over to the shadows where the voice had come from, a pathetic-looking little girl curled up with her knees pressed to her chest sitting in the ashes. Her black air and violet eyes, though, just like her mother's, were the giveaway. The little girl was Noire.

The older Noire didn't look up, cackling a little to herself as she continued to grind Falchion into the skull at her feet.

"I did this," the little girl sobbed. "This is… all my fault…"

"I killed them all," the older Noire whispered, her voice rapturous. "And I… I loved it…"

"Noire, honey, I…" I said, taking a few steps towards the little girl.

"No!" she shrieked. "I killed them! Stay away, or I'll kill you, too!"

I hesitated as Nah pulled on my hand, glancing back at her. The smaller girl was still looking at the older version of Noire as she bent down, cradling Lucina's skull to her chest now.

"That one," Nah said, pointing at the older Noire.

I stopped cold, glaring down at the younger version of Noire. We made eye contact, the little girl looking pleadingly up at me. I turned away.

"You're sure?" I asked Nah, eying the older Noire. "Because I'm running out of vulneraries."

Nah nodded, and I let go of her hand.

"I think there's enough room to transform in here, Bob," I told her over my shoulder. "Do me a favor and light it up."

I took a few more steps towards Noire, and behind me I heard a peculiar sound. The only other time I'd heard it was when Panne transformed, and I couldn't really describe it. Like a rustling, tearing sound. There was a rush of heat behind me, accompanied by a flash of blue light as Nah flambeed the fake Noire. The Risen, or whatever was masquerading as my daughter, gave a pained shriek. It was the shriek of a little girl being burned alive, and it haunted me for years afterwards. But the older Noire finally looked up, her eyes widening as she spotted me.

"Daddy?" she whispered.

"Hey sweetie," I said softly.

"No!?" she shrieked, curling into a ball and hiding her head in her knees. "Don't look at me! I killed them all, I'm a monster! Don't look at me!"

I looked back at Nah, now returned to her human form. The girl gave me a helpless shrug from where she stood ankle deep in Risen ash. I turned back to Noire and, acting on my underdeveloped parental instincts, took another few steps forward until I was beside her.

"Noire, look at me," I said sternly.

"I can't!" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry… I just… lost control and… and…"

"Noire!" I shouted, my voice dropping a few octaves.

It was the 'dad voice' every man had, and no one could resist it. Noire looked up, eyes wide. And I did what any father would do.

I smacked her in the back of the head so hard her little headband came off.

Nah gasped behind me, and Noire looked up at me with wide, teary eyes as I crossed my arms and sunk to a hip.

"Are you just about done moping?" I asked her. "Give your head a shake, girl."

"D-dad, I-"

"Ah! Don't start with me, little lady!" I snapped, cutting her off. "You get your ass up and you grab a broom, and you start cleaning up this mess you've made!"

Noire blinked up at me in shock for a few more moments before the air around us shimmered, the hallucination seemingly unravelling. After a few more seconds the three of us were standing in another room, what looked to have once been a fancy sitting room. Noire was perched on one of the filthy chairs, Nah standing in front of a sizeable scorch mark on one of the papered walls.

"What…?" Noire mumbled, looking around in surprise. "What happened?"

I rushed forward, wrapping Noire in a tight hug before she could even stand up.

"You scared the hell out of me, that's what!" I said into the top of her head. "What part of don't get separated was so… fucking hard to…"

"Dad? Are you crying?" Noire asked, dumbfounded.

"Fuck you it's been a rough day!"

I took a deep breath, composing myself before I pulled back from Noire. She just sat there, staring at the ground with a slack expression on her face, a haunted look in her eyes.

"Hey," I said, kneeling down. "You okay?"

"That was… all fake?" Noire asked, not moving. "Everything…"

"All of it," I assured her.

"I didn't… kill anyone?" Noire asked, a hopeful expression rising onto her face.

"No one we care about," I said with a grin.

"But it… felt so real," Noire whispered, looking down again. "And it felt so… good…"

"We think this place preys on our deepest fears," Nah said, coming forward. "It wasn't real, Noire."

"Nah!?" the archer asked, her gaze snapping up.

"Yes, and for simplicity's sake we're calling her Bob now," I said with a laugh.

Noire frowned a little as Nah stepped forward, her gaze darkening.

"Why is she wearing your tunic?" Noire asked me, glaring at the manakete.

"There was an instance with a wall and her dress got ruined," I deadpanned. "You need to pump the brakes on that yandere-train, missy."

"Noire!" Nah cried suddenly, flinging herself at the taller girl.

I stood back, letting them cry and hug and whatever else for a moment as I inspected the room. As I guessed, the wall we'd broken through had already repaired itself. There was a door leading back out, but I assumed that it would just lead back to the endless hallways we'd gone through earlier where whatever was animating this house could corral us to its heart's content. Here, in this sitting room, though, there was more than enough space for Nah to transform, meaning she could blow a hole for us to go through nice and easy, letting us make our own path.

Much like the room I'd woken up in there was detritus spread about the corners of the room, and I spotted Noire's bow and equipment atop one pile. I moved to retrieve it, slowly in case more of the phantom walls popped up. I gave a small sigh as I grabbed the bow and bundled the rest of Noire's stuff up.

"If you two are just about done," I said, turning back to the girls.

Noire and Nah both looked up with big smiles on their faces, grinning as Noire wiped the last of Nah's tears away. It was nice to see Noire in older sister mode, even if she still looked a little shaken up. Noire finally stood as I crossed the room again, and I offered her the bow I'd picked up.

"A lot of this place is way too small for Nah to transform," I said, holding out the weapon. "I could use some backup."

Noire's smile dropped as she tentatively put her hand on the bow, her eyes dropping again.

"Wh-what… if I lose it again?" she asked softly.

When Noire moved to take the bow, I held on, and she looked back up in confusion.

"You won't," I said simply, before letting her take the bow. "This house couldn't break me. It sure as hell won't break you. You're way stronger than me, Noire."

"He's right!" Nah added. "You've always been stronger than most of us!"

"I'm not afraid of breaking," Noire whispered, holding her bow close to her chest. "I'm afraid… I want to."

"Then let go," I said flippantly. "Unleash on everything that gets in our way. Let it out. Stop trying to control your anger and start aiming it."

"And what if I can't?" Noire asked, a tremor in her voice again. "What if I can't stop?"

"Then I stop you," I told her. "But I know I won't need to. You don't have to believe in yourself. I believe in you. Believe in the me believing in you."

Noire made a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh and shook her head a little. "You really suck at motivational speeches."

"I told him the same thing," Nah giggled.

Noire took a deep, shaky breath before standing up straight. With practiced movements she slipped her quiver belt around her hips, making sure the quiver was sitting right before wrapping her own cloak back around her shoulders. When she was done she wiped at her eyes with the side of one hand before looking up, favoring both myself and Nah with a determined look.

"Let's go kick this house's ass," she said.

"Yeah!" Nah cheered.

"If you weren't my daughter I would have just fallen in love with you," I laughed.

"Way to make it weird, dad," Noire laughed back.

"I had actually managed to forget how weird your family was," Nah muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, Bob, if you would please do the honors of transforming and blowing us a nice big hole in that wall I'd appreciate it," I said with a grin.

"Why that wall?" Nah asked, taking a few steps towards it.

"It knows what it did," I chuckled.

Nah just rolled her eyes and transformed, incinerating a decent sized patch of wall for us to pass through. Then, before it could reform, Nah transformed back, we formed a chain of hands and ran through the gap.

* * *

We emerged into a well-lit room and I was momentarily blinded. I let out a hiss, extinguishing my fire spell as I waited for my eyes to readjust. I felt Noire and Nah move closer to me, clearly just as blinded as I was. I involuntarily shuddered as both girls put a hand on my back, remembering the hand-wall earlier.

As my vision cleared I realized we were standing in a living room. Not a modern one, more the kind of living room you'd find in a cottage in Ylisse somewhere. A kitchen and entertaining space, the kitchen bench along one wall with a table and chair set in the middle of the room. A fireplace with some chairs on it was over to one side, opposite a staircase leading to a second floor where the bedrooms no doubt were. The house was clearly lived in, but well maintained. Everything was clean, and fresh vegetables were piled up near the kitchen counter. Garlic and roots hung, drying in the kitchen window, and the fire crackled merrily in the hearth. Bright sunlight shone in, and outside I could see the shadows of foot traffic.

We, I decided as I slowly sheathed my trench knife, were in Ylisstol.

"Is this… Ylisstol?" Nah asked, her voice quiet with awe as she approached the window.

"Looks like," I said. "Whose nightmare is 'normalness'?"

Nah jumped a little, closing her eyes and turning back to the room.

"… Severa," Nah said, opening her eyes.

"Holy shit I can't believe that worked," I scoffed, grinning. "And good, I was just beginning to miss her level head and good humor."

Noire snickered, but still elbowed me in the ribs. Nah just rolled her eyes, clearly stifling her own grin.

"Sev's greatest fear is… a normal life?" Noire asked curiously.

"I'm sure we're missing something here," Nah said, glancing around again.

I had to admit, finding Noire had done a great deal of good for our confidence. We had beaten the house and whatever malign intelligence was behind its evil, at least in part. It made me think that maybe rescuing the others wouldn't be so hard. It didn't look like this space was big enough for Nah to transform again comfortably, but I'd already proven that I could make a decent sized hole myself.

Of course, we still had to figure out where the fuck Severa was before we could start thinking about moving on.

We spread out a little, wary of being too far separated from each other. Nah and Noire moved to the windows as I studied the kitchen. Something was boiling on the cast iron stovetop, a cold kettle sitting aside on the counter. Despite all the other bullshit we'd seen in this haunted hell-hole, when I lifted the pot's lid I found an aromatic stew, the scent making my mouth water. This was a normal-ass house. Nothing evil or even slightly off about it. The same kind of house as any other in Ylisstol's middle-tier.

I turned back to the girls, all of us approaching the table in the middle of the room.

"The door's locked," Noire reported.

"And the people outside are just… shades," Nah added. "They're not really there."

"I figured as much," I sighed. "No sign of our resident tsundere?"

"Tsunde-wha?" Nah asked, quirking her head.

"I'll explain later," Noire smirked before turning back to me. "Not that we've been able to see."

I shrugged, cupping my hands to my mouth and tilting my head back.

"Oi! Severa!" I shouted.

Both girls flinched at my voice, shooting me equal glares as I grinned.

Maybe I was getting a little too confident…

"What!?" a high voice answered from upstairs.

I watched Noire and Nah exchange a confused look out of the corner of my eye, but when they remained silent I decided to roll with it.

"Get your butt down here already!"

There was a frustrated sigh followed by heavy footsteps above us, and I just grinned at the performance.

"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Nah asked.

"Got a better one?" Noire responded, very unenthusiastically.

"Oh, ye of little faith," I smirked.

We all turned to the stairs, then, as Severa made her entrance. And all three of our jaws dropped. Severa swept into the room wearing a beautiful and simple cream colored dress, her long red hair down and hanging past her waist. Rather than the haggard, gaunt lines of her face that I'd come to associate with the girl, her cheeks full and smooth and her skin practically glowing. She'd even filled out, her dress offering just the barest hint of cleavage.

She looked beautiful, even though she was scowling at us.

She looked like any other girl I'd seen around Ylisse.

But… it was idealized. There was no dirt, her dress practically brand new, her long hair combed perfectly. She didn't look like she'd worked, like most women had. She looked like what someone who had never seen a middle-class city woman would think they looked like.

"What are you three idiots screaming about?" she snapped as she stepped into the room.

Except her voice held none of the venom I'd come to associate with her. Her face was soft, almost gentle, as she favored us with a smile.

"Wow, Twilight Zone much?" I muttered.

"S-Sev?" Noire asked hesitantly. "Is that… you?"

Severa laughed, actually _laughed_ , before she practically skipped up to Noire. And proceeded to hug her.

"I know, the dress was his idea," Severa said, pulling back and turning to Nah, only to wrap the girl in a tight hug, too. "It's good to see you both again. Even King of the Assholes, too, I guess."

"Nice tsundere," I said automatically, giving Severa a thumbs-up.

Severa giggled before sweeping past us again, moving to check the pot on the stove. I froze, dumbstruck by the fact that Severa had _fucking giggled._

This day was turning into a very, very weird day.

Nah stepped forward, giving me a significant glance, before turning to the redhead.

"Severa, whose idea was the dress again?"

My face lit up as I turned to Nah, giving her a big grin and an approving nod.

"Good thinking, ninety-nine," I muttered to her.

"My husband's, gawds," Severa sighed, turning back to us. "And what's with the three of you? You all look like you just got off a battlefield! Look at my nice clean floors!"

"It took you that long to notice I'm covered in blood?" I laughed.

"Did you cut yourself shaving again?" Severa asked sarcastically.

The fiery redhead sighed angrily again before rolling her eyes and stomping forward.

"You're not hurt, right?" she asked a little more seriously.

"Considering I never go anywhere without about a kilo of vulneraries in my pocket, yeah I'm fine," I scoffed.

"Good, then go wait outside while I get you something to rinse off with," she said, giving me a little push towards the door. "Girls, can you help me clean this mess up? And Nah, what in Naga's name happened to your dress!?"

"Are you even paying attention right now?" I asked incredulously. "And more importantly, why do I not remember you having a husband?"

"Er, Ben, are you sure it's such a good idea to-" Nah started.

"No, fuck this shit!" I snapped, rounding on Severa. "We're in a haunted house! One that is fucking with our heads! This! Isn't! Real! Wake the fuck up!"

Severa just blinked at me for a few moments before bursting into laughter, doubling over she was going so hard.

"Oh, oh gods!" she laughed. "Oh gods, guys, that happened years ago!"

"Severa… how old are you?" Nah asked, coming forward.

"What?" Severa asked, wiping a tear from her eye.

"How old are you?" Nah repeated.

"What kind of question is that?" Severa asked, beginning to get cross. "I don't know what kind of game you three are playing, but it's not funny. I expect this from them, but not you, Nah."

The young manakete actually flinched at Severa's accusatory tone, and after everything the two of us had been through today I was feeling a little over-protective of her.

"Severa, I swear to god I'm about to hold you up by your ankles and shake the bitch out of you like loose change," I growled. "Open your damned eyes! We need to-"

"Enough!" the redhead snarled, turning away from us. "Just… leave! If you're going to be like this then just leave! All of you!"

"Severa!" Noire hissed, clearly beginning to lose her patience.

"Do you think just punching her back to her senses would work?" I asked Nah out of the corner of my mouth.

"Not every problem can be solved by punching it," Nah groaned.

Severa opened her mouth, clearly about to try to kick us out again if the furrow in her brow was any indication, but she stopped when the front door opened. The front door the girls hadn't been able to budge.

"Mommy!"

The two girls and I turned with wide eyes as a young redhead girl came running into the house, directly for Severa. The girl wore her red hair in twintails the way Severa usually did, a simple white dress covering her. Our jaws dropped when Severa's face lit up, her scowl instantly becoming a smile as she scooped the girl up into her arms, laughing and hugging this miniature version of herself tightly to her chest.

"Where's your daddy?" Severa cooed to the girl.

"He's coming," the little girl giggled, smiling brightly. "He stopped to talk to the neighbors."

"Right, it's been a while, so you might not recognize them," Severa said, turning to face us. "But these are my old friends, Nah, Noire and Ben. You all remember my daughter, Caeldori, right? She looks just like her grandmother, doesn't she?"

"Is Nana coming, too!?" the little girl cheered.

"Maybe later, honey," Severa laughed, leaning in and rubbing her cheek against the girl's.

Watching Severa smile and cuddle the girl I felt my heart break at what I could feel coming on.

"Nah, please don't tell me…" I whispered.

"The girl's… the…" Nah muttered, eyes misting up.

"Risen?" Noire finished softly.

Nah nodded, wiping at her face with the back of her hand.

"She's totally given in to the illusion," Nah explained. "I don't think she could… face her fear. We need to make her…"

I sucked in a shuddering breath. Watching Severa so happy and carefree was breaking my heart. Now to save her I'd have to do the same to her.

"Nah I swear to whatever gods you worship that I will kill you if you're wrong about this. Hold her back."

Severa glanced up from the girl in her arms when Noire and Nah moved to opposite sides of her. A look of confusion soon became one of fear when they each grabbed a shoulder and I stepped forward, a grim look on all our faces.

"I'm sorry, Severa," I said softly. "But you'll thank us for this later."

"What are you… really, this is taking the joke too far!" Severa snarled.

The young woman's struggles increased as each other girl took hold of one of her arms, Severa holding the little girl close to her chest as she struggled against Nah and Noire. She gave a horrified scream as I none-too-gently pried the little girl out of her 'mother's' arms.

"No!" Severa shrieked, pale faced.

"This isn't real, Severa," I managed to say without my voice breaking.

"Mommy! No!" the girl shrieked.

The little girl pulled at my grip, struggling desperately to get back to a hysterical Severa as I drew my knife again.

"Don't you dare!" Severa snarled, almost pulling free of the others. "You bastard! You bastard, I trusted you! You were my friend! Why are you doing this to me!? No! Please! I can't be alone again! I won't! Why!? Why!?"

"That's right," the little girl said, turning back to face me with a now eerily calm voice. "Why?"

The little girl's eyes glowed as red as her hair, her skin taking on a distinctly ashen skein as I brought my dagger down, burying it in her throat.

But before the blow landed the Risen had to get one last barb in at Severa.

"Mommy, save me!"

Severa screamed one more time before collapsing to her knees and burying her face in her hands as she broke down, the illusion coming apart around us as the little girl turned into a familiar wisp of purple-black ashes. I made a sour face and spat to one side. Again, the fucking ashes stank like lime and coconut.

"Oh gods!" Severa bawled, ignoring Nah as the younger girl tried to console her. "No! No-no-no-no-no! This… can't be happening! No! My baby, no…"

As Severa screamed and cried we found ourselves in a relatively clean drawing room, or what had once been one. The remains of an old-style drawing table sat to one side, toppled and broken, and a few chairs under moldy white sheets were placed along one wall. A small staircase led to a mezzanine level above the room's single door, where there were rows of empty shelves. I felt my blood run cold and made a disgusted face as I spied the lonely, empty noose hanging down from the mezzanine. Clearly, we had been just in time for Severa.

The girl in question had returned to her usual appearance, hair tied up and back in her usual light armor, and was inconsolably crying on the floor. Nah was holding her, Noire standing over them with a stricken look on her face. She looked up as I approached, silent tears running down her face as Severa continued to bawl.

"We… did the right thing… right?" she asked quietly.

"It wasn't real," I said, my voice hollow.

"Severa, Severa it's okay," Nah soothed. "It wasn't real. I'm sorry we had to do that, but we did it to save you… Severa, please…"

"Shut up!" Severa screamed. "I hate you! You killed her! I couldn't… couldn't protect her! I'm… I'm… no better than my own mother!"

I rolled my eyes, something inside me breaking.

I stomped over to the redhead, ignoring Noire's questions and Nah's warning glance. Reaching down I dragged Severa to her feet with one hand around her arm. She barely had the chance to look at me with wide, teary eyes before I slapped her across the face.

"Snap out of it!" I snarled as I pushed her back.

Severa stumbled backwards and would have fallen if a surprised Noire hadn't caught her. The redhead blinked at me in shock before her features contorted in fury. She flew at me, landing a decent punch on my jaw that made my vision spin before grabbing my collar and hauling me nose to nose.

"You bastard!" she shrieked in my face. "Fuck you! Do you have any idea what you just put me through!?"

"Yes," I said honestly, my own eyes threatening to spill over. "We all do. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Fuck you!" Severa repeated, pushing me away.

She wrapped her arms around her chest, looking off at nothing as she finally quieted.

"It was so real," she said quietly. "So… I loved her. That… thing. Pretending to be my daughter. It felt so real, and to watch you take… take her away from me…"

"Please don't kill Noire as revenge," I groaned jokingly.

Severa's furious face filled my vision for a moment before I stumbled back, my nose broken.

"Don't you dare joke about this!" she roared. "It still feels real! I still feel like you… like you all… took her away!"

"Sev, we killed a Risen," Noire said, stepping in front of her. "We do that all the time! W-we know how they can mess with your head!"

"I know!" Severa snapped, looking away again.

"I know," she repeated softer. "And… thank you… for saving me… but I'll need some time to… come to terms with what happened."

"Join the club," I said, massaging my nose.

Severa scoffed, glancing up at the silent form of Nah standing nearby.

"Hi Nah," she said, smiling brokenly. "I'm glad you're okay."

Nah sniffled and nodded, wiping her tears away on my oversized sleeve as she stepped forward to give the other girl a proper hug.

I smiled a little at this display, but the expression hurt. With a quick breath in through my mouth I snapped my nose back into place, hissing in pain through gritted teeth afterwards. If I hadn't deserved that, I'd have been very angry. I decided not to waste a vulnerary on it, though. I'd save those for the potential future injuries I'd incur.

"Okay, we found Severa," I declared. "Robin and Lucina are still somewhere in this house. Severa, I know you need time to deal but we don't have it. We have to find the others."

Severa nodded, still refusing to look at me.

"Let's get to it," I sighed.

* * *

 **AN: I had initially intended to finish up this arc with this chapter but... damn I'm having fun with it. As hard as it is to write. I haven't had this much trouble since the middle of Invisible Ties, honestly. I don't like hurting my harem (that was a joke this is still not a harem story). Robin and Lucina next chapter. Look forward to it! After Future's End and Blazing Trinity update! Because there's a cycle! CYCLE!**

 **Don't forget you can get early access to these chapters by supporting me on (P)atreon! Link's on my bio page, check it out!**

 **Also, if you haven't already please vote on the path the Self Insert story takes. Make no mistake, they'll all get written eventually but only the winner will be the 'canon' route.**

 **Follow me on Twitter! - metalloverCAB**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter the Fourteenth, or "The Monster Mash"**

After finding Severa we had decided to simply exit through the front door of her little room, passing beneath the empty noose still ominously hanging above it. Just how close we had come to actually losing Severa still bothered me, but it was something to dwell on later.

Expecting to come out into more of the same blank, seemingly-endless hallways that Nah and I had spent so long creeping through, it was something of a surprise to step out into a regular-looking hall. Just as dark and decrepit as the rooms we had all been trapped in, but seemingly free of whatever bull-shit attractor-field the other halls had possessed.

We made a human chain, each person hanging onto the belt of the one in front of them as we slowly advanced. I led with my weak little fire spell, followed by Noire, bow in her free hand and arrow clasped between her teeth, who was still not drifting far from my side. Nah came next, clenching to Noire's belt with both hands, while a quiet and distant Severa brought up the rear.

We were all tired now. Severa's illusion or nightmare or whatever the fuck this house was doing to us had taken a toll, physically and emotionally.

That's the thing, though; people talk about 'the emotional toll' of something, and never describe it. Like they just expect everyone else to know what it feels like. I'll say it plain for you all. We were exhausted, strung out, and I was legitimately ready to just say 'fuck it', sit down and wait to die. That's the kind of emotional toll Severa's illusion had taken on us.

We were arrayed at the top of a small staircase, leading to what appeared to be some sort of storage space below. I'd already stuck my head down there and no familiar wave of vertigo from the house's illusions had hit me, so I wasn't about to suggest we head down into a dark, confined space. The landing itself was wide and surprisingly well lit, creating a diverging path that separated into three different corridors. Whoever had designed this place had either been evil, high as balls or an idiot. A mist of purple black Risen ash was still wafting around our ankles from where we'd had to clear a small group of them from the space.

Clearly, the house or whatever malign intelligence controlled it was getting nervous. Risen were hurling themselves at us now, and although we were tiring now, I was taking it as a good sign.

"Alright, let's take a break here," I sighed.

The landing was too open for the house to magic any walls, and we had a pretty clear view of all the connecting hallways.

The girls slowly disentangled themselves, spreading out and flexing tired fingers. Noire gave a tired sigh, running a hand through her hair much the same way I would run a hand over my bald head when I was tired. Severa held her off hand across her chest, half-hugging herself as she refused to look at any of us. Nah actually sunk to the ground, kneeling and closing her eyes to rest a little.

Me? I massaged my broken nose. The pain had given way to a dull throbbing, the swelling so bad I could actually see it in my peripheral vision. I was breathing through my mouth now, wary of putting any additional strain on my face, and my words were beginning to become oddly slurred.

Rolling my eyes and giving in to the inevitability of it, I pulled a vial out of my pocket as the others began to spread out.

And in doing so, turned my back on the small staircase that we had avoided.

Something crashed into me from behind, and I hit the ground with a gasp as all the air left my lungs, my head ringing with the impact as it smashed into the dirty hardwood. A familiar Risen mask loomed over me, the same as all the others as its protruding jaw worked up and down, foul-smelling saliva running down its chin to drip on my face as the creature bore down on me.

With a growl I brought my head up, a sharp crack rewarding my efforts as my forehead knocked out the Risen's front teeth. I momentarily blacked out as the thing reeled, my already ringing head simply shutting down for a moment. Which was all the Risen had needed to reassert its mount, climbing back over top of me with a guttural growl. I came to in time to push back on the thing's shoulders, its mouth making an almost comical chomping sound as it snarled and desperately reached for my face.

I could smell my own blood, running down from the split on my forehead from my ill-advised headbutt. Blackened blood from the Risen's mouth ran down its broken teeth, and with a sickened groan I resisted the urge to puke in its face as the blood and spittle fell down on my own.

This damn house was really making me want a shower.

The girls were shouting now, more Risen pouring out of the hallways and into the landing. With a roar and a surge of rapidly-dwindling strength I rose up, throwing the Risen off me and onto the floor. I lashed out, snapping its ankle with a good solid kick and then descending on the creature, my vision a haze of red as I wrapped my hands around its neck. I would kill this thing with my bare hands… work some of the aggression I was feeling, some of the fear and frustration out on it…

The Risen spat, a glob of bloody phlegm stinging my eyes and causing me to momentarily lose my grip. This was all the creature needed, surging up and forcing me back a few steps as I desperately tried to blink my vision clear. I fully expected to die then, but the killing blow never came. Instead I felt the familiar sensation of a cascade of ash falling around my shins, the rancid scent of lime and coconut assaulting me again.

I growled again, Noire approaching and handing me the vulnerary I'd dropped just as I managed to get some semblance of clarity back to my vision.

"You dropped this," she said.

"Haven't you got knives!?" Severa fumed. "What the hell was that!?"

I looked around now, more ashes added to the pile we'd made earlier. The girls were all looking at me with some measure of concern, in Severa's case it was tinged with irritation and hostility, which made me feel somewhat sheepish.

"Uh… yeah," I muttered lamely. "Kinda… lost it there for a sec."

"Keep it together, dad," Noire said in a low voice. "We… need you to keep it together."

"I got it," I said.

I opened my mouth to continue, but closed it and glared down at the dark little hole the Risen had crawled out of. I grabbed Noire with both hands on her shoulders and we shuffled a few steps away. Satisfied, I nodded.

"Okay, now I got it," I said with more confidence.

"Drink the vulnerary already and let's keep going before more of them show up," Severa growled impatiently.

I sighed, holding one finger up to tell them 'hold on' as I downed a third of the healing draught. I sighed with relief as my nose instantly felt better, and pocketed the remainder as I addressed the girls.

"The fact that there's more Risen now tells me we're on the right track," I told them. "Whatever's in charge is getting nervous about us wandering around here."

"You think the others are nearby?" Nah asked hopefully.

"Evidence says yes," I shrugged. "Let's keep moving."

"Where?" Noire asked, indicating the forking path.

I grinned. "Where did the most Risen come from?"

"Oh gods, he's going to get us killed," Severa groaned, running a hand down her face.

* * *

With a familiar blast of vertigo that made me want to void my already empty stomach we came out of the doorway into a darkened hall. The fact that I was hungry made me worried. If this house was only here one night a year, and I was hungry enough to deduce we'd already been wandering around in this haunted hellhole for a good four or five hours, that meant we were running short on time. Our one night a year was almost up, and I was really not in a hurry to find out what happened when we overstayed our welcome.

"So… where are we now?" Severa asked.

I glanced around, making a mental note to start keeping some jerky in my vulnerary pouch. Stone walls, well-worn stone floor. Unlit lanterns, of quite high quality, hung at regular intervals. With a small shrug I yanked one off the wall, the sudden screech of metal on stone making the girls jump.

"Sorry," I whispered, grinning as I lit the lantern with my weak magic. "Who's lovely nightmare is this, Bob?"

"It is so dumb that you keep calling her that," Severa muttered.

"Nah, it's not," I said, quirking a brow.

"What's not?" the diminutive manakete girl asked.

I quirked an eyebrow at the redhead, giving her a 'see?' look.

Severa let out a long-suffering groan. "Fine. Point taken."

"Thank you," I said, turning back to Nah. "So. Whose hell is this?"

Nah nodded, taking a few steps into the hallway and closing her eyes. She opened them after only a few seconds, turning back to us with a stricken look.

"Pretty obvious," Severa cut her off, inspecting the hall. "This is one of the Ylisstol Palace's servant corridors. I'd guess we're here for Lucina?"

"How can you tell?" I asked curiously.

"Because we all grew up here, duh," Severa said like she was speaking to an idiot.

"Okay, point," I conceded. "So. Lucina, right?"

"Yeah," Nah nodded, tears in her eyes. "And… I can feel her aura from here. It's distant, but… she's… really suffering."

We froze at this, all looking at Nah with wide eyes.

"You're sure?" I asked. "Are we talking physical or emotional?"

"I can't tell," Nah mumbled, looking down. "But does it make a difference?"

"We have to find her!" Noire said frantically. "We have to hurry, split up, cover more ground-"

"No," I said, rounding on her. "No. We will not rush. We will not cut corners. We will most certainly not separate. We keep on like we've been doing and avoid any more bad horror story tropes."

"Are you insane!?" Severa snarled. "This is Lucina! Our Exalt! We swore oaths of loyalty to her, for Naga's sake!"

"And she's our friend!" Noire added.

"She's my friend too," I reminded them. "But we can't go off half-cocked. That's what the house wants. We need to stop, take a moment, let cooler heads prevail. We can't let this place get to us."

"Yeah, you're a shining example of self-control," Severa said, her tone dripping sarcasm. "In all the years I've been fighting them I've never seen someone try to strangle a Risen with his bare hands."

"Don't make this personal," I snapped back, looking between Severa and Noire. "Either of you. Yes, I fucked up. I'm not going to do it again, and I care about you both too damn much to just let you throw your lives away like this!"

This brought them both up short, shocked at my admission.

"He's right," Nah spoke up suddenly. "We're no good to Lucina if we get separated and killed. We have a bigger job that this, remember? Save the world. We need to start by being careful about this."

"Thank you, voice of reason," I said with a small sigh.

"I thought you were calling me Bob," she said with a tired smirk.

"I call em as I see em," I shrugged. "Where's Lucina? Can you tell?"

"I… feel her above. But… away," Nah said, unhelpfully.

"Was there anywhere she spent a lot of time when you were all younger?" I asked the three of them.

"H-her… parents' room," Noire supplied, looking down. "And Exalt Chrom's study. After they died she… liked to spend a lot of time in th-those places… she didn't think we knew, but…"

"It's okay," I said gently. "We'll start there."

Severa stomped over, flipping one long twin-tail over her shoulder before scowling at me and roughly grabbing my belt. Surprisingly, Noire came up behind her and latched onto her belt as well, giving me a determined look.

"If we're doing this, let's go," Severa said.

I nodded, indicating that Nah fall in. With a return nod she grabbed onto Noire's belt, giving a small smile she clearly didn't feel.

"Now," I said with a small grin. "You all remember that the walls don't bug us in the illusions, right?"

The girls, as one, blushed and dropped their hands, Noire and Nah looking down while Severa glared at me. I chuckled a little, making sure everyone was close as we turned. And we began to march. Slowly, making sure we didn't miss anything, we passed through Ylisstol Palace.

Fortunately, the lantern I had 'appropriated' did a much better job than the weak spell I'd been employing. Even if it was part of the illusion it was still making our lives much easier. Which was honestly a little disheartening for me, because I thought I'd been doing a decent enough job.

The empty servant corridors we'd found ourselves in were dark and cold, a thin layer of dust over everything. Clearly they had been abandoned for some time. Chrom's servants always kept the corridors neat and utterly free of clutter; the head of the household staff, his chief maid, Laseta, always saw to that. So, when the small cone of light from my appropriated lantern revealed a discarded bucket, we all stopped dead in our tracks. It was just a discarded wooden bucket, not damaged or broken, covered in the same layer of dust as everything else.

But anyone who knew Ylisstol palace and knew how utterly insane Laseta was about keeping the place neat and orderly would be able to tell you that this bucket was out of place.

Suddenly, a very serious sense of wrongness filled the air.

Steeling myself, I began to move again, slower now, more cautiously. The girls bunched up, too, Noire practically breathing down my neck as Severa and Nah crowded her, too. It was odd how something so small could affect us so greatly, something so seemingly inconsequential. But one stupid bucket had dialed our already high tension-levels way up to eleven. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe; to keep breathing, taking deep, calming breaths. The air itself was musty, full of the dust that we'd been kicking up as we travelled, but it was still necessary.

What's worse, was after that bucket, the hallways were perfectly neat and orderly again for almost ten minutes as we travelled through the dark. No sounds, except our own footsteps and breathing. No other signs of life. Nothing.

And then we found the blood.

It wasn't much. A small splatter on the wall. We would have missed it if not for Noire's keen eyesight. She was an archer for a reason, after all. At about hip height was a small spray of blackened blood. Obviously old, judging from the undisturbed dust around it. Clearly arterial if my knowledge from watching true crime shows was accurate. Someone had died here, against this wall, and not recently.

None of us said anything, simply exchanging glances before I moved on again. The girls followed, Severa clearly chomping at the bit to hurry our search along. We were stressed, and this silence, this waiting for something to jump out at us, was just making things worse. I saw movement where there was none. Our shadows were making me jump. My hands were shaking, sweat running down my face despite the coolness of the hall. This was the blind, uniform halls of the mansion I had wandered with Nah all over again. We passed empty storage rooms, abandoned prep rooms, an empty barracks. Yet, nothing. It was like the staff just got up and went out for the day and… never came back.

It was almost a relief when we finally came to an exit to the main hall, the door shut tight. No marks in the dust to indicate that the passage had been used in recent memory. With a mounting sense of trepidation and fear I nodded to the girls. Noire nocked an arrow while Severa silently drew her sword, the sound like someone gently tearing paper in the empty hall. Nah stood back from us, clutching her dragonstone with both hands, nodding her readiness to me.

I nodded to each of the girls in turn, and threw the door open.

Or tried to, anyway. I furrowed my brow in confusion as the door opened about six inches before clattering into a pile of broken furniture, the entrance fairly well blocked from the other side.

"What the fuck?" I muttered to myself.

The girls exchanged glances as I tried to get a look around the door, clearly unsettled by this. I managed to squeeze my head through the crack just enough to see that this wasn't just a pile of crap, this was a barricade. Makeshift support legs were jammed into gaps in the stone floor of the main hall, cleverly wedging up into the grooves on the door. Even if I managed to break the supports, there was still a mighty pile of crap in the way for us to push through.

I sighed, angrily flipping the door open into the barricade. The loud bang of wood striking wood made the girls jump, Severa turning a withering glare on me. Normally, we wouldn't stand a chance of breaking through this door.

Fortunately, we had a dragon with us.

"Bob, if you'd be so kind," I said, indicating the door with my open palm.

"Wh-what?" the manakete stammered.

"Break it down," I said.

"Are we sure that's a good idea?" Severa asked. "Shouldn't we just find another way in?"

I shook my head. "Try to stick your head through the gap if you want. You'll see that all the other doors are just as heavily barricaded. You wanna try another door, be my guest; I, for one, am not dicking around here anymore. We are running out of time, and I don't want to see what happens if we don't make it out of here by dawn. Bob. The door, if you would."

Nah nodded, taking another few steps back and lowering her head. Severa clicked her tongue in annoyance and looked away. I shot her a glare of my own out of the corner of my eye, but she missed it. Probably for the best, anyway; now was not the time to rip into her for her insubordination.

By the time I'd managed to talk myself down from screaming at Severa, Nah had finished her transformation, a horse-sized dragon blinking at us where she'd been standing a moment ago. Her wings were pressed tightly to her body, and she'd twisted to fit into the hallway properly.

"Alright, stand back," she warned, licks of flame already escaping her toothed maw as she spoke.

The three of us humans took a good few steps away from the door, and with one deep breath Nah sent the door and the barricade crashing into the great hall. With another deep, long exhale she shrunk back down, the usual Nah looking up at us with a small grin.

"Atta girl," I nodded, stepping through the smoking hole where the door had been. "Coming, ladies?"

I stepped up over the last little bit of junk still embedded in the floor, a few pieces of still-smoldering timber jutting up from the flagstones, and emerged into the darkened great hall. I let out a low whistle, holding up the lantern to get a good look around.

The hall itself looked like a war had been fought in it. Gone were the elegant artworks and strong, victorious tapestries. Trophies that had lined the halls, taken from every nation, from every era, lay smashed on the stones or otherwise jammed into makeshift barricades. Beneath another layer of dust, long dried blood coated the once-plush carpet, matting it down and making it just as hard as the stone around it. Great gouges had been taken out of marble columns and even the stone floor. I knelt down, running my fingers along the edge of one of these gashes. Three more sat beside it, evenly spaced. This wasn't from a weapon; this was from some creature's giant claw.

"What… happened?" Severa asked softly, stepping into the hall.

"Even when we left the Palace, it didn't look this bad," Nah said.

Noire didn't say anything, just stepping in behind us and letting out a horrified gasp. We followed her gaze, and…

"Dear sweet Naga," Nah muttered aghast.

"Mother of fuck," I added, my own eyes widening.

There, on the dais at the end of the hall, the proud throne of Ylisse had ben utterly shattered and ground to splinters. Nothing remained of what I had once joked was 'a very fancy chair'. The throne was the symbol of the nation, almost as important as the crown. It was what all nobility vied for. No throne, no crown, no Exalt, no Ylisse; it was that simple. This wasn't just wanton destruction. This was an unmistakable message.

"This is a very bad thing," I said slowly. "If this is what Lucina's subconscious looks like…"

"We need to find her fast," Severa finished.

The other girls and I nodded, agreeing with the sentiment. I knew that, from here, we needed to take the door hidden behind the dais up to the royal apartments. It wasn't much further, but I wasn't about to rush things now; getting sloppy would just get us killed.

"Alright, Bob, are we getting warmer?" I asked.

Nah nodded, the three girls drifting closer now.

"We do this right, we do this smart," I told them. "No rushing off ahead, no going off alone. I don't care what you see, I don't care what you think you see, we move together. Understood."

Three nods.

"Good. I'll lead. Y'all follow, keep your eyes open. I don't want anything sneaking up on us," I finished.

I started moving again, with a purpose this time. I never bothered with the servant corridors; I always came in the front door. I assumed that Chrom's retainer would have that right. So, I wasn't as comfortable in the cramped servant halls, but this… I knew this route. Chrom's office/study was in the Royal Apartments. I knew very well where they were; I knew where I was going now.

I led the girls at a brisk walk, still taking care to keep our eyes open and checking every corner and open room. Nah was still crowding me, but Severa and Noire were hanging back a little, both girls paying as much attention as I was to our surroundings. We took the stairs up to the living spaces two at a time, shadows dancing in the frames of the pictures lining the wide old staircase as the lantern bobbed in my hand. I tried to ignore the crusted patches of blood in the carpets on the stairs. I know the girls couldn't, though.

We came out into the main foyer of Chrom's private rooms, and I took an instant left; his bedroom was this way. We'd start there.

It didn't take long to reach the Exalt's chambers, even checking every room along the way. Every other room we'd come across was locked. I'd debated kicking in the doors, but decided against it. We still didn't know what was waiting for us in here once we found Lucina, and I didn't want to stir up more trouble than we needed to.

As we stopped outside the door to the Exalt's chambers we all froze.

A familiar sound, just barely audible, came from behind us.

The same, familiar skittering of claws on a hard surface.

I spun, positioning the girls behind me as I held up the lantern to shine on the hallway, heart beating out of control in my chest, breath coming in light gasps.

At the end of the hall just outside of the cone of light from my lantern the nightmare creature I'd seen outside of the window after my own illusion crouched, smiling at us with its dagger sharp, rictus grin.

Nah let out a low moan as I slowly inched the girls back towards the door.

The thing at the end of the hall tilted its head a little, eyes hidden by lank strands of long black hair. Almost lazily it tapped long, knife-like claws against the stone floor, creating the clacking skitter that had plagued Nah and I for so long.

For one brief, shining moment I almost handed the lantern off to one of the girls so I could pull out my daggers. I could rush it, tackle it, kill it kicking and screaming. Like in Plegia. Like when I'd almost died. But this thing… that's what it wanted. I'd cheated death that day, and I had the distinct impression that it knew that, too. I couldn't see its eyes, but I felt like it was staring right at me. It wanted my blood. It wanted my soul.

Noire moved faster than any of us, her bow singing as an arrow flew through the air. The projectile bounced off the Risen-thing's shoulder, and it simply tilted its head the opposite direction.

"Aw fuck no," I declared.

Without taking my eyes off the creature I reached back and threw the door to the Exalt's chambers open, the girls practically falling into the room with me before I slammed the door closed again. For good measure I slid the heavy little sideboard in front of the door, leaning against the waist high table and giving a low sigh.

A sigh that turned into a yelp when something hit the door from outside.

I looked over my shoulder, eyes wide and face slack as the girls looked back at me with similar expressions.

"What was that thing?" Noire whispered.

I was about to answer that I had no idea, but the words died in my throat as the familiar clickity clack of its talons came from against the door.

My hand snapped out and pushed to locking bolt on the back of the door into place. Probably wouldn't hold it long, but the action sure as hell made me feel better. I took a few shaky steps back, trying to force myself to breathe properly.

I actually yelped when the thing threw itself against the door. Fortunately, Chrom's apartments had big, heavy doors.

I kept telling myself it would hold. It didn't help much.

"Anyone else feel like that thing was staring right at them?" Severa asked, her voice pinched.

I nodded vehemently.

"It didn't have any eyes," Nah whispered, her voice trembling. "No eyes… no sockets… just blackness… it didn't have any eyes…"

"Bob, focus," I said quickly, jumping as something pounded on the door again. "Is Lucina in here? Please say yes…"

I really didn't want to go through that thing to check Chrom's study…

Nah opened her mouth to speak, but screamed along with the rest of us instead as the thing outside crashed into the door, the tips of its claws piercing through the heavy wood.

"Oh for fucks sake!" I shouted. "Is Lucina in here or not!? Because I'm about to lose my shit and try to kill that thing!"

We all yelped and jumped again as something moved behind us, weapons coming up as we spun.

There, in the weak light from my appropriated lantern, stood Lucina.

"Jesus fuck, Luce!" I snarled, lowering my dagger. "Don't do that!"

She stood perfectly still, blinking at us as if she couldn't believe her eyes. As everyone relaxed a little, I realized that Lucina was as strung out as the rest of us; she was pale, and lines of tears ran from her eyes. She'd removed her tunic and light armor, standing before us in nothing but her leggings and a singlet. Her hair, usually so straight and perfect, was a disaster. Falchion, her most prized possession, was nowhere in sight.

"Lucina, is everything-" Severa started.

We spun back to the door as the creature smashed against it again, a large portion of the door splintering.

"Fuck! Grab that bookshelf!" I shouted.

We moved quickly, pushing the heavy bookshelf against the sideboard before shoving it back against the door. The shelf rattled as the creature outside crashed against the door again. I pushed back, holding the shelves in place with Nah beside me.

"Bob, is that Lucina?" I asked. "The real one?"

Nah nodded, looking between me and the shell-shocked princess.

"Girls, hold this door closed, don't let that thing in," I said.

I stepped away from the shelf, Noire and Severa taking my place.

"Whatever you're planning, m-make it quick!" Noire squeaked.

"And no stabbing this time," Severa added bleakly.

I scoffed a little as I turned away and set the lantern down on the ground, quietly relieved. If she was already making jokes about what had happened back in her own illusion world then Severa would probably be alright. If we could get out of here alive.

Dashing back over to Lucina, I tried to ignore the pounding against the door, the cracking of splintering wood. I agreed with Noire; whatever I was going to do had to be fast. But I had no idea what would shock Lucina out of this nightmare.

The blue-haired princess in question hadn't moved, staring with wide, disbelieving eyes as I moved back to her. She didn't say a word, frozen in shock. Whatever had been going on had hurt her. Badly. Once I was closer, I could see shallow cuts crisscrossing her exposed flesh. All of it. From her face to the gaps in her ruined leggings. It looked like she had been fighting that thing out there since we got separated.

"Luce, what's happened?" I asked, stepping closer. "Talk to me."

"You're dead," she whispered.

"No, and not for this hell's lack of trying," I smirked.

Lucina shook her head, taking a step back.

"I watched you die," she whispered, her voice trembling. "All of you. One after another. M-my mother… my father… my friends… my… you… all dead… and I h-had to watch… again…"

"Hey, hey," I shushed her.

I stepped in close, pulling her against me with one hand as I cupped her cheek with the other.

"No one's dead," I told her. "This is an illusion. It's not real. You haven't failed yet."

Fresh tears started to fall from her eyes as she looked up at me. Her tortured expression broke my heart. Finally, she broke, burying her head in my shoulder as she was wracked by sobs.

"They made… me watch… as they… they… killed me," she cried. "Th-that… poor little… little girl… she… she… oh gods!"

I didn't say anything, simply holding her as she cried. And what could I say? I was so strung out from everything else we'd been through that I could barely even comprehend what she was saying. But being made to think she'd failed again? That would easily be her worst fear. It fit. So, the point remained… how did I make her realize she hadn't failed yet? How did I make her realize we were all still alive?

Severa and Noire let out a desperate shout, the bookshelf holding the door closed rocking dangerously before smashing back into place against the brutalized timber.

"Ben! Hurry!" Nah cried.

I glanced over my shoulder, on the spot and mind totally blank. I pulled back a little as I looked down at Lucina, the princess giving a weak hiccup as she looked around me.

"We're all still alive," I told her, my voice low. "We're all still fighting. We need you."

"I c-can't," Lucina sobbed, looking down. "I'll just get everyone killed again! For nothing!"

"Not for nothing!" I shouted, pushing her back and keeping my hands on her shoulders.

Lucina looked up at me with wide, shocked eyes. Even the girls across the room looked surprised, but I tuned them out.

"None of this has been for nothing!" I shouted in Lucina's face. "All of this would have been pointless without you! No one will listen to me! They'll listen to you! We need you! The world needs you!"

"I never asked for that burden!" Lucina screamed, batting my hands away.

"Tough shit, Princess!" I shouted back.

"I got you all killed!" she shrieked.

"We're not dead!" I snapped. "None of us are! Not you, not the girls and most certainly not me!"

Severa, Noire and Nah let out panicked shouts as the bookshelf started coming apart, the creature outside attacking with renewed vigor, one long, thin claw emerging from the wood mere inches from Severa's face.

It was scared. My plan was working. Lucina was coming around.

I needed one big push, one last little thing to push Lucina over the edge and convince her no one was dead…

A light came on in my head.

She needed a shock? No problem.

Lucina looked up at me as I stepped closer again, her fingers clasped at her breast and streaks of tears shining in the lantern light mixing with the slowly running blood from the small cuts on her face.

"Let me show you we're still alive," I said.

Lucina made a little surprised squeak as I leaned down and kissed her, the three girls at the door giving shocked shouts of their own. Lucina needed a shock? What better shock than a passionate kiss from her best frenemy?

And I held absolutely nothing back. If this didn't shock her then nothing would.

Her jaw must have dropped in shock, something I took full advantage of as I pulled her close, exploring her mouth with my tongue. The princess practically melted against me, arms automatically wrapping around my neck as she leaned into the kiss. There was no subtlety, no romance, no feeling, just lust and pain and comfort. The kind of kiss that would have, under normal circumstances, led to a night of insane sex that would leave us both ashamed of ourselves in the morning. Lucina gave a small mewling groan as one of my hands travelled lower down her back, pushing her stomach closer to me and halting just shy of the top of her ass. We were both gasping heavily now through our noses, tongues still intertwined as Lucina desperately tried to keep pace-

A particularly loud crash from the door pulled me back to reality, Noire giving a pained shout as the thing outside managed to get an arm through the bookshelf. It had raked its claws across the back of her shoulder, swiping blind, and Severa had jammed her little buckler over the gap.

When I finally looked back to Lucina her face was just as flushed as mine no doubt was, and she flashed me a small smile.

"Wow," she breathed. "I always wondered what it would be like… too bad it took dying to happen-"

"Guys, it didn't work!" I shouted over my shoulder, cutting her off.

"Of course it didn't work!" Noire shrieked, her voice shrill.

"Try something else!" Severa snarled. "Something more appropriate!"

"It has to be a shock!" Nah added.

"I know it has to be a shock!" I shouted back.

I looked back down at Lucina, wincing at the sound of splintering wood behind me. She looked up at me with a blush coloring her face, an amorous smile touching her lips as…

A thought occurred. With an internal shrug I decided I had nothing to lose.

"Lucina, you're my friend and you know I love you, right?" I asked quickly.

"I… yes… but-" was as far as she got.

Without warning my head came smashing down on her nose, shattering it with a sharp crack and a burst of blood. Before she could react, I brought my knee up into her crotch. As Lucina reeled, for good measure, I brought my fist down on her left breast as well. Hard. With the kind of anguished shout that I'd only heard from men with shattered testicles Lucina fell, the illusion blinking out around us.

"There! Someone kill that fucking thing!" I shouted, turning.

Nah was way ahead of me, already transforming. She swiped the ruined bookshelf aside with one foreclaw, filling the hall outside the door with a gout of dragonfire. The creature gave a keening wail, Noire and Severa backing away from the door with weapons raised.

Lucina writhed on the floor at my feet, coughing blood from her ruined nose and curling into a fetal position.

"Fucking… hate… you…" she managed to gasp.

And then promptly threw up on the carpet.

"Sorry, Luce," I laughed. "You'll thank me later. Uh… try to roll to your left."

"Kill… you…" Lucina gurgled, fresh tears of pain leaking from her eyes.

"You'll be fine, walk it off," I said, mock-dismissively.

I felt a little bad, but, in the end, it had worked out, so… it was a win? I was calling it a win.

I gently placed a full vulnerary down on the ground next to Lucina before turning away, sauntering over to the door where the other three were waiting.

"Go get her cleaned up, I got the door," I said, indicating with a thumb over my shoulder at the curled-up princess.

"For the love of Naga, is she bleeding!?" Severa shouted, running to Lucina's side.

"It worked, didn't it?" I called after her.

Lucina coughed and groaned, giving me a sideways glare from the floor. Nah followed after Severa, but Noire lingered at my side as I poked my head out of the ruined door. A large scorch mark decorated the opposite wall now, a small drift of ashes on the burned floor signaling the demise of the creature that had stalked us for so long. I felt a brief moment of satisfaction at the thought, cut short as Noire's sweaty fingers grasped at my hand. I squeezed her hand reassuringly as I turned, grinning a little.

"You okay?" I asked her.

Noire just nodded, looking at the floor.

"We'll be alright," I promised her. "Just one more and we can get out."

"I know," Noire said, smiling a little without looking up. "I… we… couldn't do this without you, dad."

"Hey," I laughed, bumping her shoulder with my own. "No setting death flags, missy. We're all getting out of here."

Noire gave a small, tired laugh. "I know."

Hand in hand, Noire and I approached where Severa and Nah were sitting Lucina up. The Princess gave a small shout as Severa set her broken nose, and I winced guiltily. She was quick to drink the vulnerary, still holding the breast I'd punched with her right hand as she glared daggers at me.

I looked around, not in a hurry to meet her gaze. We were in another bedroom. Judging from the size of the four-post bed and the quality of the ruined furniture this would have once been the master bedroom. There were no piles of detritus like in the previous rooms we'd found, and Lucina's tunic and gear, along with Falchion, lay neatly folded in a pile on the floor at the end of the bed. Aside from that, everything else was as we'd already seen. Except for the small dagger Lucina usually kept hidden beneath her pouch, sitting bloody on the floor near the pile, from where Lucina had approached us from when we'd come in. I turned quickly, managing to get a glimpse of the Princess' back. There were no wounds, not like the ones on her front still sluggishly closing as the vulnerary worked. Those cuts had been self-inflicted.

Once again, it appeared we'd arrived just in time. The thought hit me like a flying brick.

The lantern I'd torn off the wall was still sitting where I'd set it down, casting long shadows across the room. I bent down to grab it, bringing the light over to the others as Noire held onto my hand like a drowning woman. I decided not to mention anything about my deduction now, but Lucina and I would be discussing this at length later.

With a groan Lucina lurched to her feet, her eyes like ice as she stomped over to snatch up her discarded tunic. She spun, pulling it on over her clothes and frowned at me.

"We will be discussing this later," she warned. "For now, thank you for saving me. What's our plan?"

"Did I ever mention I'm grateful you're so professional about everything?" I asked her with a grin.

Lucina just glared at me, tugging her belts into place.

"What. Is. Our. Plan?" she repeated, eyes narrowing.

I cleared my throat, unconsciously positioning myself behind Noire a little.

"Find Robin, get the hell out and burn this place to the ground," I said.

Lucina nodded, tugging on Falchion's strap to make sure the sword was secure.

"Then what are we waiting for?" she asked.

* * *

We edged slowly down the grand staircase in the center of the house's foyer, the ground floor and entrance parlor arrayed before us. The front doors stood open, a tantalizing glimpse of freedom beyond almost overwhelming me.

We were so close, so damned close to escape…

And yet, without Robin we were still so, so far.

"Okay, girls," I said, pausing halfway down the stairs. "There's the exit. Anyone wants out, now's the time. I can keep going alone. I won't hold it against you. We've already seen enough shit tonight."

"Shut up and keep going," Severa growled. "We're all in this for the long haul."

"She's right," Lucina added. "After… everything that's happened, I could not live with myself if I abandoned Robin to this place."

"Alright, but remember, I gave you an out," I shrugged.

We had covered the entire top floor. No Robin. When we'd passed by the trophy room that Nah and I had found earlier, I'd decided to call it and just move on to the ground floor. We had already passed the stairs twice by then. The rest of the second floor was abandoned. During our search we didn't find any of the blank, bare corridors Nah and I had travelled through. I wasn't sure if that thought made me feel better or worse. We also hadn't seen any more Risen, something that definitely made me nervous.

We assembled down on the ground floor inside the dark foyer, looking around cautiously. Nothing. A boarded-up doorway and wall to the left of the stairs. A single lonely door to the right. Nothing around the back of the stairs. And the exit in front of us.

"I guess we'll try door number two before I start breaking down walls again?" I suggested.

"Lead the way," Lucina nodded.

As curious as I was about what was behind the boarded-up wall, I figured since we were all exhausted the best place to start would be with the path of least resistance.

I held the lantern high as we advanced, Falchion and Severa's sword both glinting in the lantern's weak light, Noire with an arrow nocked. As tired as we were, we weren't going in unprepared. The knowledge that we were so close now, so close to our escape, filled everyone with a renewed sense of purpose.

With this in mind I jogged ahead a little bit, planning on opening the door for the girls so that I could light the way for them. Just to be safe, as I reached the door I slid one of my knives into my hand, its grip cold and reassuring in my sweaty palm. I glanced back at the girls, making sure they were following across the foyer, and turned to open the door.

And just as my fingertips brushed the handle Noire screamed.

I spun, and suddenly there was an explosion of movement around us. Arms breaking through floorboards, Risen crawling down walls and along the ceiling, pounding coming from the boarded up wall across from us, more of the creatures coming down the stairs…

And the girls were still in the middle of the foyer.

"Get out!" I screamed desperately.

They looked up at me in terror and confusion, but only when Lucina looked over her shoulder did she understand. There were only a few Risen between them and the door. The girls could escape now, before they were surrounded. A few of the Risen seemed to realize this, too, and began skirting the edge of the group, trying to get behind them.

"Go! Get the fuck out!" I shouted again.

As I yelled I lashed out with my flaming hand, driving a few of the Risen back a little. For good measure I stabbed down at one of the creatures crawling near my knees now, the Risen dissipating in a cloud of purple ash. The girls hadn't moved, instead holding position with their backs to the door. Noire was already shooting arrows, and Lucina and Severa were desperately stabbing at the Risen horde.

"What are you waiting for!?" I snarled. "Go!"

"No!" Noire shrieked, tears running down her eyes and lip quivering even as she continued to shoot. "Not again! Never again! I won't leave you!"

I let out a pained shout as one of the Risen dug its claws into my thigh. I repaid it by burying my knife in its skull, just at the base of the neck. It exploded in a cloud of ash, and I couldn't help but get a whiff of the lime and coconut stink. I hobbled back a few steps, my back to the wall now as I continued to swipe at the Risen. They were filling the foyer now, and soon the girls would be cut off.

"You have a job to do!" I shouted, my voice pinched now with pain. "Lucina! Don't forget what you're here to do! I'll get Robin, don't come back for us!"

"Shut up! We're not leaving you!" the princess shouted.

"Fucking go!" I begged.

Our eyes met across the melee, Lucina's orbs wide and wild with fear and adrenaline. I probably didn't look much better, but I did my best to smirk as I nodded at her. In that moment understanding passed between us, and Lucina nodded back, her face taking on a grim expression.

"Retreat!" Lucina called. "Outside! Get out of the-"

"No!" Noire screamed.

The wiry archer tried to push past Lucina and Severa, both other women grabbing her and pulling her back. She was hysterical, kicking and flailing around as she tried to come back for me. Nah already had the door open, and the two swordswomen dragged Noire kicking and screaming back outside.

"No! I won't leave him again! Dad! No! Daddy! Please! Don't leave me again!"

"I love you, Noire," I called, just as they dragged her over the threshold.

I closed my eyes for the briefest moment as I tried to ignore Noire's pleas. It was made easier when the heavy front door slammed closed behind them, and a new type of fear settled into the pit of my stomach as my eyes snapped back open. The type of fear tinged with understanding.

This was the house's play. It wanted me alone. I'd just done exactly what I'd sworn I wouldn't. I'd acted emotionally, let my feelings get in the way of my rationality, and now…

"Fuck you!" I shouted at the encroaching Risen, flecks of spittle flying from my lips.

I lurched to my feet, ignoring the blood running down my wounded leg.

Panic began to set in. I was alone. There was a horde of Risen bearing down on me, and I was down to one working leg. I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. For the first time since I'd woken up, I was alone again.

" _Ben…"_

"No," I pleaded, tears and snot running down my face now. "No, please, not again…"

My ex-girlfriend appeared at the top of the stairs, wearing that blue satin nightgown and ignoring the Risen around her as she lay one dainty little hand on the bannister.

"No!" I shrieked, holding my knife up in front of me.

I was so distracted that I forgot the fire spell, and the small flame in my left palm went out, plunging me into darkness.

" _Die with us… die with me… stay with me… forever…"_

"Fuck you!" I screamed again.

I flailed around in the dark, looking for something, anything. Looking for a Risen to kill me before she did, before she could have the satisfaction…

The back of my hand struck something hard, something metal. A doorknob. I remembered I'd been standing next to the door in the foyer, and with a savage laugh I twisted and flung the door open, rushing inside.

* * *

My breath came out in ragged gasps, my heart beating so fast my chest hurt. I was pretty sure that I had long surpassed panic and simply reverted to an animalistic flight instinct, and after what felt like hours running around blindly in the dark my sanity finally began to return.

Before I did anything else I stopped, stood perfectly still, and forced myself to take ten deep breaths.

The air was dry and stale, but there was no dust. It made the breathing easier. I could feel the twinge of asthma in my chest, but the bleeding in my leg was more pressing a concern. I reached into my pouch, finding my stock of vulneraries distressingly low. Three vials were all that remained, and it would probably take a whole one to patch up my leg. Deciding there was nothing for it and that I needed to be able to move if I had to, I uncorked the vial and upended it, feeling the healing magic knit my thigh back together even as the tightness in my chest receded.

I decided that I had myself partially under control, at least enough to cast the simple fire spell.

I had been running, as I'd said, in the dark; occasionally my shoulders would bounce off something hard, but nothing had jumped out at me, and I hadn't tripped over anything. Hopefully, I was somewhere safe for now.

Holding out my hand, I concentrated and a small, weak flame flickered to life in my palm. The spell was far more difficult than before, my concentration shot now that I was so damn tired. Everything hurt. My limbs. My skin. My bones. My heart. I hadn't been this close to breaking point in a very long time, not since-

Viciously shaking my head, I banished that thought and looked around. I was in another illusion now, that much was easy to discern. Which meant that either I was in another designed for me, or I'd been lucky enough to stumble onto Robin's.

Judging from the fact I was apparently now standing in a dark and endless library, I was willing to say I was in Robin's tailor-made hell.

Massive shelves filled to bursting with old books surrounded me, making me glad I wasn't the claustrophobic type. I looked up, holding my hand up and willing the magic fire to expand to give me a look around. The small light I was producing didn't even reach the top of the shelves, let alone the ceiling. I couldn't see an end to the shelves in either direction, either, my little light just too weak.

A new wave of crushing loneliness filled me. Here I was, utterly lost and alone god only knew where. I didn't even have Nah here to keep me grounded. But Robin was still out there somewhere, just as alone and just as lost, probably just as frightened and hurting as I was. I took another breath of the dry, stagnant air and tried to desperately force my breathing to slow. Turning back and forth to look down the row of shelves I felt a shudder run up my spine. They just seemed to go on and on…

I took another deep breath and approached one of the shelves, tentatively reaching out with my non-flaming hand to pull one of the old books out. There was no dust when I removed the book, and I balanced it on the ledge of the shelf as I flipped it open to a random page.

It was blank.

I furrowed my brow, flipping through a few more pages before placing the book down on the ground and grabbing another. The pages in this one were blank, too.

Another foreboding sense of wrongness crept up my spine as I backed away from the shelf, standing in the center of the aisle.

I didn't doubt that, even if I took the time to look at all of these books, I'd never find a single word written in them. It was just a feeling I got from the place, and I really didn't have the time to test that theory. Robin and I were running out of time as it was.

Choosing a direction at random I started off, walking at a brisk pace with my flaming hand held high.

I needed to find Robin, but I wasn't willing to risk tripping over a Risen or a loose stone or something. My magical flame was so weak I could barely see, and as much as I wanted to simply continue sprinting through the aisle between the shelves I cautioned myself that dying alone in the dark wouldn't do anyone any good.

I continued like this for a time. How long, I wasn't sure. I was sure, though, that I was subconsciously moving faster and faster, until I'd broken a decent sweat and begun to pant again.

My mouth was dry and my tongue kept sticking to the roof of my mouth. I was dehydrating, and the fact all I'd had to drink all night were the vulneraries was making it worse.

But time was ticking.

At last I slowed, coming to the end of the giant stacks of shelves into another aisle running across the shelves. I cautiously stepped out, using it as a chance to catch my breath. Once more my light barely made a dent in the darkness, and I couldn't make out much down the rows of shelves. I couldn't make out much of anything, actually. Just the ends of the shelves and more rows of empty books. Just to be sure I walked three shelves away from my starting row and grabbed the closest book, flipping it open to a random page like I had the others. Empty, blank pages stared up at me. With a sigh I left the book sitting on the edge of the shelf, thinking at the least I could use it as a marker if I got lost. Or if I got any more lost.

I slowly made my way into the center of the middle aisle, looking both ways and seeing nothing but more shelves. Every second I lingered was like a needle in my brain, the sweat on my back having turned cold with fear.

Deciding to chance attracting whatever negative attention this place could throw at me, I cupped my empty hand to my mouth.

"Robin!?" I called into the darkness. "Hello!? Can you hear me!?"

My voice echoed back at me for a few moments, yet aside from that there was no response.

Once more the crushing anxiety I felt at being so utterly alone and detached from everything hit me. I ran my empty hand over the top of my head, feeling the skin slick with sweat and grime.

Without even a conscious thought I started jogging in a random direction down the central aisle, slow enough to look back and forth down each row as I passed it. My light didn't reach far, but this was at least a little more constructive than only checking them one at a time.

I didn't think about not finding Robin. I didn't think about not getting out of this house in time. I didn't think about the persistent whispering in the back of my head that I'd already died, and this was hell. I just ran.

I began panting again almost immediately, and as hard as I tried to focus I began to get tunnel vision. I had to slow down after only a few more moments of running, gasping for breath as I doubled over and rested my free hand on my knee. My spell hand hung limply, the flame above it barely a flicker.

"Robin!" I screamed desperately, not even bothering to look up. "Robin! Where are you!?"

The only answer came in the form of my echo bouncing back at me.

I fell to my knees, despair beginning to claw at my heart.

"Dammit, Robin," I whispered, my breath hitching in my throat. "Where the fuck are you? I'm scared, and I'm tired of being alone…"

The spell in my hand finally winked out, leaving me alone in darkness as I knelt there on my hands and knees.

I don't know how long I stayed like that. The dull ache in my knees went utterly ignored as I simply let despair consume me. It was hopeless. This place was gigantic. I was exhausted. It was almost dawn. I couldn't do this alone.

"Robin, c'mon…" I groaned.

I let my head droop low until my forehead came to a rest on the cool stone floor.

Then, as it so often did, despair gave way to anger.

Which gave way to rage.

With a wordless roar I reared up and smashed my fist down, knuckles first, into the ground. I felt the bones in my hand shatter from the strength of the blow and gave another shout. Still snarling, I lurched to my feet and reignited the weak fire spell above my broken hand.

I didn't even think to use a vulnerary on it. The pain reminded me I was alive.

"I will not die here!" I shouted into the darkness. "You will not beat me! I don't care what it takes, how long it takes, if I have to die doing it, I will defy you!"

My voice echoed back at me as I stomped forward again at a brisk walk, head swiveling back and forth as I checked the aisles.

I needed to find Robin first. Then I could shock her out of this illusion, and we could go home. I'd look as long as I had to. But in the dark it would take a while to…

I came slowly to a stop, an idea forming in time with the predatory smirk rising to my face as I glanced at my burning hand.

I needed more light.

I was surrounded by dry old books.

"You should not have fucked with me."

I chuckled to myself, raising my hand to the nearest shelves. The books near the fire spell caught light almost instantly, a small 'fwomp' followed by a louder, longer 'fwoosh' as the flames lit up the shelf and the library was revealed to me.

I could see the ceiling now, a domed stone affair twenty feet above me. The shelves, too, rose to the ceiling.

I turned, backing away from the burning shelves as the fire rapidly spread, my grin only widening as I looked up and down the central aisle. Hardly endless, but definitely long; maybe a kilometer, maybe more.

And there, at the end, was an empty space with a desk. A figure was hunched at the desk, seemingly oblivious to the flames.

I set off at a sprint for the desk and the mystery figure, hoping beyond hope it was Robin and she wouldn't be burned alive in the fire.

Yeah, in hindsight, not my brightest idea.

As I got closer certain details about the hunched figure began to become clear to my tired eyes. A figure hunched over a low reading desk, huge mounds of books piled all around. White hair, a familiar coat…

"Robin!" I shouted in relief.

She didn't stir, simply continuing to study whatever held her attention so raptly. I crossed the space in record time, ignoring the pain in my chest, the burning in my lungs, the flames at my back.

I'd found her. I'd finally found her.

"Robin!" I tried again, my breath coming in gasps as I slowed and stopped before her. "We… we have to… get out of here…"

When she didn't answer after a few moments I finally glanced up. Smoke was beginning to gather above us, and the temperature in the room was rising.

"Robin?" I asked again.

I crept a little closer, bending and trying to get a look at her face. Partially obscured by her long white hair, I almost missed the wide, thousand-yard-stare in her eyes as she mechanically flipped through the empty books.

"Robin?" I tried a little louder.

She flinched a little, but otherwise didn't respond.

I jumped as the first shelf I'd set fire to collapsed behind me, the flames spreading faster now.

"Robin, I kinda set this place on fire and we need to go," I warned her.

Still she didn't move, except to turn the pages of the book she was reading.

I approached the small wooden desk, gripping both sides and leaning forward to bring my face down near hers.

"Robin? Are you alright?" I asked softly.

She flinched again, but her hands froze this time.

"Are… you talking to me?" she asked.

Up close I could see she was filthy, covered in dirt and dust. Her hair was out of place, only one pigtail still tied up, the other hanging loosely in matted strands around the side of her face.

"Robin, we need to leave," I said urgently.

"Is that my name?" she asked breathily.

"What are you talking about!? Come on!"

She shook her head a little, the most movement I'd seen from her since I'd found her.

"I can't," she whispered.

"Why the fuck not!?" I half-shouted.

"Because I can't remember!" Robin shrieked, her sudden scream forcing me a step back.

The tactician's shoulders rose and fell as she panted, as if just screaming had exhausted her. With shaking hands, she began to flip through the blank pages of the book before her again. She reached the end, carefully setting it aside and reaching for another before beginning to repeat the process.

I approached the desk again, painfully aware of how little time we had left.

"Robin, what don't you remember?" I tried more gently.

Her hands froze again, before starting to shake.

"Everything," she said, her voice hitching in a sob. "My name. My family. My life. I don't remember… anything."

"Robin…" I said, reaching out a hand for her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed.

She didn't move back from me, but I was beginning to think she couldn't move. I leaned forward, finding her usual cream shirt stained with blood.

"As long as… I don't move… they leave me alone…" she whispered brokenly. "So… I keep looking…"

"Through these books?" I asked.

She nodded a little, beginning to flip through the pages again.

"For what?" I persisted.

"For… my memories," she muttered quietly.

A thought occurred to me, and I shot up straight.

"Robin… what leaves you alone?" I asked, dreading the answer.

She didn't respond, and I slowly looked over my shoulder. Nothing but burning library. Shifting myself side-on so I could watch the library and talk to Robin, I knelt down next to her desk.

"Hey," I said as gently as I could.

She glanced up at me, hands halting again as she looked at me out of the corner of bloodshot eyes.

"You want a hand?" I asked, smiling reassuringly.

Robin stopped for a moment before shaking her head. I glanced over at the spreading fire, feeling sweat beginning to spread on the singlet I wore from the heat. I wondered how close to dawn it was. Then I looked back at Robin, robotically flipping through the book before her, and decided that it didn't matter.

"Then how about I tell you about yourself?" I offered. "It may help."

"You know me?" she asked in a small voice.

"I do," I smiled. "You're my best friend."

She went quiet as her hands continued to work, and, just when I began to think she'd forgotten I was there, she whispered.

"Tell me."

"Well," I began softly. "You're the best damn mage in Ylisse. You're also the smartest person I know. Much smarter than me. Your sense of timing is utterly perfect; you always seem to know when to enter to make a fool out of me. You like to smoke."

"I do?" Robin made a face, her hands slowing a little.

"Surprisingly, yes," I smirked tiredly. "I may have been a bad influence in that regard. We usually smoke together, but my maid made me promise to cut back a little. So, I usually just keep you company while you smoke these days."

Her hands finally stopped, but she didn't look up.

"What else…" I muttered, lost in my own reminiscing. "Your favorite food is the little tea cakes that my maid makes. Your favorite drink is secretly wine made from white grapes, but you don't want our other friends finding out about that. You love your coat more than your life. You're afraid of clowns. You like dogs, but hate cats."

"Wow. You really do know me," Robin breathed.

"Of course I do. You're my best friend," I said.

I reached out slowly this time, and when Robin didn't scream or shrink back I gently wrapped my arm around her. She leaned into the awkward side-hug, stifling a sob as she closed her eyes.

"I hate it here," she whispered brokenly.

"So let's go," I said.

"You don't understand," she whimpered. "I can't remember how to leave. I can't remember… where to… what… I can't… remember…"

I shushed her, stroking her filthy hair as I rested my cheek against the top of her head.

"I do," I whispered to her. "Even if you don't remember, I still do. You're still Robin. You're still my friend. Memories or no memories, that'll never change."

She sniffled again, shaking hands coming up the grip the hand of the arm holding her.

"You r-really mean that?" she asked.

"I do," I said, my own voice thick now, too.

She finally looked up at me, her teary gaze narrowing slightly.

"Have you… been crying?" she asked.

"Been a long night," I smirked. "Ready to leave yet?"

Robin shook her head. "I can't…" she muttered.

"Why the hell not?" I asked, pulling back.

Robin looked at me, shame coloring her cheeks as she pulled the side of her coat back.

A long, pulsating thing was attached to her side, like a giant leech. The blood on her shirt spread out from this thing, and as I gaped at it the thing seemed to writhe in ecstasy at my horror.

"If… if I stay still… it doesn't… hurt…" she muttered. "It got me… as soon as… I came into the library…"

I nodded, glancing over my shoulder at the encroaching flames, then back to Robin.

A new rage blossomed in my chest, wrathful anger at the thought of anything hurting my friend.

Without putting any thought into it I brought my still-burning, broken hand down and slapped at the thing. Robin shrieked in pain, and the illusion blinked out around us, but the Risen-leech had a much more visceral reaction.

Suddenly we were kneeling in a much smaller library, rotting stacks and moldy paper quickly catching aflame as the fire I'd started continued to spread. A masked Risen reared up beside us, Robin and I both recoiling as the tactician's still-warm blood dripped from its bare maw.

I fumbled for my knife, but before I could even get close to pulling it out Robin made an expression I'd never seen on her before, the tactician's pretty face contorting in fury. With a flick of her wrist the Risen went flying backwards, afterimages of the lightning spell she'd backhanded the thing with still burning my retinas as I began to drag her away.

I spotted a window, dark glass obscured by the spreading smoke. I could hardly breathe now, and Robin coughed violently as we moved. It appeared whatever that Risen had done to her had hurt her legs, as she tried and failed to get them beneath her while I was dragging.

"Leave… me…" she choked.

"Fuck off," I snapped back.

Robin coughed a weak sounding laugh, throwing a few more spells at the Risen in the room with us to keep it off balance while I dragged us the rest of the way to the window. I pulled us both up using the windowsill, momentarily releasing Robin as I brought back my fist to shatter the glass.

I froze, the same needle-toothed, eyeless face that had been stalking me all night smiling from outside the glass.

"Fuck! Off!" I snarled, punching the window into a million shards.

I turned away to hide my face from the shattered glass, and when I turned back the smiling face was gone. Cool, damp air flooded into the space as smoke escaped, and I could hear the girls shouting from outside.

"Okay, Robin, time to go," I said, using the last of my strength to hoist her up to the sill.

"Thank you… for coming back for me," she murmured.

I glanced back into the room, seeing a new drift of ashes where Robin had annihilated the Risen. With a smirk I pushed her through the window, hoping the last of the glass didn't cut her up. Then I climbed through after her.

As I collapsed to the dewy grass next to Robin and looked up at the grey dawn sky above us I couldn't help but laugh. I probably sounded hysterical to the girls racing around the corner to us, but it didn't matter. The injured tactician chuckled a few times as well, holding her side as she slowly rose up to look at the girls. With a grunt she half-fell, half rolled onto her back, lying next to me.

"You came back for me," she stated.

"What?" I asked, still grinning manically.

"The others got out," Robin said, grinning. "But you came for me. You… came to get me."

"They would have too, but we got separated," I shrugged.

I winced as I shrugged. Everything hurt like a bitch right then.

"I remember," Robin muttered, a touch deliriously. "I remember because of you. You came for me. I knew you would."

With the last of her strength Robin rolled again, falling on top of me in an awkward, injured hug that I'm pretty sure hurt us both. The tactician laughed, tears running down her face as she hugged me.

"Thank you," she whispered as the others arrived.

Right then, I could even ignore the acrid stench of burning coconuts and lime.

* * *

"I feel like I should say something," I said, quirking my head a little.

"Like what?" Nah asked.

"I dunno… ashes to ashes, dust to dust?" I shrugged.

"I don't really think there's anything we could say," Severa sighed.

"I have an idea," Robin said with a smirk, before hocking and spitting a wad of bloody phlegm.

"I approve," I said with a nod.

We were all standing outside now, watching as blazing orange flames consumed the house that had tortured us so. Jeremiah had helped drag both Robin and myself back to his impromptu campsite, the young man shocked at the state of us.

"You guys must've gone through some serious hell in there," Jeremiah said from behind us. "I told you so. I did warn you."

"Yes, but we also got what we came for," I sighed, dropping a hand on Nah's shoulder.

I was barely standing at that point, drifting dangerously close to unconsciousness. The girls didn't look much better. Robin, in particular, looked pale and drawn, even after drinking my last three vulneraries. We stood in silence for a time as the house burned, moving back a little as the building collapsed as flames ate it from the inside out.

It wasn't like the movies. No wailing spirit freed as the house burned, no screams, just silence and the crackling of flames in the morning sun.

It was almost anticlimactic.

But we'd survived. We'd beaten that hell, saved Nah, and all of us had escaped alive.

"Wellp, fuck this, I'm going back to Baham," I announced tiredly. "Then I'm going to eat 'til I'm tired then sleep 'til I'm hungry. Who's coming?"

"I'm in!" "Me!" Robin and Noire both said at the same time.

"I would kill for a nice bed right about now," Severa groaned.

"Me too," Nah sighed. "I feel like I was stuck in there for years!"

"Wait," Lucina said.

We all froze, instantly on guard again as our hands dropped to our weapons. Jeremiah went pale, shuffling closer to the group as Lucina approached me.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked.

Lucina didn't say anything, just stepping up to me and bringing her knee up into my balls. With a high-pitched squeak I doubled over, before falling flat on my face with a small groan.

"Ow," I managed to squeak.

Before promptly throwing up all over the grass.

"Walk it off, you'll be fine," Lucina deadpanned.

The girls all burst into laughter, even Robin who had no idea why this was happening to me. Jeremiah winced, grinning as he subtly crossed his legs.

"Now we can go," Lucina said, satisfied.

* * *

 **AN: Yay, the horror section of the story is done just in time for Halloween! Happy Halloween, y'all!**

 **Shout out to all my awesome patrons over on (P)atreon! Y'all rock. And thanks to Minute Rice for helping (read: 'forcing') me to get this chapter up to snuff as my editor. And also my proofreader whose screen name I've forgotten, BUT THANKS TO YOU, TOO, S! All of you made this chapter possible.**

 **Ugh. I am so happy to see the arse-end of this story arc. This was legit some of the hardest stuff for me to write in a long time, but it was great practice for the story I'm planning to start once _Future's End_ is done. So, yay for practice. **

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	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter the Fifteenth, or 'Revelations not of the Fates kind'**

I sat safely back in Baham, staring absently into the small fire in the brazier in the corner of my room. I was sitting against the headboard of my bed, feet up on the downy mattress, lost in thought.

We had arrived back in Baham early afternoon, barely speaking a word as we walked. Everyone was exhausted and wounded, physically and emotionally. Noire had a nasty gash on her shoulder, Severa was holding her hand close to her chest, Nah was still scratched up under my tunic, and Robin was limping pretty badly. My own hand had still been utterly shattered from where I'd punched the floor. Lucina was probably still walking funny, but that was most likely my fault.

I don't think I'd ever actually run out of vulneraries before. This was a first. It just underscored how close we'd come to failing this time.

Which could only mean I had to increase our training and do some more power-levelling.

That, or start carrying more vulneraries.

I groaned and sank a little more into my bed, letting myself slide down the headboard until I was in an incredibly uncomfortable position that actually made me put in the effort to get into bed properly. I had to wiggle a bit, totally wrecking the neatly made bed, but eventually I settled into a sort-of-comfortable position and let out a long sigh.

I was exhausted. But I was still so high-strung from that fucking haunted house I doubted I'd drift off any time soon. Even my go-to method of getting myself tired enough to sleep, rubbing one out, had failed me. And lord how I had tried.

My mind was still cranking at a mile a minute. Every shadow could hold a threat. Every sound a Risen sneaking up on me, every-

I let out an undignified yelp as someone knocked on the door to my room, shooting up in bed.

"What!?" I snapped, taking a deep breath to calm myself again.

The door opened a crack to reveal a grinning Robin, who tentatively stepped into the room and closed it behind her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she chuckled.

I sighed out my nose, running a hand over the top of my head. She was wearing the over-sized night shirt she usually made her pajamas, hanging off one bare shoulder, and her usual pants, going barefoot. I blinked, realizing I was still in hyper-aware, analyze everything survival mode.

"It's fine, I'm just still… a little strung out, I guess," I said, my brow furrowing a little in confusion. "What's up?"

"I think we're all a little strung out," Robin said, looking away and not moving from the door. "The girls are all sleeping in one room tonight."

My eyebrow shot up at that mental image, pillow-fights and sheer negligees instantly coming to mind before I banished the thought with a quick shake. No doubt they were just taking solace from the close proximity of people they trusted. A pretty damn good coping mechanism, honestly. Humans were still herd animals, and sometimes, after traumatic incidents, it was best just to have someone you could trust just be there for them.

"You don't seem too strung out," I pointed out, trying to refocus my thoughts.

Robin scoffed, leaning back against the door.

"I'm faking it," she admitted quietly. "And the girls all seemed to have their own little 'time traveler's club' going on, so…"

"Ah," I said, comprehension dawning. "You too, huh?"

Robin perked up a little as I grinned, lifting the edge of the heavy down quilt invitingly.

"Climb aboard," I said. "Maybe I'll actually get some sleep with someone else here."

Robin sighed a little, a small smile lighting up her pretty face as she darted across the room and slid into the bed next to me. She wriggled about a little, getting comfortable, before the pants she had been wearing dropped to the floor beside the bed.

"Don't get any funny ideas, this is how I usually sleep," the tactician warned me.

"Robin, don't take this the wrong way; you're a beautiful woman, but right now I'm so exhausted I doubt I could manage to even get it up," I groaned, rolling onto my side and facing away from her. "Get some sleep."

There was some more shifting behind me before Robin pressed herself to my back, throwing an arm over me in a hug.

"Thanks," she said.

"Off!" I sighed after a moment.

I pulled away from her and rolled back over, forcibly turning her away from me until she was facing in the same direction.

"What are you doing?" Robin laughed.

"I am no one's little spoon," I said, throwing my arm over her this time. "Now shut up and sleep."

Robin chuckled a little, her shoulders bunching up as she laughed before she let out a long breath and relaxed against my chest. My own arm moved, too, settling just under her breasts as we got comfortable together.

"Well, if you insist," she yawned.

I barely heard her. I was already half-asleep myself.

* * *

The next morning, I left a blissfully slumbering Robin wrapped around one of my pillows, silently exiting the room and making for the dining hall in naught but my pants and unlaced boots. The hall was lavish and ridiculous, in my mind, but it was where I was having breakfast with Chrom, so I didn't have a choice in the matter. I had debated throwing on a shirt, too, but it was just Chrom, and he'd probably be just as undressed as me.

Besides, since I lost the gut and got all buff, I felt a lot more confident in my skin.

I shuffled into the dining room, expecting to see Chrom and Helman and whoever else still in their pajamas. Instead I was met by Chrom sitting at the head of the table, fully clothed with Frederick hovering over his shoulder, armored as always. Helman sat next to him with his wife, both wearing fine clothes with servants hovering around them. 'Marth' was waiting next to the door and looked up as I walked in, a scowl crossing her face as Chrom snickered.

"I feel under-dressed," I said.

"I did say 'breakfast meeting'," Chrom said, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Yes, but breakfast with you is usually an informal affair and you know what I'm just gonna go get dressed give me five minutes," I said all in one breath before ducking back into the hallway.

And then proceeding to sprint back to my room. I threw the door open, Robin not even stirring as I raced in and pulled my uniform on. Cursing as my tired fingers fumbled with the buttons, I did a little hop as I almost tripped on the laces of my boots. With a yawn I shrugged my jacket on, turning back to the door and coming face to face with a tired and disheveled Noire. Her hair was a mess, sticking up all over the place, and she was wearing an oversized night-shirt in place of her usual top over her leggings. She froze when she spotted Robin in my bed and I sighed.

"It's not what you think, we just couldn't sleep alone," I said. "What's up? Can it wait? I have a meeting with Chrom I'm already late for."

Noire blinked a few times before nodding.

"Y-yeah, sure d-dad, no problem," she said, looking away as I brushed past her.

I got two steps before I threw back my head and groaned, realizing what I was doing. I spun back to a confused-looking Noire, running a hand down my face as I stomped back to her.

"Sorry," I sighed. "I'm still half asleep. Fuck Chrom, family comes first. What do you need, sweetie?"

She blinked a few times before smiling, her eyes welling up as she gave a little sniff. She practically hopped over to me, giving me a big hug and kissing me on the cheek before settling her forehead on my shoulder.

"Just hearing you say that is more than enough," she said softly. "I c-can wait. I love you, dad."

"I love you, too, Noire," I repeated, rubbing my hand comfortingly on her back.

"Go on, you'd b-better not keep the Exalt waiting," she chuckled, stepping back.

"I meant it, you know," I told her, already taking a few steps backwards down the hall. "Any time you need me, I'll be there."

"I know," Noire smiled.

I froze, giving another groan as I jogged back past Noire to my room and closed the heavy door a little gentler than I had opened it, opting to give Robin a few more hours of sleep, and proceeded to button my uniform jacket up as I power-walked back towards the dining hall. Feeling like a dumbass all the way.

When I reemerged into the dining hall, Chrom, Helman and his wife Ethid were all sipping tea as Frederick set down a plate of scones, Marth still scowling next to the door.

"You should smile more, if the wind changes, your pretty face'll be stuck like that," I commented as I passed by her.

"Are you awake this time?" Chrom chuckled as I sat at the table.

"No, but I'm dressed." I yawned, hooking a thumb over my shoulder at Marth. "And she's here to tell me if I miss anything important. So… breakfast meeting, huh?"

"I said a 'meeting after breakfast'," Chrom sighed.

Frederick and Marth both sighed in unison as well, making Ethid giggle a little behind one dainty hand.

"Wait, so you're not even feeding me!?" I asked.

"Eat a scone and be quiet for once," Frederick growled.

"You, good sir, suck," I said, pointing at Frederick and frowning.

"Children, play nice," Chrom sighed. "We are here to discuss an important matter, Ben. Your… 'handling' of the situation in the north here was impeccably done. Almost no loss of life, stabilizing the area by installing Lady Diase as… what was that word?"

"Governor, Lord Chrom," Frederick supplied.

"Yes, Governor!" Chrom nodded. "I like that word. Anyway, aside from the death of Duke Richye this was the perfect operation."

"I don't think anyone will mourn that little bastard, either," Helman spat.

I nodded, uncomfortable feelings about the incident with Cyne bubbling beneath the surface as I smiled and took a sip of Frederick's piss-weak tea.

"Indeed," Chrom snorted. "However, there is still the unfortunate business of blockading the trade routes that I've brought us here to discuss."

Helman let out a long breath, his wife's smile turning brittle next to him as the Duke straightened in his chair.

"I understand this was part of a plot against you and Baham both, Duke Helman, and will be taking that into consideration," Chrom said seriously. "But the House of Lords is baying for blood, Beorhito in particular since the death of his son. Something needs to be done about this."

"Does it help if I speak on his behalf? Ask for leniency in light of his service to the Crown or whatever?" I asked. "Wait, I can do that, right? You did make me a Lord, yeah?"

"Yes, Ben, you can do that," Chrom chuckled before growing somber again. "But I fear it would not help matters."

"We do appreciate your support, though, Lord Ben," Helman said, giving a gracious nod as he clutched his wife's hand.

"Okay then, so…" I said, looking to Chrom with the unspoken question of 'what the fuck am I here for, then?'

"I required a witness," Chrom explained, clearing his throat and sitting up straight. "Besides, you ignored orders and went north without myself or the soldiers we mustered for the insurrection. Despite the fact that, yes, your plan was far more successful than my own would have been, you still disobeyed direct orders and need to be punished, too."

"Oh," I said, deflating and sinking in my chair.

Out of the corner of my eye I swear I could see Frederick struggling not to smirk.

"To that end, I have rendered judgement in my capacity as Exalt of Ylisse," Chrom went on. "Duke Helman of Baham, you are hereby formally stripped of your title and status as Duke effective immediately. Your daughter may retain her noble rank, but you and your wife may not."

"Yes, milord," Helman sighed, bowing his head.

"Which leaves me with a conundrum," Chrom said, leaning back in his chair.

"Did Frederick tell you to use that word?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Everyone turned to glare at me, and I got the feeling that if Lucina was within striking range, she would have smacked me.

"Sorry, I'm still tired," I sighed. "Continue, please."

"I require a loyal duke to hold these northern lands, especially now that Fruford is without one," Chrom said. "And, given your lifestyle and behavior, Ben, I can think of no better punishment for your own crimes than…"

"No," I said, sitting up ramrod straight in my chair. "Don't you dare…"

"… to assign you as the new Duke of Baham, effective immediately," Chrom finished with an apologetic smirk.

I flopped back in my chair, face slack and eyes hollow as I stared at the tablecloth.

Me? An honest-to-god nobleman? With all the authority that entails?

"I think I'm going to be sick," I groaned.

"It's not that bad," Chrom laughed. "At least I know you can handle the workload, with how you've been running your army."

"It's your army," I ground out.

"I will give you some instruction before we vacate the keep, Duke Baham," Helman offered graciously.

I glanced up at the older man and his wife. Her eyes were shining, but still her mask of perfect poise was in place. Helman himself just looked old and tired.

"Where will you go?" I asked.

"I do not know," the former duke shrugged. "I still have some old friends in Baham we can probably intrude on for a time. Then I suppose I will have to enlist in your army."

I sat up a little straighter, mind ticking over.

"Chrom, you said I was Duke 'effective immediately', yeah?" I asked.

"Yes…" Chrom said, leaning forward slightly.

A smirk played out on my face as an idea formed in my head. After a few moments the smirk grew into a full-blown sly grin.

"Helman of Baham, I have a job offer for you," I said.

"Oh, I know that look; this should be good," I heard Chrom mutter as he leaned back in his chair.

"As the Ylissean Armed Forces are still in their infancy, I am required to see to their administration and daily running," I said, making this up on the spot and talking out my ass. "To that end, I doubt I will be able to spend much time in Baham myself. I will require a retainer of sorts to see to matters here in the north, preferably someone well acquainted with the region. Of course, they would also have to live in the Keep, to, you know, maintain it for me and the like. Also, seeing as Chrom has already greenlit the founding of another two regiments, I'll need someone to lead the one I wanted to found in Baham. It would make my life much easier if they were the same person. Would you be interested in this position?"

Helman's face had been growing more and more shocked as I had spoken, even his wife looking hopeful beside him. They exchanged glances before both looking over to a grinning Chrom.

"Well, Duke Ben, I believe I would be interested in such a position," Helman said.

"Well then, I look forward to working with you, Steward Helman, Colonel of the First Baham regiment," I said, reaching over the table to shake the older man's hand with a visible shaking in my own.

This was right about the time Chrom finally burst into laughter, clapping and shaking his head through his hysterics.

"Yes!" he cried, wiping a tear from his eye. "I knew it! I knew if anyone could come up with some crazy way for all of us to win here, it would be you, Ben!"

"What?" Frederick, Marth and I all asked at once.

"I didn't actually want to have to depose you, Helman!" Chrom explained. "You've been a stalwart supporter of House Ylisse your entire career! But the House of Lords was demanding it. If I had lost Baham, House Ylisse would have lost a considerable amount of backing. But this is perfect! Hah-ha! And you even roped him back into active service! Are you sure you haven't studied politics before, Ben?"

"You have no idea how much I hate you right now," I deadpanned.

"Why? You just got rank and you barely have to do anything!" Chrom replied.

"I don't want rank! I didin't even want the rank I have!" I growled. "I've lived my entire life to this point trying to avoid responsibility, and now you put me in charge of an entire region of your kingdom!?"

"Take a breath, you're hyperventilating," 'Marth' said from behind me.

"I'm having a damned panic attack!" I almost screamed, pressing a hand to my chest. "Of course I'm hyperventilating!"

The Duke's wife, Ethid, earned odd looks all around when she sighed and rose from her chair, the room watching silently as she approached me. While I was still looking down and trying to get my heartbeat under control. I can't really quantify a panic attack. It's like the worst asthma you'll ever have; your chest becomes tight, your vision darkens, your body goes rigid and it's all you can do to keep breathing, and even that becomes a struggle. So, I think, given my current state, it surprised me most of all when Lady Ethid wrapped me in a firm hug, holding my head to her shoulder and stroking my head.

"Alright, calm down," she said soothingly. "It's not all that bad. You've already given most of the responsibility back to Helman, so calm down now."

"Buh?" I managed.

"Lady Ethid?" Chrom asked slowly.

"Our… daughter had similar outbursts when she was younger," Helman explained sheepishly. "I suppose one never really stops being a mother."

"Of course not!" Ethid chided over my head. "And I seem to recall a certain someone having a few similar meltdowns after the big war-"

Former-Duke Helman suddenly found himself having to clear his throat rather loudly, turning away and desperately trying to hide the blush on his weathered cheeks.

"Okay, I'm good," I said, lightly tapping her arm encircling my head like a wrestler tapping out of a hold. "You can let go of my head now. Please. Stop hugging my head now. Thank you."

A certain scene from the movie _Dogma_ came to mind as I straightened my jacket, one in which Jay Mews screams _"why the fuck did these two hug my head for!?"_ Although considering she was being nice about it, I refrained from cursing aloud.

I cleared my throat, straightening my collar.

"Thank you, Lady Ethid," I said. "I'm sorry I lost it there like that."

"It's not surprising," Helman mused. "I heard from Jeremiah what happened last night…"

"What happened?" Chrom asked curiously.

"Nothing!" Marth and I both said, a little too quickly.

"They rescued a young woman from a haunted house," Helman said seriously. "Then even burned it down! Imagine that!"

"Really?" Chrom said, turning to me. "You should have said something. I would have helped."

"I'll remember that next time I plan to commit arson," I joked weakly.

"You know what I mean," Chrom chuckled.

I leaned back in my chair as Ethid returned to her own, exchanging a glance with 'Marth' before shaking my head.

"No, Chrom," I said. "For once, I'm glad I left you out of this. It was… beyond unpleasant. Please, let's just leave it at that."

"Ah, right, Jeremiah wanted me to pass on the message 'I told you so', too," Helman smirked.

"For a man who just lost his title you seem awful glib," I deadpanned.

Helman shrugged. "I may have lost my title, but not my livelihood, and my daughter gets to keep hers. Were I a younger man I may be more upset, but I'm no spring chicken, I'm afraid. It will be good to know that the province is in good hands as I get on in years."

"You're like a fine wine, dear," Ethid cooed, "You just improve with age!"

Chrom and I both made exaggerated gagging sounds as Helman blushed an even deeper shade of red, clearly wishing he could just disappear.

And just like that, I had attained even further responsibility.

The rest of the meeting passed in a blur of assurances, promises and political mumbo jumbo I really should have been paying attention to. But I was just so shell-shocked at the idea of all this responsibility I suddenly found myself saddled down by that I just tuned out.

Somehow, I made it back to my room with a characteristically stoic Lucina in tow, almost collapsing through the door to find Noire and Robin sitting down to a lovely looking breakfast. Both women looked up, Noire half rising automatically from her seat when she saw the look on my face.

"What happened?" Robin asked.

I didn't respond, shuffling through the room and perching on the edge of my bed, staring into space with a look of abject terror on my face.

"Dad? Y-you're scaring me," Noire said.

My time-travelling daughter perched on the edge of the bed next to me, taking one of my limp hands in hers to try and get my attention.

"Oh, he is merely being melodramatic," Lucina huffed. "My father appointed him as the new Duke of Baham."

"I'm sensing a story behind that," Robin said, surprise clearly writ on her features.

I gave a low moan, head drooping. Noire, on the other hand, perked up next to me.

"Oh? Already?" she asked. "You didn't become Duke in the future until Sir Helman died. Er… should I have said that?"

Lucina shrugged, picking idly at the food Noire had abandoned. "I cannot see why it would hurt now."

I slowly looked up, turning to glare venomously at Noire.

"You _knew_!?" I hissed dangerously.

"O-of course!" she stammered. "Who do you think is the current Duchess of Baham? Or, was in the future, I mean…"

I let out another long groan, flopping back on the bed and willing swift and painless death upon myself. Or at least slow and painful death. Anything to get me out of this.

* * *

"I do not want to do this," I growled.

I had been back in Ylisstol for all of one night, having spent the entire previous day travelling with Chrom back to the palace. Apparently, there was a sitting of the House of Lords that day and he wanted me there. And now that I was, in fact, a member of the Ylissean nobility, I apparently had a lot less wherewithal to tell him 'no'.

Lucina and the others were returning sometime today, having gone at a slower pace by the main roads, as opposed to the winding back roads we had taken to get to Baham. Virion was overseeing the return of the First Platoon as they slowly withdrew from the flood ravaged southlands, Olivia and Ricken assisting him with their own platoons. Anna was god only knew where, and lord knows that the little scrooge would charge me just for moral support anyway.

I was alone, and surrounded by political enemies.

A day ago, I hadn't even known I had political enemies.

It sounded so weird in my head.

"Yes, so I've heard," Robin chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Again, and again and again. Relax. You'll be fine."

Well, I amended in my head, not entirely alone.

Robin had returned with Chrom and I, clinging to my back on the horse the entire way. Because we had ridden back, even though I can barely ride. But I digress, Robin, at least, was there with me.

I sighed, rubbing a head over the sandpaper stubble atop my head as I looked in the mirror. I was wearing my simplified version of the army's dress uniform this time (because fuck fancy suits), and to my mind I looked sharp. The jacket was surprisingly slimming, emphasizing my shoulders nicely while still hiding the daggers on the small of my back. My sword, worn ceremonially by Lords who had performed military service, would hang from my belt. Honestly, I wanted to go in full armor, but Chrom had promised I wouldn't be killed in the meeting hall. Outside it, though, I was still nervous about the possibility. Duke Burrito _was_ supposed to be there…

Robin, for her part, was wearing her spotless and neatly pressed duty uniform beneath her usual coat, the red ribbon denoting us as tacticians proudly displayed on both our breasts almost glowing on her own (I'd have to talk to Anna about getting ribbon bars made up for combat situations). She had also tied her hair up in a neat bun at the back of her head, making the woman almost unrecognizable without her trademark pigtails.

"Whatever, let's go," I growled. "I wanna get there early and make a good impression."

"What, you want to go like that?" Robin asked incredulously.

I froze, social anxiety spiking as I looked down at myself.

"What's wrong with how I look?" I asked slowly. "I think I look pretty sharp."

"You haven't even shaved!" Robin pointed out.

"I shaved yesterday," I said, bewildered.

Robin sighed and shook her head, turning away and dragging a chair over to the small cistern against the wall.

"I cannot believe I have to be the one to explain this to you," she muttered, shrugging off her coat before rolling up her sleeves. "You need to look pretty, mister big fancy duke man. Take off your jacket and sit down, I'll be quick."

"Do we really have time for this?" I asked, already shrugging off my jacket.

"Sit," Robin commanded.

I found myself suddenly with the strong compulsion to put my ass in that chair, such was Robin's inherent charisma. With a put-upon sigh, I settled into the chair, my tactician flipping a sheet over my uniform.

"Where the hell did you get a…" I muttered.

"Bed," Robin smirked. "Elle washes them daily, right?"

I grunted an affirmative as Robin lathered up some of the foam I kept on the small table, before she slathered it all over the top of my head. Then with quick, sure strokes she proceeded to shave me again.

"I ever mention how great it is you know how to do this?" I said as she tilted my head forward.

"I ever mention I invoice you extra for this?" she shot back.

"Anna has ruined you," I grumbled.

Robin just chuckled as she ran the straight razor over the back of my head, her movements far quicker and more precise than last time she had shaved me. That time had been slow, relaxing, almost meditative. This time it was all business, taking a bare fraction of the time she had before, and just as I felt myself relaxing into my tactician's ministrations, I felt her lightly slap the top of my head.

"There, done," she said with a grin. "Damn I'm good."

I looked up, sunlight from the window reflecting off my cleanly-shaven head.

"Aw, I was just starting to enjoy it," I pouted, wiping my head and face on the sheet as I stood.

"I'll do it nice for you next time," Robin promised with a wink.

She pushed her sleeves back down before pulling her coat back on, and, as I shrugged my own jacket back into place, I felt an odd sense of guilt.

"You know, I appreciate this, but you don't have to," I told her.

"Oh, I know," Robin laughed. "I'd actually charge you if I didn't want to do it."

"I'm serious, Robin, I don't want you to feel like you have to do stuff like this. I put so much responsibility on you already," I huffed.

"I know," she said, her smile turning somewhat melancholy.

"So what's up?" I asked. "Still feeling a little weird after the hell-house?"

Robin smirked at the funny little name we'd all decided to call the haunted house, shaking her head a little.

"Yeah, that's part of it," she admitted, looking away. "But I'm also kinda fixated on… you know, the whole 'amnesia' thing. Hey, you knew me… before, right?"

"Robin, we've been over this," I sighed. "I knew of you, I didn't know you personally. I don't know any more about your history than who your father is."

"Yeah, I know," she said in a small voice. "It's just frustrating sometimes. Sorry, I know I shouldn't be so stuck on this."

"Oh no, you should absolutely be stuck on this," I corrected her. "As much as I should be stuck on figuring out a way home and Lucina should be focused on saving the world. We've all got our little crusades, Robin, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna make you deal with it on your own. Alright? You need to talk, I'm here. You wanna go off on some cockamamie quest to find out who you are, I'll be right there with you."

"Did you seriously just say, 'cockamamie?'" Robin snorted. "And how could you just drop everything for me like that?"

"Easily," I shrugged. "We're part of an army. I'd call it 'training exercises.'. If you meant 'how can I justify it'…"

I paused for a moment, thinking about how best to word it. When nothing else came to mind I shrugged again, spreading my hands.

"Well, you're worth it," I admitted with a sheepish grin.

"And you are buttering me up," Robin laughed, sniffling and wiping at her face. "I'm not letting you get out of this stupid meeting."

"Then fuck you! You're on your own!" I pouted.

Robin barked out a harsh laugh before spluttering and devolving into hysterical peals of laughter, holding her sides and leaning back against the nearest wall to hold her up. I smirked, rolling my eyes and stepping towards the door.

"You coming?" I asked over my shoulder.

The tactician chuckled a few more times, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes and nodding. With a noticeable spring in her step she bounced off the wall and moved to my side, and together we made for the meeting hall. We had barely gone a step out of my room, though, when Robin stopped me, still grinning even as she pulled me back and leaned down a little to plant a kiss on my freshly-shaved cheek. Because, like everyone else, she was taller than me.

"You're such an asshole," she said with a grin as she stepped back. "C'mon, we're gonna be late."

"Your fault, not mine," I chuckled.

"Asshole," Robin repeated with a laugh.

* * *

I held my head high and my back straight as I strode purposely through the palace to the meeting chambers, and, although I was doing my best to look confident, I was still kind of panicking. I had done quite a lot to destabilize the nobility in this world, and although I could claim ignorance for undermining their authority so often recently, I kind of couldn't get out of it any more.

Robin walked at my shoulder, emulating my posture and looking far more regal and important than me, her boss. The only difference was, where I had a stone-faced frown set on my features Robin was clearly trying very hard not to grin like a kid on a field trip. And why shouldn't she? She was coming as a passive observer; I was the one about to be thrown in the shit.

We stopped at the top of the stairs leading down from the Royal Apartments to the Great Hall, where we would come out behind the throne and onto the main floor. Then it was barely a stone's throw to the meeting rooms where the Dukes and their representatives met with the Exalt. Usually these meetings were conducted by proxy; according to Chrom, half the time Frederick attended in his place. But because there was a new Duke being appointed in Baham, me, as well as a new 'Governess' in Fruford, Diase, a full Sitting had been called. And it would apparently take all week.

"Robin, can you do something for me?" I asked, straightening my collar again.

"I am not going to push you down the stairs," Robin smirked.

"What? No!" I said, glancing at her out of the corner of my eye.

"I will not light you on fire, either," she added, rolling her eyes.

"Elle would have lit me on fire," I pouted.

"And unfortunately, I'm here and she's not, so let's go get this over with," Robin said, clearly trying not to laugh.

I sighed and proceeded to stomp down the stairs, somewhat petulantly I will admit. I was pretty sure I could hear Robin sucking her bottom lip to stop herself from giggling at me, but I ignored her.

We strode purposely into the Grand Hall, finding Chrom standing waiting with Frederick, an older blonde man with a thick, curled moustache and…

"Crapfuck," I muttered as Maribelle stepped out of the man's shadow.

"Ah! Ben, Robin, here, join us," Chrom said, ushering us over.

I didn't miss a step, hesitating only a moment before altering course slightly to meet them, Robin in step with me the entire way. I stopped before Chrom and the older man, Maribelle's father if the hair color was any indication. Which would make him…

"Let me introduce you to Duke Egred of Themis," Chrom said genially.

"A pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, Lord Ben," the Duke said, stepping forward and offering me his hand. "I've heard much about you. My daughter was quite smitten with you for a time."

Maribelle cleared her throat and blushed a little, her poise and posture still perfect as she stood behind her father. I nodded and took the offered hand, pumping it a few times before releasing him.

"The pleasure's mine, Duke Egred," I said politely. "This is my Tactician and second, Robin."

"Lord Duke, a pleasure," Robin said, bowing politely.

"This is the most polite I've ever seen either of you two," Chrom chuckled.

"You told me to behave," I pointed out mildly. "And I told her to behave."

"Actually, I told you to behave a second time," Robin said out of the corner of her mouth.

"And we have not begun anything of import here," Chrom smirked. "Duke Egred and Themis are some of my most vocal supporters in the House of Lords. I thought that we should all get to know each other, if we are to be working together."

"Indeed," Egred nodded. "Helman and I were old friends. I hope nothing untoward has become of him…"

"If by 'untoward' you mean being put in charge of his old territories again while I am absent, then yes," I said.

"Ah, excellent," Egred sighed, smiling just a bit. "I was worried for the old fool. He always was the hot-headed one."

Frederick cleared his throat, stepping up to Robin. The big knight wore only his cream suit and black ribbon tie, still managing to dwarf most of us and look as intimidating without the armor.

"Lady Robin, I need to speak with you about what a Lord's second is required to do during these meetings," he said, casting me a sideways glare.

"Come, Egred, let's find our seats," Chrom offered, giving me a significant look.

My heart sank in my chest as the other four moved away, leaving me and a suddenly very ill-looking Maribelle standing there alone in the Hall. She was wearing a frilly mess of a pale pink dress, her habitual parasol neatly wrapped and clasped in lace-gloved hands. She turned towards me, nervously wringing her hands around the handle of the parasol before clearing her throat.

"Good morning, Lord Duke," she said, dropping a flawless curtsey. "I hope the day finds you well."

Well, I had been avoiding her like the plague while hypocritically still wanting to apologize for biting her head off during the victory celebration. It all seemed so long ago, but judging from the way she had fallen back on her old formal habits she was feeling just as awkward as I was right now.

"As well as can be, Lady Maribelle," I said, smirking a little. "Although before anything else I believe I owe you an apology for my previous behavior."

I bowed my head. "I'm sorry, Maribelle. You deserved far better than the way I treated you."

"Oh, posh, raise your head," she hissed, stepping closer to me. "Do you really want to do this now?"

"No time like the present," I shrugged.

Maribelle nodded, narrowing her eyes and stomping hard with her heel on my foot. I sucked in a breath, hissing in pain as I hobbled back a step.

"You are forgiven," she said, smiling daintily. "I fear I, too, should apologize for my presumptuousness in the whole affair. It was hardly lady-like, I'm afraid."

"Do I get to stomp your foot now?" I muttered darkly.

"Only if you want my parasol shoved up your nose," she warned with another glare.

We eyed off for another moment before both our faces broke into smirks at the same time. I chuckled a little as Maribelle giggled behind her hand.

"Seriously, I'm sorry," I said, more casually.

"Forget it," Maribelle said, still stifling her giggles. "I have been assured that I 'came on too strong'. My father has even approved a new young suitor, this one from a lesser local noble house."

"Anyone I know?" I asked.

"That would be telling, as I believe I have heard you say," she said with a wink.

"Fine, be that way," I scoffed, smirking myself. "So, are we good?"

"Yes, Duke Ben," Maribelle said with a sly little grin. "As good as two people from different noble houses can be, anyway."

I let out a long sigh, feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders. This had been weighing me down for a while now, and I was glad to be rid of the lingering doubts. Plus, it felt good to apologize.

"Well, then, Lady Maribelle," I said, offering her my arm. "Would you allow me to accompany you to this meeting?"

Maribelle scoffed, but still accepted my arm and placed one dainty hand in the crook of my elbow, fingers resting on my forearm.

"You have clearly been training," she commented as we walked towards the meeting hall.

"Been a busy few months," I said, flexing under my jacket for emphasis.

Maribelle cleared her throat, shooting me a little glare out of the corner of her eye to mask the slight blush rising to her cheeks again and making me think I might have gone a step too far, but I put it out of my mind as we entered the meeting room.

The room itself was well lit, but a haze of tobacco smoke hung in the air, making everything seem dark and blurring the edges of shapes. Nearly a dozen men were seated around a horseshoe shaped table, Chrom positioned at the apex with Egred next to him already. The other Dukes and Lords around the table began to mutter amongst themselves as they spotted us. I wasn't an idiot; I knew what kind of message this entrance, arm in arm with Maribelle, was sending about where my loyalties lay. Although, I began to sweat beneath my uniform as I realized I didn't know where it was I was supposed to sit, unconsciously slowing my pace as my old social anxiety flared up again. Maribelle pulled me on though, leaning to whisper instructions to me.

"You're next to Chrom, on his left hand," she informed me. "It was Lord Helman's seat."

"Thanks," I muttered back. "I owe you one."

Maribelle just gave me a small coquettish smile, batting her lashes at me a few times before we reached her father's seat and she unlinked her arm from mine and I took my own seat.

"I was hoping she would tell you which seat was yours," Chrom muttered by way of greeting.

"You really aren't making this easy for me," I mumbled back.

Chrom gave me an apologetic grin as he leaned back in his chair. I remained silent, even as Frederick and Robin appeared and took up seats with Maribelle and the other Seconds and assistants to the side of the room. I spotted Sumia's father, the Duke of Midland whose name I'd never actually caught, on the other side of Egred, conferring with a man in bright blue Ylisstol livery. Diase was next to him, the stately old woman giving me the barest nod of her head in greeting, stiff and formal as she had been back in Fruford. I nodded back, barely a twitch, and our gaze broke. There were eight other men and their retinues I didn't know, all of them, to a tee, over forty aside from myself and Chrom. Fortunately, though, it appeared that Duke Burrito wasn't-

"Please forgive my tardiness," the fat Duke announced as he burst, quivering and jiggling, into the room. "My dear wife is still distraught over the loss of our son, and I found it difficult to leave her side this morning."

A ripple of sympathetic muttering spread through the room as I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Burrito stopped above his seat, his glare burning into my own placid gaze when he spotted me.

"It is such a tragedy, after all, when the young must perish," he said, making direct eye contact the entire time.

And, then and there, I decided that this would be a total, irredeemable barrel of suck.

"Yes, and we all feel your loss as keenly as if it were our own," Chrom said once the fat duke was settled.

To anyone else, the Exalt would have sounded sincere. But I could tell, by the slight upraised corner of his eyebrow, that he cared about as much as I did. In fact, I doubted anyone in the room gave a shit.

Burrito made a show of looking around, nodding to those noblemen that he recognized, before his gaze settled on Diase.

"I do hope your daughter is not overly distraught at the loss of her husband," Burrito said, his slimy voice almost a purr.

"I appreciate your concern, Duke Beorhito," Diase said judiciously. "However, even though she is frail, I have no doubt she will cope. We have all experienced loss in our lives, after all."

"Alas, such are the times we live in," Burrito sighed theatrically. "And please, Lady Diase, we are all friends here, are we not? Call me Maximillian."

He then turned his beady, piggy gaze on me. His feigned geniality didn't quite manage to cover the murder his eyes promised me, and I couldn't help but grin in response.

"Ah, you must be Helman's replacement," Burrito didn't-quite-sneer. "What was your name again?"

"It's Ben," I smirked openly. "How's the nose, by the way?"

There was a smattering of snickers and cleared throats, although a good four of the assembled Dukes aside from Burrito shot me some pretty empathetic death glares of their own. Good. I'd needed to see who was in the fat man's little camp, and now I had.

"It is fine, I assure you," Burrito ground out.

"Ben, please," Chrom muttered.

"Yeah, sorry about that," I said, leaning back in my chair.

"Ah, water under the bridge, as the commoners say," Burrito smiled, waving it off.

"I'm only sorry I missed the party," Sumia's frowny-dad spoke up. "It sounds as if it was quite the do."

"Oh, it was a night to remember," one of the other Dukes said. "The Lady Pegasus Commander Cordelia's playing was exquisite."

"I had heard it was magnificent," Diase added. "What say you, Duke Baham?"

I perked up, momentarily forgetting that that was me now. "Um, yes, she was amazing."

Burrito frowned, clearly expecting both Diase and myself to have been cut out of the conversation. In one fell swoop, though, the Lady Dowager had returned the attention from Burrito's camp back to me and Chrom's.

"Tell me, Duke Baham," one of the other, needle-nosed dukes said. "In your homeland, do you have celebrations such as these?"

"Oh yes, of course," I said with a nod, making an effort to bump my speech up to an acceptable level of douchery. "Although I find the Ylissean celebrations to be by far the preferable of the two."

 _Mostly because there's no dubstep,_ I finished in my head.

"Absolutely fascinating!" needle-nose crowed, clapping his hands.

"You simply must tell us of your homeland's customs," Egred added. "I find myself something of an amateur sociologist, if I do say so myself."

"I, myself, find the study of other cultures interesting," I said with a small smile. "I'd love to sit down and compare notes sometime."

"Marvelous," Egred nodded.

"I hear tell you are something of an author, Duke Baham," a heavyset Duke, more steel grey moustache than man, said.

"Oh, no, not at all…" I said, honestly blushing a little as I internally cursed Sumia's name.

"Posh," Duke Moustache said. "Your serial is the talk of Ylisstol's literary circles! My own son is enamored with your tales."

"Please, Lord, you're too kind," I muttered, looking down in embarrassment to a smattering of chuckles.

"Tis an honest sign of talent when they are so modest, no?" Diase asked rhetorically.

"Did we not come here for a reason?" Burrito blustered, cutting in.

Chrom cleared his throat, adjusting the heavy ornamental cloak around his neck and nodding.

"Yes, apologies, Duke Beorhito, we shall convene the meeting," Chrom decreed.

Diase and I shared a look of understanding, making me struggle to suppress a grin. There were power games, even in simple welcoming sessions such as these, it appeared, and with the Lady Dowager's help I had even managed to come out on top on my first day. Maribelle, too, had been instrumental in ensuring I hadn't made an ass out of myself.

Battle lines were being drawn, even as my first fumbling attempts as a politico earned me favor in the apparent neutral Dukes. I could see now the differences in Chrom's camp, which I was a part of, and Burrito's camp. A war of words and trade and…

And then it hit me.

Burrito's first name was 'Maximillian'.

Maxi.

Maxi Burrito.

* * *

After nearly a week of 'Sittings,' I had grown increasingly bored and restless, not even managing to leave the palace under the new workload I now found myself responsible for. So, when I had gotten an emergency summons from Virion, I had been almost giddy at the chance to get out of Chrom's shadow for a few hours. Still, though, my mood was foul and it was pretty plain to see from the look on my face.

I glowered as I stomped back into my office, Elle hot on my heels. Virion stood up from behind my desk, smiling with relief as he spotted me. His smile faded a little as he saw the expression on my face, but still he made a show of moving aside as I took my place behind the desk and sank back into my chair. It felt like I was finally home.

"What is so god-damned important that it couldn't wait until my ass had even reformed the grooves in my chair?" I asked irritably.

"Yes, it is grand to see you again as well, my friend," Virion said with an eye-roll.

I gave a long sigh, running a hand over the top of my head.

"Sorry. Been a long couple of weeks," I said, calmer now.

"Yes, so I've heard, Duke Baham," Virion grinned.

"I swear I'll stab you," I growled. "Here, I'm the General. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, and I repeat, what was so important that the Colonel of the First couldn't deal with it himself?"

Virion gave a sigh of his own, his grin dropping as he readjusted his cravat.

"It pertains to the behavior of one of the soldiers in First Platoon," the archer explained.

"Virion, discipline for the entire First Regiment is your problem, not mine," I reminded him. "Unless it's actually you I need to deal with, in which case your ass is grass and I'm mowing the lawn, mister."

"And usually I would deal with it myself, rest assured," he said quickly. "However, this one is… delicate."

I circled my hand in the air a few times, motioning him to continue.

"Her name is Lady Erutreya Fawkes, eldest daughter of Baron Fawkes of Caford, one of Duke Beorhito's holdings," Virion explained. "Enlisted with a fake name, rose to prominence in the First Platoon very quickly. A natural born leader, exemplary swordsman and has the stamina of a draft horse."

"Oh god I already have a headache," I groaned. "What'd she do?"

"She and another soldier started a brawl," Virion said. "A private named Anders. She beat him half to death before the rest of his squad dragged her off him. Then her squad got involved and things escalated until I intervened with two other squads. All because Anders had the gall to attempt to court the lady."

"So, what, she beat the shit out of some sleaze for hitting on her?" I asked, trying to make sure I had the story right.

"No, by all accounts he was very gentlemanly," Virion corrected. "However, when he refused to accept his dismissal, Lady Fawkes became… agitated."

"Alright, bring her here, I'll… straighten this out," I sighed. "Or something. I guess. Where is she?"

"Waiting in my office, under guard," Virion said. "I postulated that given the sensitive matter of your political situation with Beorhito you would want to deal with this as quickly and quietly as possibly."

I groaned a curse, sinking lower in my chair for a moment before sitting back up.

"Fuck it, fine, bring her in," I said.

Virion nodded and disappeared for a few moments, reappearing quickly. His office was next door, so it didn't take long. He led a pair of soldiers practically frog-marching a woman in dirty First armor into the room. Her hands were bound with heavy shackles, and she wore a mirror of my own scowl on her face. Her blonde hair was cut short in a very masculine style, but even the dirt on her face and the haircut couldn't hide the traditional noble beauty about her. High cheekbones and a pretty, heart-shaped face took a lot of the sting out of her glare. Her eyes were a vivid green, and I spotted a small mole beneath her left eye. She was probably only about my height, upper-end of average for a woman, but hardly tall.

"Out," I said, waving off the guards.

They hesitated a moment, looking to Virion before saluting and exiting the room. The door closed behind them and Virion stepped forward.

"So I hear you like to fight," I said, cutting off whatever Virion was going to say.

"Idiot couldn't take no for an answer, sir," she said, her voice pitched low.

"I see," I said.

I leaned forward, adopting the 'Gendo-pose' and resting my elbows on the desk as I laced my fingers beneath my nose.

"Lady Fawkes has a rather long history of violent outbursts-" Virion started.

The archer never finished his sentence, Erutreya's head snapping out in a pretty nasty headbutt and breaking Virion's nose with a harsh crack.

"Call me a lady again!" she snarled.

"Fawkes, that's enough!" I bellowed, rising to my feet.

Virion staggered back as Erutreya snapped to attention, like a good soldier. The archer glared through his fingers at her as he re-set his nose, wiping at the blood running down his face. Without looking I tossed him a vulnerary from my stash, which he downed with a grateful nod.

Erutreya and I traded glares for a moment before I spoke again.

"Let me make one thing abundantly clear, Erutreya," I said, narrowing my eyes. "I don't care where you're from. I don't care who your daddy is. I will not abide by this kind of behavior in this army. Understood?"

"Yes sir," she snapped, eyes forward.

"Good," I nodded, stepping around the table. "Lose the armor."

"Sir, I earned this armor-" she said, her voice rising.

"I said lose the armor, Erutreya!" I shouted.

"With all due respect, sir, fuck you!" she snarled.

I responded with a right hook. There was no power behind the punch, but her face still snapped aside. When she looked back at me the glare she shot me promised me pain.

"Bah, this is no fun," I said dismissively. "Colonel, lose the shackles. Then, Erutreya, you lose the armor."

"Sir, may I ask why?" Virion asked.

"Because I want to see if she's worth keeping," I said.

I shrugged off my coat and passed it to a waiting Elle. The maid just sighed and took the garment, stepping back out of the way. She already had a vulnerary ready in her hand.

"Oh for Naga's sake, General, really?" Virion groaned.

"I'm… confused," Erutreya said, narrowing her eyes.

"A fight, girl," I said with a wolfish grin. "I'm challenging you. Usually, striking a superior officer is punishable by death. Given your family ties, I don't think that'd go down well with my old buddy Burrito. I have half a mind to boot your insubordinate ass out, though. You impress me, I won't."

"I renounced my title, General," Erutreya said evenly.

"And?" I asked, pulling off my shirt and tearing it in half. "Blood doesn't exactly go away just because you say so. Virion, for fucks sake if you don't take those shackles off that girl I will-"

"I am not a 'girl'!" Erutreya shouted.

I smirked, wrapping my ruined shirt around my knuckles and ignoring the death-glare Elle was shooting me for ruining a perfectly good shirt. Virion was looking at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was. But if she was halfway decent, I had an idea here…

"Shh, honey, the man is talking," I said condescendingly. "Colonel, this is a direct order from your Commanding Officer. Remove the Lady's shackles."

Erutreya ground her teeth as Virion sighed and stepped forward to wordlessly remove the shackles, her glare never leaving my own smirking face.

"Aright," Virion said, his tone resigned as he worked the steel bonds. "But perhaps you should take this out to the training grounds or-"

As soon as her wrists were free Erutreya roared and charged at me without even shedding her armor like I'd ordered. Contrary to what I'd been expecting, though, she dropped into a familiar boxer's pose just as I stepped to meet her. I ducked her first jab by a hair's breadth, feeling her fist pass so close it would have caught my hair if I'd had any. Her follow-up came from above, and I slipped around her side like I had practiced with Panne so many months ago now. I gave a few light feints at her kidney, which she ignored. Clearly, she knew she was protected in her armor, and I just barely managed to dodge backwards from a savage uppercut.

"Huh, almost had me there," I grinned, backing up against the closest bookshelf.

Erutreya gave another enraged roar, charging me again. Rather than let her hit my meticulously arranged books, though, I stepped forward. I took the body blow square in the gut and let momentum carry me forward, snapping my head down on her own. She'd seen the move coming, though, and turned slightly so the blow caught her cheek. We both reeled, and I ignored my newest concussion as I threw a right straight that caught the rampaging noblewoman in the same cheek I'd headbutted.

My head swam and I felt like throwing up. Deciding I'd had enough I drove my foot into her knee, stopping just shy of using enough force to break the joint, then kicked at her opposite hip. As she staggered aside and turned slightly I kicked again at the back of her other knee, and she dropped. Then I simply pushed her forward and dropped on top of her, one knee in the small of her back. When she flailed I caught her arm and jammed it up towards her shoulder in a perfect police hold. Just like Panne had gotten me in so many damn times…

"Whoo! Damn that was fun!" I laughed. "What'd ya think, Eruty?"

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!" she snarled from the floor.

"Well if you don't, I'm gonna promote you!" I told her with a grin.

"You cannot be serious," Virion groaned.

"So, if I let you up, promise not to hit me?" I asked, leaning down a little.

"No!" she snarled.

"Fair enough, but just for shits and giggles try not to," I said, stepping off.

Erutreya was up almost as fast as I stood aside, a mail-clad fist held just inches from my face as she wordlessly roared at me in frustration. She dropped her fist instead, panting and glaring at me.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant!" I laughed, clapping my hands. "You just got your own Platoon!"

"Oh by the gods above no…" Virion groaned, pinching the skin between his eyes.

The noblewoman continued to glare at me as I rounded my desk, accepting my coat from Elle and pulling it on over my undershirt. I sank back into my chair and propped my feet up on the desk, rifling around in the top drawer until I found the bottle of my 'emergency stash'. I took a long swig, Erutreya watching in confusion the whole time. When I held up the open bottle to her, she finally snapped.

"What the fuck is going on!?" she growled.

"So that's a no on the drink, then?" I asked.

She stomped forward and snatched the bottle from my hand, taking a long swig of her own before banging it down on the table.

"What. The fuck. Is going on?" she repeated in a low, dangerous tone.

"Sit," I said, indicating the chair beside her.

She did so, perching on the edge of the chair as if she were ready to leap up and resume kicking ass at a moment's notice.

"I wanted to see if you had this little thing called 'restraint'," I explained. "Colonel Virion speaks very highly of your leadership skills, and I've seen you on the training field. You have potential. What you lack is discipline. So, I'm going to put you in a position where you either find that discipline very, very fast, or you fail and fuck right off out of here and become someone else's problem. Hence the promotion. You now have command of Fourth Platoon."

"We don't have a Fourth Platoon," Virion chimed in.

"Yet," I said with a wolfish grin.

Erutreya leaned back in her chair, emulating my grin as she nodded.

"Alright. I'm listening."

* * *

"Seriously?" Lucina deadpanned. "Three more platoons and two more whole regiments? Are you daft?"

"I asked the same thing," Severa said.

"You know, given the reason you're here, one would assume you'd be happy about more trained soldiers," I said over one shoulder.

We were walking back from the training grounds that evening; myself, Robin and the girls, all of us exhausted after another long day of training. Once we'd gotten her back into her element, I had been pleasantly surprised by Erutreya's natural leadership skills; she and Helman were doing wonders at making me rethink my hatred of the nobility. I had been paying close attention to her and her original squad all afternoon, which had prompted Robin to make a crack about me being smitten with the manish soldier. Even though my tactician, alone, was privy to my plans beforehand. She was straight shit stirring now.

"You're n-not worried you'll overwork yourself?" Noire asked.

"No, that's why I keep Virion and Robin around," I smirked, elbowing Robin in the ribs.

"Joy of joys, more paperwork," Robin said, rolling her eyes.

"Just be glad everyone's back," I laughed. "Place was way too quiet without the lot of you."

"Poor Nah, stuck up in Baham all alone," Noire sighed. "I f-feel bad for her…"

"She's got Helman and Jeremiah to keep her company," I shrugged. "And Ethid and their daughter, uh… whatshername."

"Cilia," Robin supplied. "Gods above, Ben, can't you even remember the names of your own subjects?"

"Don't start, woman," I growled.

We laughed and chatted on the way back to the barracks proper, the sun hanging low and casting an ethereal purple-hued radiance on the field as the men finished their warm-down exercises. I spotted Elle bustling about inside the barracks, lighting lamps and torches and generally doing whatever she could to make the dreary building a little more hospitable for us. Something caught her attention from within, though, and she bustled further back out of sight. Probably Bertha calling her to help with dinner, which I could smell from out here. Some sort of roast or pie, no doubt, and just the smell was making my arsehole cave in.

As we ascended the few steps up into the barracks Elle appeared, looking rather harried and distressed as she led a scruffy, dirty figure-

"Boss. Run," Gaius insisted, his eyes sunken and wild.

Our group stopped short, the thin thief's countenance stunning us all silent for a beat.

"Gaius? What? When did you get back?" I asked, bewildered. "Took you long enough. And what the fuck happened-"

We all froze again as a figure I hadn't seen in almost a year strode boldly into the hall from around the corner, her bearing confident and cold, her cloak trailing behind her like a cape and her figure even more pronounced than I remembered. I furrowed my brow when I spotted the bundle being held protectively in her arms, but Gaius' sound of utter despair caught my attention again.

"Oh gods, too late," the thief groaned brokenly. "I'm out!"

And then he was gone, melting into the shadows as Tharja strode right up to me and shoved the warm little bundle into my arms.

"This is yours," she drawled, a soft smile on her face as I looked down and beheld the bundle.

Two eyes, the same ones I saw every time I looked at Noire, blinked up at me from under a shock of black hair. Baby-Noire cooed happily and reached up to grasp at the air in the direction of my face as my heart stopped and my skin went pale.

"Oh my gods, is that…" Robin whispered.

I heard Noire suck in an excited breath between a curious Lucina and Severa, both of whom were watching in rapt fascination.

Tharja didn't fail to notice the female presence around me, and with a characteristic scowl she gently took baby-Noire from my arms and deposited her in Elle's. My maid blinked a few times in shock, looking between me and the child a few times, mouth agape.

Tharja then stepped to my side, fairly melting against me and gripping my arm protectively between her ample bosom as she spoke only one word.

"Mine," the Dark Mage growled territorially, her glare daring any of the other women to argue.

Then, still catatonic, I found myself dragged by her towards the stairs.

* * *

 **AN: A nice little bridging chapter into the next story arc. Which, I promise, is going to be a comedy one. The votes are in! The path that the next part of the Self Insert story will take is set! 'Minor changes to the plot of Awakening' won by an absolute landslide, earning 60% of the votes alone. However, and perhaps more importantly,** _ **the waifu has been chosen!**_ **And no, I'm not spoiling it. Thanks to everyone who voted!**

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